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Post by cheri on Oct 24, 2008 23:58:10 GMT -8
Boundary: The key to teach other how to treat you
Boundaries permit only the behaviors of others that are acceptable and nourishing to you. When you set your boundary, you are protecting your heart, soul and identity. You cannot be yourself without the protection provided by strong, healthy boundaries. The people who care about you will honor your boundaries, when you set new boundary, give every one time to get used to, they eventually will- or they will move on.
A system of limit-setting that enhances a person¡¯s ability to have a sense of self and to control the impact of reality on the self and others, perfect and contain your reality, and keep you offending and violating others.
Sometimes we use wall or fear and anger to shut people out. Boundaries are flexible, acting as a block and filter to offences, intrusion and abuse, not as isolation or rigid as walls
Internal boundary: emotional and intellectual
Decide it is true or not without being defensive.
If another¡¯s reality conflict with yours, you don¡¯t have to defend yourself or argue with them, you can simply allow them their opinion of you without it affecting your opinion of yourself. You can do this by closing your month and saying it silently to your self. Doing this helps you take ownership of your own reality and value yourself.
¡° I create what I think and feel and I am in control of what I do or don¡¯t do, The same is true for you, My reality us derived more from my history than from what you are saying or doing, And the same is true for you¡±
Physical or Sexual boundary¡°I have the right to determine with whom, where, when and how I going to be touched (or sexual) and you have the right to do the same¡±
Spiritual boundary
You know what you believe think, feel and value, you are comfortable o share and listen to others, if you differ, you become curious, rather than threatened, you can ask people for guidance but you have the right to choose what to believe, only you know the spiritual path that is right for you
-----Souce: book ¡°set yourself free¡± ------Shirley Smith
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Post by cheri on Oct 25, 2008 0:02:18 GMT -8
I set my boundary for a few years, In my work, I seal every deal with fairness, especially fair to myself first . And I also set boundary with people close to me, Let any man out of my life when I sense the unfairness and subtle manipulation. With friends too, I stand up for myself assertively. That¡¯s absolutely necessary in my recovery Almost reach a little nervous, as if a little voice on my shoulder, and ask: ¡° do you assertive enough?¡± Last night I had dinner in a club, There are many peoples, a little girl with very round face, about 1 years old, she can¡¯t speak yet. Her beautiful face like a doll, her eyes stared at my plate, I pick up a spring roll and give to her. A little voice asked me ¡° Do you think you are too giving?¡± A few minutes ago, the girl come back, enjoy the roll, and to my very surprise, She put her milk bottle to my mouth¡ That¡¯s her little return to my Kindness¡  I had deep spiritual experience at the moment¡ I think ¡°synchronicity¡± just happened¡ The little girl is a little beautiful signal the university send to me. ¡° Assertive is always a choice¡±
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Post by cheri on Oct 25, 2008 0:09:37 GMT -8
I seal the matrix of assertiveness with awareness of Choice
I shift boundary from outer world to boundary within myself
And step into the door of Self mastery... ...¡K Assertive is always a choice, and It¡¦s not only about to other people, the other aspect of assertive is set boundary within. - When a little voice speaks to me, ¡§you are not good enough because your shortcoming.¡¨ I found I speak up:¡¨ Yes, I have that weakness, But I always whole and good enough as a person¡¨
- I feel disturbed by a situation, I begin to observe my feeling, what exactly happen to me when the disturbance surface? I have a right to know the cause, the accident, and have a right to let it pass and make a choose, In other words, I have a right to chose how I feel.
- ... ...
¡K ¡K The lists are many, many...¡K anyone like to share? ;D
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Post by Rilly on Oct 25, 2008 9:56:03 GMT -8
Cheri,
Welcome to the site. Thank you for sharing all those thoughts about boundaries. That is an area that I allowed to slip in my life. If I had honored my former POA's boundaries, and had set firm boundaries for myself, and had kept them, then I would have avoided a lot of heartache.
Please keep sharing your thoughts. Keep posting.
Rilly
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Post by cheri on Nov 12, 2008 2:27:02 GMT -8
Assertive self- Acceptance
In Robin Norwood¡¯s recovery list, there is an important step: develop yourself, At this step, I step into the world and develop myself in every area.
Now I find the important boundary is assertive self acceptance.
I accept myself fully and completely, and I do not let others opinion about me influence my opinion about myself
In the past, I found I need to explain myself, or I need to argue with others if I think they wrong me, Now I found, I do not need to be right and do not to justify myself. my self value is completely independent others opinion no matter what other¡¯s opinion is. If I find the situation is not good for me, The Best I can do is Leave without any explanation.
I do not need agreement from others, I only need to accept myself completely
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Post by cheri on May 7, 2009 17:18:45 GMT -8
Updating boundary skills
From life experience recently, I found out more
Never use this to set boundary:
* unpleasant voice, voice with anger, never ever raise voice
* Judgment, statement like following
" you take advantage of people"
" If seems you are cheating/not honest"
"You will be paid back for your action"
" you may have psychology problem"---even with good intention
" you are not mature"
......
