I though I made this great friendship with connection . And then I was told that , she can't do this she plans exct. And she's annoyed. I stopped outreach with her. I suggested we do certain time . She refused . I feel rejected and going to social anorexia , where I don't want to contact other ppl because maybe I am taking to much about myself. It usually starts with my suggestion for each , but soon she's staring to dig deeper, and we end up talking for ages . Just sad but I guess it have to be a balance , not only 1 person to talk to every day. I am not sure about this freiendship can't lie and say all okay; when I next see her. What do you think ?
Hi Waterlili, How do you feel about this situation? I can give you my opinion, based on what you've written, but I'm not 100% sure I'm understanding the situation clearly. From what I understand, you are close friends with this person and you want to do an outreach program together, but she suddenly told you she doesn't want to anymore and you are feeling rejected and saddened by her response. It feels like the two of you have developed a close friendship, but maybe you feel she may be annoyed with some of the conversation you've been having lately. Is this correct? If so, I have my observations below. If not, disregard the following as it likely may not apply.
I think it was perhaps the friendship got so intense a bit too quick. Kind of like our LA relationships with the opposite sex. They get so intense so quickly and we get very focused on how the other people perceive us and often their treatment of us is more based on what's going on with them, not so much on you or what you're doing. Focus on how you feel and do not be overly concerned with her feelings. If you are meant to continue to be friends, you will be. If not, that's okay too. There are lots of people on the planet that you can do an outreach with. Have you thought of maybe doing this on your own? Try exploring these feelings a bit more.
Thank you for reply Leahb, I feel hurt and what you said it's right very intense friendship from my side. I barely know things about her, and with her profession she's usually turns conversation to my side. . I am very honest , and truthfull , I'd say what I think . I was first to contact her all the time. I am stopped doing that . But definatly I didn't think about being LA in woman friendship . I am outreaching with others . Tho ppl usually takes ages to reply . I am to overly responsible , I like to keep my promises.
Thank you for your opinion it means a lot. I feel little girl inside me that feels hurt , and matter of fact ! I always love more mature people , I haven't figured out why . .. This rejection shook me a bit and instead of more outreach I am doing my homework ( step 4 ), that takes ages.. And step5 in other fellowship . I'll leave this to Gods hands , it's my recovery and I have to look after myself even I will feel disappointments in the situacions and people. I tend to think : oh we so understand each other , but the thruth is - I can only understand myself ( and only by working steps), or going though life and in relationship with other ppl. This situation triggered my rejection , I am not good enough , I am not smart enough ( I should have known ), low self esteem. Loads of love leahb
Hi Waterlili, Thanks for the reply. I'm glad to hear you are seeing that you are being triggered and navigating those experiences. But (and let me do what my therapist does with me)- how does it feel in your body? How does feeling not good enough actually feel in your physical body?
For example, when I feel disappointed, my body feels a bit deflated, my chest tightens up and I feel small and my body slumps more and I feel heavy. Feeling these emotions helps me to understand what my body is doing in relation to the thought I am experiencing. It helps me get out of my head a bit.
Now-ask yourself "Can I stay with this feeling? Is this feeling bad? What is this feeling trying to show me?" Answering these questions and sitting with the feeling helps us to decrease our anxiety around uncomfortable thoughts and it actually decreases their intensity the next time we feel the same emotion.
So, for example, for me, I used to really hate being alone. It hurt me so much being by myself. Part of this was the way I had perceived loneliness as rejection and that no one wanted to be around me. I felt isolated, which to me felt like I was in a dark space, my chest was constricted, my breathing was shallow, it felt like it was never going to end and I felt trapped in my own body. The more I was willing to sit in those emotions and ask myself the questions, the more I realized that I was building my discomfort muscles and those intense negative emotions didn't have the weight they once did-or if they were still really intense, the time it took me to recover or get out of them was shortened significantly.
These tools are just suggestions. You do not have to use them, but if you do, let me know how it works for you. It will likely take several times of you using these tools before you reap the benefits.