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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 31, 2014 19:03:34 GMT -8
For a year now I have not fantasized and have been avoiding triggers by setting up a powerful recovery boundary in place and avoiding toxic people, place, and stuff and engaging in healthy living and making wiser, better choices.
Then suddenly I had a dream that I am in bed with someone I haven't even met in person. I like the qualities of this person and it is similar to one of my ex-POA. However, I don't want to have this kind of dream or fantasy. Though I know this one-time dream would not make me less healthy and make foolish decision.
I am wondering if anyone here can relate? How do you handle a very realistic and intimate dream? What is your experience with dream and fantasy?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2014 19:36:40 GMT -8
Codep, interpreting dreams can be tricky, but also rewarding in my experience. One technique that sometimes helps me is to analyze the dream assuming that all the characters in it are different aspects of myself; that I am all the characters, in a sense. If you look at it this way, and just relax about the fact that the man is someone you know (the sexual part of ourselves is just a fact of life), you might see it in a different light. Sometimes joining together in a dream means that different parts of yourself are joining together or merging somehow. Maybe your recovery has allowed you to bring different (and, you might have thought before, opposed) aspects of yourself into a more coherent whole? Just for example, maybe strength (which I see a lot of in your posts) and gentleness or compassion -- ?
The general point is that taking the dream to a slightly higher, more symbolic, level, can help you understand it. That has been true for me at times.
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 1, 2014 8:01:54 GMT -8
@lrn2valume,
Thanks for your response. Wow, I like how you saw it as such. Interesting concept. Speaking of strength which you mentioned you are seeing in my posts, that seems to be my 'trademark' (aside from confidence) even among the leaders of the industry. A COO even commented that he likes me because I am "fierce" and confident.
Coming back to this person I dreamed of. I know this person has healthy characteristics I want in a person. However, there is no way anything can happen outside this 'impossible dream'. If ever I will found myself in bed again with someone in real life, it would be with someone my HP would send to me as my husband. I don't want to have anything to do with fantasy relationship anymore. It has to be truthful, faithful, mutual and compatible.
Dreams and fantasy may bring pleasure for a moment but don't let it go beyond that or else it may turn into a living nightmare of pain and destruction. No fantasy, no destruction!
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Post by chrysalis on Nov 3, 2014 21:06:58 GMT -8
Hi CodepNomore, I can relate to this post so very much especially at this point of my recovery where I am doing away with the fantasizing. (It has been three weeks since I have stopped fantasizing). I think dreams are a tricky thing as sometimes they are viewed as messages from our subconscious mind or as a means for our minds to release thoughts that are no longer needed in our consciousness as we move through the recovery process. Based on what you have said about not fantasizing and setting up healthy boundaries, I think that perhaps this dream could be more about the other person. As we recover from our addiction, we do not evaluate ourselves based on our relation with the POA but are more focused and concentrated on our own person. I have went through a time when I finally did away with the longing and the hankering for my ex-POA and then I would have these dreams rather sexual in nature about me being in bed with him though in reality I did not want to be with him anymore. I felt that this was my body's way of doing away with the sexual ties I have had with my ex-POA by releasing it as a dream. (you could read up more about the sacral chakra, this is the chakra that is most damaged for survivors of sexual abuse and governs our sexuality and emotions. If it is too open, it could cause a person to be too sexual and sexually desirable to both genders. If damaged in childhood by primary caregivers, it actually leads to addictions. Every sexual encounter we have with a person links us energetically to them through our sacral chakra). Also, shortly after I had those dreams,I felt disturbed and troubled and decided to meditate just to do away with the etheral cords linking me energetically to my ex-POA. After the cord cutting exercise, he emailed me a couple of days later. It was strange. But a spiritual healer told me that he must have felt me pull away from him energetically when I did the cord cutting exercise. It was really a surreal experience. So it could be that it is him who might have a fleeting thought of you and you received the thought and it materialized into a dream.  Just a hypothesis I wanted to share with you. I have always found dreams fascinating. I liked what you said about no fantasy, no destruction. I have only come to learn about that recently when I decided to do away with it. I used to think that fantasies were a harmless past time but how wrong I was! Thanks for this thread |
