Post by christovee on Jan 2, 2015 0:22:57 GMT -8
Despite going to bed last night in a good place, this morning I work up with a difficult head around why someone hadn't texted me. After laying in bed agonising for ten minutes I remembered something someone said in an OA meeting "Ruminating isn't a tool of recovery", so reached for my journal and started a step ten. I kinda knew how it would go before I started but it still really helps to write this stuff down. Essentially I was putting my esteem in whether someone else texted me or not. And it wasn't limited to text messages, all the pain I have been feeling this week has been around handing over esteem for someone to look after and then being in a state of panic over whether they would take care of it or not.
Self esteem is something I have worked really hard on over the years, I have gone from a place of a rock bottom to being in a much healthier place. I am aware of my values and I stick to them, I take care of myself, I celebrate my achievements and give myself a break when I mess up, I help other people without giving too much of myself away, I've learnt how to say no but also be compassionate at the same time. I genuinely like the person I am.
And then someone shows an interest in me and I immediately hand over all responsibility for how I feel about myself to them. Erm..what??!
If I had a pet dog which I loved and valued and taken years to take care of it, train it and was really proud of it, would I give it away to the first person who said a nice thing about it and say "Here you look after it". Hell no! If I did do that would I likely to be a uncomfortable about whether they could look after it as well I could? Of course!
So why do I do that with self esteem?
So the last few days has really been an act of taking back responsibility of looking after myself and not giving that away to someone else and I do feel better. I feel less nervous and the pressure that "they must love me" has released. I'm under no illusion they I have found a golden bullet but the ratio of time of feeling okay to feeling not okay is definitely drifting towards the former.
Self esteem is something I have worked really hard on over the years, I have gone from a place of a rock bottom to being in a much healthier place. I am aware of my values and I stick to them, I take care of myself, I celebrate my achievements and give myself a break when I mess up, I help other people without giving too much of myself away, I've learnt how to say no but also be compassionate at the same time. I genuinely like the person I am.
And then someone shows an interest in me and I immediately hand over all responsibility for how I feel about myself to them. Erm..what??!
If I had a pet dog which I loved and valued and taken years to take care of it, train it and was really proud of it, would I give it away to the first person who said a nice thing about it and say "Here you look after it". Hell no! If I did do that would I likely to be a uncomfortable about whether they could look after it as well I could? Of course!
So why do I do that with self esteem?
So the last few days has really been an act of taking back responsibility of looking after myself and not giving that away to someone else and I do feel better. I feel less nervous and the pressure that "they must love me" has released. I'm under no illusion they I have found a golden bullet but the ratio of time of feeling okay to feeling not okay is definitely drifting towards the former.