Alternatives to suicide

Thank you for responding James C T. I made it thru the night. I am still in an awful place. By the time I saw your message that you could talk it was pretty late and I was feeling exhausted. I really appreciate your offer to speak with me. I am so wiped out that I don't even feel like putting the effort out to call anyone. Perhaps later today I will.

I have some legal stuff to take care of before I do anything. My will has my oldest daughter in control of my addicted daughter's inheritance should something happen to me. I now see the error in that decision. If my oldest daughter is so incapable of forgiving me chances are she will also never see her sister as recovering either. I didn't want to leave my addicted daughter with someone I charge that doesn't believe people can change and that they are hopeless.

Additionally I have not done what I would like to do because I don't want to risk my addicted daughter's possibility at real recovery this time. I know having your mother commit suicide would be signing her death warrant as well, I just can't function. But I'm alive.

My therapist tells me I am making progress but after this christmas I do not see it and certainly don't feel it. I feel utterly hopeless. I had started putting pieces back into my life that I thought were positive. I found a job that was to start Jan. 7. I had also found a place to volunteer that I was looking forward to. I don't really need a job, but I felt that I had too much time on my hands and that was giving me too much time to think. Also, I don't have much of a life here, no friends and don't know how to find any. . Since moving here I mostly kept busy between my PoA, my daughter and grandsons, and my mother who died this fall. Now that everything has changed I see no point. This is why I thought I was getting better to take the steps to get a job and the volunteer work. Now I'm so depressed I can nearly get out of bed, let alone function in a job.My head aches from none stop crying. I wish god would just end it for me.

Susan, I had some remaining minutes left from when I called you for counseling over a Month ago. Should I use the remainder minutes I have with you I called you and talked with you about the no contact about a month ago. I paid for an hour consult but we didn't use it all. I used my American Express. My first name is Ona. Let me know if you think that would be a good idea. I guess I'm not thinking anything will help anymore. ,

Please know that so many of us have been where you are, and we can speak from a place of experience and understanding. Your life is so precious and valuable, you cannot even begin to know the plans in store for you. One of the things that helped me when I was at my absolute lowest was reaching out to help others. Sometimes it was a little of an extra tip for the waitress at the diner, sometimes it was just opening doors for others. Sometimes I went to the local animal shelter and just played with and petted the older cats there (everyone loves the kittens, so these older souls often lose out on contact). Whatever small things you can do to give back, will make you feel lighter and actually does cause release of endorphins. It really does help. You can do this. Keep writing. We care....

Oh that is great. Thanks to God for having comforted and delivered you. We are happy for you.