This morning I woke up feeling terrible. Last night I dreamt about my PoA.I dreamt he was dating other ppl. In the dream I kept calling him crying and ignored every call. It feels like I can't escape him-not even in my dreams. I thank God for these past few pleasant days but this morning I am struggling to find it. I feel lonely and vulnerable. I wonder if he is thinking of me. I wish he would come back but I know this needed to happen. I wish I could have had both him and self love. I wish I didn't have to choose. My heart aches and I feel another crying spell creeping. I take my mind back to things my PoA has said in the past and wonder If he's happier without me. When I look on social media and see families I get sad. I want one so bad. My inner child feels that she's useless because she keeps being denied a family. My birth father got married when my mother was pregnant and didn't really care to have a relationship with me. Now the man I layed down and had a child with...the man i gave my body to can ex me out his life. He can love and adore his daughter but I am merely just the wrapper on the golden ticket. My inner child feels abandoned and ashamed.
Probably everyone on this board can identify with these feelings. I can. The tears still come for me every few days and I *just now* checked email with a tiny faint glimmer of hope of hearing from POA even though I KNOW she is out cultivating and/or harvesting narcissistic source.
What we are doing in recovery is *hard*. Get through this 24 hours use the tools you are learning. Let's put one foot in front of the other and just keep walking. I'm worth it and so are you. Believe it.
Thanks for sharing guys. And I guess if I'm honest with myself it goes back to wanting to be with someone over being a family. But no matter what relationship I have in the future if won't ever be the same. They won't be the father of my child or love her quite the way that I do. I know for a while I didn't feel my step father treat me exactly the same as he did his biological son. I'd never put my daughter through that.
How do you break that connection if u two share a kid together?
I would love to have a family too, but not with someone who doesn't want one with me.
Families can be defined in different ways. You and your kid ARE a family.
I have no one in my city who is related to me in any way, yet I have people in my life who care about me and include me in their lives.
A few years ago during the holidays, I was very upset and lonely even though I had a boyfriend. He felt it was too soon to blend me in with his parents and siblings. His ex wife and kids were in town and they all got together with his family while I was wallowing in self pity alone.
Also, I can't count the number if disappointing or stress filled holidays with my ex husband and his crazy family. I am thankful to be on my own now.
Never again. Now that I'm solidly "single", I have a stronger connection with friends and there are a couple of families who adopted me and include me in their family get togethers. Last year I was prepared and determined to get through it alone, but then I ended up with so many offers I had to decide which ones to accept! On New Year's Eve, I purposefully spent the evening at home alone and I survived it. I will NEVER again allow a man to determine whether I'm part of a "family" and let his acceptance or rejection of me determine my worth.
The sooner you let go of the fantasy of a family that doesn't exist, the sooner you can find your REAL family, which may not look like what you imagined, but it will be better because it will be right for you.
What a beautiful post! Thanks for sharing an insightful, successful story.
Your recovery is worth the pain of your withdrawal. Remember that "the pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow." Fantasy-based relationship is a lie. Face your reality and stay well!Kind Regards to all LAA members here, - Codepnomore