Post by nolongerbroken on Jun 21, 2015 8:17:57 GMT -8
This may not be understood like some topics on here. but I am so destitute and tired.
so broken in two,Didnt know where else to go this morning.Havent eaten much or slept much in a few days. I tried to call 3 prayer lines today.one the guy didn't want to talk to me or even know what I needed prayer about .he had other calls waiting and just gave me a 2 second prayer and kicked me off. I called crying too, The next one didn't even seem like a prayer line ,it was CTNs prayer line and I started to talk through my tears about how I didnt want to live in a world with pornography anymore and she said so mean and hateful and im not exaggerating any" if youre going to cry I cant help you'.
I said I cant help it and tried to say it again and she said."Thats it, I cant understand you if youre just going to cry". So I could barely speak and I said really quietly "nevermind". She goes"THANK YOU" and hung up. And the next one I was on hold so long I gave up.
Basically Im feeling so very vulnerable . Im so tired of living in a world with pornography.I don't want to be here anymore. Its not going to go away.EVER.Its in your face everywhere. And people reward the the thing that wants to kill them by going back to it. Its crazy. I am so alone and without a husband now.Never knew him anyway it seems. He has chosen porn and deviance over my love and our family. I Asked him to go into an inpatient treatment or we were headed for divorce.Its been almost 20 years of counselors, deliverance, workbooks and churches. He said noThat if God wanted him in a treatment place god would tell him and he hasn't.I said God wants you to get help wherever you can get it.
We are separated now for many months and hes gotten worse. Losing us was not his rock bottom. What is?? Is there one?Why wasn't I a loss? Why wasn't I worth fighting for? Ihave had a life dumped on me that I never asked for.My goal was to be the best wife and mom I could be.It really was. to be sexual, silly fun, beautiful.all of it and it was taken for granted and discarded for satans rubbish.For fake pretend sex from trafficked abused broken drugged up people who dont even like what theyre faking. I am now stuck waking up at 2.am to leave my precious daughter alone at night because the only job I can get after investing in my husband and family for so long is a very hard paper route. Stuff is so heavy and its so far away and it takes so long and its 7 days a week in the middle of the night .after gas I only make about 150.00.I cant believe he has done this to us.
That Im even in this situation.I ws a great wife.I mean that.i really was.massages, gourmet meals including dessert nightly. fantasy sex, spotless house.it was such an enormous priority to me. But still a secret life, and the lies to his counselor, me , church ect about how hes just working on being healthier. Always blows me off when I want to text or talk now.sais we both need to work on getting healthy, yet it is addict wording once again and used to create distance so he be free to view porn . I just don't want to live in this world anymore..and I mean the world. Life. No body will make it go away. I cant even eat or sleep.I just want to go home .I hate pornography so much and am so angry and broken that people fall for it. Crying so much I can barely see.I don't want to be here anymore. Such an toxic world and this stuff is more toxic than anything.