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 4, 2014 8:12:05 GMT -8
chrysalis, that "sacral chakra" sounds interesting to learn about. I will try to read about it when I am ready. And thanks for sharing too. Actually, to say that fantasy brings destruction is an understatement. Because it seems more like a curse to me. Whenever I engaged in it something terrible happens to me. In fact, believe it or not, the moment I fantasized about a person, that person will suddenly not be in good terms with me. No matter how close we were before that fantasy, out of the blue, he/she would become mad at me and we would have major problems. So I can say that if there is one thing that has brought the biggest destruction into my life, it is no other than that toxic fantasy. I also used to take it lightly and really been enjoying it. Until last year, when my fantasy turned into a nightmare. It affected my work performance and relationship with other people. That was my turning point. It is not an easy battle. It took a lot before I was able to reach close to one year mark of "no fantasy" (and "no self-pleasuring"). But I slipped recently when I read a certain thread here that was graphic to my taste. I am just extra-sensitive with anything to do with "hot stuff". Either visual, audio, text, etc. So I have been disciplining my thought life, praying, and avoiding anything that can trigger me. How about you? Please feel free to share here anything related to this topic. Your sharing have been helpful too.
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Post by chrysalis on Nov 4, 2014 9:34:26 GMT -8
Yes CodepNomore, everything that you have mentioned in your post resonates with me completely! I used to take fantasizing lightly and enjoyed it immensely, but really it destroyed everything that I had. I just could not use my God given senses to navigate my life and was living in this fantasy-drenched mode, ignoring anything and everything in the real world. You are right to say that it is not an easy battle. I almost made a slip today. The mornings are really a challenge for me. I do not know whether it is a libido thing or something, but upon waking I would have these urges to just go into fantasy mode and start self pleasuring. I was not able to drop to sleep without fantasizing and the subsequent self-pleasuring. Now, I just pray, meditate and sing songs for my Lord and then it enables me to drop to sleep. But the mornings are difficult. Initially, when I stopped the fantasy, it was easy but today at the three week mark, suddenly I lapsed into withdrawal (this was without any exposure to sexual content). It took alot of energy just to stop myself from acting out. If you read my journal entry, I have detailed it there.I did not give in to the urges but I was really drained after that. Drained but darn proud of myself I am also very sensitive to "hot stuff"as well. I just handle sexual content in any form as it causes me to act out, namely fantasizing and self-pleasuring. Like yourself, I have been praying alot and really leaning on God to give me the strength and fortitude to get through this. I am still amazed how beautiful life can be without fantasizing! I feel more present with myself and with my surroundings. It is really a different feeling and have never felt like this before. I do not know exactly how to describe the feeling of it, but only that it feels good and just liberating. The immediate difference I have noticed is the increase in energy levels and the clarity of mind. I just never realised how much energy I had used for such a "harmless" venture. These are just some sites that detail about the sacral chakra if you are interested. I usually have a lot of problems with this chakra, either it is underactive (leading to frigidity) or overactive(addiction to drama and sexual intrigue). It was pretty damaged in childhood and now through recovery work I have found that my mother's sacral chakra is damaged too.Parents and children are linked through the sacral chakras as well until we develop our own identity in our teenage years. If our parents' sacral chakra were damaged through sexual abuse or incest, it gets linked energetically to the child's sacral chakra as well. www.chakras.info/sacral-chakra/sacral-chakra-healing/ (this website is good as it mentions about the fantasies having to do with sacral chakra imbalances and how to heal it) empathicguidance.wordpress.com/2009/05/07/the-sacral-chakra/solawakening.com/sacral-chakra/soul-essence.com/2009/01/16/sacral-chakra-where-it-is-and-what-it-relates-to/Once again thank you for this thread. |
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Post by chrysalis on Nov 4, 2014 9:35:47 GMT -8
P.S just off topic, how do we tag someone in our post?
