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Post by paisley on Oct 23, 2015 8:37:40 GMT -8
I notice some people behave very black and white (myself included) when they are new to the concept of setting healthy boundaries. I recall my mom having this friend who was new to recovery. We went out to eat and her order was wrong. It was so hard for her to speak up for herself, but she decided to do it because "boundaries" and it was time for her to learn how to communicate what she wanted.
Sounds great, but she got really emotional and was actually kind of rude and abrasive in her delivery, which I found unneccessary. There are polite ways to express your wants or communicate your dissatisfaction. A grey area between being a door mat and going off on someone for giving you mayo instead of mustard. I suppose we are all triggered by different things and find various scenarios more difficult than most other people would though.
So now that I feel pretty far along in LA recovery, I'm trying to apply this "grey area" concept to my interactions with people.
I have the hardest time being OK with guys who don't give me what I want when it comes to our relationships. I've been trying to exist in that grey area, which essentially means no expectations, but it's oh so hard. I keep having expectations. I'm not fantasizing, really...and I feel my take on the situation is realistic and accurate. But I expect certain people to show me affection in certain ways and I'm disappointed (or even angry) when they won't/can't.
I know this certain person is interested and attracted to me, however for what ever reason he's not willing or able to act on it with me. He's told me the situation can be too overwhelming for him to know how to act or what to say/do.
Fair enough, he's emotionally unavailable. My life goes on. I make no plans that involve him. I no longer invite him to do things (he has declined or cancelled invites) yet I keep him on as a friend, albeit a distant, detached one. Then I find him ramping things up with me again, causing hope and expectations, only to be let down again when I realize this is still a dead end.
It's strange because we connect very deeply on some level, but it's on his terms really...I'd like to be closer physically and emotionally, he knows this...but he's not allowing it. He's so guarded he's shut off and unavailable. He admits it. I'm not making it up. He's simply unavailable to me in the context of romance. Period.
I've been debating the option of going NC with him for 2+ years. Doing so would be noticed, and commented upon thus forcing the issue and causing me to declare my dissatisfaction with his lack a of real presence in my life. Childish on my part, but I don't want to stroke his ego any further and latch on to him (strange how I equate enacting a boundary as "latching on"). What I WANT is for him to put himself out there and initiate meaningful interaction with me in the context of exploring our romantic interests in each other. He won't, or he can't, and I understand that and accept that about him. I know I can't change that and I enjoy his (rare) companionship and his thoughtful correspondence, which is plentiful. I just can't help wanting MORE from him and EXPECTING his affection and attention to develop.
I don't want to disappear and shut myself off to him. I want to retain his friendship (as limited and detached as it is). I accept he's unavailable in a romantic sense, I feel I don't expect him to change, but I have an expectation for him to develop something with me when he "ramps things up" by using terms of endearment or commenting on our level of intellectual bond or making these "we should do XYZ" type empty suggestions.
When I see how all that is a dead end, I kind of get mad and want to shut him out or make demands. I'm not acting on it either way, but I see how he's testing my boundaries and has been, repeatedly for a long time. Part of me actually appreciates the lesson in knowing that I can't possess him. I can't expect anything from him. I can exist in a grey area where I'm not getting what I want from someone, yet I don't hate him or feel a need to cut him from my life.
I can be calm and cool and protect my heart. I don't pine for him, but he obviously occupies my thoughts. I can admire him as a friend and love his character (as it doesn't pertain to romantic interactions with me) and just let it go WITHOUT feeling abused or taken for granted because I know he's not going to deliver what I WANT.
Now, how to stop wanting. I don't know if that's just how it is or if these desires will go away with time as I learn to temper my expectations and ignore any subtle, vague, empty feelers he's putting out. On an intellectual, platonic level...he's amazing. On a romantic or physical level, he's MIA with no hope of recovery. I must let go of hope and want if I'm to remain in this grey area with him. He's not toxic, he just isn't capable of being in a romantic relationship with me. Why must this even be an issue? I don't know anyone else who would hold onto hope in this situation. And what good is hope anyway? Perhaps I should see it for what it is...delusion. Meaningless.
