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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 8, 2015 8:57:51 GMT -8
I have been reading on self esteem since December 2014. I have been discovering & realizing aspects of my own self. Some are fleeting thoughts. Some are taking the shape of resolutions. But if I do not put them all down in as structured a manner as possible, they will eventually remain fleeting & then they might get lost. Since I am reading an exercise oriented book I will do some of the exercises here. Some will remain in my hard copy journal. I will keep a track of realizations, resolutions & changes.
I grew up under the loving care of parents, one of whom was a floater. The other, however was a paddler. Through & through. After facing an extremely difficult situation in life, he paddled with all his might undertaking enormous personal & professional responsibilities. I have believed myself to be a paddler since I have always taken charge of situations & gone for things that I wanted to do. Not what life or family was handing down to me. The last 2 yrs have been, however, a completely different equation. I failed to stand up to my own expectations in the professional and certainly in the personal growth front. The latter simply killed me. I have realized that the second is so much more difficult to do since deadlines & motivations completely depend on me & not on any external factor, like deadlines from office.
I recently took the self esteem test and scored severely LSE. I didn't know things were this "bad" with me. I know I should not use this term. My score doesn't make me any less as a person. But it certainly means I have to understand things. How did I turn a floater after being a paddler (or so I think) for a long time?
Let me begin from scratch.
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 8, 2015 9:22:34 GMT -8
Exercise 1 - Make a list of your good qualities/ What do I like about myself?
1. My capability to plan & organise
2. My ability to probe beneath the surface & analyse & question
3. My ability to spend & save money wisely
4. My ability to cope with loss in the last 11 yrs
5. My passion for literature, cinema & art
6. My honesty, sincerity & loyalty
7. My mental & physical tenacity
8. My ability to stay calm during extreme crisis like death
9. My confidence
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 8, 2015 9:49:39 GMT -8
Exercise 2 - What do I dislike about myself? (This is an improvisation by me. People with LSE blow their negative qualities out of proportion. But I decided to do this to see how much LSE has affected me & how I might be able to change my negative perceptions). This negative list is shockingly longer compared to the above list of my positive traits.
1. Irrational anger & irritation towards a close person
2. Not executing my personal & professional plans since 2012
3. Procrastination,laziness & indiscipline
4. Inability to overcome fear of change
5. Giving in to fantasy addiction & acting out
6. Outburst in a professional space (in 2012)
7. Fear of communicating with "accomplished" people, feeling I wouldn't know what to say
8. Lack of concentration in the last 2 yrs
9. Being unproductive throughout the day
10. I don't feel quiet from within
11. My intrusive obsessive thoughts
12. Infantile behaviour due to need for attention/appreciation
13. Inability to let go of the past
14. Jealousy towards people who are "doing well" at present
15. Lingering hatred towards people from my past (others apart from my PoA) who don't call me. I take it personally as a non display of warmth towards me.
16. Need for excessive amount of breaks when I sit down for any kind of work
17. Avoiding duties & responsibilities till the last minute & hating myself for it eventually
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 9, 2015 23:38:18 GMT -8
Exercise 3: Let's see if I can take each of these negative traits & make them work positively:
1. Irrational anger & irritation towards a close person
This anger is mostly because of myself & not due to an external agent. It's happened because I have also cooped myself up at home for sometime. I need to get out & interact more with others in order to turn the anger & irritation towards calmness & happiness.
2. Not executing my personal & professional plans since 2012 3. Procrastination,laziness & indiscipline
The only way to turn the tables on the two above things right now is to break down my work into short manageable actions instead of feeling overwhelmed by the larger scheme of things. I have been trying this since Feb ( sometimes successful & sometimes not) & I have realized that I feel good about myself once I finish the work. Read Susan's complete article on self esteem & realized that discipline can slowly bring back self respect. I have made a list of Goals for 2015.
4. Inability to overcome fear of change
I've dealt with change before. And I've dealt with them pretty well. Some changes were due to external factors. Many were brought on by me. Me , myself. And they yielded positive productive results. So why should I not bring it on now. What will I lose by trying? Everything cannot be a failure. That's for sure!
5. Giving in to fantasy addiction & acting out
This is the hardest thing for me, I know. But at least I have stopped enacting my fantasies behind the closed doors of my room. I have been successful at it. So with time I will be able to stop my restless pacing up & down & daydreaming that goes with it. It's probable. If it's probable, it's possible.
6. Outburst in a professional space (in 2012)
It happened only once in my 13 yrs of professional life. I've learnt my lesson from it & never done it again. It's time to stop beating myself up about it.
