Post by SeasonsChange on Feb 20, 2015 10:38:54 GMT -8
When I turned 35 I was taking a class that had a section on child abuse. I almost skipped the class thinking "this isnt' something I need help with" but considered that I want to help others who have gone through it, so I went anyway.
During the class that evening I started feeling like I was going to throw up. I had an overwhelming urge to just run out of the room and never come back. I felt like I hated everyone in that room.
These feelings were completely foreign to me. I NEVER ran away from stuff! I always faced it and pressed through.
That next week I had a memory come up. I was very skeptical. I had heard about people having repressed memories and always thought it was a bunch of 'bunk' People just wanting attention and scheming up ways to get it. (I did NOT need attention from anyone, thank you very much! HAHA funny now that I have seen my love addiction tendencies!)
I did some detective work though and asked my mom some 'casual' questions to just pinpoint if the memory i had was even possible considering where we lived, how old i was, and if I was ever alone with the person in question.
FF through all of the anguish of my denial/anger/etc...I finally realized that this was real AND it hadn't only happened to me but to 2 of my younger sisters by the same family 'friend'. (that was the final straw to me accepting that this WAS real.)
It explained SO much. In fact when I finally got the guts to tell my husband about what what going on he was absolutely NOT surprised, and even relieved because he had always just assumed I was sexually abused and was glad that it wasn't my dad.
I am now 40. The last 5 years have been unequivocably the most emotionally charged, chaotic, and just plain challenging of my entire life. I went from being the 'perfect', 'amazing', 'wonderful' wife/mother/church-goer to fighting the desire to run away every day, being depressed, acting like a teenager, drinking, flirting, almost losing my marriage, losing 'friends', blah, blah, blah...drama, drama, drama. (I guess I had to do it sometime, get it out of my system. Etc.)
Now...now, I understand that the pain of finding out about the child abuse was too much on my own and coupled with the place my husband was in at the time (dealing with anger issues and rage) i just checked out again. And into LA acting out. Looking back I should've gone to a counselor immediately! But hindsight is 20/20.
I ended up going to a counselor to save my marriage and my love addiction issues are just now being dealt with by me this year.
All that preface to say, last week my in-laws were in town and my mom came over too. We were all reminiscing about the small town that my hubby and I grew up in. People we knew, places we lived, etc. (I lived in 11 different houses growing up.)
My mom started talking about something I never knew about, how she and Dad almost bought this certain home and she was expressing resentment toward my dad for not buying it because of a $5000 discrepency in the amount they had agreed to spend.
She started talking about the home an how wonderful it would've been and the big full basement it had, etc.
It was the house that I was molested in!!!
(she knows this she just got caught up in the moment, I guess.)
That night I coudn't sleep because I kept seeing that house, the back yard, the living room, bedrooms...
Last week I was getting triggered by anything and everything. A police car went by with it's lights on and I started crying. (I never had any run in's with the police!) The advertisements for a certain movie that came out on V-day were making me feel terrified and totally unsafe. People walking by suddenly seem scary and malicious.
And of course my desire to contact my poa or at the very least cyber-stalk him are coming up strongly again.
But I am less susceptible to this because I know it's not real or true in any way, that he could make me feel better. Plus I don't want to break my 20-day streak.
Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.
During the class that evening I started feeling like I was going to throw up. I had an overwhelming urge to just run out of the room and never come back. I felt like I hated everyone in that room.
These feelings were completely foreign to me. I NEVER ran away from stuff! I always faced it and pressed through.
That next week I had a memory come up. I was very skeptical. I had heard about people having repressed memories and always thought it was a bunch of 'bunk' People just wanting attention and scheming up ways to get it. (I did NOT need attention from anyone, thank you very much! HAHA funny now that I have seen my love addiction tendencies!)
I did some detective work though and asked my mom some 'casual' questions to just pinpoint if the memory i had was even possible considering where we lived, how old i was, and if I was ever alone with the person in question.
FF through all of the anguish of my denial/anger/etc...I finally realized that this was real AND it hadn't only happened to me but to 2 of my younger sisters by the same family 'friend'. (that was the final straw to me accepting that this WAS real.)
It explained SO much. In fact when I finally got the guts to tell my husband about what what going on he was absolutely NOT surprised, and even relieved because he had always just assumed I was sexually abused and was glad that it wasn't my dad.
I am now 40. The last 5 years have been unequivocably the most emotionally charged, chaotic, and just plain challenging of my entire life. I went from being the 'perfect', 'amazing', 'wonderful' wife/mother/church-goer to fighting the desire to run away every day, being depressed, acting like a teenager, drinking, flirting, almost losing my marriage, losing 'friends', blah, blah, blah...drama, drama, drama. (I guess I had to do it sometime, get it out of my system. Etc.)
Now...now, I understand that the pain of finding out about the child abuse was too much on my own and coupled with the place my husband was in at the time (dealing with anger issues and rage) i just checked out again. And into LA acting out. Looking back I should've gone to a counselor immediately! But hindsight is 20/20.
I ended up going to a counselor to save my marriage and my love addiction issues are just now being dealt with by me this year.
All that preface to say, last week my in-laws were in town and my mom came over too. We were all reminiscing about the small town that my hubby and I grew up in. People we knew, places we lived, etc. (I lived in 11 different houses growing up.)
My mom started talking about something I never knew about, how she and Dad almost bought this certain home and she was expressing resentment toward my dad for not buying it because of a $5000 discrepency in the amount they had agreed to spend.
She started talking about the home an how wonderful it would've been and the big full basement it had, etc.
It was the house that I was molested in!!!
(she knows this she just got caught up in the moment, I guess.)
That night I coudn't sleep because I kept seeing that house, the back yard, the living room, bedrooms...
Last week I was getting triggered by anything and everything. A police car went by with it's lights on and I started crying. (I never had any run in's with the police!) The advertisements for a certain movie that came out on V-day were making me feel terrified and totally unsafe. People walking by suddenly seem scary and malicious.
And of course my desire to contact my poa or at the very least cyber-stalk him are coming up strongly again.
But I am less susceptible to this because I know it's not real or true in any way, that he could make me feel better. Plus I don't want to break my 20-day streak.
Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.
In the end, I think it is good to know it happened, but then, to let it go. As Dr. Phil says, it's one thing to suffer as a child; it's another thing when you bring that suffering into your adult life. Acknowledge it. And then...Let. It. Go. 
