Being Away from any Ex is the Key to Healing

Today I have read some sentences in the book I'm reading, which just make open my eyes, and I would like to share with you some of them because they are absolutely a reality:

These are from Ken Keyes, of the book: Conscious Person's Guide to Relationships and How to Break your addiction from Howard Halpern

"When we use the word addiction, we will be referring to something we tell ourselves WE MUST HAVE TO BE HAPPY. If we don't have it, we will feel emotionally upset. In other words, an addiction is an emotion-backed demand, model or expectation. An addiction automatically creates our unhappiness when the world is not fitting our emotion-backed models of how things shoud be "

This one was my favorite:

"When you work on your addictions and uplevel them to preferences.. you do not have to change your opinions about life, you do not have to stop trying to change WHAT IS  and you do not have to necessarily like WHAT IS. It is just that you no longer live with your finger stuck on the emotional panic button"

 "Often, upgrading your addictions to preferences can change the relationship and make it unnecessary for you to leave it beacuse it opens the possibility of loving"

"I need to be attached to you so that I won't feel insecure, frighting, incomplete and inadequate and therefore you must be there and be the way I need to be in order for me to feel okay. This does damage to the possibilities of loving, because loving involves recognizing and caring about the separateness"

"Addiction inevitaly, inexorably, drives out love. And nonaddictive openness to seeing who the other person is and ... then may choose, in terms of the total picture of the relationship, wheter you wish to have that involvement with that particular person"


When I read this I just get convinced of the idea that the feeling I have of missing my POA is not actually because I love him, it is because I miss those moments when I saw him acted as the way I wanted him to act: being at home at this hour, call me at this hour, not going out with this one, etc.. it was insane, so now that I am finally alone, I just realized that I was actually not the victim here, I used him too. Actually I stayed with him without being in love with him and I stayed with him because he did everytime he could to satisface my demands, and everytime I saw him doing others things, I just wanted to finish with him. I am not saying that he is a saint but I am not a saint too.

And it is impossible for me, to understand the whole situation if he is around. It is impossible to learn to love if the adicction cycle continues. The period when someone is totally alone without any POA or potential POA or other drug, just be with the inner child, just give a clear view of what is going on, and for me I totally understand that here the one who has to change is myself, not the other guy, and even I could probably see him later and I say after some months: ok I stay with him but.. because I truly love him for what he is, for the person he is with his live, for his principles and the way he lives his life not for what he does to satisface my needs or because I can probably "fix him" to the person I want it for me, anyone change for anybody, if someone wants to change is because he or she want it not because his or her couple ask him. And that means knowing the other person as a separative person. (I think I never have done this)

What a big mistake, and a huge evader of myself.

Adicction (Not matter with what drug) = Avoiding being with ourselves
Stop adicction = Create a friendship with yourself, and decided what men you would like to stay knowing the whole picture (ex-boyfriend, ex-POA, husband, new guy, etc.)

That is why the title of this thread, it is necessary to be away from any POA because it is time to heal and see the whole picture.

Carito