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Post by dawneva on Mar 21, 2015 8:38:39 GMT -8
I didn't uphold my values when I chose my husband. There are things between us that should have been deal breakers. Now we're on the verge of becoming empty nesters and I'm lonely. I wonder if our marriage should end or if the fault is mine because I lack integrity.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 21, 2015 13:40:38 GMT -8
I didn't uphold my values when I chose my husband. There are things between us that should have been deal breakers. Now we're on the verge of becoming empty nesters and I'm lonely. I wonder if our marriage should end or if the fault is mine because I lack integrity. In all honesty, this is true for me too. I think, maybe, my list of ingredients in a healthy relationship was a bit idealistic. But I love my husband, and he loves me. That never happened in the old days. He cooks, cleans, and holds me at night. In the old days I was beaten, robbed, and not even loved. So I am not going anywhere.
Grow old along with me. The best is yet to be. The last of life, For which the first was made.
Susan
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 22, 2015 4:07:57 GMT -8
Good question. Only you can answer it. A great starting point is to see if, at this point in your lives, you two share the same values. Start writing.
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Post by dawneva on Mar 22, 2015 17:03:14 GMT -8
I like the suggestion to write about my values. Perhaps seeing the words on paper will help me be realistic and not idealistic.
My needs are not met now that I'm no longer in an affair. I miss my AP terribly.
He and his family are still friends, but he's been so respectful of my decision to end the affair and behavior that I labelled as inappropriate, that his interactions with me are now friendly but almost cold. He's just my friend's husband" now. He knows I'd go back with him in weak moments. He's stronger and has more integrity than I. I still get excited when a message pops up on my screen from him. I know I'm still healing.
Its funny, but my affair tought me about gentleness, communication and respect, things that are lacking in my marriage now.
My husband and I had far more intimate conversations early in our relationship. As the veil of limerance lifted, he retreated and separated from me emotionally. I miss that terribly. I get intimate conversation from no one now.
We struggle to even talk about the business of running our household. He makes decisions secretly, unilaterally. I don't know why its difficult for him to talk about money and schedules.
And sex... It was good in the early days. Were older now and have aches and pains... but he won't talk about how we can improve things.
I know its cliche to say a good relationship starts with good communication, but its so true. I've only had good communication with my AP. In other relationships different pieces were the strength. I suppose with my husband we succeeded at raising kids to adulthood. Now what?
I will clarify for myself what my values really are. Then I'll ask my husband to sit down with me, maybe with a counsellor, so I may share.
Living the second half of my life married but lonely isn't acceptable to me.
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 23, 2015 4:59:36 GMT -8
Living the second half of my life married but lonely isn't acceptable to me. This is a major value and should go on your list. When we have values that others do not share, we (and they) have a choice: divorce and go your separate ways, or try to work it out and move towards SHARING and RESPECTING the same values. Both are hard choices to make, but being true to your VALUES is critical for a happy, healthy life.
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Post by SeasonsChange on Mar 23, 2015 13:39:29 GMT -8
I whole-heartedly agree with you LovelyJune dawneva I have been one of the success stories of bringing my values to the table in my marriage and my husband has responded favorably. He had just assumed for the first 20 yrs that I was being straightforward with my needs in the relationship when in actuality I was very silent and suffering inwardly thinking that was the right thing to do. When I (through much upheaval and difficulty) began to make my needs known ( I need more face-to-face time everyday. I need him to be able to listen to me about my feelings, desires and dreams. I need to be able to ask clarifying questions and not get shut down for it. I need to not be controlled when I'm emotional.) he began to respond and make efforts to meet me and give me what I so desperately needed in our relationship. It has changed our lives. And even though I still have to make constant inner choices to step away from love addiction it's so much more simple when I am fully communicating with a husband who is willing to connect with me.
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 24, 2015 2:46:54 GMT -8
Any man who is willing to meet your needs and work with you on your values, is a good man. One of the things that was not on my values list but was on my husband's when we first started dating was, "I will always be willing to communicate and work out our problems." I found it charming that this was so important to him. And he has really stayed true to that value of his, and it has since become a value of mine.
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Post by dawneva on Mar 24, 2015 7:53:10 GMT -8
I carefully, respectfully, shared one of my values with my husband last night. It was shot down as something he didn't want to talk about or work on because he's too tired. He is frequently too tired unless its his need, of course.
Several months ago a counsellor asked him to listen to me while I answered a question. She stopped me and made sure I noticed he wasn't listening.
Both the counsellor, family and friends want me to leave for reasons of emotional and financial abuse. Many loved ones have separated themselves from me. I tried to leave a couple of months ago. I asked everyone for help. Two acquaintances stepped forward to offer help. Loved ones did not. I packed and drove away to stay in the next town with an acquaintance. My car broke down. I had no way to get to work the next day. I felt I had no one to help me then. I had to text my husband to get me. It was weeks before I heard the end of that incident of "going to visit friends in the country."