If we use judgment on other people, we locked in the reality of our judgment, what we judge will very likely turn out to be true
* argument, including legal action, no matter what the result is, we engaged in fighting which drown our energy. there is no win party in argument, whenever found in argument, let it go... and shift your focus to other things...
Above might draw us to lower vibration. because when we do this, we are in lower vibration ( mental). which attracted unpleasant reality in life
Instead, set boundary from a inner state of peace, Say no from a state of knowing our right, no is not negative, and there are many skillful way to say no, as well as set boundary
slowly, I begin to aware the relationship between action and the result
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Post by cheri on Jul 16, 2009 18:59:11 GMT -8
After a period, I observed more about myself.
I feel internal boundary is the most important..
My habit way of thinking
fact: A did this thing ( which is lack of standard someway)
A did this too me
I am upset
I am upset because A did this to me
I am anger to A,
I am reactive
New way of thinking
fact: A did this thing ( which is lack of standard someway)
A did this because A have this habit
I can choose to feel sad angry and I can choose peace and not affect by this things
I choose to be peace
I choose to response or not response ( whether I response or not is from state of peace)..
Old habit:
I am like a machine.
Thing A can make me angry
Thing B can make me a little annoying
Things C can make me happy
New way
I am not a machine, I am human therefore I can choose
I choose how I feel.
Things A, B, C shouldn't affect how I feel
I choose to feel happy peace always
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Post by jonny on Jul 20, 2009 0:12:25 GMT -8
yes i beleive these are some of the ways people say you can change your way of thinking esp when its cognative thinking learnt as a child and hard to change when you mind react to your tummy esp if its the incorrect action !!
jonny xxx
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Post by london on Aug 10, 2009 20:31:41 GMT -8
I set a boundary at work and the consequences were having papers thrown in my face. Colleague kept calling me "dear" which made me feel uncomfortable since I did not know him very well. I made a nice, simple statement that my name is London, not dear. Thank you. He said, "You're welcome baby. Have a great weekend honey." , then the papers were thrown in my face. Some people do not react positively to boundaries.
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Post by reinventmyself on Aug 11, 2009 15:45:07 GMT -8
oooo. . Just reading that makes my blood boil, London!
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Post by london on Aug 11, 2009 19:49:33 GMT -8
The men in the office thought it was funny. I can't tell you how many times they would talk about strip clubs right in front of me. I was a nervous wreck the entire time I was there.
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Post by cheri on Aug 11, 2009 22:20:25 GMT -8
London, sorry to hear that story, some people are very difficult.
My suggestion is be calm and do whatever you need to do at office, ignore him as much as possible... sometimes silence is dignity.
Bless him from you heart... hope whatever best for him will happen... some spiritual teacher said that's a best way to release a Peron from our life.
love to you, wish you all the best
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Post by cheri on Aug 17, 2009 4:35:17 GMT -8
More boundary skills need to be developed
recently, I find that I am not flexible on setting boundary, and my boundary is like a control tool, lack of tolerance.... if someone crossed my boundary, I usually lack of patient and end the contact quickly.
I observe one of my friend, her boundary is not like that, she can have problem with her friend, and be at contact at the same time. she state her point without need certain response from others, in other words, her friendship/relating can exist with problem and keep boundary at the same time, she is patient but mine usually can not.
Anyone have same feeling?
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Post by akinrecovery on Dec 22, 2011 13:45:36 GMT -8
Yes, I am struggling with my boundaries. I am doing my best well. When I am violated I feel really distressed and angry. I get overwhelmed. I keep asking people for help because I wasnt taught it. I am going to be selfish and that is my goal. I gave myself away too much. My current job caused me a lot of distress. I work in a male dominated profession and men will use the woman to dump their pain by abusing the women. The environment is emotionally stressfull. I didnt see that but over time I realised what was going on. I became a scape goat. The men were asking me personal questions in team meetinsg etc. When I told them to stop, 2 have blanked me out. Some men dont like assertive woman, best way for me is to keep away because they want control, control. I get it all the time. I rememeber to stay grounded and ready to walk. It's difficult soemdays as I do get needy and not having meetings to check in makes it difficult. I see men to be as not being able to feel their emotions. I have seen their struggles but I am not going to be compassionate for that because I took a huge toll of their emotions. With the consequences I let them deal with it. Let them find their higher power to hand it over to and last but not the least if I AM NOOOOOT RESPONSSSSIBLE. I too want my power back and will have it. If they dont like me that's a good thing. If they Stay away from me and I have one less pain to deal with. My higher has given me people that love me no matter want and I count them and increase the number of these affirming people. I need to make a new list of nice people.
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 22, 2011 14:08:35 GMT -8
Im learning to hold my boundaries, in the last year, sometimes it hurts, but it is very necessary to protect myself. People who have no interest in my well being, I dont need them in my life anymore. I feel as iam a good friend, good listener, and compassioniate, and i expect the same in return. That is how you build healthy relationship with people. And if there are too selfish & self-centered they can stay in there own little world. Boundaries are good for my self-esteem. And recovery is about taking care of myself. thx for bringing this topic up, very helpful.
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