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Post by leahb on Oct 23, 2015 9:54:57 GMT -8
Hi Paisley, Ultimately, you must make a decision that is most aligned with your values and where you are at at this specific time. I agree with Paisley on working the Steps as well at this time. I had a friend one time hear me talk about a male friend of mine that I liked. I talked for a good couple of minutes before he brought up to me how dysfunctional I sounded, making excuses and looking for "lessons" in the relationship like you've mentioned. I am not saying you sound dysfunctional by no means-please do not take it this way. Try re-reading your post as if it were someone else's on this board. What feedback/support would you have for them? I think going NC is a great idea. It's not about offending him or making him feel bad. That is his experience and his choice to opt into that. It's about making sure your needs are met and that you aren't hanging on for something else. We care about you on these boards and want to see you reach your best possible state of health and happiness.  |
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Post by leahb on Oct 23, 2015 9:55:51 GMT -8
I meant that I agree with Vivi-sorry about that confusion.
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Post by denverdignity on Oct 23, 2015 10:42:36 GMT -8
SOunds to me like yet another unavailable, they are toxic for you even if they are good people, you cant handle them because the love addict in you wants them and they are not healthy for you. I would pull out old Natalie Lue books again like mr unavailable and the fallback girl, get you back to where you should be strong healthy and looking for love from those who are not going to play with your heart even if they don't mean to.
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 23, 2015 11:40:29 GMT -8
You know I'm always preaching about availability right? And my most important point is that if you get into a relationship with an unavailable person, you're the one who is really unavailable. And I hate to say it but your scenario Paisley, is one of those great examples. I can't remember where, but I read a really fabulous article on how we make ourselves available. And one of the best "feng shui" things we can do is get rid of all the guy "friends," and the "friends with benefits" and the ambivalent ones who haven't made their move in two years. It turns out we tend to keep characters in our lives like this merely to pass the time and help us wait out the loneliness and boredom until someone real comes along. Trouble is, these types of guys do two detrimental things: they keep you from being 100% available, by driving off potential suitors, and they don't allow you to experience the true sense of aloneness that we all must, if we are to appreciate living a more authentic life.
SO, I think pretty straightforward boundaries are essential in this case.
As a single friend of mine always says, "If I have to convince him to pick up the phone to ask me out on a date, I'll most likely have to spend eternity trying to convince him to do everything else. There will never be a time when his intimacy will be easy and forthcoming. That's not how I want to live."
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Post by paisley on Oct 23, 2015 12:32:51 GMT -8
I just don't know. I don't feel like I'm hanging on out of compassion or making any excuses for his emotional disinterest. It is what it is. I've worked through my abandonment issues so there's none of that. No need to change him or be with him. I've put nothing on hold for him. I'm out there and ready to date, and have done so...giving him next to no thought in the process because I don't see him as an option at this point.
Unless he changed his mind of course, on his own. But I'm not holding my breath. (At least most of the time I'm not)
He's a friend of my friends, so we will cross paths on occasion. I can learn how to stop wanting him, or accept that I want him but won't have him, or I can take action (start ignoring him, NC etc) which I've considered, but I also feel like that's overreacting. It's like I'd rather just learn to accept that it's not going to be and adjust my ideas about what our friendship looks like and be OK with it.
I just forsee it turning into a "thing" if I go no contact, and I'd rather just accept that it's not a thing and never will be. I think I'm mostly there, but then I feel this hope spring up.
Lately I'm starting to see that this hope is pretty generic. It's more like a general hope that I'd like to have a significant other. Not necessarily this guy, or the cute guy I met last week, or the cute guy I met last month...but ~A GUY~. And I suppose that's normal because I'm a human being. I just find myself directing that hope upon this guy again and again due to his mixed signals. It's high time this behavior no longer turns me on, so to speak. I don't want to have to break ties with every guy who exhibits the confusing behavior that happens to trigger me. I want to learn to not be triggered. Let's face it, it seems a bit odd to cut someone out with whom I've had no romantic connection because he's not acknowledging me on a romantic level. I'm expecting something unreasonable, so I'd like to stop expecting it.