7. Fear of communicating with "accomplished" people, feeling I wouldn't know what to say 8. Lack of concentration in the last 2 yrs 9. Being unproductive throughout the day 10. I don't feel quiet from within 11. My intrusive obsessive thoughts 12. Infantile behaviour due to need for attention/appreciation 13. Inability to let go of the past 14. Jealousy towards people who are "doing well" at present 15. Lingering hatred towards people from my past (others apart from my PoA) who don't call me. I take it personally as a non display of warmth towards me. 16. Need for excessive amount of breaks when I sit down for any kind of work 17. Avoiding duties & responsibilities till the last minute & hating myself for it eventually
Will write later on the traits from point 7 to 17.
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 10, 2015 7:17:48 GMT -8
Exercise 3: Contd.
7. Fear of communicating with "accomplished" people, feeling I wouldn't know what to say
Everyone is an authority/ accomplished within a context. I am "accomplished" too in many ways. I have had the "authority" in my workplace in the past & have dealt with people accordingly. I am equal to others as a human being. So perhaps it would help to think of people as just individuals rather than thinking about how "successful" (and hence my fear & discomfort about communicating with them) they are. This thinking applies even during an interview. I think it can work wonders.
8. Lack of concentration in the last 2 yrs
9. Being unproductive throughout the day
10. I don't feel quiet from within
11. My intrusive obsessive thoughts
All the above can be handled by being able to organise,plan, & focus on the smallest work. When will my no.1 positive attribute come handy, if not now? 
Point 11 will take more work than that. It will need separate work & readings. Agreed.
12. Infantile behaviour due to need for attention/appreciation
I haven't figured this one out yet either. Not fully. This needs work. It obviously has got a lot to do with my self esteem. But I will get there.
13. Inability to let go of the past
14. Jealousy towards people who are "doing well" at present
15. Lingering hatred towards people from my past (others apart from my PoA) who don't call me. I take it personally as a non display of warmth towards me.
All of the above three are actually exhaustive & take away all my productive energy. They take the focus away from me. Enough now! Let the anger go. So what if people don't call me. I am still the same capable, nice, sweet etc. etc. human being. Doesn't make me any less! And what is "doing well" by the way? How many people do I know in my life who are actually investing time on themselves currently the way I am; how many are actually moving in towards core issues within themselves for a better life? I am doing well by doing this right now.
16. Need for excessive amount of breaks when I sit down for any kind of work
17. Avoiding duties & responsibilities till the last minute & hating myself for it eventually
Stick to the plan & execute it. Break work into smaller capsules. No reason why I can't do it. I already have done it & it feels good. Wouldn't it be great to be able to do this for life!!!
Read more: loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/post/new/16389#ixzz3TzgcWs7S
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 11, 2015 2:39:36 GMT -8
This is fabulous. I need to do this too! Thanks for posting it and sharing it with others. I have many of the same insecurities and low self esteem issues.
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 11, 2015 5:37:17 GMT -8
You do?!!! I thought I'm kind of an extreme case with some of these traits. I read your thread on - How to avoid the Avoidant today from daily reflections. I have many of these traits. I am an avoidant myself, to the extent that I might be slightly agoraphobic. This is making my job plans go slowly. When you were recovering you had extreme fear too, right? It's there in your blog. Did you have people fear & did you need to take a test on agoraphobia? Fear affects the self esteem so much. I'm realizing it now.
LJ thanks. You always know how to encourage
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 11, 2015 7:15:02 GMT -8
Some Healthy Resolutions to Boost My Self Esteem:
1. I will not be awed by anyone: This applies for all, but specially for senior people (especially men in higher designations). I had made this resolution years back with an ex PoA but repeated exactly the same pattern last year with another senior man who became the current PoA. Awe makes me blind,it makes me ignore flaws that are right there in front of me. Awe makes me put a person on a pedestal. And then I invariably become enamoured with the person since I feel that this "senior" man will validate me. Unconsciously it is my need for a boost from a man recognized in his field. No one is God, so no need to be awed. Does that mean senior people do not have any value? Of course they do. They, in fact have a very high value for me. I can learn from them. They are wise, experienced people & I love them for it. So value them, respect them, their work, learn from them & their wisdom. YES, ABSOLUTELY. Be awed by them? NO.
