Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2014 6:54:07 GMT -8
This morning was another rough one. I am currently engulfed in feelings of overwhelming sadness. I know I cannot afford to lay down and cave in because I have major assignments coming up (like today) and I haven't even gotten started. I get so consumed with my sadness that I don't care about things. I took the time out to shower and put earrings on this morning so that was a plus. But I keep thinking about my PoA loving someone else. It kills me that he is not available to me. I feel like somebody has died. He is no longer the man i fell in love with. He only cares about our daughter now. I am not important. I can't wat or concentrate on anything. I want to reach out but I know it will accomplish nothing. I hate life so much right now. I wish this was all a bad dream.
Nasty feelings like rejection , abandonment, thoughts of suicide, and rage are pulling and pushing me everywhere. I want to make it stop. I feel insane. I know am loved. I know I am cared for but why do i feel so alone? I feel as if i failed my mission in life...which was to be a mother and a wife.
There is more to life than a relationship but the struggle is finding exactly what? What will distract me from this agony? What can i cling on to? I want something that will never leave me. I want it to be my daughter but creating a strong emotional attachment to her hurts me a little. I love her to the moon and back but the child in me wishes i was her.
Everybody loves her. (As they should) But where was that love for me? Where is it now? Who is going to miss and love me? I know it sounds incredibly immature and selfish. Maybe I don't deserve to be a mom but i would be lying if I tried to deny the way that I feel.
I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I dont want to do anything. I think I need medication because this is way too much to bare. I am fearful for my life and the life of my PoA. Moments like these I feel like God doesn't exist.
Nasty feelings like rejection , abandonment, thoughts of suicide, and rage are pulling and pushing me everywhere. I want to make it stop. I feel insane. I know am loved. I know I am cared for but why do i feel so alone? I feel as if i failed my mission in life...which was to be a mother and a wife.
There is more to life than a relationship but the struggle is finding exactly what? What will distract me from this agony? What can i cling on to? I want something that will never leave me. I want it to be my daughter but creating a strong emotional attachment to her hurts me a little. I love her to the moon and back but the child in me wishes i was her.
Everybody loves her. (As they should) But where was that love for me? Where is it now? Who is going to miss and love me? I know it sounds incredibly immature and selfish. Maybe I don't deserve to be a mom but i would be lying if I tried to deny the way that I feel.
I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I dont want to do anything. I think I need medication because this is way too much to bare. I am fearful for my life and the life of my PoA. Moments like these I feel like God doesn't exist.
