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Post by moonlitvein on Jan 21, 2015 0:05:02 GMT -8
I am a angry woman. I have kept my anger pent up. It boiled and boiled. The bubbles & the steam forced it out in many ways since the last two years or so.
Angry outbursts in office for the first time in ten years of professional life. Angry outbursts taking advantage of patient friends & baffled family members. Angry outburst on my poor phone! Its screen suddenly changed itself into a splitting Gothic theme after mercilessly hitting the wall . Silent angry outburst on magazines, books, delicate hair clips (which immediately had to be discarded), cushions, pillows, smaller pieces of furniture!
For the last couple of months the "mature" adult inside me keeps trying to rationalize rejection from my PoA, forcing me to keep feelings of resentment and anger at bay. Logically speaking: Yes! the man has every right to not respond to my move, he must be having his own good reasons, this does not have to be about me being any less as an individual or a woman. So keeping all this in mind: Fine! he has not responded. If I have actually liked him, respected him for certain reasons, I should wish him good. Let me wish the best for him from the bottom of my heart. He might be with another woman. So okay! They are perhaps very happy together, they must be very compatible. Let me silently wish they'll be happy.
In short let me try to exercise my empathy & compassion.
Successful for a time period. But so difficult to do. And I shift back to my angry mode. My heart and my head feels and mouths all the negative thoughts about him. It felt good to say it. "What the hell is his problem? He is actually not intelligent enough to respond back and say enlightening things. He must be worthless in many ways. He is not in control of things and is scared nuts. He is a scared piece of s**t! He is insecure..."
This is not all. Whenever I have to do some important work in terms of family duty the bubbles boil again. Why do I have to do it! Why can't someone else handle it? And I keep churning the wheel of anger towards the person who has asked me for help.
Yesterday was such a day. I had to go out & do something for a family member. Was feeling my tinge of resentment since the weekend. But I of course went out & handled the work by myself & helped.
And then the oddest thing happened. I came back home & realized that my anger had subsided, not only towards my family member but also towards my PoA. After finishing the work I no longer felt the intensity of anger towards my PoA the way I felt it early morning. I felt light & free.
It just hit me like a bolt of lightning. I am not ACTUALLY as angry with any external agent as much as I am angry with my own self. Angry with myself for not being able to do, to execute so many things I actually want to do, angry for being scared, angry for not facing or procrastinating in facing my fear, angry for knowing about the flight/fight response & yet taking flight so many times.
To cut a long story short I am projecting my anger onto others who are actually not responsible for my anger at all. What the hell! But I guess I needed to let out the long story.
Thanks to bolt of lightnings in life. They are not always meant to be disastrous. Many a times they make us reflect & realize
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Post by James C T on Jan 21, 2015 9:53:05 GMT -8
If you find ways to stand up for yourself and express your feelings at the time provocative incidents happen, then they don't build to explosions. This has been easier said than done for me, but I am finding that the more small level cranky I am the less indiscriminately explosive I am.
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Post by daisymae on Jan 22, 2015 7:27:42 GMT -8
moonlitvein:
You are NOT alone. I too have SO much anger, and much of it as at myself. But, my therapist told me this week, to be KIND to myself. (Be kind to that 10 year old little girl who had NO power.) That little girl needs love and acceptance. YOU - moonlitvein - need love and acceptance. Love and acceptance will bring healing so that we CAN have the strength to make right decisions and healthy decisions for US. We need to love ourselves as God (our higher power) loves us.
Hang in there my friend. I am following you and relate to your anger, pain and struggles. We are all in this together. Be encouraged today. One minute, hour and day at a time.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 22, 2015 9:45:37 GMT -8
This is me. This is my biggest struggle. I was told by Susan Anderson that this is my "Outer Child" who was created to protect the fragile inner child. Her book has a chapter about anger that blows my mind. Check it out. www.brightertomorrow.net/OUTER%20CHILD%20ARTICLE.pdf
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Post by daisymae on Jan 22, 2015 10:08:45 GMT -8
I printed out this chapter and started reading it! Spot on and excellent! Thank you!
