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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 2, 2014 23:31:51 GMT -8
I have noticed that there are well-meaning members here who are anxiously "waiting" for something or someone to "rescue" them from something. As if their life is on hold or would not be complete without it.
Though a person or an event may serve a purpose in one's life for a season; a date, partner, girlfriend/boyfriend, therapist, sponsor, romance, fantasy, marriage, cannot always be "all that" it promises to be. So what will happen to you if it/he/she does not come or has changed their minds? Will your life remains at a standstill? Will you continue living your life halfway or halfheartedly?
I believe that if you don't have it you don't need it and there is a right time for everything. So make the most of what you do have right now. Today, you have you and that is much better than anybody else to be around with in this world.
I was a relationship addict before and I always have lived my life with a wealthy boyfriend, a sexy casual date, and a friend by my side. I used to think I could not last a day without them. But they were my "crutches" who only made me limit my potential. I did not find my true identity, ability, purpose and calling until I am standing on my own two feet away from them. The money, pleasure, security, stability, popularity, I gained from them were all fleeting. After a while it is gone and I have to face my life on its own term.
Eventually, at some point every human being will be left to him/herself with no romantic partner or whatsoever "crutches" he/she is been holding onto!
So you can't forever run from your self-responsibility. You need to face your issues now while you still have time and plan wisely ahead. Gee, I have so many things I want to accomplish with so little time. If I can only borrow love addicts' time wasted on their POA and needless "waiting" for their "rescuers" to come instead of taking self-responsibility right here, right now.
So what are you waiting for before you live your life to the fullest? Don't wait for tomorrow when you can start where you are right now. You only need you to get you going. Things will just follow. Just keep making healthy and wise choices now and doing the next right thing. No matter how small it may be, in time, you will reap a sure reward.
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 3, 2014 3:38:46 GMT -8
I have noticed that there are well-meaning members here who are anxiously "waiting" for something or someone to "rescue" them from something. As if their life is on hold or would not be complete without it.Though a person or an event may serve a purpose in one's life for a season; a date, partner, girlfriend/boyfriend, therapist, sponsor, romance, fantasy, marriage, cannot be "all that". So what will happen to you if it/he/she does not come or has changed their minds? Will your life remains at a standstill? Will you continue living your life half-way or half-heartedly?I believe that if you don't have it you don't need it and there is a right time for everything. So make the most of what you do have right now. Today, you have you and that is much better than anybody else to be around with in this world. I was a relationship addict before and I always have lived my life with a wealthy boyfriend, a sexy casual date, and a friend by my side. I used to think I could not last a day without them. But they were my "crutches" who only made me limit my potential. I did not find my true identity, ability, purpose and calling until I am standing on my own two feet away from them. The money, pleasure, security, stability, popularity, I gained from them were all fleeting. After a while it is gone and I have to face my life on its own term. Sooner or later every human being will be left by him/herself with no romantic partner or whatsoever "crutches"! So you can't forever run from your self-responsibility. You need to face your issues now while you still have time and plan wisely ahead. Gee, I have so many things I want to accomplish with so little time. If I can only borrow love addicts' time wasted on their POA and needless "waiting" for their "rescuers" to come instead of taking self-responsibility right here, right now. So what are you waiting for before you live your life to the fullest? Don't wait for tomorrow when you can start where you are right now. You only need you to get you going. Things will just follow. Just keep making healthy and wise choices now and doing the next right thing. No matter how small it may be, in time, you will reap a sure reward. |
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 3, 2014 3:44:44 GMT -8
It is very very true. Life is short. And also i can say thanks to my poa.s here i am doing life sentence( haha) for my me recovery. and i am enjoying life more then i was tidyed up to them addictions. Plus no cigaretes from sunday,and i need to work on painting house. I chouse nice and bright colours.have a interesting journey  |
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 11, 2014 22:41:23 GMT -8
I have some financial goals for the next 3-4 years. I already started this month and not waiting for "new year" to get the ball rolling. I love "New Years", but I can make each day a New Day too. Even the "middle" of the month, day, hour, can be effectively planned and used as well, like a start of the year.
Waiting has a very important purpose but don't use it as an excuse for not doing what you can here and now.
Time is inelastic, irreplaceable, perishable, and you cannot buy it. In business, "time is money". So since we all have 24 hours in a day, make sure to make the most out of it. Be proactive and productive!
