Post by kris on Nov 21, 2015 12:54:52 GMT -8
I am older an woman--I will be 64 on Monday.
I never believed I was a Love Addict because I have gone for as long as 10 years without giving much thought to having a relationship at all. Until I met the man that I am currently addicted to, 5 years ago, I viewed my life as a spiritual journey. I have sought spirituality within myself for most of my adult life, through reading, participation in spiritually-focussed groups, yoga, meditation, prayer, prayer-walking, nature, gardening, and writing.
The impetus for my spiritual journey was my experience of falling in love with a man at age 20, and awakening to the spiritual within myself. I was married to that man for 30 years. He appeared, at first, to be a wonderful man, but very quickly showed himself to be a deceitful womanizer who played sadistic games with my heart and mind. I see now that I was addicted to him as, no matter what horrible thing he did to me, I could not give up all hope, until finally, at age 49, I did and I left him. Our 2 children were grown.
Though I had obsessed over him for 30 years, once I left, I never looked back. At that point, I think I dealt healthily with the grief. I allowed myself to feel it whenever it came, but I made myself be like water, through which feelings could move without getting stuck. I never equated my feelings of love with a need to be with him, obsession or desperation. By the end of 3 years, the grief came no more. I think I was able to do this because I was fully resolved to be done with him.
I have a disability, and I worked only part-time, so I did not meet many men. For the next 8 years, I looked at dating sites 2 or 3 times a year for a few weeks at a time. I would meet some of the men for coffee, feel no chemistry, and set that aside. In between those times, I was not lonely. I had my reading and writing, walking, yoga, meditation and a few women friends. Then, for the next 2 years, I dated some of the men, but at most 4 times, as none really interested me.
Then I met D online. At first, he was non-threatening, sweet and funny, and ambivalent about meeting. He portrayed himself as a shy man who had trouble talking to women. He lived 70 miles away. We met after 4 months. After we met, he became a passionate suitor who talked to me online (retired at 57) for up to 10 hours a day. He is a musician and he sent songs, poetry, lyrics, wonderful words about how I enchanted him and how lucky we were. However, almost right away, he started playing games with my heart and mind. He talked about being attracted to other women almost every day. He angered easily and went away, sometimes for days. I never pursued. He always came back and picked up the romancing again. We had an LDR for about a year, and then I caught him cheating. He wooed me back, and moved in with me.
Over time, I discovered that D was a sex and porn addict, and he lied constantly. He was, in fact, an Internet Catfish that romanced dozens of women at a time. He intentionally rubbed his cheating in my face and made me feel like nothing. However, he also made passionate love to me, and was always affectionate and I just could not believe that he didn't really love me. I was of two minds. I wanted to think there was a cure for his problems.
After the first year together, we moved to his beautiful farm, and I felt like my heart had found its spiritual home. I could garden all day long, then watch the stars with D at night. He was always phsycially connected to me, with at least one hand on me--except, for those breaks, every 10 minutes, when he disappeared to sext on his phone or computer. The cheating was all day long, every day, and we fought about it constantly. One night, he attacked and beat me with 3 wooden chairs. Throughout the whole relationship, he lied to his grown kids and all his friends and told them horrible lies about me. Finally, I'd had it. I left him after a year at his farm, and returned to my apt.
He would not leave me alone. He called and e-mailed up to 100 times a day. Then he threatened that, if I did not return, he was going to conduct the ugliest smear-campaign ever. I said, "Fine, I will be in H County Monday morning, filing charges against you for the assault." (I had taken photos). He said, "Thank you." I filed the charges. He was put under a court order of NC. The case was resolved in some way (I forget the name) where all he had to do was not contact me for one year. I broke before the year was up and contacted him. That reconciliation lasted 19 days and consisted of the worst cruelty yet, on his part.
Still, I could not get over him. I was in weekly therapy and had been for several years, by this time. I cried almost every day. I was writing a memoir about the relationship thinking I needed to face the horrible truths. This had worked for me when I had left my husband. But not this time. I continued to suffer with unbearable longing.