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Post by ~w~ on Jan 22, 2015 12:47:46 GMT -8
This is me as well angry and miserable:(
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Post by moonlitvein on Jan 22, 2015 23:23:34 GMT -8
This is me. This is my biggest struggle. I was told by Susan Anderson that this is my "Outer Child" who was created to protect the fragile inner child. Her book has a chapter about anger that blows my mind. Check it out. www.brightertomorrow.net/OUTER%20CHILD%20ARTICLE.pdfDear Susan, Thanks so much. I just read it and its so true. All of it - especially the outer child being a master procrastinator, avoider & rationalizer. I am all of this & my adult self knows this but doesn't act on it. It got me thinking about unresolved abandonment issue all over again. Thank you
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Post by moonlitvein on Jan 22, 2015 23:27:13 GMT -8
This is me. This is my biggest struggle. I was told by Susan Anderson that this is my "Outer Child" who was created to protect the fragile inner child. Her book has a chapter about anger that blows my mind. Check it out. www.brightertomorrow.net/OUTER%20CHILD%20ARTICLE.pdfAlso I feel fragile (insecure & scared of the world thinking that it is out there to harm me), that's why my defences go up most of the time these days. What's the first step you took to handle this fragile inner child and push away the outer child?
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Post by moonlitvein on Jan 22, 2015 23:30:56 GMT -8
I printed out this chapter and started reading it! Spot on and excellent! Thank you! Exactly! - spot on is the right word daisymae. I think what I want to do is make specific list of how my Outer child works out preventing the Adult to grow. Its like making a list of how we "Act Out". Susan suggested that making this list helps. Thanks for your warm reply, MV
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Post by moonlitvein on Jan 23, 2015 0:55:20 GMT -8
If you find ways to stand up for yourself and express your feelings at the time provocative incidents happen, then they don't build to explosions. This has been easier said than done for me, but I am finding that the more small level cranky I am the less indiscriminately explosive I am. Yes, I have had difficulty in standing up for myself/ speaking up, especially in front of "authority" figures at the workplace. Or many times I haven't spoken at meetings coz I was afraid I would not say the smart thing. Its very difficult when the PoA is someone from the workplace. Even more difficult if the person is a senior.
Currently I have had NC from my PoA but if work comes up I'm afraid I might have to pent up my anger again & focus on the work. I have faced it before. It can scar you. If I may ask, how are you handling your PoA at your project currently? Does it result in anger or repression at any particular time of the day? My anger is at its height for the first two to three hrs in the morning.
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Post by moonlitvein on Jan 23, 2015 1:22:48 GMT -8
This is me as well angry and miserable:( Hi Waterlili,
I know, anger actually can make either the whole day or the useful hrs in the morning unproductive. It makes me totally miserable too. As I told James in the earlier post that my anger is at its height in the morning.
This is what my head spewed out because of anger today morning:-
"Why the hell are they not calling me for a good project? When will they do something good? No good work is actually happening there. Why the hell am I bothered about going there at all? It's a completely nonsense and bogus place anyway. It's obvious they don't want me. I don't want to go there either. I'm never going back there ever. I don't really want to work with him. He just sees his own ends. I don't want to keep in touch. Do they bother to keep in touch? She is not bothered about how I am doing in life. I don't want them or anyone else associated with them. Bloody hell. To hell with them. When they had the time they did not call me! Now I'm not going. They expect people will sit around & wait for them! I don't have time for them. People won't be at their beck & call! to hell with him!to hell with them"
The above involves anger with not just the PoA but some other people too. This is like a free writing but when looked at carefully I realise many things are actually projections of my own anger. The way the outer child is projecting the inner child & not letting the adult take control. The result: Bad mood in the morning and unproductive behaviour. But a little later around 11 am I went out with mom to take care of something & instantly the anger subsided. Same way as I've described in my 1st post in this thread.
So basically it keeps coming back & I've to handle it daily.