Addiction, drama, reliving the past, fantasy, are all such a big time-waster! Get on with your life now! Yes, n o w...is a good starting point to where you want to be!
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 20, 2014 5:38:56 GMT -8
One way to increase your self-esteem is to realistically assess where you need to improve the most and then build yourself there. If you need to develop your communication skills, try listening to professionals, how do they do it. You can also learn new words and improve your vocabulary. Continually seek improvement. Don't just wish for it but take the right action.
Furthermore, don't limit your potential by having nothing else in your portfolio except attending recovery meetings, having recovery goals only. Life is so much richer and bigger than that. You are not forever recovering from something unless you are stuck and not learning and growing! So continue to explore, learn something new each day.
There are a lot of great things to achieve and there are real, healthy people to meet outside your comfort zone, social media, and recovery meetings. The more you are able to find yourself in different light/perspective the more confident you will become.
So what are you waiting for? Take action today to build yourself up and explore new things.
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 21, 2014 5:58:40 GMT -8
Am scared to fail
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 21, 2014 6:11:35 GMT -8
I feel like a hurt animal don't want to be around people. Looking for peace and quiet. Also very much I miss friendship but my friends have red tags as we'll. or I used to ignor ppl. .. Been waking more then ever tho, bath , maybe It's scaring off changes I not used to them. And maybe am scared off unknown. For today I'll take dog for a walk tho I want to stay home as it's getting cold. And missing cigarets .. A lot. Also sex. It's been a month been very good and safe. Did not slept around. And also scared off man.
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Post by loveellen on Dec 21, 2014 6:59:50 GMT -8
I have noticed that there are well-meaning members here who are anxiously "waiting" for something or someone to "rescue" them from something. As if their life is on hold or would not be complete without it.Though a person or an event may serve a purpose in one's life for a season; a date, partner, girlfriend/boyfriend, therapist, sponsor, romance, fantasy, marriage, cannot always be "all that" it promises to be. So what will happen to you if it/he/she does not come or has changed their minds? Will your life remains at a standstill? Will you continue living your life halfway or halfheartedly?I believe that if you don't have it you don't need it and there is a right time for everything. So make the most of what you do have right now. Today, you have you and that is much better than anybody else to be around with in this world. I was a relationship addict before and I always have lived my life with a wealthy boyfriend, a sexy casual date, and a friend by my side. I used to think I could not last a day without them. But they were my "crutches" who only made me limit my potential. I did not find my true identity, ability, purpose and calling until I am standing on my own two feet away from them. The money, pleasure, security, stability, popularity, I gained from them were all fleeting. After a while it is gone and I have to face my life on its own term. Eventually, at some point every human being will be left to him/herself with no romantic partner or whatsoever "crutches" he/she is been holding onto! So you can't forever run from your self-responsibility. You need to face your issues now while you still have time and plan wisely ahead. Gee, I have so many things I want to accomplish with so little time. If I can only borrow love addicts' time wasted on their POA and needless "waiting" for their "rescuers" to come instead of taking self-responsibility right here, right now. So what are you waiting for before you live your life to the fullest? Don't wait for tomorrow when you can start where you are right now. You only need you to get you going. Things will just follow. Just keep making healthy and wise choices now and doing the next right thing. No matter how small it may be, in time, you will reap a sure reward. totally undersatnds, but sober first... |
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 21, 2014 9:24:21 GMT -8
Had marvellous walk with dog and also company off strangers who was not dangerous for me. End up waking with 4 adults and 10 dogs. And conversations was mostly about whether but it's all I needed . Feel great!! X. I guess I am waiting for that push over as well. Therapist exct. But I understand as long as I keep writing here I cannot go back it's like telling myself truth about me. And I cannot lie. So am doing what is right for me, thank you for support.
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 21, 2014 11:13:47 GMT -8
" Fear of failure" is similar to "fear of rejection", which is an acquired fear. No one is born with it. It is a learned condition. Actually, most fears are learned by repetition of the fear-inducing event or thoughts of those events. So we can also unlearn them by repeated acts of courage in opposition to the responses of fear. We can reprogram our brains. There is hope. There is solution. |
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 21, 2014 11:29:18 GMT -8
You are doing well! I am proud of your progress. Imagine, no toxic cigarettes, sex, and no contact. All major positive steps! You are a winner!