What does that mean. Can you try to help button.
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 5, 2014 3:14:43 GMT -8
P.S just off topic, how do we tag someone in our post? Just add @ with the username you wish to tag. For example CodepNomore... |
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 7, 2014 1:36:33 GMT -8
chrysalis, if your battle is in the mornings, mine usually occurs before I sleep or when I already had a long day. After nearly a year of no fantasy and self-pleasuring, I only slipped once to 'test myself' after getting triggered by a graphic thread here. So I thought all is fine with me already. But lately, the battle returns and I am having a hard time overcoming it. It seems easier to succumb to it than to resist it. God help us. I haven't read your "sacral chakra" because it seems I need to be ready first for such information. And I am all alone now again, so frankly, I have more chances to do things I rather not do. Hence, need to be more careful. So how are you doing?
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Post by chrysalis on Nov 9, 2014 6:19:44 GMT -8
Hi there CodepNoMore
That is perfectly alright, all in good time with the read on the sacral chakra thing.
I totally relate with the urges especially at the time before I sleep or when I have had a long day. To add to the mix, I feel especially vulnerable to this tendency when I am under the weather and feel this need to be comforted with the presence of a man to cuddle me. I feel that this is the most challenging as my defenses are the lowest at this point and the fantasy seems to go on at "autopilot" even more so and I am too weak to resist it.
I combated the need to fantasize and self-pleasure right before I sleep by praying and chanting before I sleep. I also listen to spiritual mantras as I fall asleep. It has worked amazingly well as I think that it has sort of rewired my brain and now I have seemed to have forgotten this habit I have had especially right before my head hits the pillow. Although it has taken me a longer time to get to sleep! Without the fantasy to help me, I find that I have to wait for my body to relax on its own and naturally dropping to sleep. Initially, it has caused me to feel irritation and anger upon waking up as I did not feel well rested during the night. I have also experienced getting up more in the middle of the night as well. Interesting changes I find along the way as I have let go of this tendency to fantasize and self-pleasure. Also, now coming close to the 4 week mark, I went through some really bad cramping and pain in my lower back and tail-bone region. For some reason, my tail-bone got inflammed and experienced this really bad cramping around my womb area though I was not on my cycle. I intuitively knew that it had something to do with me not self-pleasuring anymore, it was like my body was going through some kind of withdrawal symptoms. I had no idea how much damage I had done to myself energetically by this act! The pain was unbearable but now it has abated.
I do feel stronger and cleansed in some way, so that is always a good thing.I find a lot of sacral chakra issues coming up these past couple of days pertaining to sexual attraction and intimacy. I find that now I am looking at these areas of my life with sobriety,like what makes me feel connected emotionally and sexually to a romantic partner. I find that I am opening myself up more to others in my life and am able to express my emotions without having to overwhelm me (explains the crippling pain in my sacral chakra area as it must be opening up after a while).
All of this would not have been possible if I did not do away with the fantasizing and the self-pleasuring.
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 9, 2014 7:32:15 GMT -8
chrysalis, I am glad you are on your 4th week already. I just have my fresh start today. Perhaps, you also need exercises that would increase the blood circulation? Like walking, biking, swimming, etc? In my case, fantasy and self-P gave me lots of toxic consequences: Whoever is the object of my fantasy would become bad suddenly. I cannot give my 100% best at work and other responsibilities, (though I am still being responsible). My efficiency and effectiveness suffer too. Also, I could not think clearly and my behavior becomes lousy. Sometimes it gave me headaches too. Come to think of it, all the objects of my fantasy are nothing compared to my HP. They don't satisfy! They are lies. And chrysalis, those we used in our fantasies were not actually them. But more likely the bad spirits of this world? So it is a more serious matter to me now. I cannot play innocent victim anymore and make any excuse. My HP had taught me this lesson so many times. I don't want to fall into its trap again. By the way, do you have other single friends who are healthy?