Freewriting helps. Thanks to all of you in this board I did it after a long time: MV
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Post by James C T on Jan 23, 2015 6:45:37 GMT -8
If I may ask, how are you handling your PoA at your project currently? Does it result in anger or repression at any particular time of the day? My anger is at its height for the first two to three hrs in the morning. My situation is different. My PoA and I do not have any sort of actual relationship (other than as colleagues and friends). She is a PoA on the basis of fantasy projections. I was "falling in love" with her because I have a compulsion to romantically obsess on someone in order to get my hit of the "I'm in love" drug. I'm not angry with her because she wasn't the one doing this. I did this to myself. That said, my Higher Power handled it in a very clever way. Right now I'm too busy at work to build a pseudo-love relationship with anyone. Funny how that goes.
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Post by moonlitvein on Jan 23, 2015 7:00:23 GMT -8
I think this is the hardest thing to accept and say, that "I did this to myself." I have tremendous respect for people who have this ability.
Actually my situation is kind of same. Though my PoA has been friendly & nice, he is a PoA on the basis of my fantasy (the relationship is in my head). There's been no actual relationship at all.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 24, 2015 12:45:12 GMT -8
I could not say "I did this to myself" until I did a fourth-step inventory in AA. Suddenly I realized my part in things. No it was not my fault that my husband hit me. But I chose to stay rather than getting some help with my addiction to this guy. Thoughts about our part in things: too much? too little? just right. . . Taking the blame for everything is a symptom of codependency. Blaming others to feed our self-pity is a symptom of codependency. As a child I was a victim. So when I grew up this is how I saw myself. As Dr Phil says, this was my life script. As a result, I felt sorry for myself which was a poor substitute for self-esteem. Eventually I became addicted to self=pity and put myself in situations where I could feel sorry for myself to get a fix. So I do not want to go too far with owning everything so I can feel like a martyr. This is another false sense of self-esteem typical of codependents.
Moderation in all things. Today I practice "appropriate responsibility." Not too much and not too little. If I really went too far and made a huge mistake, I accept responsibility, but then I follow up with self-forgiveness rather than let the guilt turn to shame [toxic guilt].
Article about self-esteem
cmhc.utexas.edu/selfesteem.html
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Post by rwatson on Jan 27, 2015 18:00:23 GMT -8
hi susan thanks for sharing that quotes. it inspires me.
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Post by moonlitvein on Apr 2, 2015 2:49:01 GMT -8
My anger & victim mentality is coming to the forefront once again.
We went out for a family get together dinner a couple of days back & my uncle, who asks me endlessly about my job, never really understanding what it is that I exactly do, asked me yet again & called me jobless in front of everyone in the sitting room. I calmly countered him saying with a smile "Oh thank you so much for boosting my morale & calling me jobless! How do you know that I am not looking for a job?" He softly said: "So tell me that" I've told him so many times actually! I said "Don't worry. I am handling my situation." Later on, I felt so bad I called him to the next room & hugged him saying sorry. He replied saying warmly; don't worry of course you'll get a job. .................................................................................................................
Today afternoon out of the blue I'm having a horrid fantasy of the same situation:
Moonlit is in a small neat sitting room with colourful upholstery & curtains, surrounded by her family. Everyone is in a good,chatty mood. Her elder sister was offering her father (moonlit's old uncle) a piece of cake.The house had the aroma of good home cooked food. It was nearing lunch time. Murmurs about 'what's the birthday menu today' was doing the rounds. Moonlit got up & was about to walk into the bedroom to get her phone, when suddenly her uncle spoke:
Uncle: Are you working at all these days or given everything up?
Moonlit: (moving into the bedroom): Not at the moment.
She comes back to the sitting room & sits down with the phone beside her mother.
Uncle: So what time do you leave for office?
Moonlit: (calmly repeating her earlier statement): At the moment I am not going.
Uncle: (lighting his cigarette): Oh... jobless..
All the other family members around are quiet. They smile uncomfortably trying to make the atmosphere lighter. Her aunt & elder sister move in & out of the kitchen busy with the endless chores of food & cooking.
