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Post by nolongerbroken on Jun 21, 2015 8:17:57 GMT -8
This may not be understood like some topics on here. but I am so destitute and tired. so broken in two,Didnt know where else to go this morning.Havent eaten much or slept much in a few days. I tried to call 3 prayer lines today.one the guy didn't want to talk to me or even know what I needed prayer about .he had other calls waiting and just gave me a 2 second prayer and kicked me off. I called crying too, The next one didn't even seem like a prayer line ,it was CTNs prayer line and I started to talk through my tears about how I didnt want to live in a world with pornography anymore and she said so mean and hateful and im not exaggerating any" if youre going to cry I cant help you'.
I said I cant help it and tried to say it again and she said."Thats it, I cant understand you if youre just going to cry". So I could barely speak and I said really quietly "nevermind". She goes"THANK YOU" and hung up. And the next one I was on hold so long I gave up.
Basically Im feeling so very vulnerable . Im so tired of living in a world with pornography.I don't want to be here anymore. Its not going to go away.EVER.Its in your face everywhere. And people reward the the thing that wants to kill them by going back to it. Its crazy. I am so alone and without a husband now.Never knew him anyway it seems. He has chosen porn and deviance over my love and our family. I Asked him to go into an inpatient treatment or we were headed for divorce.Its been almost 20 years of counselors, deliverance, workbooks and churches. He said noThat if God wanted him in a treatment place god would tell him and he hasn't.I said God wants you to get help wherever you can get it.
We are separated now for many months and hes gotten worse. Losing us was not his rock bottom. What is?? Is there one?Why wasn't I a loss? Why wasn't I worth fighting for? Ihave had a life dumped on me that I never asked for.My goal was to be the best wife and mom I could be.It really was. to be sexual, silly fun, beautiful.all of it and it was taken for granted and discarded for satans rubbish.For fake pretend sex from trafficked abused broken drugged up people who dont even like what theyre faking. I am now stuck waking up at 2.am to leave my precious daughter alone at night because the only job I can get after investing in my husband and family for so long is a very hard paper route. Stuff is so heavy and its so far away and it takes so long and its 7 days a week in the middle of the night .after gas I only make about 150.00.I cant believe he has done this to us.
That Im even in this situation.I ws a great wife.I mean that.i really was.massages, gourmet meals including dessert nightly. fantasy sex, spotless house.it was such an enormous priority to me. But still a secret life, and the lies to his counselor, me , church ect about how hes just working on being healthier. Always blows me off when I want to text or talk now.sais we both need to work on getting healthy, yet it is addict wording once again and used to create distance so he be free to view porn . I just don't want to live in this world anymore..and I mean the world. Life. No body will make it go away. I cant even eat or sleep.I just want to go home .I hate pornography so much and am so angry and broken that people fall for it. Crying so much I can barely see.I don't want to be here anymore. Such an toxic world and this stuff is more toxic than anything.
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Post by leahb on Jun 21, 2015 19:20:02 GMT -8
Hi Nolongerbroken, Your post is truly heartbreaking. I'm so sorry about your situation. Porn can be a very powerful addiction indeed. I think as women, especially wives and mothers, we put everyone else's needs ahead of our own-repeatedly and consistently. We ask our family and friends "What can I do for you?" and "How can I make you happy?" all the time. This is particularly true for love addicts/co-dependents. We never learned how to make ourselves happy. In fact, we never even asked ourselves the question "What would make ME happy today?" This is a good question to start asking yourself every day. Even if its something simply like "I would really like to go to the park today for a 20 minute walk. I'd like to sit on a bench and enjoy a nice cup of tea by myself in the beauty of nature all around me". It's important to build our self-worth/love with these activities. Also Nolongerbroken, we can not be responsible for someone else's recovery. We can only be responsible for our own. In terms of the law of attraction, you and your hubby may not be a vibrational match at the moment. He is content to stay in his addiction-as you've said he hasn't hit his rock bottom yet; whereas you are working on addressing your issues. Neither one of these activities inherently makes one of you "better" than the other-you are just in different places right now and hold very different values. Perhaps he will change-but you do not need to wait for him to want to change for you to change yourself. I went through a divorce a few years ago and it almost destroyed me-so I do understand to a degree what you are feeling. I was very young when I got together with my ex-husband and though now I am thankful for the relationship, I see that we were essentially two very co-dependent sad people when we got together. I'd like to use an analogy that may help you make