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 9, 2014 10:57:41 GMT -8
I just read quickly the sacral chakra links you shared. (I think I have read about it in Yoga before.) Wow, it is safe to read and educational. Thank you for the information.
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Post by chrysalis on Nov 10, 2014 4:57:15 GMT -8
No worries Codep, I am careful with what I read too lest it be triggering Yes, that is a good suggestion that I take up some kind of sport to just get the blood circulating going. I thought of taking up dancing again, I did enjoy zumba and it did give my body a sense of release from all that built up latent energy. I have also realised that I did not do anything for fun. It is strange that in the initial stages of recovery I just shut myself off from everything and everyone as I just needed time to process this addiction and what I needed to do to heal myself from it (though I do acknowledge that recovery is a lifelong process)I did not engage in any socialization as well. It was well into my first year of recovery where I ventured out with some single female friends. To answer your question, no I do not have other single friends who are healthy. I used to hang around a lot with my uni mates but a couple of years ago I found that I could not be around them, that we had different interests. Also, my idea of fun and theirs does not match anymore. I do not go out at nights anymore, preferring to stay at home in the evenings to pray, chant or read. I do not drink or eat meat, so it is difficult when we need to decide on restuarants to eat as I am the only vegetarian amongst them. Also, our socio-economic status are different, so their choices tends to break the bank for me. I am not judging them or anything but in recovery I realised that I have changed or maybe more of my true self is emerging and as a result of that my choice of friends have changed as well. Most of them are married as well so their talk revolves around the householder or the material life which really does not interest me at all. So these days, I just go to the temple for group chanting or singing, while I do recognise that having social engagements is vital for one's development, I think I am being more selective these days too (if that makes any sense). I do spend quite a bit of time with my recovery friends and my sponsor, I find that I can really connect with them on a deeper level. But as my sponsor mentioned that it is important to have another world outside of the recovery world as well. Also I think that these days my relationship with my HP is so much stronger and as you have mentioned I find that everything else pales in comparison compared to the relationship I have with Him.I find that I have a stronger connection to people who are connected to Him the same way as I am, cannot quite describe it. I am just relieved that I do not rely on fantasy no more. Even the content of my dreams have changed, just mundane everyday occurances. I still cannot get over the fact with how vivid everything in the real world is, even the feelings of myself and others seems so much more richer. I hope and pray to my HP that I will go on longer with this goal of mine on not to fantasize. |
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 12, 2014 3:59:36 GMT -8
Oh you are really doing very well. Dancing/Zumba sounds great for you. I also like your conviction. You seem to be a woman with grace and dignity.
I agree with your sponsor "that it is important to have another world outside of the recovery world as well."
For me, recovery meetings and their friendships are good, but staying with the same issue for a very long time is counterproductive or has diminishing returns. I believe at some point, if a person has to maintain his/her edge or sharpness he/she has to go outside his/her usual route or comfort zone or else their growth will be stunted.
One of the reasons that even with my age I still continue to be in demand or competitive in the market, is because I continue to explore and evolve with the people around me. I refused to confine myself with the same predictable outcome. And I don't have existing friend inside the recovery world now. My friends and work are completely separated from it. And that is why I find my life more in balance now.
By the way, I am happy to share here that I am no longer the same person a year ago. The 11+ months of sexual purity have given me a strong foundation so that even with my few slips to sexual stuff recently, it did not hurt my overall healthy state at all. I credit my HP for that too.