2. I will not emulate anyone, anymore: Another big NO. Ever since I can remember I have imitated people. My seniors, my friends, my colleagues. I have emulated gestures, body movements, movement of the hands, legs, the way I walk, the way I carry my bag/purse, the way I hold my phone, tone of voice, manner of speaking, style of laughter, pouting & tilt of the mouth, aggressive behaviour, lines & terms that a certain person may keep repeating as a habit, handwriting of my friends (in school & in college as well!). Shocking! I have very good handwriting myself. Now that I have put this down it looks like I have imitated everything possible. Why? I have my own sense of self. Externally & internally.
3. I will not "fall" for "authority" figures (men): My father was a very loving & caring man. But at the same time he was very strict too about studies, exams, and discipline. So, on hindsight I was also very scared of him. He was the ultimate "authority" for me. I now recognize a pattern where I have always gone for men who have been kind, caring & very loving, they interact well but all of them have been either actually been senior people or according to my perception they were all "responsible, authority" figures. The realization about this pattern have come to me just a few days back. So yes it is the dating my dad syndrome.
It has also answered a certain puzzling question that has nagged me since I was very young. Why have I always been often attracted to men who were much older to me. This is the reason. And whenever these men as authorities have loved me, it was obviously a high for my self esteem. Subconsciously my LSE told me "Wow look this man with so much authority & knowledge likes you! There could have been other women but he likes you ! Wow!
There's nothing wrong with men doing well in their fields & their being a boss but to fall for them just for kicks is a NO.
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 12, 2015 3:42:52 GMT -8
Yes! I definitely fight against low self esteem and I tend to be an introvert with varying degrees of social anxiety and agoraphobia ( I will always avoid crowds). If you met me, I "appear" confident, bold, social and open. But I can be those things only temporarily. I get burnt out quickly on people and need to retreat. I also have trouble with #s 2, 3, 8, 9, 10, 11 (thoughts on my health, not PoAs), and 16. As for extreme fear, to me it comes out as fear of entrapment. Huge problem and removes my ability to make longterm commitments to things. I have gotten it under control in my relationship because my husband allows me the freedom to come and go as I please and allows me to be myself) but in a career...I'm still looking for a career that meets all my needs and lets me be productive without sucking the life out of me and making me feel trapped. And I STILL don't feel as though I am working to my capacity.  Regarding a few of the things on your list, go read the book Quiet, about introversion. It might help you immensely. Things like "need for excessive amount of breaks" signals that you may simply need to retreat more in order to recharge yourself. This is a trait of an introvert. |
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 12, 2015 6:05:02 GMT -8
You know, about the career thing I always feel that for people who love many things passionately there perhaps is no one "career" because then one thing cannot meet all your intellectual needs (financial needs, ya, perks etc., ya but not the mental satisfaction). You had mentioned about not finding the "career" when we were interacting about Erin B. So I've been wanting to talk to you about it. You teach right? I definitely know you are a writer, you write your blog, your book is getting ready to see the light of day .
Have you ever thought that all 3 things are your career but, because teaching is also a "job" it can leave you trapped because, one, "job" has its pros & cons and two, academics is always a lot more structured area (which can stifle) compared to let’s say writing or the media & film making (which gives you more freedom to explore). So maybe what you are currently considering to be work or career is turning into just a job. The two are different. And people who love many things can never be happy just with that. The same has happened with me.
We actually all search for the one package that contain work that we love, where we can be passionately productive without any bindings & the job; all of which equals the career. So there’s WORK, PASSION, PRODUCTIVITY, JOB & THE CAREER! I don’t think we can find it in one place. And maybe that's a good thing because you will go more places & do so much more.
Also, with time feelings about career goes through a change depending on the actual content you are working for. I don’t know what you feel about the content of your work but for me advertising had no meaning after 8 yrs since I questioned what is the hard work & energy for? Shampoos, soaps, apparels & appearances? So after 8-9 yrs I discovered this is not my career. If you feel you are not working to your capacity then maybe you want to do more things which don’t have to be a typical “career” but it’s probably something you want to do innovatively & constructively to grow as a person.
Do you realize I have smartly assumed that you teach !!!! |
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 12, 2015 6:45:30 GMT -8
And thanks for suggesting the book. Will try to get it.
I think all of us addicts have point 2 & 3 insecurities.I avoid crowds too. Lately I realized I've been avoiding cues at the grocery store or the bank. So I've been trying to observe myself & control it. And I am exactly like you, confident & smart but after a point of time I need to get away. But hey it's no crime. We are built that way. I've always found that its good to get away. Helps with introspection so much.
I have fear of entrapment by the guy's family. Maybe that's why marriage has been a scary prospect for me.
