beyonce
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formerly amywinehouse
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Post by beyonce on Dec 29, 2014 21:17:29 GMT -8
i'm depressed even though i'm on depression medication. my dad asks me if i'm depressed, i tell him no. then i come down stairs and he picks on me for sleeping all day-- "i think you should make more time to sleep..." i don't answer him, "don't you think?" now i have to answer him, and i give him a lifeless 'yeah.'
he forgets my antidepressants and says "i was hoping you'd call and remind me" instead of apologizing and being real about his mistakes. then he asks me if i mailed something important that i needed to mail today (which is on the printer so no doubt he saw that i didn't).
it's so subtle but the put downs and the blame are constant. my therapist said my self doubt was reaffirmed daily and i just could not put my finger on it.
i've called him out on the put downs and he gets really sensitive and says "jeez, i can't say anything, can i?" and then he broods.
i'm so stressed. all the time.
i'm angry, too.
i need to get away from this.
i don't know how to deal with it while i'm living in it though. he'll sense something is up and get angry at me sooner or later.
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beyonce
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formerly amywinehouse
Posts: 28
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Post by beyonce on Dec 30, 2014 3:08:41 GMT -8
whenever my dad is home i feel so much pain and such an immense loathing for myself. i feel it just thinking about him.
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 30, 2014 10:14:59 GMT -8
whenever my dad is home i feel so much pain and such an immense loathing for myself. i feel it just thinking about him. I am sorry about that...Why do you think so (you are feeling that way) ? And since when did you start feeling that way about him and/or with him? |
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beyonce
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formerly amywinehouse
Posts: 28
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Post by beyonce on Dec 30, 2014 13:00:00 GMT -8
whenever my dad is home i feel so much pain and such an immense loathing for myself. i feel it just thinking about him. I am sorry about that...Why do you think so (you are feeling that way) ? And since when did you start feeling that way about him and/or with him? i started feeling that way when i started realizing he wasn't the great, selfless person i thought he was. i was so focused on my mom's mistakes that i felt like i had to be grateful for whoever bothered to care about me. i feel that way because my dad's always made me out to be some kind of extension of himself. my mistakes are his mistakes. if i do something like swear (which i do often because it's just a self expression thing. there's a lot of emotion in swearing and i have a lot of emotion) he's always compared me to 'normal kids' and how i never do what they do. i feel such an enormous pressure on me when he's around because i feel like he's disappointed in me, or disappointed by my problems. when i had a facebook, he was never concerned with the type of things i was doing on it, or who was talking to me, if i was using it safely etc. he was always like 'don't post anything bad on there, i don't want family members finding out and looking down on me'. like i don't exist to make him look good. he's so concerned with what others think about him. that's probably the reason i have no actual respect for him. so i guess the question is, why am i letting someone who i don't respect or look up to in any way have this kind of power over me? i think he's given me the message for a long time that i can't do it without him, because his own fear drives him to create relationships with others where they are dependent on him, because he gets his self esteem from giving (and then holding it over people's heads to try to gain control over that person). |
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 1, 2015 4:31:03 GMT -8
I understood you and you have the right to feel that way. As much as I am avoiding to talk about my daughter's private life, I would share it here just to encourage you that you are not alone and there is hope...
She used to hate his dad so much. She had nothing but bad words for him. It seems like a hopeless case between the two of them. But as she learned to take care of her needs, develop good habits, and started feeling good, she slowly changed her understanding of her surrounding and seeing things differently. She said though she still does not like her dad's attitude but she likes having a pleasant attitude for herself and so that is what she is going to "wear", uphold and practice.
This is the first time she's spending the holidays with her dad and she is enjoying her time.
Sometimes a relationship just needs to take a break or start from a clean slate.
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beyonce
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formerly amywinehouse
Posts: 28
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Post by beyonce on Jan 3, 2015 6:35:45 GMT -8
I understood you and you have the right to feel that way. As much as I am avoiding to talk about my daughter's private life, I would share it here just to encourage you that you are not alone and there is hope... She used to hate his dad so much. She had nothing but bad words for him. It seems like a hopeless case between the two of them. But as she learned to take care of her needs, develop good habits, and started feeling good, she slowly changed her understanding of her surrounding and seeing things differently. She said though she still does not like her dad's attitude but she likes having a pleasant attitude for herself and so that is what she is going to "wear", uphold and practice. This is the first time she's spending the holidays with her dad and she is enjoying her time. Sometimes a relationship just needs to take a break or start from a clean slate. you are so absolutely right. i just have such a difficult time getting myself to do things that are good for me. like i get on this kick where i'm doing it, i feel like i'm taking care of myself and i fall down again, over and over again and i keep having to rebuild again, just to be able to take care of myself in the most basic way. i don't know what's wrong with me. i'll figure it out, i just need to write out my frustration where someone might look at it and relate. |
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 5, 2015 8:28:44 GMT -8
Hi beyonce, keep trying. Keep getting up again. You are getting there. But it is just that it is a process that takes a lot of patience, perseverance, and determination. Focus on the rewards. Each step is worth taking, because it makes you a step closer to your dream or goals. Speaking of goals, do you want to share here a specific example? So, perhaps, we can figure it out together? |
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beyonce
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formerly amywinehouse
Posts: 28
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Post by beyonce on Jan 7, 2015 13:57:56 GMT -8