Moonlit (sarcastic): Uncle... thank you so much for calling me jobless! It boosts my morale so much! Okay tell me something... if you were going through some problems in your career & in a get together like this someone called you jobless in front of the whole family... how would you feel? I am not insulting you... I jus..
At this point Moonlit is interrupted by her hesitant mother.
Mother: M! It is okay... you keep quiet... how are you speaking to uncle!!!
Moonlit's aunt came near the sofa & was sitting down slowly. Her hands were still oily due to cooking.
Moonlit: No! I do not wish to keep quiet & I am not going to be labelled jobless in front of everyone like this just because I am a young person!
Aunt: But what is the big deal... it's true that you don't have a job...you are so qualified but you have no stability in your life. We would like to see you settled!
Moonlit: The big deal is that you are verbally shaming & insulting me in front of everyone. The big deal is that you are not interested in my work but you all just want to know what is the name of my office...& what time I go to office & what time I come back home!...You are not really interested in what I do!
Her uncle just looks on while Moonlit's niece tries to interrupt. There is not much age difference between the two & the latter is married:
Niece: Listen aunt...it's okay just calm down
Moonlit: (shooting an angry glance at her. Now her voice rose.): Shut up!!! I don't speak to vapid girls who believe shopping is the best thing that women do!
Her niece, aghast, shrank back with fear. The whooshing sound of food released in oil trailed into the room from the kitchen.
Niece's mother: Why are you talking to her this way. She hasn't said anything...& uncle is only concerned
Moonlit: Yes he is concerned...the men are always right aren't they?...it is them we turn to...we always go to them!
Niece's mother: What are you talking about?
Moonlit: You don't know! Let me ask you a simple question...when your daughter got married, her new husband was introduced to most family members. No one introduced him to me & my mother... did you bother? Let me ask this? Would you have thought of introducing him if dad was alive. You would have, wouldn't you? But no one bothers when the man of the house is not there...& frankly I DIDN'T like it. All of you can just think that I am having a complex but this is the truth. It is...
Her niece got up & left the room. All Moonlit got from her was a hostile glance.Moonlit's sister was now standing right in the middle of the room. She was still holding the box of home-made cake.
Moonlit's sister: Listen M... it's okay...father just wanted to know about your work situation...
Moonlit didn't let her finish.
Moonlit: And I do far more interesting work which none of you make an effort to understand...do you know what brother is doing now... what he spoke about at today's seminar...it is far more relevant & meaningful than the job that you yourself claim to be so tired of...does anybody bother to ask or really know he is doing?
She stood up.
I am stronger than all of you put together in this room. I am going through depression since September & handling it alone & surviving ...so everyone please back off!!!
Moonlit turned round & picked up her bag and phone from the sofa.
Moonlit: If it's not too much to ask, someone please drop mother home.
She walked to the door & opened the lock. Her sister came up behind her immediately.
Sister: No! No! M... listen
Her uncle was getting up from the sofa & walking slowly towards them
Uncle: I didn't mean to hurt you child ...
Moonlit: Don't make an attempt to stop me now. Right now leave me alone.
She walked out of the door. ..................................................................................................................
I was crying when I had his fantasy an hour back & came here. Thanks to James's second post in this thread I was reminded that I did stand up in my own way that day. So I didn't do anything explosive. Instead I felt, let me write & let it out in a channelised form. My self worth & need for recognition & approval is the core issue here.
Susan is right. Self esteem is a tricky thing. Two days back I was writing to her & LJ about feeling free & my realizations. Today I was back again to zero. But after writing I am OK. I suddenly know that hey! I can write like this!
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Post by paisley on Apr 2, 2015 6:58:34 GMT -8
My family (what's left of it) does not understand my work or what I do. They also minimize my accomplishments and talk "down" to me as if they are an authority on my line of work and they most certainly are not. They also bond with each other over taking jabs at me over my past bad behavior. It used to anger me. Now I see their opinions say more about them than me.
I think your situation is a typical resentment that could be worked out beautifully with steps 4 and 5 if you're doing the 12 steps.