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 12, 2015 9:10:03 GMT -8
Thanks so much for you support! And in 2009ish when I was a graduate student, I taught Basic Writing at a community college for about a year and a half. I enjoyed it, but didn't feel as though grad school was fulfilling me, and I also felt "trapped" teaching. So, both went by the wayside.
I returned to my family business (vitamin supplements and worked in the marketing department writing all the brochures, catalogs and newsletters, etc. and doing design work (probably my favorite and most tolerated thing to do because I could work from home). And then, for two years, I was the president of a woman's organization and ran that, as part of my plan to network more for my family business and gain more insight into business. Again, felt trapped and left. Anyway, last september, I opened up a cafe and smoothie bar. Did all the design work, all the decorating, created an entire small business from SCRATCH, and it has taken off. Truly. People love the products. But now...I feel trapped and want to sell it! UGH.
Talking to you, I'm able to see the repeat pattern of bailing out on jobs because of a sense of entrapment. On the other hand, I can't say I miss any of my past jobs enough to go back. I like your take on the creative individual who might never be satisfied with just one thing. But...I really would like to find something that earns me enough money to support my family on my own. You know.
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 12, 2015 10:00:41 GMT -8
I completely agree with the earning money side. It is something that we not only need but it empowers us as financially independent individuals. I go into a hole & become depressed these days when my money flow is hampered since I work on projects now.
So wait. You don't have to sell the place because you are feeling trapped. It will be really sad since its doing well & you know its your baby! Instead, do you have enough hands & heads in your staff who can take some real responsibility off you. I am saying this because it sounds like you are good with art designing. So maybe along with the business you can think about designing & painting - whatever you like. Either digitally or if you have a space at home you can make a small studio, go old fashioned style. This will not fetch you money at first but if you produce work & then exhibit it, then later on the money can come in too. I understand this can be difficult with family & kids but its a thought. Sounds like you can be a really good art director. Have you ever considered a short term fine arts course?
I'll tell you why I am saying this. When I was working full time, I also decided to go back to my studies simply coz I wanted to. I did my MA & then my Pre Doctoral Thesis. My work was in media which I loved & it fetched me money. My studies & thesis did not fetch me money but I merged two things which I loved in my thesis - novels & films. So my thesis was on adaptations. So the satisfaction is huge in doing both. But in my case, I am a single woman. So it was a bit easier to handle full time job & studies (which for me is work) together. In your case you might have more than a handful. But you are a really creative individual. I see it as an objective outsider. It's there in your blog, it's in the fact that you have the book to work on & it's right here in these boards in your ability to help others.
I was also thinking about one more thing. You have trouble with point 3. Right? Which includes Procrastination. Now we procrastinators are scared of success or failure. In your case are you scared of success? The fact that success puts more responsibility on us, hence there will be more expectations from us, hence our fear is that we will be trapped by the success (because the responsibility will leave us no room for ourselves) or we might not be able to stand up to others or our own expectations - these are the typical deep rooted fears of us procrastinators. Correct? Are you scared of this? In my case I am scared of failure, so I procrastinate in bringing about change.
The only other thing I can think of is guilt. Are you feeling guilty for any reason coz of your success?
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Babysteps
Junior Member
I will beat this addiction-I will learn to love and accept myself exactly as I am-I will be free :)
Posts: 58 
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Post by Babysteps on Mar 13, 2015 2:14:05 GMT -8
I love this thread - moonlitvein so much insigight into your self esteem is such a fantastic step forward. I would just reccommend not putting to much pressure on yourself. Somethings are just the way we are, we shouldn't analyse just accept that these personality traits are what makes us special and unique. Not an excuse for bad behaviour but just an understanding of our DNA. The QUIET book that @lovelyjune recommended is a must read. Opened my eyes to so much of my past behaviours....I too am an intovert (though I also have some extrovert tendanacies) and I now understand why I avoid crowds, why I need some quiet time every now and then, and why on occasions I go quiet in group social situations or even feel the need to go home. Also, if I may wade into the career conversation I agree totally with you moonlitvein. I believe there are very different people in the world. Those who are happy to stay in the same job forever and grow within that company and those who need variety and change. I also worked full time and studied - two very contrasting areas - and this satisfied / merged several of my needs and for a while I felt very settled . I am now looking for a different career direction. We are all built differently and what works for one may not work for another, neither way is right or wrong. It is society that dictates that we must stay in one job and work hard for 50 odd years, but it is not so black and white anymore...you need to plan for the future and retirment but you also need to make sure you are happy right now. A healthy balance of the two. @lovelyjune setting up a buisness, seeing it take off and then getting bored in my mind is totally normal! Some people need constant challenge and change and again that is just the make up of who they are. I know in your case you have a family to think of, but I am confident that if it came to it you would do everything necssary to make sure that they are all finacially secure. Keeping your business but having someone else take care of the day to day, focusing on your book and family would perhaps merge some of these feelings that moonlitvein referred to. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 13, 2015 2:36:33 GMT -8
