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Post by careforme on Nov 11, 2014 22:44:04 GMT -8
I just read what Susan wrote about "mom: sad, me: bad" and it is helpful to see what I have been filling my void with. I think it always goes back to my grandfather. My grandpa came into my life when my dad got sick, my dad had cancer and depression which lead him to be unavailable to me at times. Although I spent a lot of time with him, our relationship was different. My grandfather began taking and picking me to school, spending more time with me and playing with me. He was my best friend, he was the person I turned to for anything. But one day my grandma decided they were going to move out of our place and move in with my uncle instead. So my grandpa had to leave too, I was upset, I didn't understand. "but why grandpa don't you love me?" "i love you but you're big now, you can take care of yourself you don't need me anymore" This was not at all true, I needed him, but a ten year old does not understand this. All I saw was my grandpa was leaving me to be with my grandma, she was so selfish. I hated my grandma for years, I didn't want to be around her. My grandpa would spend about an hour from his new place to pick me up once in awhile and spend time with me, and I didn't care. I was upset and the relationship shifted completely. I spent years being mad at my grandpa too, he had left me, he left me for another person, he abandoned me.
I think what I realize now and have been thinking a lot about now that my xPOA is out of the picture, I have never been good enough for anyone. I mean, I can tell anyone right now, I AM GOOD ENOUGH, but somewhere in my mind, I don't believe it.
I spoke to a therapist about my test anxiety recently, and she had me go back to my memories of not passing a test and how I felt. I felt naive. I recently did not pass a huge exam I had and I am so scared of being judged by my peers. I think about why I did not go to my parents for comfort, and my dad's way of protecting me was to fight or yell at others. I don't think he would have yell at one of my classmates but I was afraid that he would, or that he would go and complain to a teacher that someone was bullying me. My dad had a temper back when I was a kid. So I had a fear of him saying something and having me look like a "tattle" to all my peers. I can clearly hear my bully saying "you're naive". I know I'm not, I have made it very far and I am continuing to work for my future but that tiny little voice of hers is always in the back of my head.
I think it's crazy how I can feel like I'm good enough, smart enough, pretty enough but still have that voice in the back of my head putting me down. Thinking about my xPOA, not that I'm being big headed or anything but he's doing nothing, it really seems like the boy has no future and is depending on his parents to raise his child. That's when the voice use to chime in, "you weren't good enough" I wasn't good enough or he wasn't man enough to step up and go back to school, to find a job, to do something to plan for his future rather than having fun smoking and drinking all the time?
I'm going to have to keep thinking about this and trying to figure out how to get this voice to shut up because there lies the insecurities and wonder about if i'm good enough. I guess thats where the low self esteem comes in to play, and it was so much easier to go for a nothing guy than to find a guy who would respect me and treat me better because I don't want to put myself through that rejection again. But thinking about all this makes me so anxious I tend to start thinking about my xPOA and wondering how he's going to deal with all of this, not that I wanna talk to him and help him but I'm thinking about it. I will definitely be talking to my therapist about this when I see her next week.
