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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2018 14:40:52 GMT -8
... yet I cannot exist in a healthy relationship. ... The other night when I was depressed at a performance, sitting there visibly upset fighting back tears unsuccessfully... Paisley, has there ever been a relationship in your experience that did not go awry like this. Are there any examples of relationships that "went right"? Also, if you can think back to early experiences of this conflicted set of feelings that you are wrestling with, you may gain some insight. You may have posted somewhere before, what was your earliest memory of feeling the way that you do now? Was there a time in your life that you did not feel this way? What was different about the two times of your life? Also, d**n girl... I have been there. Last Christmas, I went to a church play about a single mother coming home to family after a decade of self-imposed exile. The story of the prodigal woman returning was so driving to me, I sat there weeping and tearing up the folded program. It was difficult to keep myself under control. Thankfully the venue was dark. It hurt so much to see the story of reconciliation play out knowing that my own reconciliation has been denied. My heart is so very sick. I am cut off from the tree of life.
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Post by paisley on Mar 7, 2018 15:02:14 GMT -8
No, none of my romantic relationships have been particularly healthy.
Earliest memory of this feeling is 11 years old after being brutally beaten by my dad and my mom not comforting me, but rather telling me to go to bed. I thought she walked in to see if I was ok, but she instead coldly told me to go to bed and walked out without so much as a hug. I was hysterical and in shock. I never put any trust in my parents from that day forward which is devastating considering I came of age with no parental guidance or support and literally turned to the streets for my support. 2nd memory is when my first boyfriend rejected me at 16 and I freaked out and obsessed over him for decades, making every decision in my life for years in hopes to convince him to come back.
I was married for 15 years and I held hubby to an unrealistic standard of the fantasy of poa#1. Any little deception or betrayal had me going nuts on him and shutting myself off.
I simply cannot trust a man as a lover. Can’t.
I know this is a direct result of the childhood trauma, but I can’t seem to stop it from happening. If I’m with a guy and he has a friendship with another woman, I lose it.
There was a time with my ex husband I feel I trusted him, but I also scaled back my feelings for him. Told myself I didn’t care. He had a best friend who was a woman and I thought nothing of it. Didn’t feel threatened at all. But then he had an affair and was flaunting it in front of our community. No attempt to be discreet. I found out and cut ties with every one of my in laws, his kids, our employees, sold my interests in the business, lost my home, everything.
So I’m so shell shocked and afraid of being made into a fool, I destroy relationships almost as soon as they start.
I threw away my latest POA due to my paranoia over his friendship with an ex. Threw away the boyfriend before him for the exact same reason. Threw away a young lover for the same reason. I want to stop doing this.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2018 17:45:58 GMT -8
... beaten by my dad and my mom not comforting me, but rather telling me to go to bed. ... That is what can be described, clinically, as Primary Attachment Loss. It is a fundamental break in primary caregiver trust and that makes everything much harder. Due to the fact that adult romantic relationships and attachment styles are all started with images and concept of mother and father, adult intimate relationships are directly affected. It sounds as if you are very much aware of this. This is just definitively borderline behavior. You want, very badly, the connection and relationship. When you have it you fear the loss so much that you may preemptively destroy or abandon the relationship. I have to say that you have an ability to look at yourself. This is a strength. Awareness of yourself is the beginning of self control.
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