Hi beyonce, keep trying. Keep getting up again. You are getting there. But it is just that it is a process that takes a lot of patience, perseverance, and determination. Focus on the rewards. Each step is worth taking, because it makes you a step closer to your dream or goals. Speaking of goals, do you want to share here a specific example? So, perhaps, we can figure it out together? i'd like to. i'm trying really hard. i just feel so depressed and out of control and i fear for my life every day. my goals right now are to lose weight (i've lost around 63 lbs but i've been binge eating (i think i may have binge eating disorder, before i lost weight i binged all the time, then restricted to 1200 calories and then i lost control and i haven't been completely in control since. i get really anxious around food because i'm afraid of gaining weight because i feel so miserable when i'm fat. i also spent my whole life thinking i'd only be valued if i were thin (due to bullying about my weight which started when i was about 4 or 5 and lasted until i started staying home all the time (and when i leave the house i obsess over how fat i look, even still having lost so much weight (actually i obsess over how fat i look anyway), which is something that still pervades my thoughts. other than that i'd really like to be healthy and feel good, but the thought that my life will be easier and better if i'm thin is still stuck in my head.) and get my GED (any type of schooling i've ever tried (even when i was a kid) i've failed because of mental instability and fear of judgement. i get depressed really easily, i can't make it to school and then i fall off the wagon and feel incredibly guilty and bad about it and it makes it so much harder to start again. this has been a pattern my whole life) it's so hard to reach goals for me because i lose motivation very quickly, especially if it's not something i want to do but have to. when i have to do something it feel absolutely excruciating and it's so hard to make myself do it, i don't know what's wrong with me. whatever i do, i have to do it around my emotions because i feel like i can't push myself. everything i do, i enter with such fear. i don't know, that's what's on my mind right now. it seems like the only thing i'm really good at it laying in bed and watching youtube. |
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 8, 2015 2:33:45 GMT -8
beyonce, you are not alone. I gave a seminar before about body image and its connection to eating disorder, etc. And how our self-image is greatly influenced by our environments, including "bullying". (In fact, while I was still a student I suffered from all kinds of issues myself. Little did I know they would become my stepping stones to whatever success I have right now. You can read a bit of it in "My Self-Esteem Story".) This is your situation... You don't feel loved nor valued and so you don't have enough motivation to continue with whatever goals you have made and started with. You feel it is not worth it. So you need to be born again; to redefine who you are without those fears, lies, accusations, bullying, etc. We will not let society, environment, family, other uncaring people define you anymore. Your value is not with them but your inner being. For now, try to take control of your mind. Think of things that matter to you, that have nothing to do with fatness or thinness. Stop measuring your self-worth through outside influence. So can you make a list of "who you are as a person" without those external factors/"voices"? If I may ask, what do you usually watch on youtube?
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beyonce
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formerly amywinehouse
Posts: 28
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Post by beyonce on Jan 8, 2015 15:26:56 GMT -8
For now, try to take control of your mind. Think of things that matter to you, that have nothing to do with fatness or thinness. Stop measuring your self-worth through outside influence. So can you make a list of "who you are as a person" without those external factors/"voices"? If I may ask, what do you usually watch on youtube? okay, i've been thinking about this all day and i think that i'm caring, creative, smart, funny, thoughtful, and genuine i usually watch comedians or dr phil |
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 10, 2015 4:14:43 GMT -8
beyonce, you see you have a beautiful personality and are selecting good stuff to watch. Have you tried using your strong traits to your advantage? Do you have a friend, relative, you can ask to support you and/or partner with you in achieving your goals?
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beyonce
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formerly amywinehouse
Posts: 28
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Post by beyonce on Jan 10, 2015 14:27:03 GMT -8
beyonce, you see you have a beautiful personality and are selecting good stuff to watch. Have you tried using your strong traits to your advantage? Do you have a friend, relative, you can ask to support you and/or partner with you in achieving your goals? my sister, but she's gone and she's moving like 3,000 miles away for two years, other than that i have my therapist. |
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 11, 2015 16:45:27 GMT -8
beyonce, so how is it going with your therapist? Have you discussed with him/her all these things? What are your top 3 goals now?
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beyonce
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formerly amywinehouse
Posts: 28
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Post by beyonce on Jan 12, 2015 21:02:02 GMT -8
yeah i've been discussing these things for a while. i just needed more support outside of therapy. i come back from therapy feeling really good and then i go back to using poor coping mechanisms to deal with the situation around me. i think this forum is just what i needed to stay upright during the rest of the week.
not sure what my goals are. i'm finding interest in computer repair/programming so i might look into that further.
i tend to immerse myself in one thing for a couple days and then lose interest and either go back to depression or find something else that catches my eye so i guess one of my goals is to balance out my interest. do everything here and there so i'm not on this cycle of losing interest all the time.
another goal i've had (this is the big one) is to get a job. leaving the house is always kind of scary for me so this has been a big one.
the big big goal is to earn enough money to live on my own.
but to get there i have to learn how to like myself and live with myself because otherwise i'm debilitated.
so that one is first and foremost.
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beyonce
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formerly amywinehouse
Posts: 28
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Post by beyonce on Jan 12, 2015 21:04:15 GMT -8
to be honest, i've been trying to notice little things that make me happy throughout the day and making note of them and being grateful for them (like my cat sleeping on the foot of my bed, or being able to make myself a healthy meal) and it's helped a lot.
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Post by rwatson on Jan 27, 2015 17:35:40 GMT -8
hi beyonce, i read your story. i suggest you should do things that will make you happy even it is just a small things. just make sure that it will not harm you.
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