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 12, 2014 2:03:55 GMT -8
Great analysis. And wonderful that you were able to figure all that out. And I think the best way to stop the negative voices in your head is to go out and buy a self-esteem workbook. Any one will do. And get in the habit of running a new script through your head. Also, read David Burn's book New Mood Therapy. It's possibly the single best book out there on behavioral therapy, which helps you to change your thinking process and ultimately your behavior. As Dr. Phil said once, "it's one thing when you feel as though you've been traumatized in your youth, it's another when you drag that trauma into your adult life." Let it go. Your parents (grandparents) did the best they knew how at the time. It is more your INTERPRETATION of their behavior that has caused your suffering. And in that sense, you are the only one who can change that. And what's so nice, you can do it now  |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 13, 2014 12:57:23 GMT -8
Great analysis. As Dr. Phil said once, "it's one thing when you feel as though you've been traumatized in your youth, it's another when you drag that trauma into your adult life." This is fine for many people. But some us have PTSD, which is incurable, and we have no choice. But I use positive thinking and accept it rather than complain about it. I don't feed it, wallow in it, blow it out of proportion, or let it burden me in anyway. Even with PTSD we can think about other things. My personal PTSD trick is to get back to the present when the PTSD takes me back to the scene of the crime. I phone someone, or think about something, that I associate with the goodness of my current life. I work my way back when I have a PTSD attack. That makes it short-lived. In other words . . . when you fall into the pool, don't swim around, get out. What to other PTSD people do to minimize or get out of the "PTSD State."   Another one I like is "out d**n spot" on MacBeth.  |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2014 13:16:39 GMT -8
"I mean, I can tell anyone right now, I AM GOOD ENOUGH, but somewhere in my mind, I don't believe it." Wow, well said. This stuff is so deeply ingrained it is very hard for me to see it, let alone work on it. I have to stay conscious at all times, keep vigilant about my thoughts, counteract them right away.
Example: when I read the title of this post I saw: "Am I Good Enough?" I saw it as a question, even though it is plainly written as a simple declarative sentence: I am good enough.
The pervasiveness of this self-programming is amazing. It runs so deep, to my very core. I feel down today, defeated; I am trying like crazy to stay positive, repeat affirmations (I am good, I am good, I am enough, I am lovable, I am worthy, I am worthwhile), breathe deeply, exercise, meditate, read positive things (thank you for your postings LovelyJune). But even though I am throwing every ounce of willpower into it things are still a struggle for me today. No matter how hard I turn my rational mind to lifting me up something inside wants to drag me down.
Ok, I need to accept the power of this negative pull. And KEEP ON WALKING INTO THE LIGHT anyway. F*** it, I am going to keep at it. Keep at it until I can read "I am good enough" and instead of turning it into self doubt (Am I?) I can know it is true all the way through.
Negativity? Bring it on. I WILL NOT GIVE IN to it, WILL NOT. Thank you God!
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 13, 2014 20:02:08 GMT -8
I haven't read the whole thing here but based on the subject of this thread I am commenting briefly:
I have learned that it is not enough to say, "I am good enough" without taking self-responsibility. Apparently, self-esteem and self-responsibility support each other, and each impossible without the other.
In other words, if anyone wants to increase their self-esteem or be "good enough", take more self-responsibility. Take charge of your decisions (make healthy choices), actions, and behavior. In that way, you will like and respect yourself more. And the more you have self-esteem by taking self-responsibility, the more you can do much better than just being good enough.
Side-note: I am building up my dynamic team for their maximum potential so this is related to my work.
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Post by careforme on Nov 22, 2014 19:01:56 GMT -8
Negativity? Bring it on. I WILL NOT GIVE IN to it, WILL NOT. Thank you God! Yes! Keep that positive talk going!! I had a huge exam today which I had to take for the second time and I beat myself up over it for months after not passing the 1st time. "you're naive, you're naive" I think I didn't calm down until my professor told me the exam results showed my test anxiety. I was so relieved that he acknowledged that I was smart enough and just somehow fell apart during the middle of the test where my answers plummeted. This time around I think I've studied more and felt better about the exam (I also had some test anxiety sessions with a therapist & worked on my issues without my POA being my main concern) I felt so confused after but better, I can't describe that feeling but... anyway my friends were saying "you probably did fine!!" and trying to encourage me and I could hear that voice in my head again "you're not smart enough" which turned into a bunch of other negative thoughts "you aren't going to graduate" "everyone will keep moving forward and you'll be stuck" "you're gonna be the only dumb one left behind" !!!!!! I had to push all those thoughts away because even if I didn't pass (there i go again... can't be positive about this) I can take it again and I know I'm smart enough, but this test anxiety drives me up a wall. I can see how it's clearly a defense mechanism of mine to put myself down, then if something BAD happens I can shrug it off even though it's killing me inside. It really is a battle that I need to keep fighting. I am good enough! |