Just having a hard time rationalizing my way around this guy. It's been that way off and on for quite a while. My goal has been to accept him as is...without thinking he owes me more. He doesn't. Maybe that's just an excuse to keep him in the periphery. Maybe letting him go 100% is the real step towards recovery...and maintaining healthy boundaries with him as a friend is an unrealistic, unattainable goal. I'm not sure.
Regardless, I've been working the steps in fine detail for years, and this guy still seems to test me off and on. I feel childish wanting to take any sort of action because if he's telling me he's unavailable (yet loves me in a platonic sense and values my insight) then that's it. I would like more...but it does not have to come from him. He's no barrier to me getting what I desire from someone else, since he's such a non-entity. He's very interested in what I do and who I see, but not enough to be an active player in that equation. I know this...I just want to kindly accept it for what it is.
My whole problem with LA stems from using men to avoid reality and install these relationships upon them. He's not allowing that. I want to be ok with that. When that happens in my dating relationships, I'm good at establishing distance and usually cut the person out, at least for a while. This one has never been more than a friendship. I'm not jilted, but I am disappointed that it never got off the ground. I should realize he knows himself better than me and if he's saying no, there's good reason for it. If he's not willing, that should be the end of the story.
I don't know if I'm "acting out" by trying to work through my possessiveness and control issues while maintaining contact. I don't know that I'd consider him a POA or just someone I know who I'd like to date who doesn't want to date me. Lots of men don't want to date me and I don't cease contact with them as a result...so I'm not sure why I allow this one to give me this false hope, and thus, disappointment. But I want to stop falling into that trap.
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Post by leahb on Oct 23, 2015 19:26:37 GMT -8
I hear you on this post Paisley-but I have to concur with Lovely June on this one. I think even having male friends sometimes is a bad thing. He appears to be playing games with you, even though it comes across as something else. It's what guys like that do. They like to keep girls somewhat interested. It's a game they play. He's "Unavailable" but yet "very interested in what I do and who I see, but not enough to be an active player in that equation". I'm going to play the bad guy here, and make some observations and ask a couple of tough questions... 1. You appear to be quite close to this man, but he wants nothing to do with you romantically and you are not willing to take action and let him go. Why are you so attached? What about the situation is bothering you so much about going NC? What is really the issue? There are plenty of other people you can meet that are available for a relationship with you. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone that is available for you and isn't dating someone else. You're worthy. 2. Look at how long your post is. Most of it is centered around this man and creating plausible reasons for why you need to keep him in your life. Is he so important that you need to make this 'friendship' work? 3. What about the situation is truly triggering you? I know you have not identified him as a POA, but he triggers your LA. I think people that trigger us to fall back down the rabbit hole need to be cut out of our lives-maybe temporarily, maybe permanently until we better understand the situation. Going NC can help you gain clarity around the manner. He may be a POA, but frequent contact is keeping you from obsessing because he's actually in your life. It may actually be interesting to see if not having him in your life will trigger you. Ultimately, its your decision. I don't mean to offend you with any of my observations or questions, its just things I noticed is all. Honestly, I have been in this situation myself and going NC was the best thing I ever did. Certain people are not in my thoughts nearly as much and I've learned to put the past where it belongs. Behind me. Good luck with whatever you try. |
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Post by leahb on Oct 23, 2015 19:35:12 GMT -8
I'm sorry if this post came off as aggressive. Reading it back now, it appears to be that way. I apologize. My intent was to probe a little bit, and offer a different perspective is all.
Take care and thanks for sharing.
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 24, 2015 2:57:40 GMT -8
Do you think that keeping him in your life leaves you open to your love addiction? That sounds like the bottom line. If your LA hinges on using men to avoid reality, doesn't this guy kinda fit the bill? Having hope and/or fantasizing about an unavailable/avoidant man is not exactly realistic. Is it? All that recovery asks of you is that you be 100 percent honest with yourself.
