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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2014 8:32:26 GMT -8
Today is going to be the first day sober I've had in about a week. I spent the weekend binging on alcohol just to find that I came out feeling more helpless than before. This binge was triggered by an embarrassing instance in class in which I had to do public speaking. (Sounds silly I know) During my recovery I've discovered that since child hood I've never liked myself. Ive lived my life in constant fear of being teased and mocked due to the brutality of the teasing I endured up until high school. My brain froze and I stumbled. I talked in circles like a babbling idiot. I was humiliated.
This brought back a wave of shame. I panicked. So that day I began to bury my feelings the only way I've known how-alcohol.
The one thing that came out of this weekend was that I've continued to maintain my LC with PoA. But now that I don't have him to cry to what do I do with these feelings? The pain is unbearable.
I feel hopeless and depressed. I won't be graduating this semester and I feel like a failure. I feel like death on inside. Currently fighting suicidal feelings.
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Post by cataddict on Nov 3, 2014 10:09:05 GMT -8
I know that feeling of crippling embarrassment when public speaking, I absolutely hate it, I have thrown up before and passed out, I completely freak out! But as I've been frequently told, so does everybody else, so I'm sure nobody thought any worse of you for not dealing well with it.
Are you getting help for using alcohol to cope with your feelings?
I'm sorry to hear about you not being able to graduate this semester, but it's not the end of the world! You will find something else, or can you repeat the year? Keep fighting! Do something else other than think about it, watch a film, take your kids out, paint.. anything. Tomorrow will be easier.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2014 10:30:29 GMT -8
First, if the thoughts of suicide persist or get stronger, make a phone call. There are several good suicide prevention hotlines. There is also a hotline for suicide and "extreme emotional distress" -- so even if you are not actually suicidal, they will speak with you. The number is 1800Lifenet. It's based in New York City but they will help anyone, 24/7.
I used that phone number a few times when things were at their worst with my POA. It really helped to talk about it.
As for the drinking, well, I usually find too that pain from addiction A can be medicated temporarily via addiction B, but at best it just puts off the pain. At worst -- and it's usually the worst for me -- I feel worse after B, so now have pain from A + B.
Here is a poem to brighten your day:
I really hate
that it's so true
the only way out
is right straight through
It really sucks
it's a pain in my **s
but I try to remember
this too shall pass.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2014 10:37:01 GMT -8
Thanks you guys are the best.  |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2014 10:43:24 GMT -8
And no I won't b able to repeat the year. So from here it would basically be about getting whatever job I can. I'm just mad at myself for letting withdrawal get the best of me. I haven't seen anybody about my alcohol abuse but I will definitely start looking at my options.
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