Paranoia | A Brighter Tomorrow for Love Addicts

careforme
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Posts: 29

Paranoia Jun 2, 2014 16:48:22 GMT -8

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Post by careforme on Jun 2, 2014 16:48:22 GMT -8

Not sure if this is in the right section but felt like talking about some feelings that I can't seem to shake.

First off, I know there are good guys out there, guys that won't cheat, and won't lie, guys that will genuinely care about me. I haven't been able to find them but still on the lookout. Anyway, I'm still iffy about most guys, paranoid at times even? Which I think is one of the reasons things didn't work out with my last POA, and why he decided to back off and needed his "space".

I've noticed as I've grown older that cheating seems to be acceptable in relationships. I can't deal with it. I've been cheated on and it hurts like all hell. My second long term boyfriend, cheated on me with anything that moved, he had one girl that looked like a prostitute, that would text him "are you with her?" or "are you with the other one?"... of course he denied cheating with her, then he cheated on me with his cousin. He was 21 and she was 16 or 17. Not sure if they had sex, but she would always send him texts that said "i love you baby" and "i miss you" very girlfriend like texts, finally after a few months they ended up having oral sex and he took pictures of her and kept them on his computer. After that he ended up cheating with another girl who turned into his girlfriend. I stayed throughout this whole thing. He was my POA at the time and I couldn't get away. Then after he broke up with me and was with this new girl, he would cheat on her with me. He physically cheated on me and with me for years. I don't know how I handled all this without killing myself or going insane. It completely blew my mind that he would have sex with his cousin. It also blew my mind that his family did not know.

After this guy I dated another guy who was dating every girl he could find. I somehow managed to separate myself and not get addicted to him. Then there was my current POA. I could never trust him, anything that triggered something with my ex would just get me to shut down completely. I tried many times to just cut him off, and tell him I wasn't ready for a relationship and he kept trying to hang out with me, spend time together, hang out, talk... whatever he was always trying to make contact. The triggers were actually way out of proportion, a girl would like his status on fb and I would automatically think they were having sex. He would like some random thing on facebook and I would go nuts. I tried very hard to not get attached, I pulled away several times during the beginning of the relationship but when he pulled away thats when I dove right in and got completely addicted. I've read old conversations and things I've posted online about him during that time and it was all "you know, I don't think i want to be with him" "I'm not ready to be with him" and my friends kept pushing me and telling me to give this guy a chance. "He seems like a good guy" "he's still trying, he hasn't walked away"

I don't know how to trust someone else. I don't know how to not feel paranoid. I don't know how to just be that girl that doesn't care. I will always care.

I see how so many girls let their guys get away with everything. I see how my current POAs gf has posted several "i cant believe he'd do this" and then post up pictures of them happy as can be. One of my best friends caught her boyfriend sending and receiving nudes with one of his best girl friends and she has never brought this up to him. I don't want to be a girl who has to ignore all these things, and have them keep doing these things behind my back. I don't want to date a guy who needs constant attention from a million other girls. I feel like I'm asking for too much but then I feel like it's nothing at all I'm asking for. I don't know if I am making sense but it was just something that has been on my mind for months and I needed a place to vent.

Jacarandagirl
Elder Member

Posts: 2,322

Paranoia Jun 4, 2014 12:17:38 GMT -8

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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jun 4, 2014 12:17:38 GMT -8

Jun 2, 2014 16:48:22 GMT -8 careforme said:

I don't want to date a guy who needs constant attention from a million other girls. I feel like I'm asking for too much but then I feel like it's nothing at all I'm asking for. I don't know if I am making sense but it was just something that has been on my mind for months and I needed a place to vent.

OMG I am so glad I read your post. I don't want you to be that girl either! It totally sucks that you even feel like you are having to make some kind of choice over it. To me what you are talking about it is the very sad condition of relationships between young men and women in todays culture...boys who have grown up expecting a girl to have sex with him right from the first date, that cheating is normal, that a woman is less than and therefore it's OK. These ideas are damaging and ultimately very sick.

You have every right to expect a partner to care about your feelings and choices. The thing you need to do is to find out, before you get into a sexual relationship, what the man's values are. After getting to know a man for a few weeks/months (I go for months now myself but it never used to be like that), if you still like him and are attracted to him, then ask him what he thinks about monogamy. What does he think about relationships and commitment? What kind of relationship is he looking for? Does he think casual sex with a friend is OK while in a relationship?

Without asking these questions you can't make an informed choice about trusting them.