I know for me, if there were no potential romantic interests on my radar I was always more willing to expand my circle of potential mates to truly inappropriate characters. It was like my brain needed to hope for or think about someone, ANYONE, as if it couldn't handle thinking of no one. If I was thinking of no one and no one was on my radar, I didn't feel like me. I didn't feel like I existed. Of course, this is what time and time again got me in trouble. Challenge yourself. See if you can actually exist with no one in the background or foreground of your mind. Pretend for at least a while that you're not going to have ~A GUY~ as scary as that seems. But again, love addicts needs to experience who they are without someone. It's the hardest thing to do. It was the hardest thing I ever experienced. For sure.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 24, 2015 11:14:38 GMT -8
I notice some people behave very black and white (myself included) The "all or nothing" personality trait is sometimes a symptom of the Borderline Personality Disorder. It comes from the Borderline Split in which the child splits into two personalities, one that becomes a survivor and the other that go to the unconscious and becomes, as an adult, either codependent or narcissist. The borderline can only live in one reality or the other. They cannot see the middle ground. When they are angry this is all they can feel. They can't comprehend anything else. Same with other emotions. They lose common sense and become enslaved to what they feel at the time, for example the desire to connect with the PoA. It is complicated. You can research this on Google. Everything must be in moderation. Recovery is the center of life. The gray area. Work on becoming centered and seeing the pros and cons of everything. We are not good or bad. We are works in progress.  |
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Post by terryt on Oct 25, 2015 8:03:48 GMT -8
Great reading you guys. Thanks for all of this.
I am still pretty early on in my recovery so there is still so much ground for me to explore.
I am new to this "single" bit. Even though I've been single (unmarried) for ten years. I have been chasing men relentlessly for all of that. Even though I was in a "relationship" for the last 8 years with Mr. Unavailable....I was myself "unavailable"
Its so good to look at myself, and try to understand "myself" instead of looking at my POA....or anyone else in my life who is an unhealthy attachment, and keep trying to analyze them.
Keep the focus on ME....and I can only get better
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Post by denverdignity on Oct 25, 2015 8:59:31 GMT -8
Vivi I have noticed your posts lately have been so powerful, they have me thinking and they really resonate with me, you write so beautifully, very insightful.
I just wanted to say in this string everyone on here seems so on top of the love addiction and its roots and I like Paisley how you bring these situations to the table and sort through them on here, it helps me also see into my own behavior and weigh the pros and cons as you intelligently do.
Thanks all for the very knowledgeable and helpful supportive yet honest and direct responses and posts!
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Post by denverdignity on Oct 25, 2015 9:00:38 GMT -8
Welcome Terry, did you post your story in the introductions yet?
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Post by denverdignity on Oct 25, 2015 10:10:51 GMT -8
Paisley the string maintaining LC is kind of interesting and relates a little bit to the brainstorming you've been doing with what to do with this present friend, may provide some insight for you things to think about on LC
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Post by denverdignity on Oct 25, 2015 10:11:27 GMT -8
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Post by terryt on Oct 25, 2015 11:32:09 GMT -8
Denverdignity
My story has come to this board in dribs and drabs....bits and pieces. I have been telling it for just over a year now on this board.
I feel that telling ones story (or at least mine anyway) needs to come out slowly....over time....the way the addiction came...in my case that is.
Not sure if its like that for everyone else, but it was like that for me for sure. And there are so many variables, twists, turns, corners and vistas to it all. Every day a new day...each and every day a new challenge.
