Post by CodepNomore on Dec 8, 2014 22:50:40 GMT -8
"FREEDOM FROM CO-DEPENDENCY"
Teaching By Joyce Meyer
I. What Is Co-Dependency?
A. When “someone else’s problem” controls my behavior and life decisions, I have become co-dependent.
1. A co-dependent is a person who is involved in a relationship with someone who is “dependent” on some kind of abnormal behavior.
2. The co-dependent person does not really live “their own life.” They are CONTROLLED by the problem of the dependent person.
3. They spend most of their time trying to please the dependent person and trying to FIX, RESCUE, or HELP them.
You can lead a mule to water, but you can’t make him drink.
B. If you are co-dependent, you must declare your independence and become dependent on God.
C. We are often too involved in other people’s problems.
1. Hebrews 12:1 teaches us to strip off and throw aside every encumbrance, weight, sin, and all that clings to and entangles us.
2. Some people become weights – they cling to us and drag us down. If we get entangled in their problems, it will prevent us from reaching our own goals.
a. Example: You may have a goal on Monday morning to spend the day getting your house clean and doing the grocery shopping and the laundry. Your “needy” friend calls – can she come over? She is depressed and needs you to talk to her. Your first thought is “not again.” But then you are attacked with guilt – after all, you are a Christian. You should be willing to lay aside your desires and help others.
b. If the same person needs so much from us that we cannot obey God, we are out of balance if we keep trying to give in to them.
1) I Thessalonians 2:4 – We speak to please God and not man.
2) Galatians 1:10a-b – Now am I trying to win the favor of men, or of God? Do I seek to please men?
3) We must all ask ourselves this all-important question.
c. People like this need to learn to go to God. If we keep standing between God and them, we are not ministering – we are hindering.
II. Types Of Dependencies That Can Make You A Co-Dependent Person
A. Alcohol, drugs, or other substance abuse
B. Controller or manipulator
1. I was controlling and manipulating. It was rooted in fear of being hurt, which came from an abusive past.
2. If I stayed “in control” of things, I felt safer.
3. A person who is a controller is wrong, but the person who allows themselves to be controlled is just as wrong.
4. Always remember: “WE DON’T HELP PEOPLE IF WE DON’T CONFRONT THEM.”
5. I tried (without knowing what I was doing) to make Dave co-dependent on my hang-ups, but he demanded the right to live his life. He loved me. He helped me as much as I would allow him to, but he would not let me control him.
a. I Corinthians 9:19 – For although I am free in every way from anyone’s control, I have made myself a bondservant to everyone, so that I might gain the more [for Christ].
b. If we refuse to be anyone’s slave, we are then free to be their servant.
c. Dave was a true servant to me: he helped me, loved me, encouraged me, was patient with my hang-ups, and did things for me.
He did them as a free man, motivated by desire not by demand.
6. For many years he let me have my way about a lot of things just to keep peace; but SUDDENLY, he started confronting my behavior. It was very hard for me. My flesh went absolutely wild, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
C. Perfectionist
1. A perfectionist can make life narrow and miserable for every- one they are in relationship with. It is almost impossible to please them.
2. They can be temperamental people (easily angered) who are centered on themselves and what they want. Their perfect plan begins to control everyone’s life.
a. They need the revelation of Proverbs 16:9 – Man’s mind plans his way, but God directs his steps.
Romans 12:16 would also help them greatly – Adjust yourself to people and things.
b. Perfectionist, get a grip and face reality. Nothing and nobody is perfect – not even you!
3. They can also be deeply insecure and searching for worth through perfect lives, looks, behavior, or surroundings.
4. I was “out of balance” concerning the way my house looked. I cleaned constantly and was unable to allow my family to really enjoy our home for very long without wanting them to clean things up.
a. I think when we feel messy inside; extremely neat surroundings somehow make us feel a little more together.
b. Of course, we should be orderly, neat and clean; but not extreme and excessive.
D. Workaholic
1. Workaholics always want everybody to work. If anybody is resting or enjoying, they are encouraged to WORK. Work and accomplishment become everything.
2. Workaholics are often hiding or running from something. Working all the time prevents them from having to deal with it.
3. I Peter 5:8 – Be well balanced, for your adversary the dtoxic roams about like a roaring lion, in hunger, seeking someone to seize upon and devour.
E. Sexual perversions
1. Some people cannot perform sexually without perverted behavior. If they are dependent on perversion and insist that you join them, they have made you co-dependent.
F. Hypochondriac
1. Some individuals control others through their abundance of aches and pains, sicknesses and diseases. It is a never- ending cycle. All they want to talk about is how they feel.
2. Even when a person is genuinely sick, it does no good to constantly think and talk about it. It is difficult to suffer alone, but we must remember that Jesus went to the garden alone – all of his friends fell asleep. There are times in our life when nobody can help us but God.
G. Eating disorders
1. I have seen families almost totally destroyed by one daughter in the family having an eating disorder. All their conversation, time, and effort went into trying to get her well for years.