The big thing to explore is how things in other peoples' heads actually affect you. In my case, what my family thinks of my work or abilities or character has zero effect on me. I'm an adult who takes care of herself and I haven't asked for anything since I was around 15 years old. If someone is paying your bills, perhaps they have a legitimate interest in your work situation, otherwise, no.
Another thing is your own self seeking, dishonest or delusional behavior. In my case, I was getting angry over thinking that others must see me clearly in the way I want to be seen. See the good, leave out or ignore the bad, and only refer to me in the best light. That's delusional on my part.
Fact is my siblings know me from a destructive period of my life and they hang on to that because it's comfortable for them to look down on me. I can't control or change that and they'll let go of it in their own good time (or not). I validate their perception of "crazy" me when I react to their jabs with anger. I help them get closer to seeing the new improved me when I react rationally.
In your case, if you believe there's no shame in your temporary joblessness, you own it and respond to the accurate description of being jobless with a simple "yes I am". How family member wish to judge you for this is on them. What's important is how YOU judge you for this.
This has been one of the hardest lessons for me. I can't make anyone use tact or know instinctively when discussing my reality is hurtful for ME to hear because I'm not ok with my reality. Familial support is great to have, but expecting others to just leave out the parts that I don't like is not reasonable on my end.
And in my case it doesn't matter that I now have a great career and actually earn way more than my siblings. They're still going to see me the way they see me and I have no control over the assessments of my life that they share with others. Believe me, I've been appalled at the things they've brought up in mixed company. Personal things that I'd assume anyone would know should stay private. Nope.
The bits of information that make me the most angry are usually the truth. If it was a ridiculous lie, I'd easily laugh it off, but sometimes I can't stand looking at what I've actually done.
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Post by moonlitvein on Apr 2, 2015 9:20:43 GMT -8
Thanks so much for the reply paisley. I know the above is really true & yet I got affected. I am in fact learning that what other people think/say (family/strangers) should not affect me. I am understanding that the minute I do that I fall into the trap of being emotionally victimised by the victimiser. This has been becoming clear since I am reading Dr. Wayne W. Dyer's Pulling Your Own Strings. In fact that's the reason I was calm about my reply the day it actually happened. And I was totally fine for a week or so.
I can't pinpoint what triggered the angry fantasy today. But you are right, I am resentful. I feel that after 11 long yrs of being a career woman & standing by my family so much, if this is what I get just for not having a job for 3 months, I really don't know what to say. But I guess I want respect all the time & that is really immature & low sense of self worth on my part. Everyone will not understand me. Period. My work is to be able to be OK with that.
And ya, my family too understands nothing, absolutely nothing about the work I do, so I get how it is for you. But as you said, the truth is that perhaps I don't like listening to the fact that I am not earning currently. That's a fact. I don't like it. People are probably showing me a mirror.And I have to put it right.
The fantasies will keep recurring though (not this one, I mean generally). I know that, but my task is to take hold of it & channelise it as a tool instead of letting it take over me. That's why I sat down & wrote like this today. Chances are this particular fantasy will not come to plague me more since I have let it out but there will be others to handle. I also have self respect issues which I found out recently.
Thanks for suggesting the steps. I want to do them. But right now I am focusing on self esteem exercises & issues coming up from them. But I do want to do the steps later & have to carve out time after a point.
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Post by moonlitvein on Sept 2, 2015 22:38:37 GMT -8
Feeling angrier than ever this morning. Coupled with disappointments, pessimism and unease. It's the month of September. It's been months of waiting, applications for jobs, some favourable responses & yet actually no job in sight. What is happening? And more importantly I feel like screaming - "Why is this happening to me? I am a good worker." I feel like looking up at the sky, crying & rocking back & forth and asking - "What the hell is your problem? Why am I not getting one single suitable job? Why the hell are you doing this to me?"
I feel even more angry with the people who give me favourable responses & then nothing comes out of it. And all that spews out of me in the morning is my rage at these people - "If you don't have any results don't give me the favourable responses. Why give these positive responses about my abilities & versatility ...blah blah ... blah and then not give me any final positive results? Where's my job m@#$@#***@#@*? Where's my monthly pay cheque ? Where's my office? Where on earth is my belonging? Where on earth do I belong?" I want to go and shout at my ex - bosses.
