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Post by safiya on Aug 28, 2015 6:23:13 GMT -8
ok ... I could really do with running this by the good folks of this forum ... any thoughts on this and feedback would be massively appreciated .. and it would be good to speak with others about this for other perspectives/t compare notes/support each other - all that stuff.
I have long recognised that I am a destructive force with alcohol in the mix. I come from a family where alcohol was very much used by my father, and other extended family members, to excess. My family of origin was undoubtedly dysfunctional, and on top of that some pretty rough life circumstances got thrown into the mix when I was a teenager and of course I began to self medicate with alcohol through loneliness and a complete lack of emotional support. I won't go in to too much detail about this, but when I say that I was completely on my own in life, no parents or emotional support, from the age of 13, that is an accurate description - not a pity party.
Over the years I have coped as best I can, always with a tendency to self medicate with alcohol when things got particularly rough. Yet also knowing that alcohol wasn't my friend and was something I had to watch my intake of. I went to AA and whilst I certainly concede that alcohol has caused me problems in life (and certainly been a factor in destroying friendships and relationships - when my outer child is off on one and there is drink involved it isn't a pretty picture) - I don't feel as if drink is my primary problem. It is one of them, I recognise and accept that, but it's almost like the top layer and once that is off and 'under control' then there are my other addictions underneath - the co-dependency, love addiction, being an adult child of an alcoholic .. all of that. My difficulty at present is that whilst AA can help me in terms of not drinking ... it isn't the whole picture .. I don't feel like I completely belong in AA ... and in truth I can stop drinking when I like, I don't wake up wanting to drink and if I decide to go a week without then I can do that without it being torture .. and socially I can drink and stop after a few ... all of this makes me think that whilst I know I have to watch that I don't let my outer child go on a rampage with drink in the mix ... it just isn't the full story .. if I go to AA for the next ten years (God willing) then it wouldn't necessarily help me deal with anything else .. and if I don't deal with the other stuff it is just going to rear its ugly head again anyway, just a matter of time ...
There aren't any LAA groups here and I'd have no idea (or the confidence) to set one up .. I havn't got the recovery under my belt either. I don't know if Al Anon might be better .. I get the most identification from this forum though ... it feels to me like my real core issues are around inner/outer child/abandonment/co-dependency ... and what worries me is that I have this gut feeling that actually going to AA could even be enabling me to avoid dealing with my real issues .. and could do me more harm than good ... has anyone on here got similar experiences to share, and thoughts? All feedback would be greatly welcomed, whatever it is ... thankyou.
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Post by leahb on Aug 28, 2015 8:33:17 GMT -8
Hi Safiya, I feel the same way you do about my addictive-type behaviours. I also had issues with alcohol, food, work, men/love and sex. I feel like for me, the base of these issues was codependency/love addiction-particularly feelings/thoughts around abandonment and judgement. I feel like those issues were the real reason as to why I was indulging in all the other things. In terms of how to move forward, each of us has to find a way to make our recovery programs work for us. AA didn't feel right to me at all, but when I found CODA and this forum, I felt like I came home and was amongst family members that I never had growing up. I have a therapist I see once a week that focuses on getting in touch with emotions and getting me to be in my body more. I have a CODA sponsor that I talk to occasionally and CODA 12-Step meetings I go to when I can and this forum which I log into at least once/day. I also journal, do affirmations/gratitude every day and get outside in nature or go to the gym for an endorphin rush. My life is basically built around my recovery at this point. You just have to find some ways of making recovery part of your everyday life. I also read a lot of books on codependency and spirituality to get in touch with the HP part that was lacking for me. I highly recommend Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life". The book changed my life and helped me change my perspective. For me I also made some dietary changes in my life-cut out dairy, alcohol, gluten and any artificial sugar sources (I use raw honey and maple syrup for sweetening things) plus added in some supplements and cut out coffee and reduced my caffeine intake. My healthy diet of lots of veggies and fruit has been a huge help in my recovery as well. I feel myself food that is nourishing and gives me energy. I realized alcohol was so damaging for me, so I had to cut it out 100%. I hope these suggestions help. It's also a good idea to develop a spiritual toolbox of things that help you when you are feeling like doggy doo doo. I use affirmations, gratitude, music, crystals, and scent therapy to get me out of my funk. You can also try meditating or yoga as well. I hope this helps. Take good care  |
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Post by paisley on Aug 28, 2015 10:26:13 GMT -8
Working the twelve steps with an AA sponsor is what lead me to discover my patterns in relationships and ultimately identify as LA.
