What Are Your "Healthy Replacements"?

Healthy replacements include --

Listening to Catholic radio or NPR (instead of triggering music)

Spending quality time with family and friends

Replacing ruminating, obsessive thoughts with prayers or a quick "Holy Trinity, I trust in Thee" when I feel obsessive thoughts brewing.

Helping my disabled brother get to church, take him grocery shopping, or visiting with him -- that beats, hands down, spending time with any POA !!

HaveFaith

- instead off smoking choose to drink more water, instead off feeling sorry for myself rather go for walk when am on my own, - instead off running from my feelings , stay with them. - instead off contacting poa , talk to him on my own ( loooll crazy) , - Cook home meals instead off McDonalds, - reading about addictions instead off slipping , back to poa, instead off isolating taking with my family, friends . If not up to talk just stay on my own . Change old job to better more stable opportunity.

I would like to know, how to live without sex? my psychotherapist told me every human needs a good sex... ? .. The best was with poa..

From Susan. Your therapist is wrong. She is generalizing. Celibacy is a successful and fulfilling way of life. Our sexual desire is located somewhere in the brain not the genitals and everyone's brain is different. Some people have a sexual appetite and some people don't. Sometimes sex is painful. Incest survivors are sometimes triggered by sex and don't enjoy it. To each his own. I loved my 16 years of celibacy and sometime wish I were not married.

As much as I don't want to talk about sex, especially at this point I am just newly rescued by my HP from a near-death experience after doing sexual stuff...


It is important to share some important facts:


Sex is not a necessity and it is not true that sex is necessarily beneficial for us. There are many who have good sex but their health is actually in poor condition. Whereas, I know many who are engaging in healthy, active lifestyle while maintaining sexual purity who are in great or excellent (like mine) condition.


So keeping a close contact with HP, engaging in a healthy lifestyle, while avoiding toxic person, place, & stuff help a lot. I was able to stay sexually pure for about 11 months and only seldom have slipped lately. So it is already a big progress for me.


Sex has its purpose but your values and long-term compatibility matter more.

You can certainly live without sex, however, if you are a sexual person, eventually you will need it in your life. The trick is in understanding that sex is not the be all and end all of your life or your relationship. It's only PART of it. The other trick is to be able to live contently without it--not forever--but just until it presents itself in a healthy partner. For a love addict, when the first opportunity for sex and love present itself, we tend to want immediate gratification. We are so hungry and so ravenous for love and sex that we throw all caution to the wind, say goodbye to our logical brain and dive into a relationship with our emotions and hope for the best. This is why recovery is essential. It helps to feed us so that we are not starving. So that we do not dive into a shallow pool. So that, even while dating, we still think with our heads and are able to DEFER GRATIFICATION for a bigger picture. We are no longer starving for love and sex and can postpone it. Our goal instead is to protect our hearts and remain true to our personal values. When our focus becomes those things, it is easy to put off sex a little while longer. Sex is no longer the main goal, protecting our heart and maintaining our values is. Sex then becomes "icing on the cake" so to speak, as part of a good, healthy relationship. It does not become the ENTIRE reason for being alive.

Bottom line: what are your values? Have you written them out yet? Once you do, you will have a clearer picture of who you want to be.

There I created a list off my values : 1. Rude people , avoid and don't worry about staying out off any relationships with rude people; 2. People who think knows me well advising, I can listen to them but don't buy their opinion rather, think and make decision based on my values ; 3. Don't stay in relationship with ppl who embarrass me in public , talk instead off me. 4. People who criticise me ( avoid); 5. People who share my problems with others ( clearly business conversations ); 6. Do not accept relationship from someone who : a) smokes b) heavily drinks c) put his friends first d) swear e) lie f) cheat g) don't look after himself h ) lazy I) don't respect me and treat my kids bad j)person who abuses me mentally , physically and same to kids k) person who don't want commitment , avoidance l) person who is to jealous and won't give me space m) person who don't like physical affection @ sex n) gambler o ) person who had any criminal activity that's loads I don't think such person exists ?

Great thread everyone. I like the whole "healthy replacement" idea. I've got a ban on my own critical thinking and I replace the time I spent doing that with thinking about recovery and my HP. I'm with LJ on the above, that we need to have lists of the positive attributes we are looking for in a partner, as well as the things we know we are going to avoid for the rest of our lives. It's the first thing we are aware of coming out of an unhealthy relationship, all the painful things that happen, the ways they let us down. Next step is to start thinking about the things we enjoy and value in people and in life, and then to start giving them to ourselves by way of friendships and our own behaviour, instead of waiting. Then when we date people we are getting used to the traits we like and recognise them (or the lack of them) quickly.

Ha ha, yes. It's clear, isn't it!? No more indulging in that! I wonder what it would be like to not think anything negative??? The way this ban works in me is I notice that I'm doing it, driving in the car, mulling over something my landlord said or did and kind of hating her. It's like how I thought about my mother. As soon as i see I'm doing it, that's it, change the subject. I think about what I'm doing to be a better person, or what I can do. No being critical of her or myself. Neither of us can help it. And I don't hang around her to collect more material!