Trust me, if it made more money, I would be able to pay someone to run it. But it's not there yet. It's only been open since October 1. I do, however, have a staff of six that are paid minimum wage and take away some of my hours. So, that helps. But, honestly, if I deeply evaluate it, there's no guilt, nor fear of failure or success. In fact, having a small business where others depend upon you, forces you out of your natural inclination to procrastinate (that's possibly a deep rooted problem! I would PREFER to procrastinate, as that is my nature, but I cannot!) And of course, that would then naturally lead to fear of entrapment. I think if I could come up with a perfect "career" for myself it would be--get this--a travel consultant, or a small business consultant. I love advising and organizing actions and tasks into manageable chunks for others. And it would allow me to utilize all my creative skills. But, and this is one of my biggest insecurities and self-sabotaging qualities, I have never remained anywhere long enough to gain the skills and experience to become an expert in any one field (love addiction and nutrition are two exceptions, the latter of which I have certifications in and use at the smoothie bar). At any rate, thank you both for your help and encouragement. It will take a while to figure this out, but as long as I face it, I stand a chance of figuring it all out. |
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Post by SeasonsChange on Mar 13, 2015 11:25:20 GMT -8
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 13, 2015 22:41:35 GMT -8
Trust me, if it made more money, I would be able to pay someone to run it. But it's not there yet. It's only been open since October 1. I do, however, have a staff of six that are paid minimum wage and take away some of my hours. So, that helps. But, honestly, if I deeply evaluate it, there's no guilt, nor fear of failure or success. In fact, having a small business where others depend upon you, forces you out of your natural inclination to procrastinate (that's possibly a deep rooted problem! I would PREFER to procrastinate, as that is my nature, but I cannot!) And of course, that would then naturally lead to fear of entrapment. I think if I could come up with a perfect "career" for myself it would be--get this--a travel consultant, or a small business consultant. I love advising and organizing actions and tasks into manageable chunks for others. And it would allow me to utilize all my creative skills. But, and this is one of my biggest insecurities and self-sabotaging qualities, I have never remained anywhere long enough to gain the skills and experience to become an expert in any one field (love addiction and nutrition are two exceptions, the latter of which I have certifications in and use at the smoothie bar). At any rate, thank you both for your help and encouragement. It will take a while to figure this out, but as long as I face it, I stand a chance of figuring it all out. Ya absolutely. You are going to figure it out. I think you are such a go - getter. And oh by the way - a smoothie bar! Yummy  |
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 13, 2015 23:06:20 GMT -8
Hi. Thanks At this point I also want to be accountable about doing things a bit constructively. That's why I am doing the exercises from the book here. This board is the best place where I can stick with like minded people who really understand this entire issue about investing & focusing on ourselves. As they say about Women Who Run with the Wolves. Stick with your pack & community. LovelyJune's username is telmita. So whenever you want to tag her type telmita & then put the @ sign before it. She'll get tagged. |
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 13, 2015 23:16:47 GMT -8
I love this thread - moonlitvein so much insigight into your self esteem is such a fantastic step forward. I would just reccommend not putting to much pressure on yourself. Somethings are just the way we are, we shouldn't analyse just accept that these personality traits are what makes us special and unique. Not an excuse for bad behaviour but just an understanding of our DNA. The QUIET book that @lovelyjune recommended is a must read. Opened my eyes to so much of my past behaviours....I too am an intovert (though I also have some extrovert tendanacies) and I now understand why I avoid crowds, why I need some quiet time every now and then, and why on occasions I go quiet in group social situations or even feel the need to go home. Also, if I may wade into the career conversation I agree totally with you moonlitvein. I believe there are very different people in the world. Those who are happy to stay in the same job forever and grow within that company and those who need variety and change. I also worked full time and studied - two very contrasting areas - and this satisfied / merged several of my needs and for a while I felt very settled . I am now looking for a different career direction. We are all built differently and what works for one may not work for another, neither way is right or wrong. It is society that dictates that we must stay in one job and work hard for 50 odd years, but it is not so black and white anymore...you need to plan for the future and retirment but you also need to make sure you are happy right now. A healthy balance of the two. @lovelyjune setting up a buisness, seeing it take off and then getting bored in my mind is totally normal! Some people need constant challenge and change and again that is just the make up of who they are. I know in your case you have a family to think of, but I am confident that if it came to it you would do everything necssary to make sure that they are all finacially secure. Keeping your business but having someone else take care of the day to day, focusing on your book and family would perhaps merge some of these feelings that moonlitvein referred to. Thanks Babysteps And congrats on the degree on getting your MSc. I have already started Quiet. I actually love that I am an introvert. And I love & respect my solitude though I do spend a lot of time with friends & family. I know it can be such a great boost to the self esteem to work & study together. I also believe in self study a lot. I think that's what actually makes us grow & not degrees. Degrees are of course important for the practical purposes. The content of the courses is what matters the most. Right now my self study is me. Who am I & what do I want to do? The focus is on this board & a few books I have chosen. |
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 14, 2015 2:03:57 GMT -8
Exercise 4: Make a list of the way I've helped others:
I believe I am a compassionate person & I show my compassion to others.