The other thing about trust that I love, and I heard this from Byron Katie, is that you can trust people 100% to be who they are. So the onus is on you to find out who they are before you go and get into a relationship with them, and then trust them to be like that. It sounds like you have all the trademarks of codependency and maybe love addiction too, but it sounds more like codependency to me. You aren't hooked on these guys as still being "great guys" which is how a love addict feels about someone who is being abusive. A codependent typically feels unworthy of being treated well by a man or woman.

All up it's kind of in the same basket anyway, so it's not that important. The important thing is finding out how you can work on yourself and find yourself more fully instead of the search for love outside, in relationships.

Last Edit: Jun 4, 2014 12:23:48 GMT -8 by Jacarandagirl

"You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn't work and that you'll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can't even do for yourself. You deserve better - you deserve change".
Excerpt from www.baggagereclaim.com

careforme
New Member

Posts: 29

Paranoia Jun 6, 2014 18:30:56 GMT -8 via mobile

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Post by careforme on Jun 6, 2014 18:30:56 GMT -8

Jacarandagirl - not sure if I consider myself unworthy of it....I feel like I deserve a good guy that isn't going to cheat but with how society is going, it seems everyone is starting to think it's natural. Guys will cheat and we have to sit back and keep our mouths shut. And no, I don't want to be like that. I rather be alone. But watching how friends and women just let guys get away with it makes me sad, and paranoid.

And even with all the stuff my POA has put my thru I feel like he's "a naive young boy who doesn't know what he wants" like clearly he wants the girl that will accept that he cheats and talks to other girls over the girl who's going to go batnuts crazy over a girl liking his fb post.

I have given him hell the last two years, when we talk (without any sex stuff involved) it always ends up with me yelling at him for what he did and him saying sorry, or that I need to get over it. I can't, I don't think I ever will. I don't think I've ever even able to have a normal conversation with him since before we were dating, and even if we did the who paranoia was in the back of my mind. So eventually I pop and complain about it, or I blow up his phone to express my anger.

Whatever it is... cheating is not okay, and I really hate how women are just dismissive about it.

Last Edit: Jun 6, 2014 18:39:40 GMT -8 by careforme

carito1988
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Posts: 179

Paranoia Jun 7, 2014 3:59:06 GMT -8 RoseNadler likes this

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Post by carito1988 on Jun 7, 2014 3:59:06 GMT -8

I totally understand you, it has happened to me the same with my POA, and sadly I forgave my POA of cheating on me because of my addiction. I talked with my sponsor, and well the words I received were like: I do not why you continue with this guy, he can be responsible, lovely, etc, but he cheat on you, and that is just one simple reason to finish the contact with him. But anyways I could not been able to do that. I pushed myself to forgive him and continue with him. I know that I did this, because I have this addiction and I hate myself for doing this. This happened one year and half ago, he erased all these contacts, etc, but you know what, after this, it is really difficult to trust in someone who did this to you.

Actually I have search for internet and I found this article from a doctor who is specialist in addiction, and he says that people who are unfaithfull, definitly have problems with their self-steem, and also are addicts too, the only way to make sure he o she is changing is by making a real work with him or herself, to change the personality and that will take a long time and big efforts to do that, so he suggest to woman or men who are with someone who is unfaithfull to finish the realtionship immediately, because that person even he or she tries to do not do that again, without a treatment it is impossible to stop. He or she will continue doing it even if she or he knows the damage he or she is causing to his or her partner, for just one reason, people unfaithfull are active addicts with no program or treatment to stop.

When I saw this article, I was OMG what I am doing, and that is true. And I know that if I do not change my personality I will keep just getting into relationships like this, and as well as you, I do not like this future for me.

I really wish you the best for you, keep reading and posting, and totally agree with you: unfaithfull is not normal, is a defective conduct of someone who has addictive problems as well like a love addict or other addiction.

Carito

Last Edit: Jun 7, 2014 4:20:38 GMT -8 by carito1988

carito1988
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Posts: 179

Paranoia Jun 7, 2014 4:12:27 GMT -8

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Post by carito1988 on Jun 7, 2014 4:12:27 GMT -8

And as well as you, I know that people who are healthy do not cheat his or her partner, not because of fear of lossing his or her couple, they just do not do it, for respect and honesty to themselves. A person who is honest with himself can not act like this. I have meet few people who are like this type of persons, and with some of them I have had the opportunity to create good friendship, and I can tell you that they love their wifes or their couple, and they just could not been able to cheat their partner because of their principles with themselves, for example my brother.

But I know that if I want to be with someone like this, I have to break this addiction, I have to stop this low-self steem, and change my personality, otherwise I will just attract bad guys to my life. I am doing things to achieve this, hoping to get real realive form this adicction.

Carito

Last Edit: Jun 7, 2014 4:22:17 GMT -8 by carito1988