ccczzz87
New Member
Never thought of myself as an addict until this last relationship :(
Posts: 47
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Post by ccczzz87 on Oct 10, 2014 14:42:30 GMT -8
I know this feeling isn't normal but when my poa called, even when we were together just before we broke up (I knew things were going wrong at this point) I would feel so nervous it made me feel sick. My hands would shake and i would get heart palpitations..... I have never experienced this type of worry before.
I think it was because I was so scared to loose him and I could feel what was coming. But I still got it after we broke up, When he was calling me to try and get me back. I'm not sure why.
Anyone else experience something like this?
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Post by Sexlessw on Oct 10, 2014 15:47:58 GMT -8
Your "inner voice" was trying to tell you it was bad for you. Your mind (at that point) wasn't listening; your body was giving you warning. When he called, your "inner voice" gave you the body vibes to keep you in check. He was not a good person for you to be with.
I can't say for sure I've ever experienced what you did. BUT others I've known have described what you went through.
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ccczzz87
New Member
Never thought of myself as an addict until this last relationship :(
Posts: 47
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Post by ccczzz87 on Oct 12, 2014 13:03:08 GMT -8
Yes I think you are right sexlessw..... It felt like extreme fear. I hope to never feel like that again.
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Post by Sexlessw on Oct 13, 2014 5:37:00 GMT -8
When you understand it - the fear I mean - you won't have to feel it again. You will recognize it and move away from it.
Drifting off topic - that was one difficult aspect for myself. Understanding the EMOTIONS. What was I feeling? Fear? Sadness? Anger? I read some place how to recognize what we are feeling. The recognization comes from realizing what part of our body is aching when we are feeling. Darned if I can match up right now which feel caused the ache.
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ccczzz87
New Member
Never thought of myself as an addict until this last relationship :(
Posts: 47
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Post by ccczzz87 on Oct 13, 2014 12:17:19 GMT -8
Thank you both for your insight. I think paisley you are right, I felt like that because I knew something had changed. I think the reason why I was holding on so tightly was because I had moved country's for him. I don't speak the language, what was I going to do? I had very little money to live because work was slow due to the summer and religious holidays, what was I going to do?
I felt abandoned!
I'm wondering now, does this have something to do with my parents splitting? My dad left..... Did I deep down feel abandoned? We saw him everyday and he always provide us with money and love. And he came back.... Is that why I always think I can "fix" it with this guy?
It is only this guy though, none of my other relationships were like this. I trusted them and they treated me well. Why do I hang on to a guy who yes is lovely, loving and charming at the start but really isn't good enough for me. And does nothing but play mind games and cheat?
I have never felt that kind of panic before over loosing someone.
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Post by chrysalis on Oct 13, 2014 18:35:33 GMT -8
Hi there cczzz87. I used to feel exactly as you did when my ex-POA used to call me. He lived in different country and we met online. He used to call me every morning because of the time difference. I used to feel really anxious to the point that my entire body was shaking, something like tremors. My heart would be palpitating just before he rang me and being the ignoramus that I was, I thought that this was the sign of love and that we were twin flames.
Physically, I would be sick to the stomach and just my mind would not be clear. When we had problems (which a many a times)and I would distance myself from him, I would feel happy again and just healthy physically. What paisely and sexlessw mentioned were so true, my body was telling me that all was not right in this relationship. I was constantly in a state of panic attack and my anxiety worsened in the days before we broke up. Like yourself, I was having tremendous financial difficulty at that time and saw him as a ticket to something better. I literally could not breathe when he would not call me or speak to me online(this was after he met me in my country and realised that I was not going to move to be with him). I just held onto him even though I was having all these physical symptoms telling me that something was amiss with the relationship.I had never experienced anything like that before and certainly do not want to experience that again.
I love what Paisely mentioned about being in an insecure place ourselves and feeling anxious when we think that our boyfriend will leave us , that this guy is untrustworthy. Now, in recovery, am learning to know what my feelings mean and to listen to my intuition more, things I never did when it came to relationships. I am learning to let go and understand that when people start distancing themselves from my life, I let them go. All of this I was able to realise only after going through those horrible panic attacks with my ex-POA and never wanting to experience that again.I did not want the mind games and all the manipulation. Now I opt for peace of mind.
It is good that you are able to get in touch with your feelings.The reason why you might have felt like this with only this guy and no one else, could be because your other relationships were healthy while this one is dysfunctional. I felt the same way too in my other relationships. It was only the dysfunctional ones where I felt like this and possibly because there was no closure.
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Post by Sexlessw on Oct 14, 2014 4:04:56 GMT -8
Great feedback from Paisley and Chyrsalis sharing their perspectives and experiences.
cczzz87 - You are on to something in your response to Paisley: "I felt abandoned! I'm wondering now, does this have something to do with my parents splitting? My dad left..... Did I deep down feel abandoned? We saw him everyday and he always provide us with money and love. And he came back.... Is that why I always think I can "fix" it with this guy?"
From my perspective, yes, I believe your dad leaving has alot to do with how you feel about this PoA. My suggestion would be to ask yourself if PoA shares any characteristics with your father. Physical and how me makes you feel and also personality traits.
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ccczzz87
New Member
Never thought of myself as an addict until this last relationship :(
Posts: 47
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Post by ccczzz87 on Oct 14, 2014 12:58:27 GMT -8
Thank you all again. Yes I think I feel that way when he calls because it isn't healthy for me. What I want to know is why was I not addicted to my normal relationships? Why am I addicted to the dysfunctional one?
