Imagining attention and "I'm special" belief

I can totally relate with your description Peaches! I've often wondered why I do this because I'm not actually believing that I am truly 'all that' I just need other people affirm me somehow. I sometimes feel self conscious because of assuming everyone is looking at me and noticing me.
In my case I'm not looking for 'the one' because I'm married and have been for 20 years. So it mystifies me when inside my fantasy mind I act like all men must want me.

It makes me feel like I have this secret connection with men. Yet I never act in it or find out further what they are actually thinking, because I'm married.
Yet it gives me this incredible boost when men look at me appreciatively. Or even if they just smile innocently and friendly like. I assume there must be more to it.
How embarrassing really to say that out loud, but you have helped me to do so by sharing your inner thoughts too.
It was very interesting the quote above, "ego gratification for being noticed is a very fragile form of self-esteem, and too dependent on how others see you."
Wow!!

Thank you so much Susan and SeasonsChange!

Yes, I can relate to what you have said, SeasonsChange. I also think that I have some special connection with men, and even normal, friendly conversations with interesting men I will interpret as something more. My mind kind of entertains itself by imaging romance and connection.

What I did for the past three days is going around the city as usual, but trying to be aware of my thoughts in regards to "being noticed" and "I like everyone". I noticed that when I pass females or couples or older people, I'm fine, but when I pass single attractive males or group of young males, my mind starts kind of racing and thinking :"They are noticing me". What I tried to do to combat these thoughts is to breathe deeply, remain mindful of my body (my legs, my stomach) and to be in the moment. And that imagination lessens then! I start being in reality more and seeing the reality more clearly! I look around and there's nobody looking at me, everyone is minding their own business!

So I hope if I carry on being aware of my thoughts and try to bring myself to reality, this "imagining attention" will disappear gradually!!

But yesterday I also counted how many guys I fancied in a day, and counted five ! Four were passers by , or neighbours in a cafe, but one is a friend of a friend, and I chatted to him in a normal, friendly, "catching up" way, but then went away and started fantasising about our "connection", about how he likes me, whether he is single, why he didn't ask for my number, etc. I tried to be rational and say to myself- Stop it, its just a friendly stranger, you don't know him, you don't know if he likes you or not! But even this morning I woke up and was happy in that "I'm in love mood" and started fantasising how we might spend the summer together, what things we would do, how lovely and kind he is, where I would like to go with him!!! UGH!
It's like my mind thrives on this fantasy of some exciting relationship starting off !

It never occurred to me before, and it is very embarrassing to admit out loud, but even when I met friends' boyfriends, I still imagined that they admire me, that they like me or we have a connection. Of course, I have enough sense to not show it, or speak to their boyfriends more than usual, I never flirt with them or anything, but this fantasy is in my head.

I want to recover from this "imagining attention" through self-awareness, journaling ever day, speaking out loud about it, challenging my own mind with rational thoughts ! I hope my openness and tools can help you too SeasonsChange!

Imagine how free we could be without this fantasy! I think it limits my potential as a human being. When I recover from this fantasy, I will be able to truly be myself, engage with all people, without any flirting or imagining tension, I would make good male friends, I will trust myself, I will be able to live in reality and be present for my friends and family. Imagine how much wasted mental effort these fantasies take away ! How much time! All this time imaging that some guy likes me, I could spend on focusing on my goals and ambitions, or thinking about my loved ones!

Also it worries me-if I find someone right for me, and settle down, would I be able to stop fantasising about all these other guys I like? What if this mental pattern carries on? would I be a compulsive cheat?

I really want to break free. If I can change my thoughts patterns, I can change my behaviours. If I can change my behaviours, I can change my life, my presence, my relationships, my future relationship.

That excerpt is startlingly revealing to me. I have always felt this 'shadow' observing me and it's most definitely male. As I read that I was almost like, who got into my brain?
I would have times since I have begun my healing process where I would desperately try to convince myself that no one was actually paying attention. Once I was in my back yard alone having this conversation with myself and trying to relax and get a little sun. (Not in a bikini but just closing my eyes and relaxing) then I heard an unfamiliar noise, I looked up and there was a man working on a neighboring roof!
I was right, I always DID have the potential of someone watching me!!
(I don't know if he actually was looking at me or had noticed me, but the point in my mind was, men are everywhere you cannot escape their perusal of you.)
I would like to understand this more. Thank you for sharing it.

Thank you SeasonsChange and HaveFaith for replying!

Yes, definitely - this "being observed" feeling is installed into us by the culture we live in and by our dysfunctional upbringing.
I only noticed that obsession of mine with attention when I was in a 10-day retreat surrounded by women in rural India. My brain was taking a rest from all the "imagining attention from men" because there were no men around and thanks to that break I noticed my unhealthy thought patterns! I was shocked and horrified. I could not believe what I have been doing since however long, in a mindless compulsion- imagining attention, feeding off the male's appraisal of me, seeking validation through men.