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 13, 2014 3:54:57 GMT -8
I'm just seeing this thread now and wanted to comment. This same thing did happen to me after a while of positive recovery. I had some totally weird love addicted dream. The best way I handled it was to IGNORE IT. I did not analyze it, or think too deeply about it or turn it into something it wasn't. I just experienced it and said, this is part of how my brain still works. And it's OK. It's ok because my logical brain is now in charge and when these emotional types of dream or thoughts pop up, I just thinking of them as chemicals firing around in my brain. Keep it simple. |
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 13, 2014 8:47:15 GMT -8
Thanks, LovelyJune. That makes sense. I'll remember to just ignore it next time around and to keep it simple. That's the answer I needed.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 13, 2014 11:17:33 GMT -8
I'm just seeing this thread now and wanted to comment. This same thing did happen to me after a while of positive recovery. I had some totally weird love addicted dream.
The only thing we know for sure is that everyone is different. Each person's recovery is unique just like our DNA.
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 30, 2014 4:49:11 GMT -8
I am wondering why I dreamed of this (anonymous) person betraying me?! Especially, there were times my HP would use my dream to tell me something important. (Where to go, what to say, what's wrong, etc.) Like I dreamed about the kind of job I have right now months before I even found it.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 1, 2014 14:17:25 GMT -8
I am wondering why I dreamed of this (anonymous) person betraying me?! Especially, there were times my HP would use my dream to tell me something important. (Where to go, what to say, what's wrong, etc.) Like I dreamed about the kind of job I have right now months before I even found it. Only some dreams are clairvoyant and show us our future. Others show us our fear or our shadow. Jungians believe we play the role of many people in our dreams. This sounds like a dream about your shadow. That anonymous part of us they we don't like; we fear; we hide. In twelve step programs we call this the "voice of the alcoholic" who does in out dreams what we no longer do in recovery. Perhaps this is about your trust issues. Who, or what, are you afraid will betray me. For me it would be me. I am my own worse enemy. Can you recall your emotions? Were your frightened? I have PTSD nightmares all the time. Home invasions by my ex-husband who used to beat me.  |
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 12, 2014 3:02:51 GMT -8
I just had a dream. Again. Same person. I knew it. It is for real but I am ready for it.
Apparently, this person is intimidated by me and wants to 'eliminate' me more than a few times. But sorry, it ain't working for me. Try harder.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 24, 2014 18:26:23 GMT -8
I feel deep fear, still and not know hwo to control or hwo to trust my HP.. dont want to make more day dreams, want to face the reality.. 8th Step . . . praying only for God's will and the power to carry that out.  |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 24, 2014 18:27:59 GMT -8
I feel deep fear, still and not know hwo to control or hwo to trust my HP.. dont want to make more day dreams, want to face the reality..  |
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 28, 2014 6:25:12 GMT -8
i just alwasy confuse how to listen to HP voice,and what to do ? Can you tell me? after pray, i don' know what god voice... thank you! First step for me...I surrendered my life to God and repented of my sins. Asked for his forgiveness. Then he gave me his Holy Spirit to guide me in understanding the Bible more clearly. His non-audible voice or will is written there too. Healing, victory, success, peace, love, and joy come to me through him also. |
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Post by selithedine on May 26, 2016 5:31:05 GMT -8
I have been in No Contact for about a month now but I had a dream about my ex-POA asking why I did not contact him and recounting how many ways he was good to me during the relationship. It was such a vivid dream that the felt happy and wanted. I guess it's just what I subconsciously want but it's really distracting. It's making me crave contact from him and also pulling me into fantasies.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jun 5, 2016 13:05:49 GMT -8
Welcome selithedine , That's so true. I felt the same way too until I begun to realize that dream and fantasy are not reality and it has poisoned me for a long time. That is why I have been avoiding triggering music already and other stuff that hinder me from facing reality. Dreaming about POA is just a dream. As soon as we wake up the reality is that they are toxic for us. It is not what we dream about that matters but what we face in our lives and overcome. So keep it up with your NC as your gift to your true self. Thanks. |
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Just a hypothesis I wanted to share with you. I have always found dreams fascinating. 
