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Post by iselita on Oct 26, 2015 23:47:18 GMT -8
Hi... I'm an old memberof this site that one day saved my life after hitting rock bottom with my la. Its been about 8 years since I've been on and off in recovery. For the longest time I never knew what love addiction was. All I knew was that I had a huge problem that was going to kill me and my two kids.
My ex is an addict both to drugs and sex and I was very much addicted to him. Since my experience with my ex. I was able to learn about codependency and addiction. I learned how to cope with withdrawal and live.
Id love to say that all my years in counseling cured me. But even though I left my ex and was OK. I kept making bad decisions,like living at the bar and not being a mother.
But one day 5 years ago I met my guy I'm with now. He is very oposite to my ex, my guy doesn't drink or do drugs or cheat. So I'd say I made an improvement. Well in some way I did.
My issue with my relationship at the moment is that my guy is very emotionally abusive to me. I mean I'm just not good enough. And never will be! Everything my kids and I do is naive. Yet in my opinion I feel like I do it all. I work, take care of my kids and his at that. I also feel that Im a pretty girl... who is loved by everyone else but at home.
For the past 5 years I've gone to my counselor and have put in tons of efforts. But it seems that im still needing to learn how to make myself happy. But I don't know how, all I've been doing is womaning and being a victim. It sucks that I still have so much to learn.. and as for my guy I don't know what I'll do with him.. my day dreams of being single are growing more and more by the day...
Thank you for reading my post.. I'm back to reading and writing ..so any input would be awesome.. I thought I'd keep it sweet and short for now.. lol
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 27, 2015 6:40:41 GMT -8
Iselita!!! Welcome back. Here's your question: Do you think you deserve to be emotionally abused?
No amount of positive qualities coming from this man or your relationship with him can outweigh dignity, respect, kindness and self-worth. But your situation will not change until you recognize that.
[Check out Leonor Walker and this link for more about how love addicts get trapped.]
loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/thread/16902/why-love-addicts-end-abusive |
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Post by iselita on Oct 27, 2015 11:29:58 GMT -8
Thank you all for responding, it always makes me feel a huge sense of relief when I know I'm not alone. I think I'm at the point to where I can't believe I am putting myself and kids through all of this. I have also gone through different stages with him, like I don't feel as big of a door mat as I once did. I remember myself begging him , manipulating him and making him stay with me, also getting pregnant was another thing I did. So I know i have to accept my responsibility with all of this.
But it doesn't mean i deserve to be treated like poop. I truly believe we have gotten somewhere as a couple in all of this. Like every man, he has his sweet moments where he is awesome and loving and actually communicates. Usually when i yell back at him after he's been rude he stays quiet. My counselor says that, that means he can have control of his actions and chooses to stop fighting.
I don't know what i want per say, but i do know what i don't want. The constant disapproval of who i am hurts a ton. My counselor thinks i should learn how to deal and make myself happy. She doesn't tell me to stay but also knows that part of me wanting to leave him is so that i can go back to the energy seeking life of addiction i had. I sometimes get so caught up in hating him and all that, that i enter the victim stage.
Any ideas??? does this sound familiar???
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 27, 2015 11:49:35 GMT -8
We probably cannot tell you anything you don't already know.
You know you need to leave if you have self worth and you care about yourself and your children.
You know that you need to build your self-esteem instead of stuffing it away and ignoring it.
You know you need to find healthier people to surround yourself with.
You know you need to be financially secure all your own so that you are not dependent on anyone else.
You know all this. It's just a matter of taking the necessary steps to make them your reality.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 27, 2015 12:04:23 GMT -8
. I used to have this fantasy. I thought the world was a horrible place and I did not want to leave my children to suffer while I went off to heaven. I was suicidal and wanted to keep the family together. This is what the second step means when it says, "Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore us to sanity." Addiction is not logical. It is a form of mental illness. We have distorted thoughts, feelings, and values. I am glad I did not act on my fantasies because I see from reading the newspapers that some women do. Especially after giving birth. You are in our prayers.  |
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Post by iselita on Oct 27, 2015 13:07:20 GMT -8
I do know all this!!! That's the thing, I know better. I can say that for the first year I was stuck in my ways/addiction. You can say... But as time has gone on, I've still gone to my counselor and i try. Only because the pain and the spinning can be so unbearable, and the fantasies are oh so strong and real. I also find myself having this increased anxiety and with that comes a lot of drama. When i get sick i call everyone and obsess so hard, that it hurts. As a mother i have zero patience some days with my kids. I seriously hate the person i become. Somethings gotta give, i have to do something different then what i have. Everyone tells me "just be a b**** to him", yet i want to be whole not be some bitter women who does what he does. I really need to do things for me, and it can't involve drugs or alcohol or men. I have to keep my creativity going and do healthy things. So then why am i so scared??? I guess i do in reality know what i need to do. I've seeked for the help, now i just need you guys  . To give me insight, strength, motivation, understanding. |
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Post by iselita on Oct 27, 2015 13:10:55 GMT -8
P. S ... As far as financially goes.. I have a great job and lots of support. I'm not worried about struggling to much. I actually have saved enough money to be able to find a place..For me saving is an accomplishment since I'm addicted to the happy feeling of shopping. lol.. Im a prisoner of my own mind , if that's how you say it..
