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Post by junegirl on Sept 23, 2014 11:10:52 GMT -8
Here are some of the boundaries I aim to follow when dating. These are a first draft- I'm open to suggestions and responses. I'll review thaws with my therapist and sponsor before making a final draft.
1)No sex for 2 months - no more than kissing and a bit more
2)I will not initiate contact until after the first 3 dates-- will let him peruse me. However, I will let him know I've had a nice time- this doesn't mean I'll be cold.
3)If he doesn't respond to a text or follow through with an invitation I will let it go and not go after him looking for answers.
4) I will be aware of whether or not the man is asking me questions that show he's interested in getting to know me and I will ask him questions to get to know him better.
5) He must be OK with me being a sober woman. I will be honest with myself about this.
6) I will be honest with my therapist and sponsor about what is going on in my dating life. This means being open about any weirdness or red flags- no more thinking 'it will change' or glossing over warning signs.
Reactions? What are your boundaries when dating??
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 23, 2014 16:51:13 GMT -8
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 25, 2014 2:17:02 GMT -8
Good list. I decided to try waiting about three months before having sex- helped by the fact that the man I am dating was really happy to wait, we didn't even talk about it. I can see now how useful it is for a love addict to stay focused on who the person is, not on getting to the high of sex. I also quit using dating sites and decided to let life show me another way. A friend introduced me to my current bf. I put a ban on myself over-sharing to create drama/intimacy I shared my doubts and worries about him to recovery people who helped me get clear
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Post by CodepNomore on Sept 25, 2014 2:47:07 GMT -8
junegirl, congratulations and big hugs for making those boundaries. See, you can do it! I am busy dating myself, then my family, friends, and colleagues. My boundary for now is to keep it real and clear. To just enjoy my time with them and let it go when it is necessary. No more drama and obsession.
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Post by CodepNomore on Sept 25, 2014 17:05:21 GMT -8
I will confess something here...
I sometimes used to think that we who are at one time or another in love addiction, are too preoccupied with dating; that it almost seems like our lives merely revolved around it.
However, posts such as Jacarandagirl's and Paisley's sharing of their personal experiences and lessons learned, have values that give a healthy perspective on dating. I am thankful to the old timers who help newcomers to see the bigger picture. You rock!
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Post by junegirl on Sept 26, 2014 12:15:23 GMT -8
Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm new here and am happy to hear other peoples experiences. To be honest, I am not currently dating but when the time Comes I'll keep these comments in mind . Also, I have to agree about dating sites- I've only been on 2 different sites and have had about 5 dates from these sites. However, the men I met ended up being very 'flaky' and that's putting it nicely (don't want to take anyone's inventory). That being said, I also know people who have had a lot of success and met partners there. But for me, it's probably not the best idea.....
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Sept 30, 2014 10:49:19 GMT -8
It's so important to remember your list! I have been dating a guy for 10 months. I keep hitting walls of fear and we haven't had sex at all. I think I am in anorexia. It's painful. I could use my list to protect myself, but I seemed to have gone to far protecting myself. I need to make a new list that has when I reach out, express myself and state my needs and desires. Work in Progress... Glad to be here.
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Post by junegirl on Oct 8, 2014 12:52:47 GMT -8
A short update: I have received several texts for my PoA and replied to them. However, I only reply to his initial messages and never again. I realize that eventually the time will come when I don't reply at all OR he just won't write back. But it's progress not perfection, right? A couple weeks ago I asked him not to contact me again. I also called him a liar, but later realized he probably wasn't clear what I was referring to. For me no further explanation was needed- then he wrote me again after I asked him not to! Of course this boosted my ego- but I'm grateful that I was aware that this was all it was. The fact that he contacted me after I asked him not to (btw: his idea of contact is a sime 'hey, what's up?', how are you...) helped me to see that he has issues too. It's not up to me to figure out what his issues are or to fix them. However, it was a relief to have some evidence that it was not my fault things didn't work out, b/c my 'go to' thought is that there is sth wrong with me- I'm the reason this jerk didn't fall in love with me.... It's important for me to say that everytime I don't respond or reach out, I become a stronger woman. A woman who respects herself and is teaching others how she deserve to be treated. Why would I settle for crumbs? That's all for now . Stay strong!!
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