Post by artemisia on Aug 24, 2015 4:28:36 GMT -8
Hi..
I am not sure this post could be helpful to anyone, but I thought to share what happened to me because might be I am not the only one in this situation..
I've always thought I had an amazing childhood with the best possible parents. When my therapist asked me about them the first time, I was quick to say they were just great. I couldn't identify any shortcomings in my family until now. And it hit me almost out of the blue and it was such a strong and sudden realisation that I felt i needed to share it.
My dad (my mum died years ago) asked me for some help in paying some bills he had. Not a big deal,i can help him and he deserves it (he's not wasting his money at all, was hit by the crisis and tries his best to economise, so not a problem). But I realised that the way he asks for help is totally unhealthy.. he would make a big drama about everything, be it a bill to pay or once a tyre of the car which broke. He would cry, and looking up to me to fix things.
I then started thinking about the past, and he has always been like that; very caring, very loving but emotionally immature. My mum was his rock,and when she died, he somehow replace her with me when it came to ensure his emotional balance. And because of this, I never had a father (at least for the last 15 years), I could rely on myself, a parent who could share with me an adult relationship, but I am rather acting like the parent myself. Which just enhances my own feature of fixing everything , being the cool girl, not letting anyone knowing I am in trouble, unless I cannot avoid it..
At the same time, when I started thinking back to my childhood, i realised my parents loved me to pieces, but of a very immature love which would either lead them to be intrusive, invade my spaces, soffocate me with their attentions or being too strict on other things (I had very strict rules at home to comply with).
In parallel, they were going through their own issues, as possibly wounded children themselves; I do not recall any discussions now which would not end with a scene, the more dramatic, the better.
It is like now i see I have never had a stable environment to grow up in (from where I possibly learned to walk so easily on egg shells, the little things could create a whole mess; and to try to please everyones needs, for that matter). I learned not to share my problems with anyone (which I still do, and thanks for this forum for letting me get things out of the system!) And as an adult, I never had a balanced relationship, it is like i passed from being the little girl to be protected, overprotected to the adult who has to take care of her family need.
And maybe this is also why I longed all my life for validations from other, while I feel so rejected by the most usual situations, why I tried to make any relationship work as long as it provides me some safe (which usually is not) environment. And why I cannot be alone, I always need someone to lean on, because I never had someone to lean on (in a reliable way), whenI was growing up and for some reasons I became (unwillingly, but I didnt do anything to stop it) the one to lean on as an adult.
I don't know, maybe all these things are not related at all, but at the moment they make perfect sense to me..and anyway it is a starting point to heal whatever wounds I have (and I didnt know I had)..
THank you all for being here,
warm hugs,
A
I am not sure this post could be helpful to anyone, but I thought to share what happened to me because might be I am not the only one in this situation..
I've always thought I had an amazing childhood with the best possible parents. When my therapist asked me about them the first time, I was quick to say they were just great. I couldn't identify any shortcomings in my family until now. And it hit me almost out of the blue and it was such a strong and sudden realisation that I felt i needed to share it.
My dad (my mum died years ago) asked me for some help in paying some bills he had. Not a big deal,i can help him and he deserves it (he's not wasting his money at all, was hit by the crisis and tries his best to economise, so not a problem). But I realised that the way he asks for help is totally unhealthy.. he would make a big drama about everything, be it a bill to pay or once a tyre of the car which broke. He would cry, and looking up to me to fix things.
I then started thinking about the past, and he has always been like that; very caring, very loving but emotionally immature. My mum was his rock,and when she died, he somehow replace her with me when it came to ensure his emotional balance. And because of this, I never had a father (at least for the last 15 years), I could rely on myself, a parent who could share with me an adult relationship, but I am rather acting like the parent myself. Which just enhances my own feature of fixing everything , being the cool girl, not letting anyone knowing I am in trouble, unless I cannot avoid it..
At the same time, when I started thinking back to my childhood, i realised my parents loved me to pieces, but of a very immature love which would either lead them to be intrusive, invade my spaces, soffocate me with their attentions or being too strict on other things (I had very strict rules at home to comply with).
In parallel, they were going through their own issues, as possibly wounded children themselves; I do not recall any discussions now which would not end with a scene, the more dramatic, the better.
It is like now i see I have never had a stable environment to grow up in (from where I possibly learned to walk so easily on egg shells, the little things could create a whole mess; and to try to please everyones needs, for that matter). I learned not to share my problems with anyone (which I still do, and thanks for this forum for letting me get things out of the system!) And as an adult, I never had a balanced relationship, it is like i passed from being the little girl to be protected, overprotected to the adult who has to take care of her family need.
And maybe this is also why I longed all my life for validations from other, while I feel so rejected by the most usual situations, why I tried to make any relationship work as long as it provides me some safe (which usually is not) environment. And why I cannot be alone, I always need someone to lean on, because I never had someone to lean on (in a reliable way), whenI was growing up and for some reasons I became (unwillingly, but I didnt do anything to stop it) the one to lean on as an adult.
I don't know, maybe all these things are not related at all, but at the moment they make perfect sense to me..and anyway it is a starting point to heal whatever wounds I have (and I didnt know I had)..
THank you all for being here,
warm hugs,
A
I have understood that even within my "amazing" childhood there were issues, particularly lack of appreciation about certain matters, needless irritability, projection of anger & shame on me (the child), withholding affection & normal conversation in the name of discipline & punishment tactic - all of this created drama (negative) around me. How did I (the child) deal with this negative drama? By creating a world of drama (positive and grand ones-fantasy world) for myself, which kept getting projected onto men & other close relationships in my personal & professional life during my adolescent & adult years. This is how I became a fantasy addict.