I love reading on here...it helps to keep me sane and my feet on the ground
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Post by paisley on Oct 25, 2015 17:22:14 GMT -8
i have been thinking about this and it's true. It doesn't matter. I am going to cease contact and if that forces the issue so be it. I think I can clearly express my thoughts, if need be, and draw a real boundary, and stop participating in this joke of a friendship. I've been doing a lot of thinking this weekend and it feels like my life needs a lot of change. A company has contacted me about a job in my old industry and hopefully it's a fit and we can come to an agreement. I'm very unfulfilled where I'm working now, I'm not progressing and that feeling is seeping in to all parts of my life. I have too much free time during work, and I'm not creating anything of any substance. Ive been wanting to move downtown and I haven't followed through on it. It will be difficult, and I'll likely have to move twice to pull this off (rent after I sell), but I don't belong in the 'burbs. That's no longer me...the gal who needs a yard and three bathrooms and bedrooms for someone's kids...that's no longer my life and I need to embrace that and go through the change that will be difficult and expensive and stressful to put in place. I need to start living MY life...not the life of what I thought I'd become (remarried with a family to come home to). One of my best girlfriends is dating a new guy, another girlfriend is occupied with some important things lately. I've been traveling and feel disconnected from my community. Winter is coming on and that is a real trigger for me. I dread the darkness and cold. I've made some new contacts recently but just don't feel very bonded to anyone and although I know solitude is something I must accept, I admit to wanting to feel connected. What this results in for me is spending too much time online social networking. Too much time checking and sending messages. Too much time getting sucked into dead end friendships unavailable people. I'm tempted to shut down my Facebook, but then I think I'd just like to use it more wisely. I've said this before and I've failed to follow through with more self control so I think maybe it is best if I shut it down. If I'm not running around the country having adventure after adventure, I feel like I'm dull and I have no purpose. Maybe that's me being black and white. I want to settle in to that middle ground and be ok with it. I really haven't felt that level of contentment since I was married.  Maybe turning off these time sucking bad habits will force me into living more purposefully. It will force me to shape things up and find more productive things to do with my time like reaching my goals. I am am going to think about that. I guess part of me fears not being easily connected and missing out. Maybe be ill give myself one more chance. 1. Turn off notifications from Facebook so I don't get them in my email 2. Take the app off my phone 3. Never get on it between 8-5 M-F. NEVER! 4. Specify one time (PER WEEK?) that I log on and check it for messages, invites, etc. ill try try this experiment through the end of the year. If I can't abide by the rules, I'll have to recognize it as the addiction it is and get rid of it 100%. Heck, if it works out well, I may decide I'm better without it and shut it down anyway. Deleting the app now, right after I shut off the notification settings. See if I can go till next Sunday without logging on. |
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Post by leahb on Oct 25, 2015 17:43:25 GMT -8
Hi Paisley, I'm glad to see you have done some thinking about your life in general. It sounds like we're a lot alike. I've been struggling with many of the same issues as you do-especially since my divorce. I never had children with my ex and in many ways I do feel like I missed out on something amazing. BUT, in other ways, people with children have just as many issues to deal with. Trust me. I know many Moms that feel invisible in their own lives, so much so that they drink to escape it all. It's sad, but that appears to be the world many of us live in. I feel the same way about social media and the internet in general. I need to get off of it more as well. It's been sucking my day away and I want to do other things. Things that are more fulfilling. Getting outside today was a big help in me feeling better, so was the gym. Perhaps setting goals is something I should be doing again-or at least re-visiting them. I feel that need to feel connected too. That's one of the many reasons I'm on this board and I go to 12 Step meetings. It feels like so many of us on here are facing similar challenges. Good luck with everything, and I hope you find some connection in your life. I don't think people are meant to exist separate from one another, but sometimes us LAs need that to appreciate and grow to love solitude. Take care, |
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Post by paisley on Oct 28, 2015 15:58:35 GMT -8
This Facebook restriction is working out well so far. I deleted the app from my phone, so there's no automatic logging on when I'm bored. Instead of reading/writing messages to "friends" I've been reading a book or listening to podcasts to wind down before bed. Instead of looking at pictures of what random people had for lunch, I'm interacting more with those around me. I'm not even a real phone addict in this regard, I'd rather be social...but I see how I've been staring at a screen as a sad alternative to possibly being temporarily bored or a little socially awkward without knowing what else to do. Instead of looking at cat videos, or chatting with unavailable men out of boredom, I researched this company with the job opportunity and thought up some good questions to ask in the interview. Since I've turned off the email notifications, instead of getting a ping telling me that so and so tagged me in a picture, I've only gotten a few emails in my personal