Also, I am glad that you met new people and interacted with them as you walked your dog.
Just take it one day at a time and walk with your HP too.
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 21, 2014 12:22:21 GMT -8
Bless you codepnomore . And also am going to holiday!!! With kids to Norway .. Am getting excited:)))) my one off the dreams is to travel all over the world. I so love architecture , museums , different cultures it's fascinating. You made me proud! Am so great-full for this board! It's like home where I feel welcome and care about. Big hug for this family! Xx
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 21, 2014 12:30:05 GMT -8
Please can you explain about fair off rejection , I must admin to don't trust people maybe I have to high expectations. My previous job : I was working very hard 3 years. I left 3 mnth ago I felt rejected when I wasn't invited to Christmas party although previous year the ppl who left was in. And it happen more then once I took it personally.
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 21, 2014 23:17:39 GMT -8
My affirmations. - I Am in control off my feelings. - I am choosing not to be victim. - I trust HP to build myself up - I am unique - I love my life just as it is at the moment. - I proud off myself for being loyal, trustworthy. - I let myself to feel my feelings and do not run from them no more. - I choose not to judge myself for what has happened in the past but say thank you for HP for suffering. - I am great-full for ppl ,who had given me advice and support. - I am worthy. - I am whole and becoming complete. - I am beautiful from inside, harmonious. - I love my kids. - I am my best friend - I choose not to judge myself for what has happened in the past but say thank you for HP for suffering. - I choose to cry when am upset, not think that I am weak because off that. - food is for survival not to full fill my emotions
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 21, 2014 23:30:10 GMT -8
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2014 7:14:12 GMT -8
waterlilli - I really like your affirmations, I will try some of them myself today.
Affirming your love for your children seems especially healthy to me; it is so easy for those of us who have been damaged to be poor parents, and poor friends too. By refusing to pass on the pain you have experienced you are cutting the chain connecting the generations of suffering. You are putting into practice that old slogan, "Let It Begin With Me." Kudos to you!
And I support you in letting the tears out too. I hear that you do not allow your grief to block you from taking action (doing your job, taking care of your kids, traveling for the holiday), but that when it is appropriate you let the tears come up. I think many of us have a big storehouse of accumulated grief from past hurts of all sorts. It needs to be heard, and to be soothed. Maybe if it is safe and feels right you can share some of that grief while visiting your friend over the holiday? It can really help to get the sadness out with a trusted friend, I have always found. And friends who can handle that without giving you advice and without getting uncomfortable -- they are a great blessing!
Your courage and commitment is an inspiration for all of us. Let's keep walking, one step at a time, one day at a time. There is good and bright future ahead for all of us if we keep the faith.
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 22, 2014 8:07:00 GMT -8
Thank you for saying nice things and commenting on affirmations. I was feeling well in the morning but my financial crisis and my sister advice , come back home for ever made me anxious. It's like she knows what is best for me. And she's willing to help me when I come back , she would. But I been there, I felt same lonely as I feel here sometimes . Also poa contacted me twice even I ignored but it made me piss off and angry. I sharing here as my closet friend is me and HP . Other ppl I am very aware and there is no one at the moment who will not give me advice, and just listen. Here is different here we admit out problems out load. I don't have to hide. Or pretend. Love you All.x
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 25, 2014 3:06:04 GMT -8
Please can you explain about fair off rejection , I must admin to don't trust people maybe I have to high expectations. My previous job : I was working very hard 3 years. I left 3 mnth ago I felt rejected when I wasn't invited to Christmas party although previous year the ppl who left was in. And it happen more then once I took it personally. I'm familiar with your experience...That only shows you made the right decision of leaving them. It's their problem. You deserved fair treatment from your workplace. When we were born, we had no fears at all except for two: the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. All other fears you have learned growing up. Fear of rejection is an acquired fear based on "conditional love". When you grew up in an environment where your parent(s) withdraw their love and approval from you if you did not do what they wanted or expected from you. They would either criticize or punish you to get you to do what they wanted you to do. So you became dependent on how others view you; whether they like or accept you or not. It usually stems from inferiority complex. However, as I have mentioned in my previous post, you can still reprogram your brain. You can still replace the old, poor self-image you have accustomed to and start developing healthy thoughts. PS: Enjoy your holiday in Norway! |
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 25, 2014 3:58:20 GMT -8
You are so clever and your answers always makes sence to me. Thank you for replay. My God bless your path .xxx
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 26, 2014 18:45:51 GMT -8
Thank you. I acquired it through continuous education and listening to my HP for guidance and wisdom.