2. Shouldn’t we try to help people? How can a family avoid allowing a situation like this to gain control over everyone?
a. Yes, we should try to help people; but they must want help and be ready to do everything they can to get help and cooperate with it.
b. People will never be healed or set free on someone else’s effort alone.
3. Eating disorders are quickly becoming one of our number one problems. The root of an eating disorder is an emotional problem – rejection, abuse, feeling unloved, severely insecure, perfectionist, etc.
Ephesians 6:12 – We must remember that we war not with flesh and blood, but with principalities and powers and wickedness in high places
4. If you are strong enough spiritually that the dtoxic cannot control you directly, he may try to do so through another individual, who either does not know how to resist the dtoxic or simply does not want to.
H. Identity crisis problems
1. Some people are insecure to the point of it being a sickness. They need others to keep them “propped up” and “fixed” all the time. You cannot be honest with them – they are touchy about everything.
2. Trying to be in relationship with someone who is having
an “identity crisis” is very difficult. They are usually centered on themselves.
They cannot put much into a relationship; they are TOO NEEDY. They need to be encouraged; they need people to understand them; they need more attention; they need people to listen to them; they need to be put in positions they are really not qualified for just to make them feel good about themselves. They need you not to confront them; it is too difficult for them. They misunderstand things all the time. If you tell them no, you don’t care about them. If you don’t invite them everywhere you go, you are rejecting them, and on and on.
3. They are always trying to figure out some deep “inner feeling” they have. They don’t understand themselves, “Why do I feel this way? Why do I act this way?”
Most of us don’t understand ourselves until we are about 50, and by then we don’t care anymore.
I. Overcoming an abusive past
1. I know how difficult this is, but I also know that we often begin to use our problems to get our own way and to get attention.
2. We must be careful of having a “victim” mentality.
a. Let God take what Satan meant for your harm and work it out to your good.
b. Genesis 50:20 – Think of how long Joseph could have taken to get over the violence, abuse, rejection, and hatred of his brothers.
His positive attitude plus centering his life on doing God’s will made the difference.
1) Had Joseph lived in the twentieth or twenty-first century, he might still be trying to get emotional healing. Our society makes provision for people to linger in these problems.
2) Our whole society (often, even the church) is geared toward me-ism. We need to be more outreach minded, get our minds off of ourselves, and let God show His miracle- working power in our lives.
3. We cannot blame everything on our past to the point of taking no responsibility for bad and ungodly behavior.
To Be Continued...
Teaching By Joyce Meyer
I. What Is Co-Dependency?
A. When “someone else’s problem” controls my behavior and life decisions, I have become co-dependent.
1. A co-dependent is a person who is involved in a relationship with someone who is “dependent” on some kind of abnormal behavior.
2. The co-dependent person does not really live “their own life.” They are CONTROLLED by the problem of the dependent person.
3. They spend most of their time trying to please the dependent person and trying to FIX, RESCUE, or HELP them.
You can lead a mule to water, but you can’t make him drink.
B. If you are co-dependent, you must declare your independence and become dependent on God.
C. We are often too involved in other people’s problems.
1. Hebrews 12:1 teaches us to strip off and throw aside every encumbrance, weight, sin, and all that clings to and entangles us.
2. Some people become weights – they cling to us and drag us down. If we get entangled in their problems, it will prevent us from reaching our own goals.
a. Example: You may have a goal on Monday morning to spend the day getting your house clean and doing the grocery shopping and the laundry. Your “needy” friend calls – can she come over? She is depressed and needs you to talk to her. Your first thought is “not again.” But then you are attacked with guilt – after all, you are a Christian. You should be willing to lay aside your desires and help others.
b. If the same person needs so much from us that we cannot obey God, we are out of balance if we keep trying to give in to them.
1) I Thessalonians 2:4 – We speak to please God and not man.
2) Galatians 1:10a-b – Now am I trying to win the favor of men, or of God? Do I seek to please men?
3) We must all ask ourselves this all-important question.
c. People like this need to learn to go to God. If we keep standing between God and them, we are not ministering – we are hindering.
II. Types Of Dependencies That Can Make You A Co-Dependent Person
A. Alcohol, drugs, or other substance abuse
B. Controller or manipulator
1. I was controlling and manipulating. It was rooted in fear of being hurt, which came from an abusive past.
2. If I stayed “in control” of things, I felt safer.
3. A person who is a controller is wrong, but the person who allows themselves to be controlled is just as wrong.
4. Always remember: “WE DON’T HELP PEOPLE IF WE DON’T CONFRONT THEM.”
5. I tried (without knowing what I was doing) to make Dave co-dependent on my hang-ups, but he demanded the right to live his life. He loved me. He helped me as much as I would allow him to, but he would not let me control him.
a. I Corinthians 9:19 – For although I am free in every way from anyone’s control, I have made myself a bondservant to everyone, so that I might gain the more [for Christ].
b. If we refuse to be anyone’s slave, we are then free to be their servant.
c. Dave was a true servant to me: he helped me, loved me, encouraged me, was patient with my hang-ups, and did things for me.