inbox. they were all either from the hiring manager with the company who has the job opportunity, or my friends wanting to plan our camping trip. Instead of keeping abreast of all the changes in relationship statuses and looking at dog pictures, I rocked a software conversion at work and got the buy in from my team to implement some major changes. Oh, and I rocked the job interview today too. Since I prepared well, I was able to represent my experience and skills very well and I asked some really in depth questions about the company and the position. The only thing that may hurt me is that I don't have strong supervisory experience, but oh well. That's not my strong point so if I'm not a perfect fit so be it. I did my best and feel I could do some great things for them and was able to communicate it. So my plan is to log on to Facebook this weekend to check any messages and browse a bit if I feel like it. Usually I have fun things to do on the weekend so I imagine I won't be online for long, so I may have to do without knowing what restaurant people "checked in" to. I told a friend that I've banned myself from Facebook during the week and she thought it was an awesome idea and it motivated her to review her own habits. She was concerned about missing out on activities though, and I said "oh well, if someone wants me there, they'll contact me another way if I don't respond to a FB invite...and I'd only miss out if they gave less than a week's notice." I won't make any sort of announcement in a FB post. The people with whom I interact on a face to face level will find out in casual conversation. Right now this seems great! It actually feels freeing not to get these petty notifications throughout the day or see these messages. Like I flipped a switch and it no longer exists. Sometimes I think maybe it would be cool to never log onto it again. But I see value in using it....I just see no reason right now to use it every day. It's kind of freeing, actually. Strange as that may seem. I have some interesting, meaningful connections on Facebook....but some connections are pretty meaningless. I imagine when I log on again, I'll hide most people from my feed (a great number of them are already hidden) and maybe do another mass purge (unfriending) of all but my most meaningful connections. I feel good about the changes I've implemented so far this week. More to come! |
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Post by Havefaith on Oct 28, 2015 16:13:32 GMT -8
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Post by leahb on Oct 28, 2015 16:16:27 GMT -8
Hi Paisley, Thank you for posting this. I think I may do the same thing once I go back to work in a few days. I want to have my own time to do other things. Podcasts are great, books are great and moving will be great too. Take care and keep going |
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Post by paisley on Nov 11, 2015 18:31:09 GMT -8
2.5 weeks with my new FB regimen. So far it's working out really well. I missed out on an invite the 2nd week, but it's something I would have likely declined anyway.
I've mentioned to a few friends that I'm not connected to it during the week, so important people in my life know to reach me another way if it's important.
The biggest change is that I'm not wasting time chatting to this emotionally unavailable guy anymore. If this lazy mode of communication is our only bond, then I'm ready to break it. It feels empowering not to settle for or participate in this kind of a friendship.
A few times I have kind of craved logging on out of boredom or curiosity. But I just reminded myself that I'm raising the bar as far as how I communicate with people. FB is a powerful and useful tool, but I really don't think it's healthy to check it several times a day or to be linked directly to it via email notifications. I'll check it on weekends and post comments, likes, whatever. During the week, I need to have more focus.
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Post by leahb on Nov 11, 2015 19:28:50 GMT -8
I agree Paisley and am saying "Bravo!" for sticking to your parameters. YAY! Good job |
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Post by paisley on Nov 21, 2015 5:29:41 GMT -8
Well, another week of no Facebook during the work week. Had my 2nd interview with the company that approached me and it went very well. Slammed at my current job and concerned I'm about to leave them in a bind if I get an accept an offer. Life is very full and rich. happy hours, dinners, jogging, hiking, museums, festivals, parties. i couldnt ask for more and I'm greatful. I'm planning what i want to do in advance, for the most part. I'm missing out on the last minute facebook invites. Strangely, I'm getting these invites from friends who I've talked to face to face about my facebook regimine. People who agreed with me that this was a good choice in habits and they were inspired to do the same. So that shows how lame the facebook invite can be when you've been sent one by someone who knew you wouldnt get it!  . During the week i need to focus more on work, self care, keeping things in order, etc. I can accept serious invites made a week or so in advance or by someone actually calling/texting to invite me. that puts more quality in my interactions. I came across this article about lasting relationships. i always knew having the ability to share joy was one of my favorite qualities in couples with whom i like to spend my time. Now science concurs and says this is key to longevity and avoiding chronic unhappiness in your relationships. www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/ |
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Post by paisley on Nov 30, 2015 11:27:34 GMT -8
I've been doing well to stay off FB during the workweek, but the emotionally unavailable guy has continued to send me messages. I'm ashamed to say he sent me a vague note that had me thinking (incorrectly, of course) that he wanted to get together.