At this point I don't even care about having a man. Who wants a man anyway? Give me my job back please.
I don't want this resentment & anger any more. I am so spent.I want to let it go. Ultimately it's all within me, of course. It's a** hard - "Handling this adversity well" business. It's going to pass , I know it will. But right now it's hard. This projection of anger because of my failure towards my old workplace is hard. It doesn't want to leave me.
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Post by leahb on Sept 3, 2015 3:33:07 GMT -8
Hi MV, I hear you so loud on this one. I feel the exact same way. I've also applied to countless jobs and not heard back from any of them. Perhaps the universe is trying to teach us something. Whether it be patience, or to look for a job in a different field, or to change our feelings about our last job. I listen to Louise Hay a lot and she says to send love to your old job and be grateful for it and then you can attract a better job to you. I've also wondered why it's been so hard for me to attract a good employment opportunity, but what can you do? other than applying for jobs, I'm writing a law of attraction list for what I want in a career/job which will help me "attract" the right job to me. I am also quite frustrated MV, but we have to keep moving forward. Take good care.
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 3, 2015 4:23:35 GMT -8
I don't want this resentment & anger any more. I am so spent. I want to let it go. Ultimately it's all within me, of course. It's a** hard - "Handling this adversity well" business. It's going to pass , I know it will. But right now it's hard. This projection of anger because of my failure towards my old workplace is hard. It doesn't want to leave me. I feel for you. I dealt with anger for many years. I was always angry. And then one day I wasn't. And when I look back at what might have happened to remove my anger, I noticed two important things: 1. The people (the men) I was most angry with left my life--one died (my father), and the other I divorced. When I didn't have these people in my daily life, my anger triggers were removed. Why they made me angry, though, was part of a bigger personal problem for me. My expectations of people, places and things was off the charts. High, high, high. And these people always disappointed me. Why? Because I depended on them. I needed them to be something they could never be. Which leads me to number two... 2. My expectations of people, places and things changed drastically. At a very basic level, I was angry because I wanted something and was not getting it--attention, money, happiness, friendship, love, respect, validation, etc. When I removed my "want" and my expectation that I was owed things, my anger seemed to dissipate. When I stopped expecting the universe to give me what I though I was due, it alleviated my "hunger" and my belief that, without these things, I was lacking. And yet, in the case of a job, it can be excruciating. We NEED a job to pay the bills, to eat and to survive. And yet, no one owes anybody a job. So, how do you get around this? How do you let go of your expectations? How do you get around your dependence on outside sources for work? My suggestion is, (and this may make you even angrier) stop expecting people to give you a job. No matter how qualified you are, you're not owed anything. And once you accept that, it might mean that you have to think outside the box for a while. It might mean working for yourself until an employer comes along and hires you. It might mean going back to school, or taking certification courses, or working "under" your experience level, just temporarily, until the right position comes up. It means being creative and open to newer ideas about the job market. Perhaps working from home, or online might be something to look into. Or perhaps a change of careers is a viable option. Looking at your situation as a positive "gift" also helps. I know that might sound crazy (No job, a gift???!!!). But, try to figure out what benefit there might be to not being able to find a job at the moment. Your ability to turn perceived negative situations into positive ones is very possibly the best thing you can do for yourself. Otherwise, you carry that tension, anger and negativity inside you. It becomes your VIBE, and that's self-defeating. When I was angry it was written all over my face, 24/7 and it leaked into everything I said, and everything I did. No one ever wants to hear that they are doing something "wrong" when it comes to issues like this. We tend to prefer to blame and project. It takes us off the hook, and realistically, the job market it bad all around. But, Anger projection works like a mirror. We blame others or project our anger outward, yet, it's always turned back on us. Something to think about.