This is specially true for older people & people who might suddenly need help on the road.
1. I tend to give my seat in the bus to an elderly person
2. Last month I was walking to my friends house & a young man suddenly fell on the road. One neighbour was already reaching out to help him but I realized he wouldn't have been able to pick him up alone. So I reached out for the man too to pick him up & I immediately realized he was a differently-abled person. (I have worked with differently abled persons before,so I knew). The neighbour asked him where his glasses were? I saw they were lying far away on the road. It must have come off when he fell flat on the road so badly. I handed it over to him. The young man needed quite some time before he could get up. Me & his neighbour waited with him. In the meantime another neighbour came to us to help. They took him home after the man could stand up. I have realized that many people feel inhibited/scared about helping others/strangers. But most of the time I have realized I don't. I have realized I can reach out with a clear heart.
3. Recently a young boy who worked for us for a short while is looking for a job. He called me hoping to get some contacts. I don't have a job myself right now! I am hunting! But I wanted to help him in whatever way I could. He is young. He's starting out. He was on edge about what will happen. So I gave him numbers & who he could talk to or approach.
4. I am always there to help my friends & family. Always have been.
5. I am helping 2 friends right now who are going through extremely difficult situations. My clear thinking helps them even though it can be harsh on them sometimes.
6. Lastly I can't really do any of the above without helping myself which is an ongoing process.
So... capable of COMPASSION & SUPPORT. I just found out another positive trait about myself.
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 18, 2015 1:06:30 GMT -8
Exercise 5:
How is my attitude? In this exercise I have to make a list which are an indication of my attitude towards myself & others:
A) Are you quick to step forward towards others in need?
Yes, most of the time I am. Even for strangers. My basic belief is that people should come forward to help other people. But there have been times when I've been inhibited. When this happens I find it very difficult to forgive myself for a long long time. I feel I lack courage. I feel I'm a coward & haven't been able to stand up to protect someone. This could also mean that I am addicted towards protecting knowing that it is not always possible to do that. It also means that I am too insecure to believe in the other person's capabilities. (I just wrote 3 positive sentences to this answer & 6 negative sentences about myself here, is it my LSE that's coming down so hard on me?)
B) Do you treat others with respect?
My instant response is Yes. But at the back of my mind something says not necessarily. I often don't respect the person closest to me because she has not done so many things in her life/rather have gone through the daily chores of life which I don't like. I feel resentful. But that doesn't mean this person has no value. In fact she is immensely valuable to me. She has managed & held herself up in tough times in so many ways. Just like I have.
I also often tend to judge people harshly by condemning them as hypocritical or "so called educated" if their values do not match with my own values of being "independent" or "seeking my life". I also lose my respect & patience for people who don't understand/keep asking me every time what I am doing with my life/what kind of career am I in? (While some people definitely still should have my respect, some deliberately keep asking this every time as a rote, not because they are actually interested)
While I was mulling over the above question, a more important one sprang to my mind:
C) Do I respect myself?
I don't know. This was a horrifying answer to receive from myself. I love myself, I like myself, so why wouldn't I respect myself? Before I try to answer that first of all I realize that if I can't respect myself, I can't respect others. That is why I can be sceptical of people, when their interests do not match mine, ignoring the value they have as individuals, or perhaps seeing them as less. Perhaps this is because I see myself as less.
