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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 18, 2015 13:24:43 GMT -8
This new thread about domestic violence and love addiction is open to the entire forum, including newcomers. You can discuss anything you want like thoughts about religion, politics, resources, and your personal story.
This is a sensitive issue. Those faint of heart should skip this forum.
John Bradshaw said when it came to our story, that it is all in the details. That is where the emotions are.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 18, 2015 13:27:47 GMT -8
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 18, 2015 13:29:04 GMT -8
I was lonely in 1967, so I married the first man who proposed. He started beating me right away. He went to prison and when he got out I asked him for a divorce. He calmly locked the door of our apartment and beat my face with a wine bottle. He kept saying, "Why do you make me do this to you? You know you still love me." I knew I needed to go to the emergency room, but when I asked he put a knife to my throat. He kept me hostage for three days. I kept defying him. Finally, in exhaustion I agreed to stay with him." I then said I needed to go to the store to by food. While I was gone I called my mother. I should have called the police but I was codependent and we don't do things like that. Heaven forbid he suffer in prison. My ex-husband talked to my mother and told her if she bought him a car to put his things in he would leave. She did and he left. For the next 6 months he came by once a week and crashed though my door asking me when I was going to take him back. The beatings continued until he met another codependent and lost interest. I understand everything there is to know about domestic violence including how we end up in such circumstances. The best book on the subject is by Leonor Walker. She is the one who got the courts to consider "increased tolerance" as a legal excuse for assault on a batterer. Before this the jury was not allowed to hear about the battering the defendants suffered before she hurt someone to gain her freedom. Ms. Walker got the courts to accept self-defense as a mitigating circumstance. My name is Susan Peabody and I am a survivor of domestic violence.
I suffer from PTSD including nightmares twice a night about home invasions and being in a war zone. God help you if you startle me.
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Post by ~w~ on Oct 18, 2015 18:38:50 GMT -8
I can relate to all of your paragraphs it was me, I ve done it . Only one changed , the physical violence to my body from my abuser - my last ex . A year ago. When I had anxiety attack , because I found out he is a Cheater ( which he said I overreacted ,, my fault ), my body was shaking ! Fear of death when I know I will eventually have to leave this relationship and possibility! Very high of suicidle ; because after kids dad ( 5-4 years ago) physical abuse I made a promise in sober mind- I'll always leave an abuser . Once I make promise I commit to that , despite my addiction. Not always success but I try .. So when he pulled ( last ex) my hair , when he was in angry state . , I remember my promise ( I tried to shut it down sooo bad !!for another relapse - and only ? His physical violence act : snatched the doors / In rented accommodation in front of my eyes,, kids heard it - he lied why he done that..
And in new house ( permanent !! ) he snatched my bin with his leg - broked it .. I just brought it .. And man , I struggled with money ...
Because knowing his history ( he told me all - cruel monstrous father ) I said clearly in my mind , while still in early contact with him .. Only online dating site -- I said in my head this man has an anger issues , so I shouldn't have relationships with him !reddd Flagg . After a month he was living with me, I needed him to repeated my dads abuse to my mother and me
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 19, 2015 13:57:01 GMT -8
Please remember that men are victims of domestic violence also. See the movie "Men Don't Tell." 
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 19, 2015 14:03:15 GMT -8
Codependents project their own fear of rejection on to their partners and we need to fight this. Mis-guided loyalty and sympathy just get in the way of our safety.
I believe that abusive relationships fall into a separate category and have to be treated with tough love and ultimatums. No counseling. No compromises. No trial separations. No "lets see how things go." GET OUT IMMEDIATELY.
The only interventions I ever do are when my client is being battered. The relationship must end.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 20, 2015 10:27:52 GMT -8
I want to bring up a sensitive issue. It is a little known circumstance that I only learned as a survivor and counselor. Victims experience increased tolerance for the abuse according to Leonor Walker. Very rarely, they get addicted to the abuser, just as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder gets addicted to cutting or burning themselves for reasons discussed in he literature about Borderlines. As I said, this is rare. So a good therapist needs to identify whether their client is a Borderline and might be putting herself in a position to get hurt. This does not let the abuser off the hook. He should not be enabling this rare affliction. I understand this is shocking and complicated, but it is what happened to me. Oops. Let's take this to the PM feature if people want to discuss it further. 
