I don't understand why this night I couldn't sleep?.. God , am I going crazy ? no. All the past just going trough my eyes like a movie , all family ,, illness ,, with consequence it's so visible to me. why I though I am going to die tonight , I needed herbal remedies to help me sleep.. But pain was just to Great to consume! The tears and my roar was so painful and Real . When I woke up , so did my mum . She's sleeping in first floor ( I downstairs ) , I did not made a lot of noice... It was God , she came to comfort me. After torture from my soul , the tears streaming down and my heart skipping very intensively ( felt pain), I watched joyce Meyer . The excruciating Pain felt like : giving birth x4 at once .... I am shattered .
I am scared to feel asleep . I pryed pryed and pryer and never as pure in my life.
My grandad sexually abused my aunty (mums sister ), mum told me the horror of her childhood .... My cousin ( my soul mate), she is in Denial . That's so painful to watch !
Her husband is a workaholic , overeater, cheater ... She thinks it's okay . She's not physically violent ( like her dad and her stepdad ), and it's okay .. I feel I'll for all off my mums generation till my kids.
At night I can only find comfort in God . It's 4 am in the morning , I calmed down at last.. I believe that God , brought my 2 veery close family members for me to heal . One of them ( mum) never was close to me before . That's shocking .
Thank you Lord that you kept me alive today , my children needs me . But even you torture me with certain feeling , I ll stay . I keep working , because I Love You .
Post by CodepNomore on Oct 16, 2015 20:42:56 GMT -8
This is the best post I have read thus far on spirituality here. Your childlike faith is what Jesus wants among us. I am delighted to read your heartfelt sharing my dear sister ~w~. You are not alone. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted." You are surrounded by the love of God and us here.
I am so happy to know about your bonding with your mom. It must have been God-sent or God-orchestrated events in your life. Love heals all wounds.
Healing is a process. When the wound is still fresh it hurts the most. But the pain you are experiencing now will produce in you the strength, depth, and resilience -- that would make you a triumphant warrior for life's daily battles instead of an easily defeated worrier.
Keep the faith, hope, and love. They are eternal. And yes, indeed, Jesus loves you perfectly and unconditionally, always and forever.
Your recovery is worth the pain of your withdrawal. Remember that "the pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow." Fantasy-based relationship is a lie. Face your reality and stay well!Kind Regards to all LAA members here, - Codepnomore
Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 17, 2015 10:22:10 GMT -8
From Co . . .
Your childlike faith is what Jesus wants among us. I am delighted to read your heartfelt sharing my dear sister Waterlili. You are not alone. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted." You are surrounded by the love of God and us here.
Matthew 18:2-4 New International Version (NIV)
He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 17, 2015 10:33:58 GMT -8
I am scared to fall asleep
We are all so different. I love to sleep. It was a coping mechanism as a child and still is. My favorite part is the part just before you go under to the land of dreams. Even PTSD nightmares don't persuade me to stay awake. When the nigthmares come I just wake myself up.
Make peace with sleep. When you get up write in your journal about your dreams. They guide you and help you understand what is going on in your unconscious.
I was in dream analysis once and I could not wait to fall asleep and have another prophetic dream.
We are all different. My heart goes out to you.
Process feelings about sleeping
Identify problem Vent Write Feel fear Accept Let go Forgive Move on.
I have no words to describe how I felt when you answer my all questions ,ext. I think --something like home comming ...
I have this enormous fear today / all days now since my mother is here.. I told her , that she's an alloholic . And that I am one too.. She started laughing , and my cousin too... That hurted soooo bad ; like the feeling that I am helpless , like they have this desease - but they in Denial .
I actually did AA questions and it clearly said my mum and me are Alkoholics, compulsive overeaters and I Know - sex and love addicts; fantazy addicts , over spenders , codependant !!
I am crying when I Writting it now. My tears flow from my scars and Soul . I have Never in my Life experienced Real Birth Of New Me.!!! God I am Ready for a change !!!
I m terified of my family , and hope we won't need any more tragedies .... To helped them to chose this path as I did, with the Name of God.
I am not just saying that, I have sickness in my stomach, tears and huge Pain of sick generations . My dead family members are moving and asking for that . Twice in my family - the graveyard stone ( memorial ) collapsed on - my 2 cousins sons , they were only little ....
So I told them straight - it was sighn ...
Another one my mothers husband is AA too- 100 proc !! I told my mother that and also she's admited , that he is a cheater : he caught his messages to other woman ... And there were Strange !! Event on my birthday 5 years ago!!!
Now I know what it was . When we were having a Boomer Party -all drinking , after we went sleep .. I woke up by strange noice, because mothers 3 husband ! - forgot to lock the doors !,
... . The unknown woman was standing in the room that Nearly Gave us all heart attack . My mother was sleeping too and was not less drunk .. But out of shock she immediately went Sober ... So her husband M .. Asker this woman out and ! Why she comes here ?!? ! How ... Why .. Exct .. All the questions were shut down by after she tryed to come in - she was drunk !! Soooo surely It WAS HER HOME! she was saying that tooo,,,God we believed ?!!! That she Was Crazy , Sje WAS NOT !! Now I know .
