Post by cupidcome on Mar 14, 2015 13:35:05 GMT -8
Dude I'm so sad. Some how managed to fool myself into thinking I can be friends with my poa or he isn't a poa or something. I'm lying to myself saying I can just do boundaries.
I realized his girlfriend is like an even bigger doormat than I am. And she isn't going to go away for any reason, at least not for a long time. She's OK with him doing heroin, OK with him always smelling of smoke and he's not a smoker. And she like does everything he wants during sex. He said she does certain things I physically cannot. Honestly, when I hear him talking about quitting heroin all I hear is that I'm gonna start a family with my girlfriend she's great. I can quit too, but me and my boyfriend are at a point where we'll probably break up if I quit. Sometimes I feel like there is no point in quitting if I can't have poa, but the guilt that I lost my chance with him from this addiction makes me want to quit, because I what if it's not too late?
I'm sure that he doesn't realize how painful it is for me to know he's with someone else. He doesn't deserve that guilt. Like I know it makes him uncomfortable when he comes over and I get really depressed and negative and I cry. I like it when he makes me feel better, but he like isn't the type of person to keep pleasuring my LA like that. I would rather be able to keep it together around him.
I just told him about poa two, as like an explanation of why I'm so depressed right now. And hopefully a hint to quit rubbing my face in his relationship. So now he just like thinks I'm really really hung up on another guy.
I don't think there is any reason to tell him how I feel about him. I don't think he would understand. Obviously not going to break up with his girlfriend for me.
Today I just felt like, he seemed so disappointed when I relapsed, but he didn't ever see me in person for like a month or two after I got out of jail.
I'm like missing work and !@#$%ing up my money over a guy AGAIN.
I just like can't do this to myself. Man, there is gonna be a big hole in my life where our friendship was and like a huge loneliness where my love addiction isn't being fed anymore.
I don't know what to do. I've never been in a situation where I would have to tell the poa we need to have nc. I feel horrible.
He's going on a two week vacation with his girlfriend, so he'll be off dope when he gets back. I might go to detox during that time. The problem is I'm still gonna be hung up on him when he gets back. If he's using, its nc for sure and with a good reason. If he's not using, then like I still can't have contact and I want to so bad. I hate the thought of him knowing how sad I am over this. It gets harder and harder to be stoic.
I also feel like we can't be friends cause I'll eventually act too crazy and hell leave.
Sad.
I realized his girlfriend is like an even bigger doormat than I am. And she isn't going to go away for any reason, at least not for a long time. She's OK with him doing heroin, OK with him always smelling of smoke and he's not a smoker. And she like does everything he wants during sex. He said she does certain things I physically cannot. Honestly, when I hear him talking about quitting heroin all I hear is that I'm gonna start a family with my girlfriend she's great. I can quit too, but me and my boyfriend are at a point where we'll probably break up if I quit. Sometimes I feel like there is no point in quitting if I can't have poa, but the guilt that I lost my chance with him from this addiction makes me want to quit, because I what if it's not too late?
I'm sure that he doesn't realize how painful it is for me to know he's with someone else. He doesn't deserve that guilt. Like I know it makes him uncomfortable when he comes over and I get really depressed and negative and I cry. I like it when he makes me feel better, but he like isn't the type of person to keep pleasuring my LA like that. I would rather be able to keep it together around him.
I just told him about poa two, as like an explanation of why I'm so depressed right now. And hopefully a hint to quit rubbing my face in his relationship. So now he just like thinks I'm really really hung up on another guy.
I don't think there is any reason to tell him how I feel about him. I don't think he would understand. Obviously not going to break up with his girlfriend for me.
Today I just felt like, he seemed so disappointed when I relapsed, but he didn't ever see me in person for like a month or two after I got out of jail.
I'm like missing work and !@#$%ing up my money over a guy AGAIN.
I just like can't do this to myself. Man, there is gonna be a big hole in my life where our friendship was and like a huge loneliness where my love addiction isn't being fed anymore.
I don't know what to do. I've never been in a situation where I would have to tell the poa we need to have nc. I feel horrible.
He's going on a two week vacation with his girlfriend, so he'll be off dope when he gets back. I might go to detox during that time. The problem is I'm still gonna be hung up on him when he gets back. If he's using, its nc for sure and with a good reason. If he's not using, then like I still can't have contact and I want to so bad. I hate the thought of him knowing how sad I am over this. It gets harder and harder to be stoic.
I also feel like we can't be friends cause I'll eventually act too crazy and hell leave.
Sad.