Sexlessw, I have been trying to think are they alike at all. They don't look alike at all. My dad doesn't manipulate or cheat and he honestly respects women a lot. My dad looks after his children my ex doesn't. If I have a problem I can always go to my dad. I could never tell my ex my problems cause he just doesn't listen or give advice.
The only comparison I can make is if my dad gets angry he stays silent or walks away to calm down because he doesn't want to say something he will regret. My ex also walks away or stays silent.
I think I will do as you said earlier and write it down. See if I can figure it out.
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ccczzz87
New Member
Never thought of myself as an addict until this last relationship :(
Posts: 47
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Post by ccczzz87 on Oct 15, 2014 3:58:16 GMT -8
Oh my goodness paisley thank you. A lot of what you wrote really makes sense. I think for me in the healthy relationships I always knew I was loved. I didn't have any doubts. And I had so much hope for this relationship after moving countries to be with him and we didn't even start the life we had planned. I was here alone while he finished his army service. I waited for him here in his country and what happens? He cheats on me and I discover he was still married. I don't understand why he would ask me to give up my whole life and move here if he was still married. What was going to happen when his wife moved back? I honestly believe now he doesn't no what he wants.
Iv'e never felt this kind of need to be with another person before. It's like I always want him even when he says he hates me. I have to do what he says. I have to answer the phone......
I think my POA does remind me a little of my dad also, sometimes the way they get angry or the way they joke about things. But my dad is a ggod person my POA isn't.
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ccczzz87
New Member
Never thought of myself as an addict until this last relationship :(
Posts: 47
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Post by ccczzz87 on Oct 15, 2014 4:06:33 GMT -8
From Susan . . . I think most young people daydream. This is how we create and prepare our goals. Only love addicts always focus on romantic love and living happily ever after with one special person. And when the dream don't come true (like for me) they start to obsess about unavailable people because they are addicted to the outcome of the day dreams. They are trying to make love happen when it is not meant to be at that particular time. I learned in AA that it is ok to dream as long as you let go and let God. I was in college which would have led to a nice career, but I let it go to obsess about finding someone and being codependent when I did. This was my dream and I was going to make it happen even if the guys I chose were a mess. As adults our day dreams must be more realistic and love should not be an expectation but something that comes when, and if, it is meant to be.
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Post by Sexlessw on Oct 15, 2014 5:12:23 GMT -8
"My dad is a good person, my PoA isn't." There it is right there. PoA is not a good person. His actions have shown you this time and again.
You'll get there - I see from your posts a few ideas happening for you.
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ccczzz87
New Member
Never thought of myself as an addict until this last relationship :(
Posts: 47
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Post by ccczzz87 on Oct 15, 2014 12:25:52 GMT -8
Thank you Susan I do occasionally daydream still.... Generally when things in real life go bad. And my poa is always in them.
Sexlessw, thanks again for your encouraging words. Yes I know he has shown me this; and on the outside I can say this, but on the inside the voice inside my head says we can be happy again. He isn't all bad.... And I feel like I still want him even though my brain is saying are you crazy? Why do you want him?
Aghhh I'm so confused..... I want to be free from this "addiction"
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Post by Sexlessw on Oct 15, 2014 13:18:56 GMT -8
When the "Aw, shucks, he wasn't so bad now, was he" thoughts enter into your mind, remind yourself of the times he was a total schmuck. I call the "Aw shucks, he wasn't so bad now, was he" thoughts those of my "lying junkie mind".
Write down the times he was a schmuck. Then think how it made you feel. Keep that list handy for when the lying junkie mind takes over. You will look at that list and say, "Oh, wait a minute! There was THAT time - how could I forget that? Then that other time - WTF was going on here?" Soon enough, you won't be viewing him favorably for you have your evidence as to WHY he was not good for you.
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ccczzz87
New Member
Never thought of myself as an addict until this last relationship :(
Posts: 47
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Post by ccczzz87 on Oct 15, 2014 13:44:59 GMT -8
Yes so true.... It's like I forget all the bad things when he is nice again. I will make a list!!!! It's going to be a long one.
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ccczzz87
New Member
Never thought of myself as an addict until this last relationship :(
Posts: 47
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Post by ccczzz87 on Oct 17, 2014 14:02:18 GMT -8
I can't believe it..... I can't believe myself. I answered his call. There goes NC out the window again. I'm so disapointed in myself. I really thought I was doing well.
And he just talked like everything was normal, " how are you?" And I answered him like an idiot. I wasn't even angry with him when we talked..... It's like all the bad things went out of my head.
I cannot go back to the way things were, when we were together. I can't do this heartache again!!!
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 17, 2014 19:33:08 GMT -8
This is what I have to say for your latest post without reading any of the previous posts/comments...
I am not surprised...We already knew that he is an active POA, toxic, and a great manipulator. So the solution is to set a boundary and make an action plan ASAP. Where is your boundary and what is your action plan? Please write it down here in details.
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ccczzz87
New Member
Never thought of myself as an addict until this last relationship :(
Posts: 47
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Post by ccczzz87 on Oct 18, 2014 10:21:57 GMT -8
I'm not sure... First thing I'm going to do is write down all the bad things he has done to me, because after not speaking for a few days I "forget" Second, I'm not giving him my new address. He has some of my things but I'm going to tell him to post to my old address.
After that I'm not sure where to go next.
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