better sense of what I mean. Successful healthy partnerships or marriages occur when two whole people come together and walk hand in hand through life. They go down the same path together, but they are separate beings-joined at the hands as they walk along life. Two distinctly different people. In contrast, those of us with addiction and co-dependency issues walk through the path of life with our partners like we are walking a three-legged race with our arms tightly around each other's waist-so heavily enmeshed in one another and very unstable on feet. In order to have a successful relationship, we must become whole people in our own accord. We must put our happiness above other people's (as long as we are not causing harm to others by doing this). I know you are feeling like you are stuck in a hole with no way out, but there are ways to get out of this dark place. This will pass with time. LJ has a great blog that you can visit for some ways she navigated out of a very similar situation that you did. Here's the link: thelovelyaddict.com/links/ There are also some great videos on Youtube by Lisa A Romano-a life coach specializing in co-dependency/love addiction that you also may find to be helpful: Take good care of yourself and know that this will pass. Trust me.   |
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Post by nolongerbroken on Jun 22, 2015 8:49:44 GMT -8
I am so incredibly lonely. I want friends. Freinds that really want a friendship.Not just activities.I am so angry and broken to have been put in this situation at this age.I was an amazing wife. Im not just saying that.It was such a big priority to me because of a past marriage and divorce that I should never have done[the divorce]. To feel unloved ,not worth attention, or effort, is the worst feeling a person can ever feel. It robs you of sheer humanity. I love what you wrote above . So much wisdom and truth and light. Im just so tired and weary and beat down by this junk and I just cant seem to beat it for good. I feel like where the bible talks about clearing your house of demons ,but when they come back they come back stonger and with 7 more and your situation is worse than before.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jun 22, 2015 9:33:11 GMT -8
Porn is a sexual addiction. The best resource is Patrick Carnes.  |
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Post by nolongerbroken on Jun 22, 2015 12:31:43 GMT -8
Susan, thank you. I know all about Patrick carnes and all the others. my husband has read them all and I personally could write a book myself. It could be anything though, not just sex addiction .just like all these ladies on here, to that pod we just didn't matter enough and the feeling from that is like no other.It is the most primal , deep need in the human conscious and sub concious ...to be loved and love back. so very hard.almost unbearable when you cant get that.
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Post by abetterlife on Jun 22, 2015 18:22:02 GMT -8
nolongerbroken,
When a partner has a sexual addiction it is heartbreaking and Ive been through it. It causes you to second guess yourself, feel unattractive and unlovable. Trying to compete against it is impossible and unbearable. Im sure you know this but it is not you, nor how beautiful, sexy, nurturing you are. Endless questions of "why, why, why". Its an addiction. And he has to face that.
You on the other hand are doing an amazing job, devoted to your children, and working so hard to keep together everything when you feel there is nothing. All the energy you have put in trying to end his sex addiction is being put towards you now. Have you looked into COSA, a Twelve Step recovery program for those whose lives have been affected by compulsive sexual behavior? It may be a great resource to meet other women and even gain friendships.
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Post by nolongerbroken on Jun 22, 2015 19:28:11 GMT -8
Thank you for being able to relate so much. Yes I have checked into cosa, we have no group here in Fl, nor do we have a LA group .So frustrated by this. I know it could help a lot.Ive certainly read many books and done workbooks but real people are more helpful than anything. He is also a love avoidant[classic with sexual addiction] so it has been incredibly lonely
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Post by leahb on Jun 23, 2015 7:42:09 GMT -8
Hi Nolongerbroken,
I see you have mentioned that there are no COSA groups or LA groups in your area, but perhaps have you looked into CODA? Many of us LAs are codependent as well and these meetings can be helpful. There is also an option to look into a local therapist in your area who specializes in Love Addiction so you can talk to someone in real time.
I came across this video on YouTube the other day. It's from Oprahs Super Soul Sunday and I think it may help you to take a different perspective on this situation. I found it inspiring and soothing.
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Post by abetterlife on Jun 23, 2015 11:38:39 GMT -8
Along with what leahhb said, therapists in your area who specialize in love addiction are extremely helpful. It's often not listed as "love addiction" but sometimes attachment or relational issues could be similar. Careful with picking one who specializes in sex addiction, love addiction in my opinion is different even though core issues and upbringing may be the same.
