Post by careforme on Nov 25, 2014 21:49:22 GMT -8
Idk why I thought it would be okay for me to start dating, or well talking to guys. Hasn't been that long since I've last seen my xPOA and ended everything. I guess I thought okay, I can move on now. I felt free from him. I still have stuff to work on and I've just begun doing that in therapy. But I felt like "anxiety over grief.... never grieved...I can date right?" How do I go back and grieve a death that happened 10 years ago? How do I get over the anger I felt about 15 years ago... Idk. Anyway, I'm ready to see my therapist to get all of these thoughts out but just a snippet of it here.
I was talking to a friend, we were talking about how we have never "dated". I had two long term relationships, which began pretty fast. (and then took years to end) and then with my xPOA, we dated, (I thought exclusively) for 6 months, and then the rest was us hanging out, having sex, and having a toxic relationship that I could not detach from So as I'm talking to my friend, I'm wondering "why can't I just date, and meet guys, go out with them and thats it?" Not take anything serious, just learn to have dates. Idk. I was talking to a few guys that I met on some app. Then I began talking to one guy, who is pretty attractive. After texting for a few days, I realize all he wants is sex. Which I think leads me back to my addictive behavior because I began obsessing over meeting him and seeing what happens. I know this guy wants sex and it's not gonna turn into anything real. So I stop myself and think "so why can't I just have sex with him?" but then I see how I'm anxiously waiting for his texts. I don't like it. We decided we would meet, but pretty much I'm seeing this as "we're meeting to hook up" and a part of me agrees and then the other part stops myself. I think he finally got annoyed, said I don't know what I want and stopped texting.
Well what I can say is I do know what I want.... and I do not think he will be able to give me what I want. I want a healthy stable, exclusive loving relationship. With him I won't get that, and I don't actually think I can have a relationship with anyone right now. I want to finish school and see where I can get a job and focus on all that before beginning a relationship. I don't want a guy to hold me back from my goals. So then again, I think, well can't I just have some fun with this guy... no strings attached? There's always strings. I wish there was a way to separate sex and my feelings but I know it's not gonna happen. I guess I have had a few guys that I had sex with and then moved on.... but idk. I'm scared of repeating the cycle with a new guy. I know what I should do and I think this is were my self love comes in and I need to move on from this and just focus on myself. I just am so scared I'll give in to that voice that says "just do it....have some fun"
I was talking to a friend, we were talking about how we have never "dated". I had two long term relationships, which began pretty fast. (and then took years to end) and then with my xPOA, we dated, (I thought exclusively) for 6 months, and then the rest was us hanging out, having sex, and having a toxic relationship that I could not detach from So as I'm talking to my friend, I'm wondering "why can't I just date, and meet guys, go out with them and thats it?" Not take anything serious, just learn to have dates. Idk. I was talking to a few guys that I met on some app. Then I began talking to one guy, who is pretty attractive. After texting for a few days, I realize all he wants is sex. Which I think leads me back to my addictive behavior because I began obsessing over meeting him and seeing what happens. I know this guy wants sex and it's not gonna turn into anything real. So I stop myself and think "so why can't I just have sex with him?" but then I see how I'm anxiously waiting for his texts. I don't like it. We decided we would meet, but pretty much I'm seeing this as "we're meeting to hook up" and a part of me agrees and then the other part stops myself. I think he finally got annoyed, said I don't know what I want and stopped texting.
Well what I can say is I do know what I want.... and I do not think he will be able to give me what I want. I want a healthy stable, exclusive loving relationship. With him I won't get that, and I don't actually think I can have a relationship with anyone right now. I want to finish school and see where I can get a job and focus on all that before beginning a relationship. I don't want a guy to hold me back from my goals. So then again, I think, well can't I just have some fun with this guy... no strings attached? There's always strings. I wish there was a way to separate sex and my feelings but I know it's not gonna happen. I guess I have had a few guys that I had sex with and then moved on.... but idk. I'm scared of repeating the cycle with a new guy. I know what I should do and I think this is were my self love comes in and I need to move on from this and just focus on myself. I just am so scared I'll give in to that voice that says "just do it....have some fun"