Ok, so then why do I not respect myself? What could be the possible reasons:
- I've not been able to stand up to my parents & adults as a child
- I feel I've not been able to stand up to my mother in some situations yrs back even as an adult
- I have not been able to say No to people ( personal & professional space - men/authority especially)
- I have been labelled as "nice" & "introvert" in the professional space
- I hate confrontations
- I don't carry out my plans within deadlines
- I don't have certain luxury items which I should be able to afford by now
- I obsess/fantasise/talk to myself instead of focusing
Countering the above with positive attitudes:
- A child is vulnerable & rarely able to stand up in the adult world. So was I. As an adult there is no need to lose my self respect for that. If I felt vulnerable & couldn't stand up because of dynamics & stress that adults were going through it is not my responsibility. I, as a child/teenager was not responsible. So let me not drag someone else's responsibility into mine, today.
- What happened yrs back as an adult has opened my eyes slowly & I have been conscious about calmly speaking my mind about what's right & what's wrong most of the time. I can't bring back the past but I can continue to attempt to speak my mind at present.
- I say No to people now. (In the personal space I often say it flatly). In the professional space I might have to do it diplomatically or steer my way through in a tricky manner BUT I HAVE DONE IT.
- People like nice people. So forget the label. Friends like me because I am nice. And I like me because I am an introvert. It gives me the power to introspect & love solitude. I am also a great listener with a clear head. Besides I am going to read Quiet & get a lot of perspective. Have already got the book.
- I do stand up to confront. Just because I hate confrontations doesn't mean I run away. I face it.
- Ok. I have missed a deadline. Set a new deadline & stick. Stick to it in order to gain self respect back because self discipline feels good.
- I want many luxury things. Many I have already been able to afford. So what if I couldn't afford one!!
- I can/will/am channelise/channelising my fantasy/obsessions into a creative healthy outlet.
SO IN SHORT I WILL LIVE IN THE PRESENT & NOT IN THE PAST IN ORDER TO GAIN MY SELF RESPECT.
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 20, 2015 7:44:41 GMT -8
Exercise 5: Contd.
How is my attitude? In this exercise I have to make a list which are an indication of my attitude towards myself & others:
D) Am I demanding of others? No. I am not. I am sure about this. But let's look at another thing.
Am I vocal about my needs?
Being demanding & being vocal are completely different. I was just about to confuse the two but then checked myself. So no, I have often not been vocal about my real needs or what I really want. (Especially in my relationships with men.) I have kept quiet about genuine needs thinking that if I talked too much about it then I will be a demanding/needy/nagging woman. My fear was that the man will eventually lose his attraction for me. And, I will lose the man. Because women who are vocal about their needs lose their men!!!
So for a long time I have gone along according to the man's needs or what he required from the relationship. I have suffered silently but taken pride in this thinking that I have so much control that I don't suffocate men!!! That's why men like me, they are attracted to me!!! This has been my belief for a long time. Well I lost them anyway or they eventually lost me.
E) Do I think of myself as better or inferior to others?
It depends. When it comes to authority figures(men, most of the time) whom I perceive to be "successful" & who have "achieved" something in their field, I tend to feel inferior to them even if I am aware of their flaws very well. I tend to feel inferior even when I genuinely respect their work. I always tend to ask myself: "Why would they like me? I haven't really achieved anything. Am I really interesting for them? How can they find ME interesting? Why would they care about my opinion?
But when I have spotted flaws in a female authority figure I tend to look down on her. I feel my views are "higher" than her, hence I feel superior.
As far as my contemporaries, friends, family or anyone is concerned I don't see anyone as my equal. I have never seen a single man I have been with as my equal! I have always viewed them either as inferior or superior than me. Most of the time it's the latter.
I am shocked to even realize this. I always believe that every human being exists first & foremost as a person & an individual and here I am, writing that I can't think of a single person who I feel is my equal! Of course I won't. How can I when I am myself considering people to be too superior & am inhibited by them at some level or I consider them to be too inferior & condescendingly pass judgements? This arises out of my own complex to view myself as a whole being, who exists in her own right.