I called him on his vagueness and his manipulation once again, and now that it's Monday, I won't be looking at these FB messages for the rest if the week, but I see now that I really need to go NC with him. All the way.
I'm really upset that I've allowed myself to be treated this way once again by someone who makes zero effort to be in my life or be any sort of friend, yet thinks he knows me...thinks I am his friend...
I have the week to think about how I'm implementing NC. I may just "unfriend" and block him with no explanation. I may let him know in an unemotional way that he's not doing anything a friend would do. He's not an active part of my life so I'll no longer provide him with entertainment. I don't care what our mutual friends think. I don't care if I run into him. I've got no reason to be ashamed but he does. I see how unhealthy he is. How he's addicted to social media and can only date through online apps. Taking any hope of romance off the table (that ship has long since sailed) he's not displaying an appropriate level of interest to be a mere platonic friend.
This has been going on 2.5 years with me gaining and losing hope as to whether we can establish and maintain a friendship of any sort. We can't. Even with my FB habits under strict control, he seeps in. He ups the ante since I've withdrawn and tries to propose something real, only it's not. When he clarifies, it's all "tongue in cheek" or he has no intention of ever having a sit down, face to face relationship with me. I'm done. I have to be done with this!
The good news is that I got a job offer. It's lower than what I requested so I'm countering with my firm number. We'll see. I'm active, I'm involved in great things. I meet new people all the time. My calendar is full. I'm doing healthy, adventurous things, but I remain single. The winter months trigger me when I hear people talk about cuddling and I go home alone. I want to share my joys with someone but all I get is men towards whom I'm not attracted, or guys towards whom I am attracted, but they don't feel the same. I know I can't rush the timing. And I'm happy that I have healthier people in my life. I'm not settling for "losers" and there really aren't any hanging around. I have a new male friend I'm getting to know very slowly, but the addict in me wants it all right now.
Maybe that's why this message guy irritated me so much. I see it for the dead end that it is and I've had quite enough. But then again, it seems to have brought out sadness and loneliness in me. I'm getting that "life isn't fair" attitude again. I look at how well I do in my career, how many great friends I have, and it seems to highlight how I simply CANNOT exist in a romantic relationship anymore. Gals with horrid careers and dysfunctional relationship skills who are in poor physical condition do better than I do when it comes to men. I see it all the time. At times this makes me really angry. I guess I haven't totally accepted this major flaw in my life...the one where I can't be in a romantic relationship. I need to get back to a state of acceptance over the fact that it's probably just not going to happen for me. I'll get there.
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Post by leahb on Nov 30, 2015 14:37:07 GMT -8
Hi Paisley,
Just delete that dude out of your life. NC and delete delete delete.
I've been going through the same feelings and same experience. I've also noticed the same about other people. BUT-I like to look at these situations as the Universe taking its time, because it wants to deliver someone amazing. Someone that matches you on all levels. It's just that right now, you aren't yet at that high operating level for relationships with men yet. You're getting there, but it does take time. It will happen as it suppose to.