I see LA as my core addiction and abusing alcohol in my youth was more of a tool to allow me to avoid responsibility and avoid myself.
I think even the big book points out that the problem is not really alcohol, but rather relationship issues.
Me personally, I know some people have a physical addiction to alcohol and the term alcoholic is appropriate if it fits. Even though I've abused alcohol horribly in my past, at this point I'm able to add it back in and drink responsibly. After 18 years of not drinking, and with LA recovery under my belt, I can pretty much take it or leave it and it doesn't factor in when I'm stressed, etc. I simply don't want to poison my body so I don't.
I think LA and alcoholism are closely linked due to most of us being avoidant in some way.
You may want to focus more on the step work than the meetings themselves. Find a serious sponsor, and chances are she'll recognize a lot of love addiction qualities, because I know I've seen and heard the same stuff from nearly everyone in AA at some point.
Maybe focus on women's meetings if you want to share more with a group, but save the details for step work with a trusted sponsor (or a therapist).
The AA meetings frustrated me when the talk focused around drinking because I couldn't relate. But there were a few good step-related meetings that got more into the hard core character defects, and I got a lot out of those.
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 28, 2015 17:05:36 GMT -8
I believe in the addictive personality. I believe that it doesn't matter what you're addicted to, the addiction is a mere symptom of the underlying problem: AVOIDANCE OF THE SELF. Whatever helps you avoid yourself best, is what you will use. That being said, anonymous groups tend to focus on the WHAT you're addicted to and try to help you manage your life without that thing (alcohol, love, sex, food, etc). But, many people are still lost. And many replace one addiction with another. Find out what you're trying to avoid (your "real problems,") and then face them and deal with them. It could be something as simple as getting a job and being financially secure. But you must face what you are avoiding to "fix" the problem. |
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Post by safiya on Aug 30, 2015 1:52:16 GMT -8
Thankyou so much to everyone for replying ... I got so much from all of your replies .. it's almost 'where to start?' in responding ...
I identified so much with what you all said ... leahb I really identify with us having to all find our own recovery paths ... mine sounds similar to yours in so much as it seems holistic and organic ... a many pronged approach as it were ... luckily I do have faith that the right teachers and tools do appear in our lives when we are ready to learn the lessons .. and I have been blessed of late with both a healer and a counsellor coming along at exactly the right time ... both are heaven sent, I am sure of that. And finding this forum has been a massive help to me ... I feel like I belong here. I get such identification from what I see and read here. And it's the one place I feel I can be honest and not feel shamed or as if I cannot admit to how I am feeling ... I carry so much shame around so much of how I am .. not good I know.
Paisley, this: ''I see LA as my core addiction and abusing alcohol in my youth was more of a tool to allow me to avoid responsibility and avoid myself.'' - Yes. That's me too.
Avoidance of Self, as LovelyJune says ... yes, that's the one. I feel I am finally facing myself after 20 years of hiding behind people, places and things ... it's nothing short of revelatory ... but hard too. There is a lot that I can no longer run away from, and much that I don't like or respect within myself, that I wish was not there, or was different.
I'm still not sure about returning to AA ... I am just not sure it can help me right now and may take my focus off my core issues - love addiction, co-dependency and abandonment issues. I have other issues too apart from these ... I suffer from anxiety around driving long distance/being in open remote places (classic agoraphobic symptoms I know) and I also have issues around my identity that are probably more characteristic of bpd which I have also had a diagnosis of. It can be hard accepting on the one hand how f*cked up I am yet also having so the insight in to it, that's a bit of a strange one to work with. But ultimately I suppose that is a blessing, knowing what you are working with. Better than not.