I was so scared at that realisation and how ingrained it was in my thoughts, I didn't want to leave that women-only retreat ! I was afraid to go back to that outside world. I wanted to join a monastery. I realised men are everywhere and I am going to repeat my unconscious patterns forever if I don't catch myself on time and work on these thoughts.

Since then I have been more aware if my thoughts. When I am walking down the street, I say to myself a rational view :" Shh, nobody is watching you. Nobody is paying attention to you". That way I return to reality.

My other pattern is that I imagine that every guy I meet fancies me, no matter how ridiculous that sounds and how ridicuolous that would be in reality. In interviews, in meetings, at friends' parties. I realised I relate to men in this unhealthy way- I seek their approval, and it can be only approval through one way- through being interested in me romatically. It gives my brain some soothing and entertainment to imagine that " this guy definitely likes me". It's really dysfunctional. I have even imagined my friends' boyfriends fancying me. Of course I don't show it to the outside world. I don't act on it. I just keep it in my head. But I am sure it gives away some signals of availability and interest, and sometimes I cannot control that if I am one- to -one with a man. It's like I have this compulsion to charm a guy in this way, and make him fall for me or like me. I behave awkwardly, and lower my eyes, and I try to stop it but it has been my pattern for a very long time. Everywhere I go. And that scares me. I don't understand why I need to think like that and to behave like that.

I certainly want to work on it and stop it eventually. Realising what i am doing is an unhealthy pattern is the first step. Realising in the moment that I am doing it is also a step. Although I have slow progress, I still make mistakes. But I am improving slowly.

I try to forgive myself for all of this. I was abused as a child and it could be a pattern from my childhood. To get love and attention, I needed to seduce. That's what I have been taught.

Sorry for this overflowing and over-sharing.

It helps immensely that you guys related to what I said! I now know that I am not crazy, not abnormal, for having these problems and feelings. I know we can work on that and recover!

Thanks so much HaveFaith for pointing out a very useful insight- it is important to value yourself from your inner beauty and to develop that side of you. I changed the way I dress, the people and places I revolved around. I go to socialise with like-minded people now, based on my interests- meditation, self-improvement, film, art, enterprise. I try to make friends based on these shared interests, instead of guy "friends" who can save me, fix me, help me.

I try to do things I loved as a child more often- dancing, writing, drawing. I read a lot and try to develop meaningful, strong friendships.

I am forgiving myself for my mistakes and growing. I am a human being, and I believe we all were put on this earth for a reason. We are not a coincidence. We are here to realise our potential, grow, evolve and help others and make a difference to the world. I definitely want to involve myself into social enterprise related to women rights in the future.

Thanks guys for sharing this journey with me

Hey Jacarandagirl ! What did your therapist tell you about this "disease"?
Wow, I never realised how common this must be !
I told couple of my friends and they said they could relate also !
Hmm, makes you think- is all the advertising and films with the "male gaze" are to blame?!!
Now , how do we guys manage this?
When upon meeting some guy, I notice I am flirting subconsciously, I try to stop and just become shy. I try to control myself but loose out on genuine presence and spontaneity.
What's helping me is trying to see men as human beings, as other members of society, not as men (potential partners, potential romances, someone who evaluates me or sees me in that way).

What tools did you therapist give you to manage your fantasies, Jacarandagirl?
Thanks for being with me on this journey!

Thanks for sharing, CodepNoMore!
What is HP, CodepNoMore? Is it your dad? Or your partner?

You say nothing of great lasting value has really come from outside anyway. So you are completely happy to be on your own?

I would still want to find a good supportive partner though. First to work on myself, but in the future I hope to meet someone to love and to raise a family with. Is this a wrong desire?
Meanwhile I am trying to recover from my issues with men described above.

Hey wip! Thanks so much for the encouragement and guidance!
Yes, I try to catch myself now when I fantasise about some random man "noticing" me, I snap out of it. In my rational moments after I see how ridiculous the thought was. I am slowly improving and also working on other goals in self-development (interests, friendships, career goals) to hopefully one day have a meaningful, rewarding life!
Thanks so much
You lead by example! I know I can get better too when I speak to people like you!

Peaches,

First off, I love your ability to express yourself and this part of you. Second, I think that many, many, many women and men do this: walk down the street and believe people are staring at them. We are, after all, egocentric humans. And I wouldn't worry about it. What is a behavior you might want to keep an eye on, however, is that you sexualize all your interactions with others, including inappropriate people. I love Susan's reference to Beauty Bound, but I think this goes to a higher level. An unhealthy one. I used to do this all the time, only, I would not be able to talk to certain people, mostly older men or men I was not interested in, sexually, because, let's face it, when the only way you know how to communicate is through your sexuality, you run the risk of being in some pretty precarious positions.