Take care,
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Post by paisley on Nov 30, 2015 15:15:04 GMT -8
Yeah I'm just wondering what that high operating level is. I know I shouldn't compare/contrast but I do. I know I've been prone to delusional thinking in the past, thinking I'm worthless or "less than", but maybe now that's swinging the other way. Maybe I'm delusional in thinking that I am OK and smart and attractive because, besides my platonic friends, I'm the only one who seems to think this. I am in awe when a guy doesn't make a move, thinking he's a fool not to want all this. This cute guy I met has been going out with this other gal and I feel I'm much more attractive than her physically, I have a better career, he and I have the same religious views and this gal he's seeing does not. He connects to me, laughs at my jokes, buys me little gifts...but asks her out. I don't get it. Same thing with another guy who introduced me to his new GF on thanksgiving. I'm like WTF? I play it cool, these other gals pounce and possess, and I go home alone. I understand I don't want to drag a guy along for the ride, but it seems that these smart, cute, educated, gainfully employed men are snatched up from under my nose while I'm busy trying not to control, possess or direct the situation. I'm waiting for them to come to me (and they do, we get along GREAT and I think it's going somewhere) but apparently they're waiting for someone else to make the first move too, so there ya go. It's like I get their interest, but I'm not quite interesting enough to actually ask out one on one. This message guy is toying with me and I've allowed it. I know one sick man's opinion of me does not define me, but right now I feel like a joke. Yeah, I don't think he deserves the courtesy of an explanation, I'm just going to cease contact. Stop playing his game, whatever it is. This has to be the final straw. I'm just mad at myself for allowing it and having hope and expectations when there was no reason to. I'm stressed with the job change thing, so I'm sure I'm just reaching for man drama to distract me. His timing sucks. So does the timing of all these other guys who are not asking me out. I get concerned when I start feeling so desperate...but I know better than to stoop back down to the types of relationships I used to have. Seriously, it needs to be right and healthy and there's no guarantee that I'll have that. It is not owed to me so I need to accept it and go on with my happy life. It's also disappointing that I feel this urge to pine and put my focus on some guy (I seem to have crushes on 3, two of which have possibility...but nothing is developing quickly so I'm on edge) just because life is stressful right now. I'm feeling such pity for myself. I hate winter. I feel like I'm lacking touch and emotional support...even though I have emotional support. It's just not coming from where I want it. Maybe some change will do me good. New job, then new condo. We're negotiating salary again in the morning. I just wish I could go home to a hug and maybe a nice back rub...but no. Not for me. |
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Post by leahb on Nov 30, 2015 15:36:00 GMT -8
I'd recommend going for a massage in the interim. It helped me feel better. *hugs* Keep going with your recovery and watching your patterns. Everything will happen when it is suppose to. |
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Post by paisley on Mar 7, 2018 5:30:46 GMT -8
Glad I revisited this thread today and came across this gem from LJ:
I feel I'm doing this again with the current POA. I'm allowing him to give me "hope" that he'll come back. It's all I'm focusing on. And thus, I'm making myself unavailable. Well, the POA's girlfriend is back in town so I am hoping he'll be occupied and this will force me to move on. I scheduled some activities for myself. Bowling tonight. Biking 20 miles with a friend after work tomorrow. A meet up at a nearby winery on Saturday and a mountain biking meet up on Sunday. The meet ups are with groups of complete strangers. Time for a reset.
This can be applied to the POA, because if I have to convince him to be with me, I'll likely have to spend my eternity convincing him to do everything else. TIME TO LET GO. TIME TO MOVE ON.
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Post by paisley on Mar 7, 2018 13:59:39 GMT -8
Also having a really hard time with all the “rules” of being ready for a relationship. I feel I have done all the right things for the most part, and yet I cannot exist in a healthy relationship. I see everyone around me just falling into place without concern about loving themselves appropriately, making sure they are “available” by purging non-love interests, taking the time to heal after a breakup, etc. I know the pat answer is “don’t compare yourself to others” but I simply don’t know what else I can do to heal myself from this ridiculous affliction that prevents me from enjoying a romantic partner. I speak to a therapist and she sees me as so self actualized and together there’s no need for counseling. I give advice to others and they see me as wise. I put my knowledge into practice regarding romance and I fall on my face again and again. I’m literally acting the same way I did at age 16 with POA#1. Same thing. Same paranoia, same inability to trust and let go. Once I’m rejected, I’m the same wounded child only now I’m making a fool of myself in a 50 year-old body.
People with way more trauma in their pasts are doing better in this regard. People way less educated or those who are not doing as well financially are doing better when it comes to romance. People who are less attractive physically do better.
The other night when I was depressed at a performance, sitting there visibly upset fighting back tears unsuccessfully, I look over at this sloppy guy with his wife and kids seemingly pitying me. It’s bizarre how I can be so together in all ways except love. Amazing how this can take me down into a spiral of self destruction and dispair.
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. During the week i need to focus more on work, self care, keeping things in order, etc. I can accept serious invites made a week or so in advance or by someone actually calling/texting to invite me. that puts more quality in my interactions.