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Post by leahb on Nov 22, 2015 23:23:26 GMT -8
So-This is more a question for those out there who have been doing the recovery thing for awhile now. I'm still relatively new to recovery. I've been in recovery for codependency for just under a year and LA for about 6 months now and I have some questions.
Lately, I've been feeling pretty-well-ambivalent. I keep hearing from other people to "get out there" in the dating world, but I just don't want to. This is for a few reasons: 1. I want to work on my relationship with me first. This means, learning to love me and take care of me in the way I desire to. 2. Honestly-I'm afraid. I am afraid of slipping back into codependent patterns and am afraid of getting hurt. I want to trust people with my heart, but I struggle to do this. 3. I don't trust myself enough yet to be able to pick out the right kind of man for me. Meaning-I'd rather be alone until I learn to trust myself more.
So, the questions I have for seasoned people are: 1. Will I ever get to a point in my relationship with myself that I trust myself and take excellent care? 2. Will it hurt as bad if I start dating and it doesn't work out again? I don't know if I could take that kind of loss again.
Any help is appreciated.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 23, 2015 14:27:44 GMT -8
I keep hearing from other people to "get out there" in the dating world, but I just don't want to. .
Nobody agrees on when love addicts should date. Most people say take a break until recovery has kicked in and you have enough self-esteem to pick the right person. AA used to say take a year. This does not apply to married couples.
Howard Halpern recommended dating before he was aware of the high relapse rate
I say decide for yourself. Torchbearers need to move on because no contact does not work for them. But please do not just wing it. Research healthy relationships thoroughly before you date I recommend A Fine Romance by Judith Sills.
On this board we have a complete forum for successful relationships. Study this.
Romantic love is not enough. Put compatibility ahead of sex and romance and attraction.
Hendrix says we are looking for our Imago. So with my clients we tear up the old Imago and create a new, healthy one. Remember, the first thing on your wish list, even before compatibility, is availability. Pick someone who is available from the beginning what you want out of a relationship.
For love addicts . . .
 For love avoidants
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Post by leahb on Nov 23, 2015 14:36:48 GMT -8
Thanks Susan for this information.
Ever since going to the improve comedy thing this past weekend, I've felt sorta down. There are times I'm fine with being on my own and there are times the loneliness throbs like a wound that won't close. My mood's been down the last few days and I'm not sure why. I feel heavy and tired. Being a recovering addict is so hard. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I still of suicide and death sometimes. It's not as bad, but this feeling of emptiness sometimes feels like it's never going to go away. Will I have to choose to live with a hole in my soul? I don't know sometimes.
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Post by paisley on Nov 24, 2015 4:26:22 GMT -8
If it doesn't work out again (and odds say it won't work out with MOST people you date) then you're back where you are now, which isn't so bad, is it?
The only way for me to learn to deal with rejection and loss was to experience it. I've made some of my biggest strides in recovery as a result of a breakup/rejection. Feeling it, all the way through is an opportunity to address the pain and release it. Each breakup (post recovery) has been easier and my emotions have been more and more appropriate to the situation. For example, I'm no longer getting quickly invested in men that I don't know well. I see rejection as nature pushing me in another direction, not as a determinant of my worth.
That being said, I do zero online dating. For me, I can't just decide I'm going to date, I have to come across another willing party who is capable of putting himself out there face to face. It's a rare thing that I go out on a date. Deciding to date seems meaningless, but I am "ready" if I come across a suitable prospect.
If you're questioning whether you can take the loss again, you may want to step back. I think accepting the loss is essential to healthy dating.
I say don't date intentionally. Live your life intentionally. And if you come across someone who has the qualities you're looking for, and he's respectful of your flaws and sensitive to your past pain, you shouldn't run in the other direction...but don't focus your time and attention on making that happen. It really should be seen as a bonus you may never get and don't necessarily deserve, but you'll graciously accept and appreciate if it presents itself.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 24, 2015 8:16:26 GMT -8
I had an anxiety attack in early recovery and I told my sponsor that if this is what recovery felt like I didn't want anything to do with it. He promised me that as time went by I would experience negative feelings less intensely and less often. This proved to be true. Once you bond, separation hurts. But my last slip only lasted 6 weeks and the pain of withdrawal only lasted a week. Love is part of life. Find love that does not hurt. |
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