I can only tell you that this way of behaving, or way of interacting only went away when I got into a long term, healthy relationship AND when I worked as a teacher at the college level. I was older and yet, I was teaching all these 18-25 year old males, some rather cute. But something in me was able to draw a very clear boundary in this situation. Also, I started to reverse my thinking. I told myself, they do NOT see me in a sexual way, and so I still need to be able to communicate with them. When I did this, and change my paradigm about how to relate to people, it removed my constant sexualizing in situations. Now, to communicate in a sexual way with someone other than D seems odd.

A lot of our healthy changes are made when we are ready to grow up and look outside ourselves.

Hi peaches.
I just wanted to share with you an excerpt from the Slaa big book from step 2 (page 74).
"We felt so self-assured surveying a crowded room, advertising or broadcasting our availability. We knew we would be met with similar energy from others. We enjoyed the power our sex appeal gave us. We felt safe in knowing that physically, emotionally and mentally we could continue to attract new people to us or further bind those already in our web.
Yet whether we were aware of it or not our entire being had been moulded by our failure, or refusal to solve from within the problems of our real lives: insecurity, loneliness and lack of an abiding sense of personal worth and dignity. Through sex, charm, emotional appeal, intellect or fantasy we had used other people as drugs to avoid facing our own personal inadequacy."

During this step I was required to give up all bottom line and ACCESSORY behaviours. Accessory behaviours includes things like: intriguing with men, making eye contact with strangers, dressing with intent (provocatively), fantasy.
This was soooooooooo soooo hard for me because it was like it was my nature. So once I finished NC I also went through a second phase of withdrawal - withdrawal from my accessory behaviours. It felt like I was being forced to be this prudish unsexy person - how am I supposed to attract anyone. And my fantasy actually increased at the start of this phase as the attention from men decreased haha
I cried and argued but listened to my sponsor and did it.

Now that I am healthy(er) I look back on my old self and see how I was acting and I cringe. Lol

Hey CodepNoMore, Lovely June, Michael and wip!
Thanks so much for taking your time to reply! All your replies are very insightful, I took my time to think over each ones' response.

CodepNomore- I admire that you managed to arrive to that place of absolute happiness and security just being on your own. That is what we all strive for...It seems you have figured it out how to find meaning in your life in activities and areas not including any romance, fantasy, relationships! Bravo and its certainly a goal of mine, thanks for inspiration!

LovelyJune, you've hit the nail on the head- I sexualise my interactions with others. I have noticed that last year and was horrified by some of the things I did in the past. I was sexualised as a child by a significant person in my life and I think it all stems from there. As a child I learnt that my main value as a person was "sex appeal" and carried on acting out subconsciously with all people I met. I didn't realise it at the time. It was such a default mode that I only started noticing it when I got older and a bit self-aware (I am now 23). Its true- the only way I know how to communicate with men is through my sexuality.

So I need to break away from that. I have started the process. I think developing safe friendships, with girlfriends, helped me to see that my value is derived from more than just sex, charm, physical appeal. My friends don't want to sleep with me - but they still call me and ask me how I am. In the past I had some painful relationships with men who just used me for sex, and even were honest about it. All relationships were about sex- we didn't go out to eat or to the cinema, we didn't have any common interests, I just came over to their place and spent the night. Meanwhile I couldn't confront the reality of these interactions and thought I was being "the smart one" about it. Everyone in my social circle was hooking up, so I thought I am just being a typical liberated girl exploring her sexuality and having casual relationships for my own enjoyment. I didn't see the power dynamics in those relationships, I didn't see the age difference, I didn't see how I was manipulated by these older guys. When I wanted to stop seeing them, they would not leave me alone and would brainwash me into thinking I was so "smart, mature and sexy", that I was "the best sex of their lives", that we needed to keep seeing each other. In return they gave me crumbs of affection and some attention. I am sad looking back, but I am writing letters and forgiving those men in my life.

Anyways, I can so relate to your past Lovely June! Thanks Goodness you wrote about your story, because now I have hope I can recover from that too! I will try to reverse the perspective as you say- I will repeat to myself next time :"He/they do not see me in a sexual way, why do I need to sexualise myself? Why do I need to objectify myself?
Today I entered my gym and there were a few guys exercising and again my thought process was "they are looking at me, they are checking me out" and again I was feeling exposed in some way. I noticed I was doing that and started saying to myself :"They are just men, they are just human beings, other members of society, they have come here to exercise, they do not see me as prey". I just need to rationalise these things to myself. Over time I hope it will work and those ridiculous thoughts will go away.