After last night's repeat of being shot down, I am reminded I need to leave. I just have nowhere to go. I cannot afford a place.
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Post by paisley on Mar 24, 2015 9:04:37 GMT -8
I wouldn't get too caught up in fault.
Although it is good to look at your part so you don't repeat history.
Maybe your next call should be to a lawyer, if you're serious about leaving.
Maybe you can arrange things financially so that you aren't as dependent upon family and friends as you originally thought.
Leaving takes some major planning. You need an exit strategy.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 24, 2015 11:48:51 GMT -8
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 24, 2015 12:04:16 GMT -8
Living the second half of my life married but lonely isn't acceptable to me. Just make sure your marriage is the source of your loneliness. It also comes from self-alienation and depression or a lack of spirituality in your life.Years ago I found out my loneliness was not from a lack of companionship but from a insufficient relationship with God and myself. The solution to such a deficit can only be found in solitude. Perhaps this is why God has put this estrangement in your life. It may be temporary until your life's task is finished. (To be whole we must all, at some point in our life, find our lost self and spirituality.) This book is about a codependent woman who used activity to fill her hungry heart until she found a personal, private, relationship with God. There are just some holes that people or husbands cannot fill. IMO
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 24, 2015 12:25:24 GMT -8
A farmer does not just look at the dirt, sun and water around him and expect to grow a garden. He plants a seed. And he waits. And he waters. And he weeds. If you want to leave, you must lay the foundation first. Plant the seed. Then TEND to that seed for however long it takes. When I began to question my marriage and if I'd be OK on my own, I didn't just leave. I went back to school. I got a degree. I got an internship. I went to work part time. I figured out ways my babies would be cared for. My passage from marriage to divorced took FIVE years. But I did it successfully, without having to "crawl" back.
Women need to be financially and strategically smart when it comes to divorce. And Paisley is right. Get a good lawyer.
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Post by dawneva on Mar 24, 2015 13:10:55 GMT -8
At this time I cannot afford the thousands of dollars in retainers that lawyers here ask for. I've spoken to three, briefly, and I have some basic questions answered.
Thank you for the books and other suggestions.
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 25, 2015 3:41:27 GMT -8
Where there's a will, there's a way. Part of the problem with women remaining in unhealthy, unsafe marriages is that they simply do not know what resources are available, and, what's more, the process of divorce seems overwhelming. 1. Depending on where you live, there should exist cheaper divorce "centers" that help you create settlement agreements, etc. for a minimal fee. An example of this in NJ is www.thedivorceservice.com BUT, a word of caution, this is probably designed for couples who are in agreement on how to divide the assets. Dividing the assets and who gets the kids and how many days, by the way, is the BIGGEST bone of contention between couples. If you can peacefully figure out how to divide things, you don't exactly need to pay high lawyer fees. 2. There are also "mitigators" who help couples divide assets. They are much cheaper than lawyers. 3. Depending on your reasons for divorce and your financial situation, you could possibly request a "court appointed" lawyer to help you, which typically costs nothing. 4. Lastly, if you do not think you are ready for divorce yet because you cannot "afford" to live on your own, start to think of ways to improve your skills, acquire more knowledge and experience and start working towards supporting yourself NOW. It's a win win. If you stay married, you'll bring in more money. If you divorce, you'll be able to live on your own. Whatever the case, improving your SELF is key.
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Post by paisley on Mar 25, 2015 9:04:57 GMT -8
Great advice from LJ.
My divorce was very inexpensive to file because I drew up everything myself and went over it with my ex until we agreed.
You can do a do it yourself divorce with minimal or no services from a lawyer if you can agree.
Definitely beef up your skills and earning potential so you can make your decisions on where to live based on choice rather than necessity.
Ending a love addiction cycle entails rescuing yourself.
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Post by dawneva on Mar 28, 2015 13:08:16 GMT -8
I fall in love easily. I find myself falling in love with clients, even. I don't mean romantic or sexual feelings, just loving, nurturing, helping. I do fall in love romantically too easily, though. I end up in committed relationships with men who aren't fully available to me due to their own marriage, addictions, or emotional issues that lead to abuse.
Thanks again for your ideas.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 29, 2015 11:10:01 GMT -8
This happens to me sometimes. I have decided it is natural in moderation. Psychologists call it counter transference. The client who flew me to Switzerland has become a friend and it was hard for awhile to keep professional boundaries and not fall in love. But I did it. I followed my own advice. Since I am not a licensed therapist I create my own boundaries which I have discussed with many of my therapist friends, and so I can be myself for the most part thank God. One of my old therapists would not even tell me if he was married and he said he could not shake my hand. But I used to hug my sponsor all the time. So I try to find the middle ground. The main thing is to put the client first and not burden them with your fondness for them. For more about boundaries with clients see Lott's book, In Session.
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