Aftet the year of NC was up, I contacted him to make arrangments to get my antique furniture back, as previously agreed upon. He told me he had cured himself of his sex and porn addiction. We ended up back together. That was eight months ago. I left him again one week ago.
This past 8 months were the worst of my life. D acted like the dtoxic incarnate, punishing me with silent treatments 2 or 3 times a week that lasted up to a full day. Often, in the evenings, if I tried to sit outside with him, he would turn the back of his chair to my face. Whereas he had used to look at me with desire, he never looked at me unless it was to glance and then insult my appearance. There was no affection and no sex. He promised to stay off his computers, but I found more computers filled with porn hidden in the house and outbuildings. He told me hideous things about his sex life, and previous cheating on me, then denied the stories, then reinstated, them, back and forth, back and forth, and many more excruciating head games and daggers in my heart. He refused to dance with me as we had always done before. I discovered stores of extremely sick pornography in one of his computers. I had not gotten my footing from this when, days later, he pulled another silent treatment after I had spent the day painting his bathroom. When I woke up in the morning, he and his car were gone. I packed my car and left.
I want to add, to be fair, that I was not an innocent through this abuse. I screamed at him and called him horrible names (all of which suited him well). I reached the point, near the end, where I usually spoke to him in an angry tone. I brought up his various behaviors of the past and threw them in his face. I was angry, hurt, disgusted and depressed all the time. And I was lonely.
And still, there were good times, even in the midst of Hell. I can still see the way the sun slanted across the room on a certain day, the way the landscape looked in the fall, his hair ruffling in a breeze. I am writing this paragraph, in a poetic way, to show that I still have feelings for him. Even after all that. It has taken all my strength not to call him or e-mail. I will restart therapy on Monday.
My childhood, btw, was unhappy. My mother was extremely abusive and she particularly hated me because I was a second girl. She taunted me, verbally abused me, and played sadistic head games. She often engaged my sister to join her in making fun of me throughout the day, or else they left me at home and went to the movies together because they had gotten me to cry and therfore I was "bad."
I want so much to move past this horrible man. I am sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading.
I never believed I was a Love Addict because I have gone for as long as 10 years without giving much thought to having a relationship at all. Until I met the man that I am currently addicted to, 5 years ago, I viewed my life as a spiritual journey. I have sought spirituality within myself for most of my adult life, through reading, participation in spiritually-focussed groups, yoga, meditation, prayer, prayer-walking, nature, gardening, and writing.
The impetus for my spiritual journey was my experience of falling in love with a man at age 20, and awakening to the spiritual within myself. I was married to that man for 30 years. He appeared, at first, to be a wonderful man, but very quickly showed himself to be a deceitful womanizer who played sadistic games with my heart and mind. I see now that I was addicted to him as, no matter what horrible thing he did to me, I could not give up all hope, until finally, at age 49, I did and I left him. Our 2 children were grown.
Though I had obsessed over him for 30 years, once I left, I never looked back. At that point, I think I dealt healthily with the grief. I allowed myself to feel it whenever it came, but I made myself be like water, through which feelings could move without getting stuck. I never equated my feelings of love with a need to be with him, obsession or desperation. By the end of 3 years, the grief came no more. I think I was able to do this because I was fully resolved to be done with him.
I have a disability, and I worked only part-time, so I did not meet many men. For the next 8 years, I looked at dating sites 2 or 3 times a year for a few weeks at a time. I would meet some of the men for coffee, feel no chemistry, and set that aside. In between those times, I was not lonely. I had my reading and writing, walking, yoga, meditation and a few women friends. Then, for the next 2 years, I dated some of the men, but at most 4 times, as none really interested me.
Then I met D online. At first, he was non-threatening, sweet and funny, and ambivalent about meeting. He portrayed himself as a shy man who had trouble talking to women. He lived 70 miles away. We met after 4 months. After we met, he became a passionate suitor who talked to me online (retired at 57) for up to 10 hours a day. He is a musician and he sent songs, poetry, lyrics, wonderful words about how I enchanted him and how lucky we were. However, almost right away, he started playing games with my heart and mind. He talked about being attracted to other women almost every day. He angered easily and went away, sometimes for days. I never pursued. He always came back and picked up the romancing again. We had an LDR for about a year, and then I caught him cheating. He wooed me back, and moved in with me.
