Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 9, 2015 13:15:58 GMT -8
Susan: Congratulations on your recovery.You just said something as a joke,but is big truth. You said happiness makes you nervous, This is exactly what I feel when I am supposed to be happy, and I have reasons but it turns into anxiety. Have you written anything on this? Regards, Stela
This story is about me. It is not intended to be about your situation. You may not necessarily identify. Maybe; maybe not.
As an incest survivor I became familiar with anxiety as a young child. Then I became used to it. Then I became comfortable with it. At some point during this process I became addicted to the anxiety and it took root in the synopsis of my brain. To cope with my anxiety I tried to soothe myself with fantasies about growing up, leaving home, and living happily ever after. I also used self-pity to cope, which took the place of what little self-esteem my had.
At some point, I started making decisions to put myself into situations where I could get an anxiety fix. I discovered this in my fourth-step inventory while looking for "my part" of things. An example is choosing to be a prostitute which put me on the streets where I got kidnapped and raped etc. But I was codependent and doing what my PoA told me to do at the time. So we were both to blame for what happened. Please no posts about how I was a victim. I could have gone home to my mother which eventually I did. Only cancer patients are pure victims in my opinion. Yes I understand this is controversial. It is just my opinion. I digress.
So I started recovery and my depression lifted, but the physical and the mental addiction to anxiety stayed on. It exists today and I take medication. Once the brain is hooked on releasing anxiety chemicals and electrical charges there is no going back to cognitive behavioral therapy [positive thinking] which I also do for my situational anxiety. I need my meds for anxiety, and when people suggest I am wrong I get triggered.
To get to my point, happiness was unfamiliar to me in early recovery, and unfamiliar situations trigger both physical and metal anxiety. I have made a lot of progress with spiritual anxiety. I do not get anxious when I am praying so I do it a lot. And there is no hell. IMO
We had a thread about this. Does anyone know where it is?