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Post by Jacarandagirl on May 31, 2014 13:58:28 GMT -8
I go back and forth from this almost narcissistic belief that I'm gorgeous, awesome and hot, to this belief that I'm so utterly unattractive, so naive and unworldly, I shouldn't be out in public. Weird. It probably also has something to do with being truly POA-less right now. Hi Paisley, I so relate to where you are at. I often feel the same way, I laughed out loud when I read what you said above, about your changing self image. You put it so well. That's exactly what it is like. I am amazed at how my mind can create two such violently opposed realities in the one head, but it does. Lots of other people do it too. I have even heard Byron Katie do the work with and talk about models, who we would class as the most beautiful people around, who thought that they were ugly. (That's probably a bit different though, that could be associated with anorexia.) I check myself out in mirrors with the right lighting in the room and think "yeah, I'm still pretty!". Then the other day I was shopping in a department store and I was concentrating on trying to find a shirt I particularly wanted. I looked up straight into a mirror I wasn't expecting and saw myself and I was so shocked to see this frowny, drooping cheek wrinkle around my mouth looking huge and so ugly and old, that I wanted to retire from the human race right there and then. I just felt like like cr*p for about an hour, forgot about it, and then remembered it and felt bad on and off for another day and now I don't care again. It comes and goes, that insecurity. I know that if I am going to judge myself on that stuff I may as well give up now. It's only going to get worse, and when it comes down to it, I'm not the only one ageing around here, and the men I like have wrinkles too and are losing hair. I want to love myself more than that. Even if no-one wants to be with me, I want to be with me. I love me. And yeah, I didn't get good cheekbones. But I got good other stuff. We all have good things going for us. I reckon you are in withdrawals. Not huge, dramatic ones, but the kind of subtle ones that can still lead to acting out again if not recognised. Since you have been letting go of these "maybe one day" guys who have been toying with the idea of hooking up with you via messaging and whatever, your love addict will be missing that little "hope" hit. Which is not so little once we remove it completely. It's actually quite a big thing. It seems like it's little- just a bit of harmless messaging, it's nothing really- but to the addicted mind it is the hope of a future major hit, and it is a small hit in the meantime. I believe the secret, nurtured hope of getting together with a man actually gives us that high we seek, and we are pretty patient at waiting for and working on a potential hook-up if we have a good fantasy going about what our lives could be like with him. Hang in there and know that you are going through the next challenge of recovery in your life. The solution is trusting your higher power. This is why I believe in 12 step programs so much. My days are different now that I can genuinely trust something other than my own mind. I wouldn't have it any other way now. This is what religious people have going for them, a belief in their god. I knew there was something I wanted about faith, I just couldn't come to terms with religion. Now I have found what it is I wanted, without the back-story and rules. |
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Post by carito1988 on May 31, 2014 15:06:47 GMT -8
Hi Jacarandagirl, i love the words you said..I have the same feelings sometimes about my image. Actually here, in my new place where all people talk french.. when they want to ask me something they tell me madam.. and since then i have been asking me.. why are they calling me madam since i am not married, i am joung and i have no children? Am i reflecting more age or what? Anyways it is kind of silly but this situation just make me think that i am really freak out of getting older.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jun 1, 2014 7:41:55 GMT -8
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. I appreciated your honesty. I agree with everyone.
I'm glad this conversation has been brought up. I just have some questions and comments on few things here:
What is the point of counting how long since we've had a relationship and/or had sex? Does it help you counting it?
In my opinion, it is better to take life in its own term and stay on course. Even if it means years of no partner/dating/sex. I think we are being too harsh with ourselves when we think of us "less attractive", "look older", "sexual anorexic", etc, based on how others perceived and addressed us or on whether we have found a healthy partner, have sex or not for so long.
I really think it is unfair for you to think that way about you. I mean, now that you are experiencing growth and self-love by taking care of your needs, having boundaries and values, this (bringing yourself down) is so uncalled for.
To be honest, it is more "self-criticism" than "self-pity".
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Post by CodepNomore on Jun 1, 2014 19:20:10 GMT -8
I am sorry if my questions/comments seem pointed at you, but they were actually mostly general. I just found that counting the gap or when we had our last relationship, is the cause beneath of this concern. On the other hand, when we don't care and stop counting and just stay on course, we would not be bothered by any of these.
You see how we criticized ourselves when we get into a relationship or continue with an existing one that is not healthy/right for us. And to still think that something is wrong with us or not working in our favor (being unattractive, sexual anorexia, etc.) when there is a long gap or absence of relationship (since we already decided to go by our healthy standard.) In either case, it puts us into a "no-win situation" that invites self-criticism and/or then self-pity. That is all I am saying here. It may not be a popular opinion, but nevertheless, I am speaking in behalf of what I know as self-esteem; balance views and healthy choices for oneself.
I just hope you will take into account more the length of time you have been good to yourself; taking care of your needs and choosing wisely. Considering you are actually doing so well and in better place than probably many of us here.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jun 2, 2014 12:00:29 GMT -8
Why do I want to keep the family tradition of BEATING ME UP alive? I don't think I do. Yeah, that's a good tradition to put a stop to right now. For me too. And you know, about calling yourself an alcoholic when you aren't one, I think in essence addiction to things/people/substances is all about the same thing- an inability to deal with the self. Just "being" is too painful to manage without assistance. Really, thank god addiction exists and there is a way to avoid life without killing ourselves, otherwise I would have checked out some time ago. On top of that, we learn to be addicted. Getting hooked on someone or something is often modelled to us by those closest to us. So I wouldn't worry about which label you have used or haven't used. It's all the same under the surface. Glad you're coming through a hard place. |
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Post by CodepNomore on Jun 7, 2014 5:04:19 GMT -8
I am glad you are taking it positively and moving on in different direction from your family history and from what you blindly thought you were (alcoholic). Oh, our mind is such a powerful tool. According to studies, those who think they can never do anything right, tend to make more mistakes than normal and have a high rate of failure.
Keep thinking healthy and whole...Because you are!
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anna
Junior Member
Posts: 74 
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Post by anna on Jun 16, 2014 9:42:14 GMT -8
Paisley,
I know how you feel. I was feeling so GOOD, like I'd come so far...that I stopped even coming around here. I cut down on my therapy visits. Quit reading self-help books so often. I had decided being alone was "okay" and that I like me...still both true!
But, I am going through a time of self-pity too right now. A time of loneliness, a time of marking time. A friend of mine is now in a relationship and it's splashed all over social media. I'm jealous - and yes, it seems so EASY for them. I am also aware that someone worth having is worth waiting on.
I am pretty sure nothing I said was helpful. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. It is still okay to be "alone" - even though we are not really alone and that this time is valuable to learn to love ourselves. Hope it gets better soon.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jun 18, 2014 4:33:28 GMT -8
Nevermind Paisely, it's great you are posting about it- yes, it's the obsessing unhealthy mind, but hey, we are love addicts! We are going to do this. Keep bringing awareness to it when you see it. Acknowledge it- something like this-
Hello, you're the unhealthy part of me wanting to attach all my hope and longing for connection onto this poor guy with all his own problems and issues, as if he can fix me and magically solve all my problems I have avoided in the past, and that I still don't want to have to deal with. You (this unhealthy part) have been with me since I was a girl, and you helped me survive frickin' awful situations I grew up with and had no choice but to endure. I understand why you are here. But I do not want to believe your big, fuzzy, romantic story anymore. It doesn't work, hasn't worked, and will not work in the future. Please butt out now and let me be an adult looking after myself the best I can while having fun with my friends.
Wash, rinse, repeat if necessary xx
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