Post by abetterlife on May 18, 2015 6:49:26 GMT -8
I sit at the park reflecting on this journey. I'm starting the 12 steps and hope to share this as I'm feeling all these feelings. And have an image of my powerlessness throughout my life. I received hope through an image in my heart.
I feel my love addiction has manifested like a tunnel.
The addiction for me is like a tunnel, a deep one. A black hole. At the bottom is a fire, so bright. It is destructive. But it gave me a high. And even though it was destructive it gave me an escape the hole that surrounded me. Before recovery, I stayed stuck in it because I didn't know I could actually CLIMB OUT. I stayed stuck in it to avoid climbing because when I did it was too dark, and I cant see my way. And it's hard to hold on.
I can get so confused because I can always look down and see the fire and it's so bright and familiar I jump back. Even though it burns, I couldn't feel anything! And I stay in it until it burns so deep that the fire gets numb and lets up. When I didn't feel the burning anymore I panicked. When it doesn't consume me, I hold tighter to something that can't be held. I am then exposed and in pain. I covered myself with a temporary protectant of suffering I also feel addicted to and tried to climb again. I decided not to go back. And it dims as I climb. I don't see where I'm going and it's scary, I feel fear. I can see a tiny light but Ive never felt it.
Losing grip, I fall but catch myself. I look down a lot but the fire is still out. I am in withdrawal. Then when the Flames reemerge, it feels so different but it's the same story. I can fall, but the cycle starts again.
I believe now that I cannot climb out alone. The loving and generous support of the fellowship and other recovering love addicts help me to understand the darkness finally! We offer each other footholds and arms outstretched to crawl back up! It's a blessing! It helps me to get higher and higher each time:-) but there is something missing and I lose my way. I learn so much and feel gratitude but somehow get weak again. Something else needs to offer that additional hold to help me rise. A power that can catch me when I fall. Something STRONGER than that fire, stronger than all of us. Something that's already inside of us...To catch us when we get weak. Something that lifts to the point I can see the light when I'm slipping and help me finally climb out. To be free.
And when I get there, the sun will shine and there will be a warm breeze like never before. I'll walk side by side in its arms. I'll walk away from the hole, knowing never to purposely jump back in. I will be joined with many who have climbed out, had the courage I admire so much. Had the faith in a higher power to face the climb.
It might be tempting to fall back in, there will be other holes albeit they are weaker and smaller ones. With that same fire that is so enticing to me. And I'll have to walk around them never forgetting, that the slip back in is not worth the effort back out.
Im feeling vulnerability right now, forgive me if the analogy I've created about this journey seems a little overboard! But it's my truth in my heart right now. Thank you Susan and all the wonderful people here on these boards to allow me to share my deepest feelings and offer support through this.
I feel my love addiction has manifested like a tunnel.
The addiction for me is like a tunnel, a deep one. A black hole. At the bottom is a fire, so bright. It is destructive. But it gave me a high. And even though it was destructive it gave me an escape the hole that surrounded me. Before recovery, I stayed stuck in it because I didn't know I could actually CLIMB OUT. I stayed stuck in it to avoid climbing because when I did it was too dark, and I cant see my way. And it's hard to hold on.
I can get so confused because I can always look down and see the fire and it's so bright and familiar I jump back. Even though it burns, I couldn't feel anything! And I stay in it until it burns so deep that the fire gets numb and lets up. When I didn't feel the burning anymore I panicked. When it doesn't consume me, I hold tighter to something that can't be held. I am then exposed and in pain. I covered myself with a temporary protectant of suffering I also feel addicted to and tried to climb again. I decided not to go back. And it dims as I climb. I don't see where I'm going and it's scary, I feel fear. I can see a tiny light but Ive never felt it.
Losing grip, I fall but catch myself. I look down a lot but the fire is still out. I am in withdrawal. Then when the Flames reemerge, it feels so different but it's the same story. I can fall, but the cycle starts again.
I believe now that I cannot climb out alone. The loving and generous support of the fellowship and other recovering love addicts help me to understand the darkness finally! We offer each other footholds and arms outstretched to crawl back up! It's a blessing! It helps me to get higher and higher each time:-) but there is something missing and I lose my way. I learn so much and feel gratitude but somehow get weak again. Something else needs to offer that additional hold to help me rise. A power that can catch me when I fall. Something STRONGER than that fire, stronger than all of us. Something that's already inside of us...To catch us when we get weak. Something that lifts to the point I can see the light when I'm slipping and help me finally climb out. To be free.
And when I get there, the sun will shine and there will be a warm breeze like never before. I'll walk side by side in its arms. I'll walk away from the hole, knowing never to purposely jump back in. I will be joined with many who have climbed out, had the courage I admire so much. Had the faith in a higher power to face the climb.
It might be tempting to fall back in, there will be other holes albeit they are weaker and smaller ones. With that same fire that is so enticing to me. And I'll have to walk around them never forgetting, that the slip back in is not worth the effort back out.
Im feeling vulnerability right now, forgive me if the analogy I've created about this journey seems a little overboard! But it's my truth in my heart right now. Thank you Susan and all the wonderful people here on these boards to allow me to share my deepest feelings and offer support through this.