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Post by moonlitvein on Sept 3, 2015 7:16:33 GMT -8
Looking at your situation as a positive "gift" also helps. I know that might sound crazy (No job, a gift???!!!). But, try to figure out what benefit there might be to not being able to find a job at the moment. Your ability to turn perceived negative situations into positive ones is very possibly the best thing you can do for yourself. Otherwise, you carry that tension, anger and negativity inside you. It doesn't sound crazy. Actually, my situation has been a gift in a way it could never have been if I had a full time job in the last 7 - 8 months. I have been thinking of these "dark days" as a blessing in disguise. You are right. It is during this period that I found out about Love Addiction & found this board. I've had the time to get myself acquainted with self help (I scoffed at it earlier & now it's a new found wealth).
But most importantly, the shift in perspective about life,love,relationships that has happened since Dec/Jan would not have happened if I had hopped from one job last year to the other. It's making me understand how it affects every aspect of my life & my relationship with people. Without this time I wouldn't realise why you and some other members rightly say that recovery and self work is a risk. There are things I realise I have to let go, some I cannot let go but I have to practice detachment. Maybe, all this learning would not have sunk in with the rigmarole of a job. Maybe that's why I've been given this time, for it to sink in & to take it slow.
Another thing - I don't think I would have started writing like this on a daily basis had it not been for so much time in hand. This is my journal & I can see there is already so much in it! I have already planned something around it.
As far as my expectations from other people are concerned - I think I expected (in spite of guarding myself) my ex bosses to "fix" my difficult situation since I have good relations with them. And!... that sounds ridiculous! As I am writing this I can feel what this sounds like !(I am not going to edit this). Let this be a reminder for me.
Thanks so much LJ. I had a good mind to remove my angry post later, you know ... but I won't. When I look back later it will give me new perspective.
S@*t, this makes so much sense man ... why would anyone owe me a job unless & until I can prove myself ... and definitely not my past employers! They don't owe it to me to give my job back or look/suggest something new for me. Phew!
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Post by moonlitvein on Sept 3, 2015 7:43:23 GMT -8
Dear leahb, I know you are facing the same situation. But you know what ... I was inspired by how you are setting goals on sending applications on a weekly basis (I read it in another post). Reading your post, four days back, I decided to set a job search goal on a daily basis. I am tracking my job search in a notebook now. It has to be 1) applications or 2) networking/talking to people (PR & netwrking is important to get a job in my field) honestly but strategically about the situation 3) looking up the website of a company & deciding whether I want to apply. All 3 put together I am trying to keep a goal of doing 5 (max) & 1 (min) tasks related to job search per day. So, I really want you to know that you have unknowingly helped me in this matter & I want to say thanks The frustration will come and go... I agree and the way is only forward ...looking for a better future & peace...lots of peace. It's going to come to us. I know it. You hang in there too...ok.
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Post by leahb on Sept 3, 2015 12:20:31 GMT -8
Thanks for your post MV. having goals related to the job search helps immensely. Happy hunting. The right job is out there-you just have to bring it you.
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Post by moonlitvein on Oct 16, 2017 23:53:02 GMT -8
My unresolved abandonment is surfacing again since the past couple of months. I have relapsed and have a new PoA. Most of the time my outer child is acting up since she obviously has way high expectations from him, outside the professional purview.
why has he not called me? why has he chosen another colleague to get the job done instead of me? why should he not sit with me alone for a one to one meeting? The outer child projects all this anger either by shouting at the workplace (eeky!) or by going quiet and grumpy. She is playing the "hard to get" persona sometime.
Rationally the adult knows that this hampers my career and image at the workplace but the outer child is acting on the inner child's emotions and wants to attack a colleague physically!!! God! am I so sick??
Today morning my anger got projected on another colleague and I took out my irritation on him since I was angry with this senior.
My heart spins thinking about any warm tone that he might have used with me and goes on an overdrive when it doesn't find it on a daily basis. classic outer child! I am realizing that I am actually dealing with a healthy person out here who keeps his boundaries. I am the one who needs to get healthy ... again. Two years of recovery... not enough... yet.
trying to calm down today and put things into perspective ... here on the board.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 17, 2017 7:38:25 GMT -8
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