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 20, 2015 10:35:07 GMT -8
In 1969, when I was abused, the worst days were the days I got my welfare check. My abuser wanted it. I used to sit on the porch and wait for the mail man. When the check came, I quickly paid the rent and bought some food and then went home to another beating.
I can't say enough about Lenore Walker's idea of "increased tolerance." I was so shocked when it first started, but eventually I just had coffee with my other abused friends the next day and we compared notes. I was numb, but as I said in my other post it got even worse than that because I am a Borderline. Before we created the term love addict, we were all considered Borderlines.
Talking on this level is making it hard to breathe. I hope it helps somebody..
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Post by loveellen on Nov 1, 2015 5:05:41 GMT -8
In 1969, when I was abused, the worst days were the days I got my welfare check. My abuser wanted it. I used to sit on the porch and wait for the mail man. When the check came, I quickly paid the rent and bought some food and then went home to another beating. I can't say enough about Lenore Walker's idea of "increased tolerance." I was so shocked when it first started, but eventually I just had coffee with my other abused friends the next day and we compared notes. I was numb, but as I said in my other post it got even worse than that because I am a Borderline. Before we created the term love addict, we were all considered Borderlines. Talking on this level is making it hard to breathe. I hope it helps somebody.. tears ...............
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Post by terryt on Nov 1, 2015 8:21:12 GMT -8
Hugs 
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Post by AliMeows on Oct 5, 2016 5:24:26 GMT -8
I can very much relate. I have been in one abusive relationship after another. Only a few men I've had relationships with in my entire 36 years have not been physically abusive. I told myself as a child I would never put my kids through the abuse I witnessed and was subjected to by my alcoholic father and I have managed to find the strength to escape every abusive relationship I was in but I continue to attract men who abuse me. I am tired of running away. In my current relationship I put up with the abuse and even went to the extent of telling the police I made it all up so they would reverse a restraining order they put in place, because I have gotten to the point of almost expecting that this will happen and telling myself "all men are not a very nice persons, I just have to find an not a very nice person I can live with". I cant imagine having daughters and teaching them this distorted way of thinking.... Something is very wrong with our society that we accept this and continue to raise children who end up as adults like me because we are so damaged from our childhood abusers. The Domestic Violence counseling programs mandated for abusers are a joke. There needs to be more outreach and incentives for VICTIMS to seek real substantial help when abuse is brought to the attention of authorities. It is very hard for someone like me to find the help I need when I feel so much shame and embarrassment and when it feels like no one really cares and when I am overwhelmed with the responsibilities of caring for my children. The focus is on punishing the abuser financially and not actually breaking the cycle of abuse.
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Post by Zev on Aug 20, 2018 12:05:19 GMT -8
Hi all. I'm feeling really torn. I feel like part of me is overreacting because my x didn't beat me up. Over six years there was the occasional slap, breaking of things, but I grew up with real violence and I know the difference. It doesn't justify what happened, but I don't know. There was verbal, physical, digital abuse, but part of me thinks I deserved that. Like if only I was a better partner, more adult, more together, he wouldn't have always been so upset with me. My step father told me when I was young, he said, I've grounded you, I've tried taking things away, I've tried taking nice to you. He said he didn't know what else to do but slap me. Maybe that's how I learned to respond. Like I'm only doing all the dishes, coming, cleaning etc. out of fear. Yes some of it was because I wanted to make my partner happy. But I want it to not be fear based. I need to retain my brain... How?
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Post by kissers on Jul 30, 2019 15:12:26 GMT -8
I was beaten and robbed for two years by someone. My gut told me something was strange about him the moment I saw him, but he somehow hooked me into feeling sorry for him. The abuse escalated rapidly. I would give him my money and he would reject me like I was defective. I don't know how it happened. I look back now and felt like I was under some kind of spell. There's no way in this world would I ever be attracted to him. I don't know how he did it. I still get suicidal at times from what he did to me. It brought up a lot of my past and how mistreated I allowed myself to be. I'm in a very dark place and is a very precarious position which is not good at all.
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