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 26, 2014 20:16:52 GMT -8
Every human being has a choice on what to take/give, what to do and not to do, how to live, and anything related to our needs. The only things that are outside of our control or choices are natural calamity, death, and things of such nature.
For example, you choose to eat mindlessly, instead of mindfully for your good health, and to be idle, instead of exercising, etc. Then you become obese or sick, so that is your own making. You can undo it just by changing your lifestyle. Same goes with sleeping. There are ways you can sleep better and longer. Such as not taking caffeine anymore except in the morning, drinking milk before bedtime, etc...
It is your choice too whether to remain hooked on your POA or not, to remain in an unhealthy relationship or move on, to learn and develop new, good habits or remain stuck with old, bad ones.
It is all up to you. Period.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 28, 2015 0:16:51 GMT -8
Sadly, many love addicts are hungry for flattery and desperate for attention. So any romantic, fantasy-based, "feel good" comment make them easily get influenced by that person. No matter if that person uses flattery for selfish gain to actually make *him* feel wanted and good about *himself* and not you. Don't be deceived: A person who only flatters you is not your friend...
"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."
Proverbs 27:6
"The trouble with most of us is that we'd rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism."
Norman Vincent Peale
Please create a standard for yourself so you will be able to distinguish between "sugar-coated" empty talk, and the ones that have true value even if it hurts to hear them.
Recovery seeks truth that may hurt in the beginning but heals in the end. While addiction seeks attention and flattery that deceives and hurts her in the end.
Be wise and choose well!
Codepnomore
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Post by SeasonsChange on Jan 28, 2015 8:32:05 GMT -8
Recovery seeks truth that may hurt in the beginning but heals in the end. While addiction seeks attention and flattery that deceives and hurts her in the end. Be wise and choose well![/b] Codepnomore[/quote] Wow! Yes. So good to hear this morning. (The entire thread was encouraging.) Something else you said in this post really got me thinking...in my case my POA was a good friend that I had for a few years. He and his wife were couple friends with my hubby and I...anyway, nothing physical ever happened and no confession of his affection ever happened: it was what my counselor called "the most benign emotional affair" she'd ever heard of. Because of these things I've always looked at it as mostly one sided and that he was just innocently trying to be my friend and just had some confusing emotional boundaries but when I was reading what you said above about a person using flattery for selfish gain, it just tweaked my thinking for a minute. Maybe I've been looking at this all wrong. I've been thinking he was so flattering because he cared about me (granted I was starving for attention so even the tiniest amount of flattery was incredibly heady.) but if I'm reading what you wrote correctly, his flattery was somehow actually serving his own purpose of...of what? Something he said in our very last conversation has been ringing in my head, it was actually an apology, "I'm sorry I was just thinking of myself and being selfish, not thinking if how it might be effecting you." Is that his honest assessment of what you are saying? I guess there is still this naive part of me that is still thinking he really cared about me and maybe the light is trying to shine in to say "I" was actually being fooled by his flattery and attention because "I" was/am so needy and HE actually was just getting a need met by my friendship that was self serving and that he wasn't careful about emotional boundaries. I don't know!!!! (We were chatting via social media several times a day for a couple months toward the end...I 'found out' that as married persons that's not healthy.  ?) But what you said triggered this ramble of mine. Perhaps someone can shed more light on it for me? I am wondering, and asking myself, what AM I waiting for? I have a wonderful husband a beautiful life and I still moon over this lost connection...I wonder what 'need' it served for me and how I can replace it with something healthy if it is/was an addiction...I've done a LOT of work in this area and yet it still crops up. |
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 28, 2015 9:28:16 GMT -8
SeasonsChange, I'm glad your eyes are wide open now. Flattery can be used to manipulate the other person into doing what he wants, win favor, keep someone from seeing the light or truth of the matter, avoid harm, to be liked, gain approval, love, acceptance, to keep the other person attached to them, etc. Flatterers never correct us, often lie, they will make even our vices and follies seem good so that we never discover the difference between good and bad, right and wrong. They will tell us what we want to hear. It is dangerous to have a "friend" like that. They only care to protect their own interests. So go for truthful people. They are authentic and will speak the truth to your face because they genuinely care. They want you safe and sound. They care more about you than the relationship you have with them. They are willing to risk being hated for telling the truth than being loved flattering/lying to you. Most of my meaningful relationships lasted for decades because it is founded in truth and love. I never pretend nor flatter anyone. I mean what I say and practice what I preach even if no one is around. And I cannot be bought nor flattered because I can read people & stuff that matter to me.
