Post by miscreant1 on Jan 13, 2015 20:17:55 GMT -8
I made the decision to be more "active" in my recovery so I began talking more and more to a therapist, and I come on here for discussions and to read somethings.
I am still not sure where I am in this process...
But I decided to let my boyfriend in on it. I didn't want to hide the fact that I am in recovery for this from him...even though it is a little embarrassing for me to admit to.
Boyfriend: But aren't you like scared of love...or something like that?
Me: WHAT?! No...are you kidding me???
It's all I've ever wanted...
In my life it's kind of like that ring in the lord of the rings...
It's all I've ever wanted to I chase it relentlessly but when I have it or I feel close...
I go crazy...Like literally I feel insane.
And then it must be destroyed.
It's a painful/ annoying cycle that I can't seem to break out of.
I've had periods of time when I've felt like being in a relationship is a waste of time and trying to love others is a waste of time...
And yet, I can't seem to stay alone.
The longest I've ever been single is 6 months...And I think i was spending most of my time playing the role of "the other woman"
Because I felt like I didn't deserve anything of my own.
In a two week span I can go from "eff love, I don't need anyone" to crying about being unlovable and a failure in love in relationships.
I don't know why but being in a relationship/having love seems to be the most important thing to me
But then for some reason once I have it...after a while I have to destroy it. In the past I would commit acts of infidelity. These days my relationships get destroyed for other reasons...Like I feel like I can't trust myself to not mess it up. So I end up pushing the other person away until they're gone...
but once they are...
I look to fill that void.
I know there is a deeper issue here...but I can't figure it out.
I don't know if i have an unrealistic exception of what love should be and if it doesn't look that way I need it to leave...or what it is...but it's literally a viscous cycle that I can't seem to stop.
I am still not sure where I am in this process...
But I decided to let my boyfriend in on it. I didn't want to hide the fact that I am in recovery for this from him...even though it is a little embarrassing for me to admit to.
Boyfriend: But aren't you like scared of love...or something like that?
Me: WHAT?! No...are you kidding me???
It's all I've ever wanted...
In my life it's kind of like that ring in the lord of the rings...
It's all I've ever wanted to I chase it relentlessly but when I have it or I feel close...
I go crazy...Like literally I feel insane.
And then it must be destroyed.
It's a painful/ annoying cycle that I can't seem to break out of.
I've had periods of time when I've felt like being in a relationship is a waste of time and trying to love others is a waste of time...
And yet, I can't seem to stay alone.
The longest I've ever been single is 6 months...And I think i was spending most of my time playing the role of "the other woman"
Because I felt like I didn't deserve anything of my own.
In a two week span I can go from "eff love, I don't need anyone" to crying about being unlovable and a failure in love in relationships.
I don't know why but being in a relationship/having love seems to be the most important thing to me
But then for some reason once I have it...after a while I have to destroy it. In the past I would commit acts of infidelity. These days my relationships get destroyed for other reasons...Like I feel like I can't trust myself to not mess it up. So I end up pushing the other person away until they're gone...
but once they are...
I look to fill that void.
I know there is a deeper issue here...but I can't figure it out.
I don't know if i have an unrealistic exception of what love should be and if it doesn't look that way I need it to leave...or what it is...but it's literally a viscous cycle that I can't seem to stop.
