So there’s someone new in my life since a few weeks now. On days like this, when I haven’t heard from him for a couple of days, I feel my mind slipping into some negative thoughts. There hasn’t been any signs of him losing interested, but I notice myself starting to do something I’ve done before: I want to see him, but I don’t go to him, instead I sit back and watch if HE’s going to come to me, and then when he doesn’t it’s CLEAR to me that he doesn’t like me that much and I start deciding bitterly in my head that I will just quit the thing. ...Gosh, it’s been just a few days, and anyway, it sort of might be my turn to go to him. I postpone contacting him myself out of shyness. It’s easier to put the blame on him for not coming to me, although I should meet him half way instead of becoming passive.
Well the thought pattern isn’t new to me and I know better than to just buy it this time and let it take control. But if anyone has any advice or calming thoughts for me to meditate on, would be highly appreciated .
Post by LovelyJune on Jan 14, 2015 16:51:40 GMT -8
Run out right now and go by the book "He's Just Not that Into You." It sounds like a complete downer and I am NOT saying that this man is or isn't into you, but this book helped me immensely figure out this exact kind of behavior. And no...the ball doesn't have to be in your court. When a guy is really interested he pursues you. This was a very hard thing for me to accept. I wanted to be all women's lib and all. But a big part of what changed my mind about pursuing men, is that if I took the lead I usually got stuck with a passive man. I didn't like that.
My only advice is what you already know, with a little tweak... LIVE YOUR LIFE LIKE HE DOESN"T EVEN EXIST, so, when he calls, it's a pleasant surprise. It's not the end all and be all of your existence. This is the secret to happiness.
Thank you Lovely June for your insight. I suppose you're right. Right now it's more important to me to find out if he's really interested than to be "equal" in that sense. I suppose the time to meet him half way can come later, when the situation's more clear. That's a liberating thought.
Post by LovelyJune on Jan 16, 2015 17:11:53 GMT -8
Ask yourself why it's so important to you to know if he's interested or not. So what? Men who are interested will make it perfectly clear. And how does it impact your life if he's into you or he isn't? Do you see where I am going with this? You have to put his interest of you on the back burner and focus on your life. When you do that, you will have your answer. If you overanalyze his every move, you will end up obsessing and in deep confusion.
Last Edit: Jan 17, 2015 3:53:37 GMT -8 by LovelyJune
I wanted to be all women's lib and all. But a big part of what changed my mind about pursuing men, is that if I took the lead I usually got stuck with a passive man. I didn't like that.
Exactly. I absolutely agree...In addition, real men with dignity get usually turned-off by women who initiate and can't wait for them to act. It only shows desperation. Men are attracted to confident, classy women who got a life and enjoying it.
[My comment is directed to every woman in the house (here), and not necessarily for Louise.]
Your recovery is worth the pain of your withdrawal. Remember that "the pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow." Fantasy-based relationship is a lie. Face your reality and stay well!Kind Regards to all LAA members here, - Codepnomore
Thank you for your helpful thoughts. I had a couple of difficult weeks dealing with this. Like so many times before, without really seeing it myself, I slipped a bit too far to the negative side. I considered just forgetting this guy, cause I'm so through with dating men who only like me a little bit. But then when he did come around again, I realized I was overreacting. I guess my problem is a lot about black and white thinking. It's nearly impossible to get to a state, where I live like he doesn't exist, but it would still be a positive surprise to hear from him. I tend to talk myself into a negative pit, where I can only think the romance is over. And if I get that far, then it's hardly a positive surprise to hear from the guy, then I just have resentment towards him, and hey, that's a definite turn on for anyone... But I've learned to monitor myself a bit better, and so I was able to keep in mind that the feelings will pass, and tried to remember to forget about the analyzing. Anyway, things are looking good. I don't have doubts about him liking me anymore, he has made it clear. He has a full life, that's all. Things feel mostly surprisingly uncomplicated, now that that's clear. Sadly I don't think it will last in the end, just because of some plain physical things, meaning for instance that the relationship will turn into a long distance thing in a month or so. But I'm fairly calm about that. I guess also because I know he likes me, I dont think I will feel resentment when/if it ends. Sometimes the building blocks just don't match and it isn't anyones fault. I think I have at least partialy managed to learn a more pragmatical approach to relationships, opposed to the overly romantic "I will miss him forever" -kind of stuff from before. For now I try to just enjoy him and that not meaning that I try to live as if it was my last day on earth, I still don't see him every day. He still has also other interests and I try to focus on my other interests too.