He did them as a free man, motivated by desire not by demand.
6. For many years he let me have my way about a lot of things just to keep peace; but SUDDENLY, he started confronting my behavior. It was very hard for me. My flesh went absolutely wild, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
C. Perfectionist
1. A perfectionist can make life narrow and miserable for every- one they are in relationship with. It is almost impossible to please them.
2. They can be temperamental people (easily angered) who are centered on themselves and what they want. Their perfect plan begins to control everyone’s life.
a. They need the revelation of Proverbs 16:9 – Man’s mind plans his way, but God directs his steps.
Romans 12:16 would also help them greatly – Adjust yourself to people and things.
b. Perfectionist, get a grip and face reality. Nothing and nobody is perfect – not even you!
3. They can also be deeply insecure and searching for worth through perfect lives, looks, behavior, or surroundings.
4. I was “out of balance” concerning the way my house looked. I cleaned constantly and was unable to allow my family to really enjoy our home for very long without wanting them to clean things up.
a. I think when we feel messy inside; extremely neat surroundings somehow make us feel a little more together.
b. Of course, we should be orderly, neat and clean; but not extreme and excessive.
D. Workaholic
1. Workaholics always want everybody to work. If anybody is resting or enjoying, they are encouraged to WORK. Work and accomplishment become everything.
2. Workaholics are often hiding or running from something. Working all the time prevents them from having to deal with it.
3. I Peter 5:8 – Be well balanced, for your adversary the dtoxic roams about like a roaring lion, in hunger, seeking someone to seize upon and devour.
E. Sexual perversions
1. Some people cannot perform sexually without perverted behavior. If they are dependent on perversion and insist that you join them, they have made you co-dependent.
F. Hypochondriac
1. Some individuals control others through their abundance of aches and pains, sicknesses and diseases. It is a never- ending cycle. All they want to talk about is how they feel.
2. Even when a person is genuinely sick, it does no good to constantly think and talk about it. It is difficult to suffer alone, but we must remember that Jesus went to the garden alone – all of his friends fell asleep. There are times in our life when nobody can help us but God.
G. Eating disorders
1. I have seen families almost totally destroyed by one daughter in the family having an eating disorder. All their conversation, time, and effort went into trying to get her well for years.
2. Shouldn’t we try to help people? How can a family avoid allowing a situation like this to gain control over everyone?
a. Yes, we should try to help people; but they must want help and be ready to do everything they can to get help and cooperate with it.
b. People will never be healed or set free on someone else’s effort alone.
3. Eating disorders are quickly becoming one of our number one problems. The root of an eating disorder is an emotional problem – rejection, abuse, feeling unloved, severely insecure, perfectionist, etc.
Ephesians 6:12 – We must remember that we war not with flesh and blood, but with principalities and powers and wickedness in high places
4. If you are strong enough spiritually that the dtoxic cannot control you directly, he may try to do so through another individual, who either does not know how to resist the dtoxic or simply does not want to.
H. Identity crisis problems
1. Some people are insecure to the point of it being a sickness. They need others to keep them “propped up” and “fixed” all the time. You cannot be honest with them – they are touchy about everything.
2. Trying to be in relationship with someone who is having
an “identity crisis” is very difficult. They are usually centered on themselves.
They cannot put much into a relationship; they are TOO NEEDY. They need to be encouraged; they need people to understand them; they need more attention; they need people to listen to them; they need to be put in positions they are really not qualified for just to make them feel good about themselves. They need you not to confront them; it is too difficult for them. They misunderstand things all the time. If you tell them no, you don’t care about them. If you don’t invite them everywhere you go, you are rejecting them, and on and on.
3. They are always trying to figure out some deep “inner feeling” they have. They don’t understand themselves, “Why do I feel this way? Why do I act this way?”
Most of us don’t understand ourselves until we are about 50, and by then we don’t care anymore.
I. Overcoming an abusive past
1. I know how difficult this is, but I also know that we often begin to use our problems to get our own way and to get attention.
2. We must be careful of having a “victim” mentality.
a. Let God take what Satan meant for your harm and work it out to your good.
b. Genesis 50:20 – Think of how long Joseph could have taken to get over the violence, abuse, rejection, and hatred of his brothers.
His positive attitude plus centering his life on doing God’s will made the difference.
1) Had Joseph lived in the twentieth or twenty-first century, he might still be trying to get emotional healing. Our society makes provision for people to linger in these problems.
2) Our whole society (often, even the church) is geared toward me-ism. We need to be more outreach minded, get our minds off of ourselves, and let God show His miracle- working power in our lives.
3. We cannot blame everything on our past to the point of taking no responsibility for bad and ungodly behavior.
To Be Continued...