|
Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 4, 2015 11:03:06 GMT -8
I can't find the thread on fantasies, so I am starting a new thread until we find it. I found this article on the internet. See below. Fantasies were my first childhood coping skill and addiction. I was in the hospital at the age of 4 and fantasies were all I had. Eventually I could not control them and they took over my life interfering with everything and causing two accidents. Around the age of 10 I found romantic novels and the rest is history.
With some love addicts, this is your primary addiction. With others it is a dual or subsidiary addiction. It has to be dealt with as it interferes with recovery. In my own life I could not stop fantasizing so in recovery I just changed what I fantasized about and cut way back. My new fantasies were about being a writer. That worked out.
Remember, recovery is either abstinence of moderation. I threw away all my romantic novels, and fantasize in moderation about healthy things.
Here is the article.
www.addiction.com/expert-blogs/why-love-addicts-are-addicted-to-fantasy-and-what-to-do-about-it/
|
|
|
Post by Havefaith on Jul 4, 2015 11:43:35 GMT -8
Excellent insights - excellent article - thank you !
HaveFaith
|
|
|
Post by leahb on Jul 4, 2015 21:24:56 GMT -8
All I can say is ME TOO! I loved to escape into books to cope with my chaotic environment.
I can completely relate.
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 6, 2015 10:40:27 GMT -8
The first draft of Addiction to Love came out in 1989. It was my class notes so everything was a sound bite. Over the last few months I am finding so many articles and books expanding on one or more of my concepts. This article is an example of this and I just saw another article on why you should not compare yourself to others, a very important part of my seventeen steps to build self-esteem.
It is such a thrill to be part of the self-help community and getting a chance to share my two cents. People are starting to refer to me as a pioneer because of the concepts I created like seductive withholder and ambivalent love addict. I was also the first to go from "people who get addicted" [Peele and Halpern] to the term love addict. I got the idea from my beloved sponsor as I was reading her an early draft of my book.
Maybe I should be more modest, but the Bible says put your light on a hill so all can see. At the same time I am getting older and there are so many new women coming along to take my place like Lori Glass, Susan Anderson, Lovely June, Codenomore, and Shary Hauer just to name a few. Maybe it is time to retire . . .
Namaste.
|
|
|
Post by moonlitvein on Jul 6, 2015 21:09:02 GMT -8
I am getting older Maybe it is time to retire . . . Age is just a number With the kind of work that you have done & you still do, maybe it is time to take out the word 'retire' from your dictionary...
|
|
|
Post by Havefaith on Jul 7, 2015 6:24:53 GMT -8
I would be sad to see you retire, Susan, with all you have to offer others. The selfish part of me hopes you remain active in the LAA community. My inner child is saying, "Don't go!" However, the adult in me knows that retirement is such a personal decision, and everyone has to prayerfully consider what is the right time for him/her.
Blessings, HaveFaith
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 7, 2015 10:34:29 GMT -8
I am getting older Maybe it is time to retire . . . Age is just a number With the kind of work that you have done & you still do, maybe it is time to take out the word 'retire' from your dictionary... Whatever else I do, I am on this message board until I pass on to my "just reward." Now there is an olds cliché. I was just thinking about retiring because I got fired from my job at the 5 Sisters Ranch. Most people loved my workshop about self-esteem, but I also triggered people for lots of reason. It is ok. It just may be that I am a better writer/teacher than workshop leader. The negative energy and perceived rejection just led to a temporary depression, not to mention my angry "outer child." I have been fortunate enough to be retired from my day job. For 30 years I was a secretary doing this work in my spare time. Now I can lie in bed all day on the computer and write to people. I do love writing with all my heart. It took my mind off of searching for love and got me through the death of my mother, sister, partner and daughter. I encourage others to take a stab at it. Thanks, from the bottom of my heart, for your encouragement to keep my job as a wounded healer. I will try not to let you down. Namaste. P.S. Sorry for hijacking this thread . . .
|
|
|
Post by moonlitvein on Jul 8, 2015 7:11:30 GMT -8
Dear Susan,
Sorry to hear this news about the job at 5 sisters ranch. But just like you teach us "Let God", I feel things happen for a reason & that reason eventually turns out to have some purpose. So perhaps you suddenly came upon this turn so that something new will happen. Perhaps that new thing hasn't revealed itself yet.
|
|
|
Post by terryt on Sept 6, 2015 13:54:49 GMT -8
This thread is great and well worth the read: Thank you Susan I can't find the thread on fantasies, so I am starting a new thread until we find it. I found this article on the internet. See below. Fantasies were my first childhood coping skill and addiction. I was in the hospital at the age of 4 and fantasies were all I had. Eventually I could not control them and they took over my life interfering with everything and causing two accidents. Around the age of 10 I found romantic novels and the rest is history.
With some love addicts, this is your primary addiction. With others it is a dual or subsidiary addiction. It has to be dealt with as it interferes with recovery. In my own life I could not stop fantasizing so in recovery I just changed what I fantasized about and cut way back. My new fantasies were about being a writer. That worked out.
