self esteem vs trust issue?

Uh oh...you asked for thoughts and so...here are mine.

First off, you two are married. And that essentially means you have EVERY RIGHT to interfere if you think your spouse might be unfaithful, just as he has every right to interfere in your world if he thinks you are being unfaithful. Unless there is full blown trust between the two of you, which equates to him not having a deep, personal relationship with another woman, then I'd say you need to back off. But, guess what, there's an uneasiness on your part that he is spending too much time with this woman, and so, that in itself needs to be worked out. Talked about. Dealt with. It's not a "I'm dealing with this on my own" kinda thing. You're married to each other. It's BOTH your business. And, If you two love each other and do not want to hurt each other, then the woman might need to go. BUT ONE THING IS CERTAIN: gut instinct suspicions tend to be somewhat spot on and if you're trying to protect your marriage, then you have every right to know what's going on if you feel there's infidelity.

That's part one.

Part two, and I know you already know this, is that you yourself have laid the foundation for infidelity in your marriage. By your own admission, you've had numerous affairs. And the fact that your husband has remained married to you, despite learning about several of them is very, very brave of him or very foolish. I can't figure out which. Either which way, because you yourself have exhibited the behavior of unfaithfulness, you will see it in everyone else. Because you yourself cannot be trusted, you do not have the ability to trust others. The damage of infidelity goes way beyond the typical pain we cause ourselves and others. It complicates the fabric of our belief system. That being said, what can you do? How do you change your own behavior (no longer have affairs), learn to build trust in others and basically start over from square one in this same marriage? While I don't have an answer for you, I can tell you it's a rough road. It usually takes love addicts and individuals who have been abused to be in a relationship where 100% trust is established and never broken. That sounds extreme, but chronic cheating is extreme too. The pendulum must swing in the opposite direction for there to eventually be a balance.

The final part of this equation is a summary: do not belittle your "rights" or privileges in this marriage. A marriage is a partnership between two people who need to love, trust and respect each other. If one of you feels threatened in anyway by the other, you have the right to voice your opinion, and your partner, if he is a loving caring partner, will work with you to try and resolve the issue. Not snub you with, "don't interfere." Do not belittle your trust issues either. If they exist, then your partner needs to respect your insecurities and again, work with you to help you heal. Lastly, you don't trust him. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If your ACTIONS are to stalk him, sneak around on him, look for clues and try to find something suspicious, those are the actions of someone who does not trust. If you SAY you trust your husband, your actions better match up. Close down Facebook, stop snooping around. Find something else to do. Lastly, and most importantly, bring this issue up in therapy. Or, if you both don't go to therapy now, sign up for a few sessions. This seems fixable, especially if YOU are on the mend. But it won't just go away on its own. It will fester. And, worse case scenario, it becomes your replacement addiction. No longer having affairs yourself, you could become addicted to the high of trying to catch your hubby in one. A lot to think about. I hope my words helped. You're very strong. You just need to communicate with your husband and be as honest as possible from here on out. And he needs to do the same.

Assaulted again? I hope you're not in a physically abusive marriage.