Being mindful of thoughts and being self-aware is helping me to recover. At the moment I am trying to meditate 10 minutes every evening, so that helps to clear the mind, to calm down and to be more self-aware.

Thanks LovelyJune- your strength in overcoming this is amazing and I hope you're enjoying your safe, strong relationship and a career in teaching. Keep up sharing and guiding us, those who have only started Much appreciated. Really really could relate to your story!

Hey Michael, your post is spot-on and very practical! You're right, its time to develop concrete strategies for dealing with addictive thoughts. I am thinking mine are- when I find myself fantasising about some "romance" or falling in love with a guy I briefly met, I will snap out of it and ration myself with thoughts like "Stop living in fantasy. This thought pattern is unhealthy and unproductive. You will find the fulfilling relationship one day, but right now you need to focus on sorting your love addiction and other issues. No, you are not going to end up with that random guy who smiled at you and chatted to you for five minutes. No, you need to know who you are first in order to attract the healthy mate." Pep-talking to myself basically !

And when I find myself flirting with a stranger, or a person at a party, I will take a deep breath, stop it and go to the bathroom to breathe, to be mindful of myself and to talk some sense back into myself. Couple of evenings ago I was at a dinner party, and I was like a puppy, overjoyed to meet new people and to be in a social atmosphere in a new city and country where I have recently moved to (I don't have any local friends yet). I was full of this "high" feeling, laughing and talking to a few men who sat next to me at a dinner table. We all got to know each other, told our stories, then one guy started grabbing my attention in conversations and generally separating us two from the rest. He wanted my full attention, told me some stories, about his life, asked me advice, etc. He then walked me to the metro station and we exchanged numbers as friends. I enjoyed his company and our conversation, but didn't like the guy as a potential boyfriends or anything like that ! Despite that, I still flirted with him for most of the evening! I was realising in the moment I was slipping into my "flintiness" mode but could not snap back out of it ! I was laughing at his jokes, lowered my eyes, and generally behaved like I was into him! And I couldn't understand why I needed to behave like that and how to stop this. The guy probably thought I liked him, asked my number and has been texting me since. Now what do I do? I can't tell this poor chap - look, I have these crazy issues with my identity, its not that I fancied you, I just generally compulsively give out the wrong signals to men ! Ha!

When I came home after that party, I knew instantly I was not in control that night- I was acting out my bottom line. And I couldn't stop. Yet. But I forgave myself and told myself- I am only beginning this recovery process, this is the first step- at least I realised in the moment that what I did was wrong. Next time I will hopefully be able to snap out of it faster.

So yeah, I need to be carful with my interaction with all new male species I meet. Thanks for your advice Michael- very practical and useful. Also that's true that setting and expressing our boundaries raises our self-esteem. I noticed when I said a clear no for the first few times, I felt empowered. I aim to continue working on boundaries.

Hey wip- that is a VERY useful excerpt and an advice about accessory behaviours. Yep, so very true- I am also wanting to go cold turkey and drop all my "pleasing men" behaviours. I definitely started dressing more conservatively recently- although without setting out to do it on purpose. The shifts in my awareness made me present myself in a different way I think. I threw away all my sheer blouses and shorts skirts and "night out" dresses last time I moved flats.
I stopped making eye contact with strangers too. I am working on my fantasy patterns right now, and it proves to be the hardest to overcome.

Thank you guys so much for stopping by and sharing your insights, advices and stories. You are all a huge help, an inspiration, and helped me to understood some of my ways.
Hope one day we can pop the champagne bottle, virtually say cheers to each other, and celebrate our complete happiness and and health and recovery

Love, Peaches xxx

Hey peaches, that last one is so cutesy little note. Smile


Just wanna add that we who have been sexually abused would take more effort to overcome fantasy and sexualization. I will try to share about this in my thread later on.

Wow, What a relief to read this! It really opened my eyes to how seeking attention is feeding into my addiction. I am totally new to posting but have read the boards for a few months. I am on day 3 of NC with an emotionally and physically abusive man. When I was with him, I focused so much energy on how he looked at other women and let it determine how I felt about myself...but I was doing the same thing! The hypocritical mirror made it hard to see my own actions and I projected so much onto him. It was a cloudy mirror. I hope that makes sense! It is helping me heal though - I have been wondering how to navigate the terrain of trauma and emotional/physical abuse from this man and his porn addicted lusty ways and ultimately, the behaviour I tolerated from him was how I treated myself and he was just a mirror.

I give my energy away to strangers all the time. People who haven't earned it with love and respect and honour... and then got upset when my POA did the same thing. Easier to blame someone else than be accountable I suppose.