Over time, I discovered that D was a sex and porn addict, and he lied constantly. He was, in fact, an Internet Catfish that romanced dozens of women at a time. He intentionally rubbed his cheating in my face and made me feel like nothing. However, he also made passionate love to me, and was always affectionate and I just could not believe that he didn't really love me. I was of two minds. I wanted to think there was a cure for his problems.
After the first year together, we moved to his beautiful farm, and I felt like my heart had found its spiritual home. I could garden all day long, then watch the stars with D at night. He was always phsycially connected to me, with at least one hand on me--except, for those breaks, every 10 minutes, when he disappeared to sext on his phone or computer. The cheating was all day long, every day, and we fought about it constantly. One night, he attacked and beat me with 3 wooden chairs. Throughout the whole relationship, he lied to his grown kids and all his friends and told them horrible lies about me. Finally, I'd had it. I left him after a year at his farm, and returned to my apt.
He would not leave me alone. He called and e-mailed up to 100 times a day. Then he threatened that, if I did not return, he was going to conduct the ugliest smear-campaign ever. I said, "Fine, I will be in H County Monday morning, filing charges against you for the assault." (I had taken photos). He said, "Thank you." I filed the charges. He was put under a court order of NC. The case was resolved in some way (I forget the name) where all he had to do was not contact me for one year. I broke before the year was up and contacted him. That reconciliation lasted 19 days and consisted of the worst cruelty yet, on his part.
Still, I could not get over him. I was in weekly therapy and had been for several years, by this time. I cried almost every day. I was writing a memoir about the relationship thinking I needed to face the horrible truths. This had worked for me when I had left my husband. But not this time. I continued to suffer with unbearable longing.
Aftet the year of NC was up, I contacted him to make arrangments to get my antique furniture back, as previously agreed upon. He told me he had cured himself of his sex and porn addiction. We ended up back together. That was eight months ago. I left him again one week ago.
This past 8 months were the worst of my life. D acted like the dtoxic incarnate, punishing me with silent treatments 2 or 3 times a week that lasted up to a full day. Often, in the evenings, if I tried to sit outside with him, he would turn the back of his chair to my face. Whereas he had used to look at me with desire, he never looked at me unless it was to glance and then insult my appearance. There was no affection and no sex. He promised to stay off his computers, but I found more computers filled with porn hidden in the house and outbuildings. He told me hideous things about his sex life, and previous cheating on me, then denied the stories, then reinstated, them, back and forth, back and forth, and many more excruciating head games and daggers in my heart. He refused to dance with me as we had always done before. I discovered stores of extremely sick pornography in one of his computers. I had not gotten my footing from this when, days later, he pulled another silent treatment after I had spent the day painting his bathroom. When I woke up in the morning, he and his car were gone. I packed my car and left.
I want to add, to be fair, that I was not an innocent through this abuse. I screamed at him and called him horrible names (all of which suited him well). I reached the point, near the end, where I usually spoke to him in an angry tone. I brought up his various behaviors of the past and threw them in his face. I was angry, hurt, disgusted and depressed all the time. And I was lonely.
And still, there were good times, even in the midst of Hell. I can still see the way the sun slanted across the room on a certain day, the way the landscape looked in the fall, his hair ruffling in a breeze. I am writing this paragraph, in a poetic way, to show that I still have feelings for him. Even after all that. It has taken all my strength not to call him or e-mail. I will restart therapy on Monday.
My childhood, btw, was unhappy. My mother was extremely abusive and she particularly hated me because I was a second girl. She taunted me, verbally abused me, and played sadistic head games. She often engaged my sister to join her in making fun of me throughout the day, or else they left me at home and went to the movies together because they had gotten me to cry and therfore I was "bad."
I want so much to move past this horrible man. I am sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading.