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Post by paisley on Oct 27, 2015 16:45:07 GMT -8
Hugs to you. I understand the insanity. I was with an abusive man for four long years even though I was the breadwinner and relied on him for nothing. I just felt paralyzed. Like I was trapped in a nightmare. I was so co-dependent that I put his feelings and needs above my own even though he was so nasty and abusive (and naive too). I was definitely re-playing something about my childhood (abusive dad) through this relationship...although the guy was 100% worse than my dad ever was so I couldn't see it at the time. Perhaps it was just the dynamic of someone not caring for me who I thought should care for me that kept me stuck. Since I was raised that way, that was my normal...that's what I deserved and I was resigned to it. I too found "progress" little by little...like the next boyfriend wasn't physically abusive but he was an insensitive jerk quite often. The next was more tuned in, but could be verbally abusive when he was angry. Now my tolerance level for meanness is at zero. If there's no man on earth who can't treat me well (even if he's having a hard time), then I'll be alone. It's so much better that way. I hope you find the strength to get out and spend some time alone. I will tell you that my life has never been better, and I haven't been in a serious relationship in well over two years, so the other side of this is pretty dang sweet. Are you concerned about what will happen to him/you if you leave? I think subconsciously, that was what kept me stuck. I thought I was "bad" if I did anything to upset him or challenge the status quo. Arguing or talking back when he's rude is one thing...that's speaking his language and participating in the dysfunction. Packing up and leaving sends a clear message that his behavior is unacceptable. In my case, the abusive guy would flip out if I mentioned leaving and actually threatened to kill me. How could I dare put him through that? I know, I was absolutely insane. Turns out he survived my departure, and luckily (thanks to some friends) I did too. |
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Post by terryt on Oct 27, 2015 19:19:51 GMT -8
I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship and can totally relate to the insanity of it all.
He constantly criticized me and every thing about me. In subtle ways....in emotionally charged ways. It can be so confusing and oh so difficult to overcome.
I don't know how I could have ever let him say such awful things to me.....to let him disrespect me the way he did. I still beat myself up over it sometimes. But mostly...I'm just hurt and confused about it all.
And I have to say, that if he called me today....today has been an especially lonely day for me.....I would be with him again so fast it would make your head spin.
But....instead......I'm sitting at home alone, writing this message. THANK GOD!
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Post by havefaith on Oct 28, 2015 2:52:50 GMT -8
thanks for your honesty, terryt, when you say, "if he called me today ... I would be with him again so fast it would make your head spin."
This really speaks to the lure of addiction. We KNOW what is harmful to us theoretically, but how quickly the recovering person can fall back into addictive ways if not vigilant.
Addiction -- "cunning, baffling and powerful" -- not to mention insane...
SO happy to hear you are 'sitting home alone, writing this message' instead!
Blessings,
HaveFaith
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Post by iselita on Oct 30, 2015 22:28:50 GMT -8
For two days I haven't been able to reply. I'm really and honestly so sick of the abuse. Its constant negativity and I mean constant. And well it's so embarrassing to admit how he puts down my kids, and his own at that.
I keep asking myself how I feel about this man.. I mean I don't expect him to like what I like. But even on his "good" days he makes fun and is negative. So Yea I'm struggling being OK.
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 1, 2015 3:46:11 GMT -8
His abuse will not change until you remove yourself from the relationship. You cannot date or be with JUST HIS GOOD PARTS.
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Post by havefaith on Nov 1, 2015 4:41:19 GMT -8
LJ is 100% spot-on. A person cannot be just with another's "good parts" -- we experience the WHOLE person.
I left my first husband. He was good looking and intelligent. Good parts.
He had a great sense of humor and could be quite charming. Good parts.
He could also be emotionally abusive. He tried to keep me away from my family ("I am your family now") and if I said something he didn't like (and there was no way of predicting what would set him off), he would not look at me or speak to me for days. Bad parts. Really, really bad parts. (We are all flawed, but being abusive is beyond human frailties. Abuse against another human being is dark and sick and borders on the malevolent.)
After two years of this off again, on again abuse, I walked away and filed for divorce. Best thing I ever did.
HaveFaith
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Post by bluefly on Jan 16, 2016 16:20:30 GMT -8
Iselita,
Have faith and realize your inner strength. You deserve so much more than this. I highly recommend you start to focus and take care of you! Release all shame and guilt. When an abuser refuses to feel shame and guilt for his\her actions it transfers over to the victim. Release yourself from this as it is not your weight to carry.
My suggestion is to find time every day for 15 min spiritual time followed by I deserve affirmations. It is a strugge but you are worthy of respect and kindness.
Lots of hugs and support sent your way!
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. To give me insight, strength, motivation, understanding. 