Also my therapist offers group therapy for women who are partners of sex addicts (there is no COSA either) - you could look to see if there is any group therapy in your area. It could be a great option if you are navigating this relationship and whether or not you want to continue in it or not. Hearing other women's stories may reinforce a decision you already know in your head but not willing to face yet. at least when I went the 2 times, it helped me to walk away and never look back :-)
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jun 23, 2015 14:41:11 GMT -8
I am so incredibly lonely. I want friends. Freinds that really want a friendship. I can really relate to this. My first day of kindergarten I was teased and did not know why. I sought out friends and could not find anyone. In a therapy group once the teacher asked us to close our eyes and try to imagine our best friend. I burst out in tears in front of everyone because I had no friends. Fast forward . . . I am still a misfit and friends come and go. Usually they leave because of my angry outer child Gretchen. I enjoy them while they last. I have a few this month. As for not being personable,, I find solace though the story of the Ugly Duckling. And I no longer blame my mother for be being mentally ill
I am not saying this about you. I am just saying I can relate to wanting true friends. But I have come to accept that I can only experience what I call serial friendships. My life-time friend is not on this hearth. She is the Holy Spirit and we are really close. I am so close to her and to myself that I don't get lonely anymore. So charity begins at home. By this I mean love yourself, consider the companionship of God [in your imagination] and reach out to people who deserve you being in their lives. For now we are your friends but I am sure as you blossom others will be attracted to you and your dream of an authentic friend will come true. I know one thing that draw people to us is a smile and optimism. People just love this when I can do it.
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Post by leahb on Jun 23, 2015 16:12:20 GMT -8
To add to what Susan is saying, when I was starting off in my recovery, being alone was the most painful feeling I could imagine. When I was little I envisioned a life filled with people-extended family and a little family of my own, as these were things I felt I never had. I wanted a "Leave It to Beaver" style family because I lacked one growing up.
My friendships-like Susan's-were seasonal to a degree. I've known some people for 15 years, but I wouldn't say we were "best friends" more like acquaintances. I think it helps to understand that as we change ourselves, the people around us that once "got us" no longer "get us" because we're operating from a different perspective-or in Law of Attraction terms, a different frequency. It helps to think of it as Law of Attraction based. Like attracts like and when you don't have things in common with people anymore, you just kind of fall out of each other's lives.
I read a book once where the main character is talking to his teacher about how when the teacher leaves him, he will feel all alone in the world. The teacher reminds him that everyone is all alone in this world-except for the one true friend we have-nature/the planet. I like to think of this "One Friend" as the Universe at large. Some refer to this friend as God, or the Holy Spirit, or Source, etc.. We all have different words to explain the one thing we will always have as our friend.
For me, I like to get out in nature and sit on the ground quietly and observe the beauty and magic in the world. It helps me to connect with the "One Friend" that will truly be my companion in life-for as long as I will live.
I hope this helps.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jun 24, 2015 10:59:02 GMT -8
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Post by nolongerbroken on Jun 24, 2015 12:41:31 GMT -8
Thank you precious girls. Yes I know this is toxic and it has ended really .My denial is 80% gone in that area ithink. And I do have a therapist who specializes in La and SA and trauma.I don't care for him much. I question his type of therapy but that's another topic .I thik in my case as far as no friends , its because I had my marriage and family as my nucleus. Never cultivated freindships, close ones and now I don't even know what distant land I travel to to find them.And somany my age are married and wrapped up in awhole other life. Thispart of my life saddens me so, because Im a loyal ,funny ,loving person.I would make an incredible friend, But don't know how to start that chapter of my life. today is not a good day.the last 3 have not been [obviously or I wouldn't be posting on the suicidal section I guess]  |
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Post by leahb on Jun 24, 2015 13:30:41 GMT -8
Hi Nolongerbroken, Today wasn't a good day for me either-perhaps something to do with the planets? Anyway, there are lots of ways to meet people. There's a site called www.meetup.com/ This site has many events and activities locally listed where you can meet people that have the same interests as you do. I know how it feels being alone. Everyone I know is recently married and has a young family-whereas I'm 31 and divorced with no kids. It's hard living outside what is typically expected, but if it helps, understand many people living "the perfect life" have just has many issues as we do. |
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Post by Louise on Jun 24, 2015 13:40:02 GMT -8
Well, the good thing is, that you have a new chance to start investing in friendships, and since you have those great qualities of a friend, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to do so. But I think when building friendships (just like dating) you have to start with not expecting too much too soon from people. Just doing different activities with different people is a good start, although it's not yet the deep friendship you would like. Learning to be okay with being alone helps in not placing too high expectations on potential friends. Hang in there.  |
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Post by CodepNomore on Jun 27, 2015 8:20:56 GMT -8
Sex addiction is mostly fantasy-based and instant gratification. There is never enough. It is always asking for more and more and becomes worse and worse. Self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit so one must abide in order to have the power to overcome this. nolongerbroken, it is hard to be in your situation. I am sorry about that. But I know you can let go of him and take care of your own needs and recovery. You are more important than his problem. |
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Post by koji on Aug 10, 2019 9:20:21 GMT -8
If judgemental people read my story pisted here and give me comments, I can’t be here.
