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Post by margotescargot on Feb 13, 2015 17:39:02 GMT -8
Hello everyone! I think I have gotten myself into quite a conundrum. I have started online dating and this guy seems to want to date me further and he is wondering about when we will get physical. We have just had 3 dates, which seems like not enough for me , but everyone I consult says that this enough time to determine whether you " like someone" he is fine waiting to get physical and he seems nice enough, and he is objectively attractive. I do not feel physically attracted to him though. I am attracted to someone who is unavailable to me and this person has purposed we have causal sex and that it is okay because he is in open marriage. I honestly think the only reason I am not doing it with him is because of how self concious I am about sex and my performance. This person is the reason I have entered SLAA again and am attempting withdrawal. I know I am so addicted to the "intrigue" and dopamine received from our interactions that I may not be able to " give myself" and attention to another person. I just do not know what the !@#$% to do about this person I am dating. I am not sure how I feel about him and not sure if it is my sexual anorexia sabotaging it. I wish I was a d**n sex addict. I am so tired and confused. !@#$%.
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 14, 2015 3:35:12 GMT -8
Welcome margotescargot, Sex is sacred and cannot be forced. Also, 3 dates are not enough to know someone, especially from a dating site. It takes time to know someone substantially. And a relationship or a date should allow you to feel comfortable in being who you are. If it is the right one, there must be peace inside your heart. So create a standard and boundary and let it guide you. Take your time to know you, and if casual sex is not for you then don't do it. You are actually better off without it. |
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Post by margotescargot on Feb 14, 2015 9:36:56 GMT -8
Yes thank you. This guy told me after 3 dates that he wasn't seeing anyone else and I thought that was a little too soon. I am not sure if I am attracted to him or not. I am kind of getting over an obsession with someone else and maybe now is not time. I just do not know.
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 14, 2015 17:30:20 GMT -8
margotescargot, it is not your problem nor should even be your concern whether this guy is in exclusive dating with you or not. Even if he proposes or promises you the paradise, it does not matter. You are not ready nor interested at this point. Focus on you and what works best for you. While the other guy who is in open marriage shows nothing but red flags. Marriage is sacred and so triangle or affair is self-degrading/demeaning and toxic for you. What/where are your standard and boundary? Create your value system and build your self-esteem, so you know what is your worth and what is acceptable to you or not. Generally in recovery, it is advisable to abstain from dating for one year to work on yourself until you become ready. What are your current recovery goals and action plan?
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 15, 2015 5:31:11 GMT -8
I would like to back up what codep said. However, here's a twist: Sex can be sacred, but only if you elect to have it with someone you love, respect and feel VERY close to. And all of those feelings are RECIPROCATED. Sex can also be sloppy and given away for cents on the dollar (cheaply). It's YOUR CHOICE. And YOUR CHOICE is always based on your perceived value and what you feel you are WORTH. If you think you are worth a lot, you will not give away cheap sex. If, however, you do not have self-respect or self-worth and you give yourself away on impulse (to either feel immediate gratification or to hold on to someone), this is not sacred sex. It's cheap sex. Anyone can have that.
Start to think of your choices as being important ones. As being a reflection of how you view yourself and your self-worth.
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Feb 15, 2015 8:38:30 GMT -8
I have a clear memory of what having sex with someone I am not in a committed relationship does to me. And I choose not to do it again. That's been a big part of my recovery. Don't have sex with this guy if you are not comfortable. Keep working on and figuring out what your healthy boundaries are... You can do it!!
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 15, 2015 9:00:48 GMT -8
Just want to add here that it's not about "sexual anorexia" when someone is purposely practicing "sexual purity" out of moral conviction. Or when abstaining from casual sex is a part of a person's recovery goal/boundary. Or when you simply have not found a suitable, healthy partner and/or not ready yet.
In short, many times saying "no" to sex means saying "yes" to your conviction, recovery, dignity.
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Post by margotescargot on Feb 15, 2015 19:36:43 GMT -8
Thank you guys! This obsession with this married man has truly opened my eyes to how I regard myself as less than everyone, and that is the most attractive male that has ever been interested in me and will be the last. But playing that tape all of the way through helps me. I know if I were to have sex with him, I would feel used and devastated when he didn't talk to me again. It is mainly getting over the obsession now. I am praying for my higher power to help me regard him as another struggling addict in recovery. I think that will help me thank you guys
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