Remember, recovery is either abstinence of moderation. I threw away all my romantic novels, and fantasize in moderation about healthy things.
Here is the article.
www.addiction.com/expert-blogs/why-love-addicts-are-addicted-to-fantasy-and-what-to-do-about-it/
|
|
|
Post by paisley on Sept 9, 2015 11:29:25 GMT -8
Good stuff. Yep, I used daydreaming as a child...and my head was always buried in a book. The daydreaming soothed me. I remember the euphoria I felt when I escaped into my fantasy life. Then when I got older I used men in this regard. To escape and avoid. My life was no good so I'd hi-jack theirs. I've done well over the past five years. I think some music still triggers me. I don't read fiction at all. I'm more into technical or academic reading. I redirect myself when I start fantasizing. I don't seem to get lost in it anymore because the rational side of me starts screaming out how this is not real and I'm heading down a dangerous path. What a buzzkill. To go to sleep, I'll listen to podcasts (about real stuff) as I doze off. In the past, I'd fantasize about various men. Now I wonder about something. The guy I'm currently dating is into fantasy role-playing games (D&D, etc) and I wonder if that says something. He doesn't seem to be too obsessed with it, but he has some paintings, figurines, etc that he created based on this stuff. He meets with those friends on Sundays and I usually have something else to do. He seems very tuned in and present...I just wonder if role playing is a symptom of an avoidant and if that will be an issue later. I guess time will tell. I know when I used to play video games, I became addicted and had to get rid of my console. I also can't help wonder about online relationships that gamers have. I came across some communication between my ex boyfriend and a gal in another country that I found highly inappropriate (when I was in that relationship) and his perception was that it was all fantasy and in fun. Well, when the gal found out about me she was hurt and angry with him for leading her on. I ramble, but I am wondering about the personality of gamers, actors, performers, etc who can dive into this role and fantasy with such ease.
|
|
|
Post by moonlitvein on Sept 9, 2015 22:02:55 GMT -8
I don't know about gamers, honestly, but for actors and performers I feel it is a healthy channelising of fantasy. Without this channelising the fantasy becomes unhealthy. But the channelising makes it productive since the fantasy is being put to good use & characters & stories come alive to us because of this. The psychology of the human mind is revealed through this.
I feel this holds for people who are writers, painters, architects, sculptors ... any form of art... I feel. I for one, definitely want to channelise my fantasy through a piece of writing ... of course the procrastinator within me resists... So I fight.
|
|
|
Post by ~w~ on Sept 14, 2015 14:05:30 GMT -8
I was into tales books (I loved with happy ending, ..and they lived happily ever after...),later on romantic novels, adventure, and music was big part of my fantasy too. I loved waching romantic films; one of my favourites was :Family man with N.Cage and ,,Rebound'' with C.Z.Jones (watched this weekend 4 times), also ,,beautiful woman'with J.R .
My addiction started as soon as I learned to read. I aways loved reading , but today I read Susan recommended books and my recovery friends recommended literature; I listen to instrumental music, no more music in the car while driving, listen to news or similar music instead. For self esteem don't wach mtv, viva or other programs where they,, plastered'' with make up,exvt.
|
|
|
Post by Havefaith on Sept 14, 2015 15:38:16 GMT -8
I get this! Many folks enjoy and can handle romance fiction. I, as a Love Addict, can't because the addict in me 'forgets' that it is fantasy, and I embrace it as reality -- and that leads to me thinking, 'I want some of that!'
Like the alcoholic who can't drink in moderation, I cannot read or listen to certain literature/music without getting 'intoxicated' on romance and fantasy.
I know my triggers. I know what to stay away from if I want to stay sober and on my path of recovery.
HaveFaith
|
|
|
Post by leahb on Sept 14, 2015 16:28:05 GMT -8
I am in cahoots with Havefaith on this one. My triggers are romance movies, books filled with drama, and thinking about POAs. It's funny to me now to think about all that stuff-but this LA is a very real addiction. It grabs you and doesn't let you go. It's like any other addiction.
What I find really interesting these days is that most people that like to read (myself included) like to read books that have a story quality to them-like the Lived Experience of a real-life person, or a piece of fiction that is focused on people telling their story. Very few people like to read things that are data/information heavy with little personal narrative. What does this say about our culture? I think we're all so hungry for real connection. I fully feel like we are all starving for it and we want it wherever we can get it. Addiction is only going to become more of an issue going forward and mental health issues will be/are the health crisis of our time.