Codep, it sounds like it could be a wonderful journey trying to find out, and if you remain open to all people (healthy ones at least), how exciting. That you are attracted to both men and women is not odd or unhealthy either. The only trouble is when sexual behavior (deviant or vanilla!) starts to interfere with your responsibilities, your happiness, your values. It becomes a problem when you use sex as a tool to "numb" (not just on occasion, but ALL THE TIME). Sex between two consenting adults is normal and healthy. It is BALANCE we all need to seek. And yes, you may simply be a very sexual person. That's OK. Embrace it. And if it helps, read The Color Purple by Alice Walker. There's a part in the book where Celie (the main character) is talking to her friend SHug (a very sexualized "bad" girl who gave up her family to live her life on the road). In this scenario, Shug is trying to teach Celie about God. It may also help to know if English is not your first language, or if you don't know the context of this novel, that it is set in America in the 1950's, post slavery days, and the characters are African American...


“Here's the thing, say Shug. The thing I believe. God is inside you and inside everybody else. You come into the world with God. But only them that search for it inside find it. And sometimes it just manifest itself even if you not looking, or don't know what you looking for. Trouble do it for most folks, I think. Sorrow, lord. Feeling like nuts.

It? I ast.

Yeah, It. God ain't a he or a she, but a It.

But what do it look like? I ast.

Don't look like nothing, she say. It ain't a picture show. It ain't something you can look at apart from anything else, including yourself. I believe God is everything, say Shug. Everything that is or ever was or ever will be. And when you can feel that, and be happy to feel that, you've found It.

Shug a beautiful something, let me tell you. She frown a little, look out cross the yard, lean back in her chair, look like a big rose. She say, My first step from the old white man was trees. Then air. Then birds. Then other people. But one day when I was sitting quiet and feeling like a motherless child, which I was, it come to me: that feeling of being part of everything, not separate
at all. I knew that if I cut a tree, my arm would bleed. And I laughed and I cried and I run all around the house. I knew just what it was. In fact, when it happen, you can't miss it. It sort of like you know what, she say, grinning and rubbing high up on my thigh.

Shug! I say.

Oh, she say. God love all them feelings. That's some of the best stuff God did. And when you know God loves 'em you enjoys 'em a lot more. You can just relax, go with everything that's going, and praise God by liking what you like.

God don't think it dirty? I ast.

Naw, she say. God made it. Listen, God love everything you love? and a mess of stuff you don't. But more than anything else, God love admiration.

You saying God vain? I ast.

Naw, she say. Not vain, just wanting to share a good thing. I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it.

What it do when it angry off? I ast.

Oh, it make something else. People think pleasing God is all God care about. But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back.

Yeah? I say.

Yeah, she say. It always making little surprises and springing them on us when us least expect.

You mean it want to be loved, just like the bible say.

Yes, Celie, she say. Everything want to be loved. Us sing and dance, make faces and give flower bouquets, trying to be loved. You ever notice that trees do everything to git attention we do, except walk?

Well, us talk and talk bout God, but I'm still adrift. Trying to chase that old white man out of my head. I been so busy thinking bout him I never truly notice nothing God make. Not a blade of corn (how it do that?) not the color purple (where it come from?). Not the little wildflowers. Nothing. Now that my eyes opening, I feels like a fool. Next to any little scrub of a bush in my yard, Mr. ____s toxic sort of shrink. But not altogether. Still, it is like Shug say, You have to git man off your eyeball, before you can see anything a'tall.

Man corrupt everything, say Shug. He on your box of grits, in your head, and all over the radio. He try to make you think he everywhere.

Soon as you think he everywhere, you think he God. But he ain't. Whenever you trying to pray, and man plop himself on the other end of it, tell him to git lost, say Shug. Conjure up flowers, wind,water, a big rock.

But this hard work, let me tell you. He been there so long, he don't want to budge. He threaten lightening, floods and earthquakes. Us fight. I hardly pray at all. Every time I conjure up a rock, I throw it.

Amen”


― Alice Walker, The Color Purple

LovelyJune. Wow, you are absolutely right! I took a 6 months study on this subject alone and just as you have said that there is no gay, bisexual, or straight identification in the truest sense. But I only used layman's term here for easier understanding. That is why in my other posts, I put apostrophe with the word, 'straight'.


Also, I would like to mention here that my respect for so-called "LGTB" community is no different from religious community. My question is just for me. Not a representation of any group.


I am a very disciplined and healthy person. For the past 14 years or so my sexuality, is under control. Even before when I was "wild" or "sexual person", it did not take up so much of my time. Since for me, it only takes as little as 5 minutes to have it done each time. The most I have done was with my ex-husband. And I believe attraction is healthy as long as it is within my values. It is quite obvious that I don't numb my feelings nor do I have self-hate, etc. I am more than happy and grateful for who I am and I am outspoken and expressive that even children around me could observe it.


English is my first language and two of my exes were African-Americans. I love all colors and cultures from every nation. That is why I have friends everywhere.


That book seems interesting. Thanks for sharing and quoting it. However, when it comes to God I believe in, the only book that I know as authorized as his, is the Bible. So I get my source mainly from there. Because there are authors who just created their own gods with their own creative imaginations. And I don't read fiction.


I haven't tried dating anyone from within Christian community. So maybe I will try it when the right time comes. But right now my work is very demanding. I work in the office a minimum of 10 hours a day.


Thank you very much for your suggestions, LovelyJune, I am taking note of them. As much as I would like to continue openly discussing this matter with you, I'd rather not. For the sake of a member who might have misunderstood that this is just my own personal conviction. Nothing to do with a specific group. I am too busy to join a community now. And my friends are mostly non-Christians, some in a same-sex relationship and yet I have loved and accepted them 100%.


How is your cafe business going?

Dear Adorable ~w~,


Thank you so much for being such a sweetheart! You are one of a kind. Stay happy!