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Post by midnightcry on Apr 26, 2015 18:44:33 GMT -8
I have a male recovery friend that I have known for about six months. He seemed to trigger me, I could not tell if it was attraction or a trigger. It was trigger, he torked the love addict switch. I called him and left a message asking him if he had another recovery friends phone number as a friend had died and we were trying to contact this person. He sends a text back the next day, he sends the text from hell. " I don't have there number, you told me they were a jerk. Do not text me or attempt to contact me in any way. I hope you get the help you need for your many problems." Guess what I blew a gasket. I blew up his phone. I realized he was a love avoidant. A male alky in AA. I should have know he was a trigger and not just a friend. My LA has not been triggered in many years but I guess it just lies dormant. Then someone comes along who is mean as a snake and spins me around. I was in such a rage I was on the verge of smashing stuff in the house. I haven't smashed up the house in 19 years. I really went off! I can't stand the defect in me and it puts me in the suicide is an option place. On days like this recovery does not work.
My hair should catch on fire the minute I even stand beside a love/avoidant let alone talk to one. I'm so furious with myself for not recognizing it. In fact it makes me hate myself even more because it seems like the disease is untreatable. I'm meeting a friend for coffee, get out of this house before I smash everything in sight.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 27, 2015 10:40:42 GMT -8
The best analysis I have ever heard about rage and rejection is in Susan Anderson's book, "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. I have an excerpt on my website. See below. It blew my mind because it describes exactly what happens to me when I am ignored, overlooked, rejected, abandoned, forced to wait in line, or in general made to feel invisible (like I was to my mom). Therapists would call it a narcissistic wound. Anderson says it is the "outer child" who gets angry to protect the fragile "inner child." This chapter is a must read. www.brightertomorrow.net/OUTER%20CHILD%20ARTICLE.pdf |
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Post by midnightcry on Apr 28, 2015 14:28:15 GMT -8
Thank You so much. Amazing, new material.
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Post by christabel on May 19, 2016 6:08:17 GMT -8
The best analysis I have ever heard about rage and rejection is in Susan Anderson's book, "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. I have an excerpt on my website. See below. It blew my mind because it describes exactly what happens to me when I am ignored, overlooked, rejected, abandoned, forced to wait in line, or in general made to feel invisible (like I was to my mom). Therapists would call it a narcissistic wound. Anderson says it is the "outer child" who gets angry to protect the fragile "inner child." This chapter is a must read. www.brightertomorrow.net/OUTER%20CHILD%20ARTICLE.pdfmidnightcry's post about being in a rage from a love avoidant reminds me of the way I always react. I know it's based on what you've said in your quote, so I read this about the outer child. I took the quiz it offers and chose half of the 60 questions, so my outer child is definitely in control. I'm better than I have been in the past, because years ago, in my rage of being rejected, ignored or abandoned by a love avoidant, I would go on a rampage and try to destroy the person, even if it destroyed me in the process. Looking back, I'm surprised I didn't go off the deep end. The part I still wrestle with is that when I was a child, I never got to express my emotions, so now when they come out, they come out with 1000+ force and energy from the past. I have a better handle on my latest time of being abandoned, ignored and rejected, but a part of me wants so badly to express those emotions to this person - to yell at him and say all the angry, hateful things I want to say, or send a hateful text or email. But then I wonder if that will be enough, because what if what I need then is acknowledgement of my feelings? So I journal, but boy do I want to rage at the person triggering these feelings in me. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 20, 2016 6:59:46 GMT -8
My Outer Child came out yesterday. I was supposed to meet with the hospice committee regarding my brother-in law. Every time I tried to open up the meeting someone walked in and I had to start over again. So Gretchen takes over and I said, "Is everybody here now? What ever happened to punctuality? Gretchen, my Outer Child, went on for awhile, and then just like I describe in my own book, The Art of Changing, I could see myself doing something I had promised I would not do anymore. So I stopped and then I did the final step, I made amends. Everybody relaxed after tensing up and all ended well. I am a work in progress and I am blessed because I have my own book to guide me. Praise the Lord. P.S. One woman at the meeting said something nice to let me off the hook. I told them about Gretchen, only I called her my "alter ego." Everybody laughed and this woman said, "Everybody has an alter ego. You are not alone." So all is well that ends well. P.S. The Art of Changing never sold a lot so I thought maybe it was not a good book, but a client called me today and said he thought it was "excellent." This feedback has inspired me to promote it a little. So here it is. www.amazon.com/Art-Changing-Your-Path-Better/dp/1587612402 |
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Post by samanta on Aug 15, 2016 17:10:39 GMT -8
I found this thread just in time. I am so angry i want to yell at poa.