I have hurt so many people with my love addiction.
Everyone would say I am wrong. I am a bad person.
However, I would leave here.
It’s over if I can’t confess nor carry off my burden here.
No counsellors would order or give me instructions.
I figure out what I did and what I think and choose what do by myself.
That’s the good way. I think so.
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RoseNadler
Administrator
Administrator
Posts: 1,109
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Post by RoseNadler on Aug 10, 2019 9:54:50 GMT -8
Koji, when you say “don’t want to be here anymore” - are you talking about being here, at this website?
We DO want you here - as long as you want to be here. Any person who is sincerely looking for a healthier way to have love relationships has a place here. Read some of the boards. You can get a lot of good from them. And you can help others, by sharing your own experiences.
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Post by Sexlessw on Aug 10, 2019 15:03:58 GMT -8
Yes Koji, backing up what LostKate said.
I haven't read any judgemental comments about your situation. Or perhaps I have not interpreted any comments about you as judgemental.
What is making your heart so heavy?
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Post by koji on Aug 10, 2019 18:43:30 GMT -8
For now, the pressure on me is I have to solve the problem with my family. I should see my wife and start talking about divorce. And the next one is telling my girlfriend, who might be PoA, that I have to recover from my love addiction. She is mid 30 and wants her baby with me. It would be tough situation when talking to her. My job is hard too. I have to work until 9pm everyday. My bosses email me even weekends. I want to find a new job.
The last one is the process of my recovery. I want female “friend” first before relationship. I want to find something to do to find good friends. Poetry, music or volunteer activity might be the keys for my recovery.
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Post by Sexlessw on Aug 16, 2019 11:49:15 GMT -8
Do one thing at a time. Talk to your stbxW about divorce. The GF can wait - no offense. Don't be involved with one person when the initial relationship is on-going. Divorce means "it's over and I'm moving on." The GF deserves ALL of your attention, not bits and pieces.
Have you actively LOOKED for another job? If so, what is out there? Would you move for employment?
Take care of the major issues before you tackle worrying about a GF or a full blown relationship. Clean out the garage before you purchase the Lexis.
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Post by koji on Aug 22, 2019 19:36:34 GMT -8
Am I happy now? I don’t know yet.
What do I want? I don’t know exactly yet but I want more time to relax.
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Post by Sexlessw on Aug 23, 2019 2:39:37 GMT -8
Koji:
Break things down into:
Needs
Wants
Make time to relax
But what you need to do will take time and effort - and I promise you that it will be painful - temporarily.
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Post by koji on Aug 23, 2019 12:51:30 GMT -8
I don’t know why I had courted a woman who was cold, mean and dishonest. It was 5 years. I did a lot for her as much as I could. However, she always cheated. She said if I did more for her, I would be her boyfriend. I believed it but she never accepted my love. My friends gave me advices that she never loved me and she just used me. However, I never listened to them. I believed one day the day would come when she would be honest with me as long as I seriously courted her. I got hurt over and over. She lied to me over and over. It lasted 5 years.
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Post by Sexlessw on Aug 25, 2019 2:46:32 GMT -8
Koji:
Look at what her ACTIONS showed you. Whenever you are in doubt, follow the person's actions. Her actions clearly showed you that she did NOT want to be your GF. Her actions showed exactly what she was. Actions scream. Words whisper.
You wrote: "I don't know why I had courted a woman who as cold, mean and dishonest." The answers to Why you courted a cold, mean and dishonest woman are found in yourself. This is what I mean by doing the "hard work." I call it excavation.
Maybe you are not ready to do the self-work by breaking down your past relationships. That's okay. But there will come a time when you think "I've gone over all of the times when X did this and Y was a jerk and I just keep on going over the times when X did this and Y was a jerk." Then you realize the ONE common point between X and Y is YOU. What was it about X and Y that kept YOU engaged? Until you figure out YOUR "Whys" you will continue to think in circle.
We don't want to be circled all our lives. We want linear progression.
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