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 4, 2015 6:54:31 GMT -8
Since flattery is "not my cup of tea". Let me get straight to the point here...
Some of you are in an abusive relationship and yet you are staying, risking even the sanity and safety of your own children. Is that love? Who is abusing who?
Some of you are still in an unhealthy relationship/fantasy even though you know that you know it is not working and you need to separate/detach. Is that taking responsibility or using someone/relationship to stay within your comfort zone? How long will you delay taking action?
Some of you have been forewarned over and over again about the danger of premature dating in recovery, especially from dating sites and yet you go there as if it is a safe, healthy place for you. Where is your standard and boundary? Are you seeking genuine recovery or taking it for granted?
"You can't have your cake and eat it too." Or "you can't serve two masters"...
Either you protect yourself and save your sanity by leaving your abusive relationship or stay and get more traumatizing abuses.
Either take responsibility and leave that unhealthy relationship or stay stuck in fear and continue being an emotional retarded.
Either remove yourself from toxic people, place, and stuff or stay/get back into addiction.
If we will all be complacent; loosening up or compromising our standards, justifying or rationalizing what we do, then nothing of value ever gonna happen to us. Time and time again, lack of discipline only brings destruction, but discipline leads the way to life.
It is your choice : Go easy with your standard and suffer for it or upgrade it and live a better life.
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Post by CodepNomore on Sept 20, 2015 1:43:37 GMT -8
For Job-seekers...
I have been a frequent job-seeker for the longest time. My greatest obstacle for these recent years has been my age. How did I overcome it and ended up being offered a job immediately right after the grueling interviews? (For the record, 9 out of 10 companies offered me a job after rounds of interviews. Yes, ironically, I ended up even the one selecting which job has the best offer for me.)
First, I credit it to my hp. He is my gracious employer, equipper, and faithful provider.
Second, I live it. I live out my calling. I was not waiting for an opportunity, interview, employer or company to be prepared. Even when I did not have an official job yet, I would live as employed already. I am constantly training to get better and better. I would always ask myself, am I the kind of employee I would want to hire/retain/promote, if I am a world-class employer?
In fact, as a job-seeker, I was looking forward to interviews more than anything else, and based on its positive outcome, I nailed it. And once I finally got a job, I am still constantly training to improve. There is always room for improvements.
So job-seekers, what are you waiting for? Don't wait for interview to be ready. Be ever-ready now!
Don't wait to have a job, live out your true calling now. Live as your own employer now; know what you can contribute and maximize them, and soon you will shine too.
For Angry, Bitter Hearts...
I was very angry with a family member for the abuses he had put us through. Up to this day, he is the kind of person not easy to deal with. So how I have overcome my anger and bitterness towards his narcissistic nature and past abuses?
First, I leave him to my hp. Good or bad, what is due him will be given to him. That is the law of sowing and reaping.
Second, acceptance...
That there are people who choose to do toxic and I have no control over someone else's behavior or action...That life is not always fair...And I have my own flaws too. So for sure there were/are people whose tolerance, patience, and forgiveness, I needed too.
Third, I take ownership. No one can cause me to feel angry, upset, sad, whatever, without my permission. It is up to me what I choose to reside or store in my heart.
Fourth, I choose to love, forgive for my own good.
Love and forgiveness make my heart at peace. When I kept anger in my heart towards a certain person, it was damaging me. I was restless and becoming the person I don't want to be. (Sometimes if we are not careful, we could become the very person we dislike. Remember, we give power to where we focus our attention to.)
Therefore, even just for my own sake, I am choosing to let go, love, and forgive.
So angry, bitter hearts...What are you waiting for? You lose your peace if you keep anger in your heart and it could eventually damage your health and relationship with others too. For your own sake do everything to let go of that anger and focus on the good stuff you want to develop in you. Ultimately, it is still your choice. Take care.
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