Living in Cycles of Hope and Fear

My greatest motivation is my HP. Through prayer, I work to align my will to my HP's will for me. Mine is a spiritual journey right now. Also -- I was (still am) in intense psychodynamic therapy to get to the root cause of why I was addicted in the first place. When I finally faced my chaotic upbringing (including covert incest) and the truth of how it led to love addiction, I was finally able to feel the pain/anger/sadness and grieve -- and stop numbing my feelings with addictive acting out behaviors.

Prayer motivates me. My HP motivates me. TRUTH motivates me.

HaveFaith

Thank you for sharing your story. In understanding and acknowledging that we are in fact not the only ones affected by our addiction, how to we deal with emotions of guilt and regret ?

The AA Big Book has some good wisdom here, called "the promises" (this is from memory so may not be 100% accurate, but notice what it says about regret):

If we are painstaking about this phase of our recovery, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellow. Self seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

MaddysMom:

You asked in your initial post: "What are some motivation factors that keep you guys strong during your recovery process?"

For me, it's not having somebody who is no longer in my life have a say in how I run my life. This means no more thinking "xPoA would love this. What would xPoA think of this?"

My son and husband. If I fall away, become unavailable through fantasy, reaching out to a PoA, I am not available to live in reality. My reality is my family. My son and husband deserve a mother/wife who provides for them and cares about them. I put a high value in maintaining my family. No xPoA is worth losing them.

Knowing there are others, such as yourself, who are hurting, wanting to help themselves. It is good to reach out for help. It's also good to help others, when you are able, who are in the struggle. When I read your posts I see myself at certain times and I remember feeling lonely and misunderstood. I don't like seeing people like that! Helping others helps ourselves when we are ready to do so.

Keeping my body healthy. I've always worked out. It helps blunt some of my sadness when my thoughts turn to xOM. After the workout, I feel much better - then I have to come home and clean my house (ha ha ha).

Interacting with other people. Something toxic xOM told me years ago stuck with me. He once said, "I'm always smiling. Nobody wants to deal with somebody who is always frowning." Even if you DO NOT feel like it, listen to others, be courteous and smile at them. When you're in the withdrawal phase, that is near impossible to do. But even one interaction with somebody will get you a moment out of the withdrawal.