But sometimes I do feel as if my whole life will be about recovery - I look at other people sometimes and think: what a luxury, to just be able to 'be' and to be healthy and functional and to just be able to get on with living life! But I guess we don't all start on a level playing field and everyone struggles, everyone suffers, it's the nature of life.
I could probably do with developing greater compassion .. instead of being envious of what I perceive as others good fortune.
Sorry, rambling a bit there.
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 30, 2015 5:31:56 GMT -8
SO many people who live life "to just be able to 'be'" are not all they appear to be. I'd like to think that my recovery and soul searching has brought me an enormous amount of self-actualization. My husband, on the other hand, whom I'd consider a very healthy, normal, happy character will complain from time to time that he really doesn't know himself at all.
Turn all your negatives into positives. Your perspective on things is the only thing that will truly get you through your life successfully. I am deeply indebted to my love addiction. It has made me the strong woman that I am today. But I am only able to say that in retrospect!
Hang in there. You will get where you want to be. Just keep investing in yourself.
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Post by ~w~ on Jan 11, 2016 14:19:07 GMT -8
It is really good information for me, I can't find alanon , but I found AA meetings; sometimes I think I am not alcoholic because I can stop drinking if I want to.
What Lovely June said figure out what you are avoiding ...? That's big question .
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 12, 2016 12:00:53 GMT -8
It is really good information for me, I can't find alanon , but I found AA meetings; sometimes I think I am not alcoholic because I can stop drinking if I want to. What Lovely June said figure out what you are avoiding ...? That's big question .
From Susan . . . If you listen, or share just about feelings and not love addiction you can go to any meeting you want. "I am Susan and I am a recovering addict. My topic to day is loss."
At women's AA meetings there are lots of love addicts. Also at Al-anon and Co-DA
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Post by ~w~ on Jan 16, 2016 0:57:02 GMT -8
Sounds good to me, in aa meeting I found group of man and felt really comfortable around them . I need man sight of view , because they suffer too it gives me emphaty and understanding !
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Post by Havefaith on Feb 14, 2016 11:29:18 GMT -8
Setting up "healthy boundaries with men" by attending mixed meetings did not work for me. I would suggest mixed meetings ONLY for those who have a lot of recovery time under their belt.
I went to an SLAA mixed meeting (both men and women) and was immediately hit on by one of the old-timers. He 13th-stepped me -- he sensed my vulnerabilities and took full and complete advantage of me. I will not get into the details here (you can PM if you would like), but suffice to say it was an experience that led me to suicidal ideation and years of work with a therapist to recover.
I also found men's issues to be quite different than women's (they would make fun of women's obsessive thinking in my meeting) -- and although it is 'interesting' to get their perspective, I suppose, it is better to work on one's self first. I was much better off getting a handle on my 'perspective' first, before tackling anyone else's.
Bottom line -- proceed with caution and, as a woman, do not let a man talk you into being your sponsor. Doesn't work. Believe me. I found out the hard way, and it almost killed me spiritually and emotionally. By the way, I receiving counseling services from Susan P., (founder of this board) who strongly advised me to quit going to these mixed SLAA meetings. I dismissed her advice -- and have regretted it more than you know...
HaveFaith
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Post by Havefaith on Feb 14, 2016 15:24:04 GMT -8
Yes I was very disconcerted when a couple of the men rolled their eyes and made deragatory comments about a woman who was sharing her story about obsession and obsessive thinking (it was from a CD of stories from fellow addicts recorded from other meetings). While I could totally relate to the story, some of the men in the group were clearly bored (it was about a 10-15 minute talk). Their comments were very disrespectul afterwards (when we shared our reactions to her experience). Between that and the predator who targeted me, I stopped going to the meetings.
I ended up getting my "feedback" from a very competent talk therapist (woman) and psychiatrist (man) so I received excellent, healthy, professional perspectives from both the male/female angle. I thank HP every day that I was led to healthier recovery alternatives.
HaveFaith
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