This kind of attitude must stop. Suddenly I feel I am all alone in a plane (not aircraft) with no one.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 20, 2015 13:30:00 GMT -8
This "feeling" indicates that you are self-alienated. It is an erroneous feeling because it is not true. You are with yourself and all your alter egos and you are with God. You are also surrounded by your friends on the board. Dismiss this feeling if you can. Turn to a happy channel. Get out. Connect. They say is AA that "this is a disease of isolation," and that this is why peer support is important in recovery (the reason therapy is not enough." I can state this with utmost certainty. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I feel an affirmation coming on. . . I am not alone despite my feelings. My loneliness with pass. It has a life-span. I will better soon. The true about being surrounded by love will overwhelm me soon. I am ok. I love myself. I love God. I love people I have not met yet. Memorize this. Write your own allegory about someone named "Sad." Check out "Where Love Abides." Read the story of "The Ugly Duckling." |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 20, 2015 13:33:12 GMT -8
This "feeling" indicates that you are self-alienated. It is an erroneous feeling because it is not true. You are with yourself and all your alter egos and you are with God. You are also surrounded by your friends on the board. Dismiss this feeling if you can. Turn to a happy channel. Get out. Connect. They say in AA that "this is a disease of isolation." (This is why peer support is important in recovery--the reason therapy is not enough.) I can state this with utmost certainty. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I feel an affirmation coming on. . . I am not alone despite my feelings. My loneliness with pass. It has a life-span. I will better soon. The true about being surrounded by love will overwhelm me soon. I am ok. I love myself. I love God. I love people I have not met yet. Memorize this. Write your own allegory about someone named "Sadly." Check out "Where Love Abides." Read the story of "The Ugly Duckling." Do something. Take action. |
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 21, 2015 9:11:43 GMT -8
Yes. You are right Susan. I am not alone. I am absolutely certain of this too & I am okay. . Thank you for bringing me back. Self alienation is another thing you have given me to think about. I will check your book & revisit Ugly Duckling again. And what a great idea about the allegory. I read your post in the morning & then went out to handle some important work. On my way back in the bus I looked up at the sky & felt overwhelmed by its vastness & thought how we all exist together under & within it. I felt even more connected to all of you here. Love Moonlit. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 21, 2015 13:32:12 GMT -8
Yes. You are right Susan. I am not alone. I am absolutely certain of this too & I am okay. . Thank you for bringing me back. Self alienation is another thing you have given me to think about. I will check your book & revisit Ugly Duckling again. And what a great idea about the allegory. I read your post in the morning & then went out to handle some important work. On my way back in the bus I looked up at the sky & felt overwhelmed by its vastness & thought how we all exist together under & within it. I felt even more connected to all of you here. Love Moonlit. Lack of eye contact, neglect, and abandonment are all taken seriously by the child who is at that stage of development when they feel responsible for everything going on around them. They blame themselves for even the sadness of a parent. I call this "mom sad; me bad." In small amounts this leads to low self-esteem. Also shame and self-hatred. Sometimes self-mutilation. In the worst case scenario it leads to a rejection of the self and self-alienation. This is explained in the book, The Primal Scream. Here is a link to an explanation on my website. No need to order the whole book. www.brightertomorrow.net/Original%20Wound.pdf |
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 21, 2015 22:59:51 GMT -8
Thanks Susan
At one reading many things are beginning to make sense. Incidents that I now think of as not too devastating enough as an adult were actually traumatic for me as a child. I have to give this a lot of thought since shame & self hatred is something I've been feeling.
I want to know about the concept of denial more clearly.
Love
Moonlit.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 22, 2015 16:54:13 GMT -8
Thanks Susan,I want to know about the concept of denial more clearly. Love Moonlit. Denial is anything that has been buried in your sub-conscious because it is too painful to think and feel about. I was in "denial" when I started therapy. I told my therapist I came from a very happy home. What a joke that turned out to be. Denial is broken by Freudian slips and dreams. Also flashbacks and hypnotherapy. And of course there is the proverbial crisis or "hitting rock bottom." Some times the dam bursts. Other times it just leaks. The great folk story about denial is the little Dutch boy who puts his finger in the gay woman.  |
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 23, 2015 9:31:55 GMT -8
Okay. Thanks Susan. I will look it up in detail now.
Love
Moonlit
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 24, 2015 12:09:27 GMT -8
Thanks Susan,I want to know about the concept of denial more clearly. I want to note that there is a positive side to denial. Disassociation for a child who is molested is important until she is old enough to deal with it. I met a man who lost his legs on train tracks and he could not remember the incident. God wiped his brain clear to spare him. If you are unsure, err of the side of revelation, but do not force it on others unless you are sure the intervention is what they need. Professional opinions can help. I submit this caution because I had a client who killed herself after an intervention. It was not properly handled. IMO |
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Regarding a few of the things on your list, go read the book Quiet, about introversion. It might help you immensely. Things like "need for excessive amount of breaks" signals that you may simply need to retreat more in order to recharge yourself. This is a trait of an introvert. 
