|
|
Post by SeasonsChange on Mar 31, 2015 9:40:27 GMT -8
I don't know if this is an appropriate place for this thread: but I just had to post this today.
I have been going through Harville Hendrix's book: Keeping the Love You Find
Today was about analyzing your ideas about marriage and men and women's roles based on the experience of your parent's marriage. OH. MY. GOSH. this was SO eye opening. (And made me feel a little sick.)
Here is what I came up with.
What I have believed about Men:
They are not to be held responsible (directly). They are incapable of the ability or desire to go deep, to uncover their hearts or to be vulnerable.
They are boys in big bodies and shouldn't be expected to perform for a woman - the only way that will ever happen (male maturity) is if I pray, influence, passively coerce him into seeing the light and then almost as if by magic, everything will change all at once.
Men have to be changed…against their natural desire.
What I have believed about Women:
Women wield the power but they have to do it without letting the men know or their fragile egos won't be able to take it. Never bruise a man's ego or make him feel weak in any way. BUT: never actually give him power over you. Never need him, because he will fail you. don't expect him to clean up his own messes - we are the mess cleaners.
Women are superior but it's our job to never let on that we know that or to usurp men's feeling of being in control.
NOTE: this is based on my observations of my parent's marriage not necessarily my current beliefs, but it helped me understand a lot about choices I've made in my marriage and also my fall into love addiction with a man who seemed to be blowing all of my previous notions out of the water, but was still emotionally unavailable, and a seductive withholder.
|
|
|
|
Post by SeasonsChange on Mar 31, 2015 21:46:15 GMT -8
I just find it fascinating to begin to uncover my imago and my subconscious relationship ideas. They are pretty unfulfilling and to put it mildly they s*ck!"
Also what's weird is I had 'accomplished' my ideal in my relationship with my hubby yet I was still unhappy. Imagine that!!??
|
|
|
|
Post by ariabella on Apr 5, 2015 14:18:29 GMT -8
This is a really cool thread and I am.so glad you shared your discoveries!!
|
|
|
|
Post by SeasonsChange on Apr 5, 2015 22:22:15 GMT -8
Thank you ariabella. I hope to continue as I keep going through the book. This particular "session" was enough to chew in for a while. But now I am starting the next part which addresses the lost self and fully integrating with your whole self. Wow, this book must be taken in small doses.  |
|
|
|
Post by SeasonsChange on Apr 13, 2015 20:09:44 GMT -8
I'm not sure if I've made a mistake.
My POA's wife was a friend of mine and when it all came out that I had feelings for him. (Nothing physical ever happened and we never crossed any lines besides becoming good friends...I was the one with the inner feelings that came out one night when I drank too much)
Anyway, yesterday was two years since this happened and I wrote her a letter via Facebook to try and get done closure. We were friends for three years and after the accidental 'confession' that I had feelings for her husband she has not spoken to me. I want to let her know I never intended to hurt her and that I miss her as a friend.
I felt that enough time had passed that maybe she would be able to at least talk to me. Or if not, that I would know where things stood and I would be able to have said my peace. (My therapist told me that it was fine to write get as long as my happiness didn't depend on her response.)
Well she did respond and she said she needs a couple days and I may not want to hear what she has to say.
That's fair. And I appreciate her responding, but now the pain has just come rushing in. I don't know why. It's not that it has anything to do with her husband I feel like I've truly let that go. So this surprises me.
Did I make a mistake?
Should I have not contacted her either?
Now it's done and I will have to just deal with whatever she says. I wasn't expecting to care so much. It's all been in this 'other' place in my head and now it's on the forefront.
I donno if this was making amends or self- torture.
|
|
|
|
Post by loveanimals on Apr 13, 2015 20:55:58 GMT -8
Hi SeasonsChange,
Well from my understanding of that step back when I was a step sponsor, making amends are done if they are to not otherwise harm a person.
You may choose to not hear what she has to say, to just cut contact because I don't think that talking to you would be that beneficial to you or to her if you revealed that you have feelings for her husband.
You can honestly say you made your amends, but that doesn't mean you need an answer back from the other person? And in this case, she may say something that would hurt you?
|
|
|
|
Post by SeasonsChange on Apr 13, 2015 21:22:49 GMT -8
Thank you so much for responding loveanimals I'm not so much working through the steps, but I have just personally wanted to have closure with this particular person. I don't think she will be mean to me...but I am second guessing why I opened this up. I guess I had this fantasy that she would forgive me and we could still be friends. And another fantasy that I never really did anything wrong to her do why did she cut off communication? Either way I want some sense of closure because our paths do cross. Also I don't think the letter I sent caused harm because there was no new information except letting her know I recognize I hurt her and I'm sorry. I did not rehash the past but was clear and concise about wanting to move through the awkwardness of where things stand. But I hear what your saying, it may cause ME harm to have opened this up. |
|
RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
Posts: 1,071
|
Post by RoseNadler on May 31, 2019 13:35:24 GMT -8
I’m presently working through Keeping the Love You Find. It can be challenging. For me (so far), the first set of exercises was the worst - those are the ones where you write down things about all your past relationships.
I’m ashamed that I’ve had so many relationships. I’m ashamed that I’ve screwed things up so many times. I’m ashamed of some of the things I’ve done and some of my behavior.
Going through the exercises about the stages of development was not shame-provoking; but I’m not sure if I’m getting an accurate picture. I find that I have traits of both a pursuer *and* a distancer. A lot of it depends upon the other person in the relationship - how much does he distance or pursue? When L and I were at our best, I found him to be neither too distancing nor too pursuing. (Cue Goldilocks here - he was “just right”, ha ha.)
So, I guess the next set of exercises will ask me to remember things about my parents’ marriage. That could be interesting.
|
|
|
|
Post by sexlessw on Jun 1, 2019 3:10:29 GMT -8
lostkate(s2bFoundKate):
Thanks for BUMPING this thread. I wonder what happened with SeasonsChange. I should give her a shout out from the future & thank her for the information she received from Harville Hendrix (and you too).
Studying one's parent's marriage is an excellent way to parse the ideas of male and female actions and why you hold certain beliefs. Heck, I have seen those instances at work in my life - my grandparents and parents. It's generational.
As for being ashamed of PRIOR behavior - many of us have felt that. Self-work exercises are so revealing - and after a while - after you have "digested" the self information - you will forgive yourself for your PRIOR actions. What did you know at the time? Now you have knowledge.
If I'm not mistaken, your first therapy session is this week. Please let us know, if you feel okay about it, how it goes. Power vibes to you and L.
FWIW I'll happily give you and L the Goldilocks and the Three Bears award. I won't give you a too soft bed or too cold porridge!
|
|