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Sept 15, 2015 3:18:35 GMT -8
I too have to be very careful with romance novels or romantic movies; not so much anymore as in the past though. Many, many years ago I was engaged to be married to this guy until I saw the film Age of Innocence. We saw it together, actually, and I cried my eyes out because my relationship with him was not like the one in the movie. The good thing was that this film actually forced me to look at my reality with this man and not marry him. Now, because I am happily married, I don't feel "threatened" by romance films with story lines that might be more romantic than my own life. But, every once in a while there will be a character who resembles my fantasy "bad boy" type and I have to work really hard at convincing myself that D is as bad boy as it gets and that's a good thing! I really believe it all boils down to the way you talk to yourself and what you convince yourself to believe about things. Anyway, I almost exclusively read non-fiction now. I am currently reading Michael Pollan's "Cooked" and "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee." The last fiction "story" I read was probably Siddhartha, which is an old parable of the Buddha and how to find one's self and reach nirvana. There are gazillions of books that are extremely good that don't touch on romance one iota. Maybe I'll put together a list!
|
|
|
Post by ~w~ on Sept 15, 2015 4:25:43 GMT -8
I too have to be very careful with romance novels or romantic movies; not so much anymore as in the past though. Many, many years ago I was engaged to be married to this guy until I saw the film Age of Innocence. We saw it together, actually, and I cried my eyes out because my relationship with him was not like the one in the movie. The good thing was that this film actually forced me to look at my reality with this man and not marry him. Now, because I am happily married, I don't feel "threatened" by romance films with story lines that might be more romantic than my own life. But, every once in a while there will be a character who resembles my fantasy "bad boy" type and I have to work really hard at convincing myself that D is as bad boy as it gets and that's a good thing! I really believe it all boils down to the way you talk to yourself and what you convince yourself to believe about things. Anyway, I almost exclusively read non-fiction now. I am currently reading Michael Pollan's "Cooked" and "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee." The last fiction "story" I read was probably Siddhartha, which is an old parable of the Buddha and how to find one's self and reach nirvana. There are gazillions of books that are extremely good that don't touch on romance one iota. Maybe I'll put together a list!
|
|
|
Post by ~w~ on Sept 15, 2015 4:31:55 GMT -8
I love your down to earth replays and incouradgment, you truly have a gift to explane and give options exct. I wached rebound 4 times because I was lonely, then I noticed similarities in my prev. Relationship . And then I was asking myself : how does healthy guy looks like , is he healthy ? My kids are not used to instrumental music , but today I listen only that if they complane, than no music at all. Changes changes changes I would be lovely to have a list . I have 3 books in the cue , so I ll choose them rather then poa . I have melody pia , codependency , woman who run with wolves, john Bradshaw . Joyce Meyers few books ..
|
|
|
Post by ReallyHere on Mar 30, 2016 13:15:13 GMT -8
I'm reading a wonderful book by Natalie Lue from Baggage Reclaim called The Dreamer and Fantasy Relationships. I am realizing that this is a core component of my love addiction, if not THE central addiction. I have no idea how to stop. I've been doing this all of my life, including a 19 year relationship with a narcissist/abuser that recently ended.
Since then I've been in her terms- A Crusher and a Virtual. Meaning I escape into crushes and low intensity text/online relationships. One is causing me huge amounts of pain. I keep trying to go NC and keep contacting and reconnecting PoA after 2-3 days.
How do I heal? How do I get past the pain I'm feeling when there is not a fantasy/crush/obsession and I'm in real life?
|
|
runnybabbit
New Member
Diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Time for therapy!
Posts: 20
|
Post by runnybabbit on Jun 8, 2016 4:49:01 GMT -8
I love video games. For a while also did role playing and always took part in the romance comedy types because they were very fun until I started catching the feelings for my "partner" who lived a great deal of distance and had an on and off friendship with until almost 10 years he finally wants nothing to do with me anymore. Video games for me and my bf are a way of escape. For him though he feels it's better when he's high. I have to agree with him too. When I'm not doing those things I'm playing music or watching movies. Fantasizing you have control over what you are daydreaming about. You think for a while it's harmless until you find yourself unintentionally staring at someone who now thinks you are a nutcase. Hahaha...
|
|
|
Post by Namaste6 on Aug 12, 2016 2:00:01 GMT -8
Fantasies are my way of escaping the reality and forgetting the past. I am a love addict and i keep hounding men to keep my fantasy life alive. Whenever any man shows remotest interest in me i will add fuel to that interest by daydreaming, pursuing or trying to attract them to me.
One day my life is going to go down the drain because of this addiction. Though my father was alcoholic, mother was addicted to hoarding my addiction is erotomania.
Around 33age i found new addictions in form of spirituality and occult, metaphysics those things kept my mind off guys but then i got obsessed with that stuff and eventually spend loads on money on fake teachers and fortune tellers.
And now i spend hours trying to learn to draw and paint as if such things can be learned they are inbuild and some people have gift of mastering it
I need more love, attention compared to other people and marriage is not enough for me. My hubby spending his time with TV and not giving me a listening hear, or any interest bogs me down and it really hurts my inner child.
|
|
|
Post by serenityseeker27 on Aug 3, 2022 8:40:28 GMT -8
|
|