It was I am 100 percent sure his 1-2-? -3 ? wife , because he Lied to my mother - he was already disorder .. HE .. HIT HER ! In front of my Eyes and the rest ..........,.. OMG . I need to tell that to my mother, tho she's clearly in denial about jis addictions and herself ...
I am 100 percent codependant . I never spend soooo much time with anybody trying to explane RECovery .. aLL , i was Amazed she admited loads of truth I clearly put in her eyes. But not my dear soulmate ! Cousin .. Her son already was cached stealing .. Chocolate x 2 = tho her husband rich ( workaholic, cheater , owereater ) my dear cousin - commited suicide act but was saved ! Brvause she started triangle !!! She end up in psichatric hospital .. Was release d soon later .
they both tryed sending messages that they wanted drink ,, with me.. And I realy wanted act out badly too. I won victory by staying committed to My recovery For the sake of my kids and future generations !!!
I am codependant brvause I also , found AA 12 steps fellowship in my mothers town , address . Ext and told her to promise she will go // to AA ( I had a dream ! 2 mnth ago , she was going ).. Oh god or in overeaters AO group .
Today I left with feelings if absolute Surender my Will to God ! I've done so much in 2 days .. I made my mother swear she just go in Oa ( at least 6 times !!!! ) and only listen .. I fear once I found real intimacy with her yesterday , I never had that in my life , with her - I loose her AGAIN . And they turn they back to me ... I am sobbing ..
God I put my trust in your to work Your WAy not mine !! That was destiny brvause I never knew .. And I never wanted my mother to be second secret visitor on Thursday !! I was scared to face her... I DID . I am enormously blessed , gifted by loads of gifts today I see that .
It's 3 am and I have 1 hour till I loose them again !!! Because they flying home in 4 hours . Where my mothers husband waiting for her with alkohol. I made her promise for to refuse him a drink ( if she's not alloholic she will fit a month !! ) she admited it's imposible .... My tears streaming down from my soul : relieve , death , sacrifice , renuewal , grief , pain all are there . Present .
I have to let it go for my own sanity . Today My body screams to act out on my bottom line . Contact my ex !!
I ll pry better instead . Sober is better way of living for me and my beautiful children . My mother and cousin was shocked how my kids changed ! To the best in 2 years time . Of course after I started my recovery in this forum ..
I hope god will let me to see my mum going to AA or OA meetings .. She already has dangerous conditions ( blood pressure, overweight , kidneys near failiture !) she is in denial . She's an adict . LoDs of love . I am drained .
.... god put so much for me in gifts this weekend it is awesome to see / feel / know renewal in front of my eyes - heart . I have compete serenity today . Surender . Trust faith grace. I told my mother that ..too .. That I pry and that my kids pry ,, tho rearely ! For gratitude -- we have food , good friends, health exct .. In our pryers . And we talk about god .
I am blessed . God hold me I am your sheep . I need your light to shine me trough .. To lead me ..
God bless this amazing journey of my life, and people who put their trust in me.
On Friday .. We cryed with my mum sober when I said to her you are only wounded child , as me too.. And when she went bed I wrote her and cousin letter about this revelation . To have proof living proof to her darkest moments . That was Gods will to me. He send my mother for me to heal . I never new she was comming , my family kept a secret till she was actually stepping out of taxi and I experienced : hate/ denial/..... And renewal .. In these 3 days .
My dream was about death of me! I though I died in my life , I felt that I am in darkest places - secrets - grief of my suicide victim , uncle , dead grandfather / granny .. Sexually abused mothers sister ( by mums dad!!!))) my dreams recieved a lot. I loved sleeping and I slept about 40 percent of my recovery instead of working steps . And I actually pryer for willingness to work the steps .. I relate Susan . I LOVE YOU for this gift ( forum ) where You gave me the Keys to my sobriety . Sharing and creating this forum ! Bless you millionss . And all amazing people here..
Thanks for reply, it could be love addiction dying .. Yes.. What is still comes to my mind I love watching soap movies ( little love stories that ends good ). .. I went to church on Sunday with kids, I though that would be perfect place to be. Unfortunately it wasn't , the vicar was very rude . We left , my daughter was crying . Of course it was my fault what happened , but to be honest he's not God , so if he's rude I am not going to show him any respect .. He has no right to talk with my little one with this tone: God almighty . My butt . I love god because he's good and he loves all children , that every body is welcome . .. My son read kids book about god and that he said calmed him down. they are worried about their dad. We already said our pryers for him to heal and be dad their deserve!
We tall about gratitude too , what we have rather what we don't .