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Post by careforme on Nov 22, 2014 19:12:48 GMT -8
In other words, if anyone wants to increase their self-esteem or be "good enough", take more self-responsibility. Take charge of your decisions (make healthy choices), actions, and behavior. In that way, you will like and respect yourself more. And the more you have self-esteem by taking self-responsibility, the more you can do much better than just being good enough. I love this but I see where I am having trouble with it. I could see why being with my POA for so long was so damaging, and it was my decision to keep seeing him and try to keep the relationship alive and I KNEW back when this was going on that it was bad. I kept trying to end it and then I would go back. It drives me crazy that I kept it going for so long and kept this toxic relationship going. Now knowing he's about to have a child, and there is no way I want to be a part of that mess I am able to separate myself from it. I'm done I'm over it. I guess now I have to keep making the healthy choice to not talk to him and not go back. Every time I feel myself wanting to talk to him I remind myself of the choice I made and why I made it. So idk am I taking more self-responsibility for this? |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2014 6:35:54 GMT -8
careforme: When facing a stressful situation such as an exam, there is solid scientific evidence that positive affirmations REALLY WORK. So say to yourself over and over (not just once or twice! many many times!) "I am prepared. I have studied hard." (It goes without saying you actually have to study for this to work!) "I am intelligent. I have done well on tests before. I know what I am doing."
Here is a summary of some of the scientific evidence, from WikiPedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-affirmation#Empirical_Support):
In one study investigating the effects of self-affirmation on stress response, undergraduates participants completed the Trier Social Stress Task, a standardized laboratory paradigm used to induce stress in participants. In the Trier Social Stress task, participants are asked to give a short speech in front of a panel of judges who do not give any comments or positive feedback to the participant. Following the speech, participants must complete a mental arithmetic task, in which they count backwards from 2,083 in increments of 13 while being told by the judges to go faster. Prior to completing the Trier Social Stress Task, half of the participants completed a variation of values list self-affirmation task. Participants who complete the values list had significantly lower stress response than individuals in the control condition, as indicated by a lower cortisol response in affirmed participants compared to participants who did not complete the self-affirmation condition.[8]
In a different experiment, undergraduate students completed difficult problem solving puzzles in the presence of an evaluator. Participants also reported how much chronic stress they endured over the past month. Prior to completing the problem-solving puzzles half of the participants completed a values essay self-affirmation task. For the individuals who did not complete the self-affirmation task, low-stress participants performed significantly better than high-stress participants. For individuals in the self-affirmation condition, high-stress individuals performed equally as well as low-stress individuals. Findings suggest that self-affirmation buffered against the negative effects of stress on problem-solving performance.[9]
For another experiment, undergraduates were recruited to participate in a research study two weeks prior to completing a mid-term exam. All participants collected urine samples for 24 hours two weeks prior to their midterm (baseline) as well as for the 24 hours prior to their midterm examination so levels their catecholamine levels could be measured. Catecholamine levels are thought to be high when individuals are experiencing higher stress.[10] Half of participants completed two values essays in the two weeks leading up to their midterm examination. Participants who did not complete the self-affirmation condition demonstrated increased catecholamine response from baseline to their midterm exam. However, participants who completed the two values essays did not evidence an increase in catecholamine levels from baseline to their midterm.[11]
The bottom line: Preparing some simple, easily remembered self-affirmations and USING THEM over and over will help you control stress. It works -- it really does!!
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 23, 2014 11:35:26 GMT -8
Yes, that is a good starting point for taking more self-responsibility. Each time you make that choice of doing what you know is right for you, that behavior will be reinforced until it becomes like second nature to you. Because the more you make healthy choices, the better you will feel about yourself. And the better you feel about yourself, the better you become in making healthy choices. Your standard, performance, and even boundary improve as your self-esteem increases. It works in every area of your well-being. So what can be more motivating than that? |
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