This is what I would scream!!!! Feedback someone please:
Dear V,
I made a fool of myself in so many ways!
1. I thought for a while that we actually could be something different than the toxic relationship we always were
2. i kept talking to you in spite of being ignored (Doof! I will never forgive myself for this!)
3. I dismissed the "gut" feeling i always had deep down that you in the position you were back in the 90's being weak physically with me- was NOT right. It was not ethical or professional. I sometimes feel deep inside you are even ashamed of this...you just won't admit it. Not even to yourself.
I was too flattered by your affirmation and attention and overlooked how much you abused my youth, my emotions, my trust, my vulnerabilty- careless of the consequences...which have come all the way to 2016!
4. I tried to live 2016 separate from 1999- as if that could be possible- i truly wish you could have been able to keep your hands (and other things!) to YOURSELF. I recognize my own set of weakensses- i do. The objective difference though was- AGE and EXPERIENCE.
Now you say you don't want to cause any more pain. Well, thank you for caring. I was beginning to think you had no empathy for others whatsoever. I recall you said you didn't want to let me down and hurt me again.....big fail!
It feels like you are running from something. Like you feel you have to. That's special V. Really special. As if i would still want to be anywhere near you after all. Dont worry. If i ever see you i will treat you like a stranger and stay as far away from you as possible. And so will my husband. Don't worry about getting any more emails either. All i ever got near you was heartache and pain- silly me for expecting you to at least apologise. It's not like an apology would undo the damages anyway right? So what am I worrying about.
After being angry for all this i decided anger wasn´t worth it....i am just deeply disappointed.
Disappointed because:
1. Every time you had to choose between looking good/"politically correct" to the world, OR to me, you chose the world V. Ouch.
2. You said this was all about me but in reality it has always been about you. :-(
3. ONCE ASKED YOU WHO I WAS FOR YOU- YOUR ACTIONS HAVE FINALLY ANSWERED THAT QUESTION FOR ME better than your words ever did- I WAS SUPPLY FOR YOUR EGO AND DESIRES. Admitting this to myself has not been easy or pain free.
4. The man i fell in love with never really existed. The man I fell in love with would have never, for no reason whatsoever have left me talking to myself. He would have given me that RESPECT of saying goodbye.
(He does not go around life leaving lose ends and he doesn't signal me a rough "what's up" with his hands from a distance after so long.)
Seeing things more clearly- i can't help thinking my family has always been kind to you. My parents in 99, and Migue at the court 2 weeks ago.
I am holding on to the very last of my fantasy by thinking you'd actually care about all this.
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Post by samanta on Aug 15, 2016 17:11:36 GMT -8
Thanks for reminding me its not useful to scream at a love avoidant
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2017 8:28:05 GMT -8
My Outer Child came out yesterday. I'm feeling a very masculine form of anger and rage at times. I would only describe it as an impulse of the "ID" or my "Shadow" I know that women experience Rage at times. I don't know if it is something deep in the male brain, charged with testosterone, that speaks of very cold ends to complex problems. There is a dark symmetry to acting on some of those ideas. I am truly ashamed to admit that I feel violent at times. It's like the complete inverse of the fantasy "happy ending" but it's a fantasy "bad ending". It only serves to actively propagate the pain of the situation in an outward fashion that affects as many people as possible in order to make them forcibly aware that I am in terrible psychic pain. It's nearly an ultimate form of selfishness. It is the forcible removal of another's free will. Some people (Greeks mostly) considered free will to be, in fact, the image of God in which we are made. And so one could rationally argue that a spirit which removes the free will of others is "Anti-God." This seems to come from the same part of my psyche that serves to protect my very fragile and wounded center. My soul has been stabbed. "Act out to protect yourself and your ideologies", is what it says. "Defend yourself with every ounce of masculine energy you possess. Use the best tools and make the best plans and take your unilateral revenge. You always belonged in hell anyways..." I take a measure of peace to know that truly violent people rarely go around talking vulnerably about their violent feelings. The moments in which I frighten myself with the viability of these dark thoughts, they are truly soul harrowing.  |
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