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Post by lilila on Dec 1, 2015 14:03:58 GMT -8
Hello everyone
I am a bit ashamed to be posting here again, I truly believed I had gone through all the work I needed to recover from my love addiction. But some weeks ago I finally realized that my current boyfriend - the one I was so proud of because it is a REAL relationship (as opposed to a fantasy one) - is an alcoholic.
We have been together for over a year now, and of course I had noticed that he drinks a lot, and found that odd, but he seemed so in control about it that I just decided to overlook it. But then, he gradually began to display very aggressive attitudes towards me whenever he had had too much to drink.
He would embark on incoherent rants, blaming me for the most illogical things. In the beginning, I would engage, feeling responsable for his complaints, and sometimes end up crying so he would stop and apologize. Then, I tried to ignore him.
But as time went on, he has become more and more abusive. My first instinct has always been to leave. I would tell him I didn´t want any conflict with him so I was going home. But I never did, because he told me I didn´t need to come back if I did leave at that moment. I suppose he knows I am afraid of breakups, because it wakes up my fear of abandonment.
But suddenly, when I did understand his behavior isn´t normal and has everything to do with his addiction, it´s as if I don´t engage emotionally anymore. At least not as much. Last weekenend, when I was at his place, he started ranting again, it didn´t make any sense at all but it was still very hurtful. I just wanted to leave as soon as possible, and he began shouting that he didn´t care if I stayed or not. I knew it was the alcohol but I felt so bad. Instead of getting into a discussion, I just told him Bye and left.
Now that I think about it, I see that this was probably the most healthy reaction, but I´m having a very bad time because
a) I haven´t heard anything from him since and don´t know if I will
b) if he does contact me, I don´t know what I will do and I do miss him
c) I´m still afraid of a breakup, in my fantasy he would apologize and go on a detox-program but that might be very unrealistic, given that he has no intention of giving up alcohol.
I feel like I´m back at the beginning. Any insights will be greatly appreciated, thanks for reading everyone.
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Post by havefaith on Dec 1, 2015 15:45:46 GMT -8
No need to feel ashamed, truly.
My insight? Join Al-Anon and stay away from this person. There is NO excuse (nor should there be any tolerance) for abuse.
Blessings and prayers,
HaveFaith
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Post by paisley on Dec 1, 2015 19:37:31 GMT -8
I agree with havefaith. No need to be ashamed because he drinks too much and is abusive.
I'm not sure how long you've been putting up with this behavior, and it may be hard to tell if it's been gradual, but now is the time to put your recovery to the test. I'd recommend either blocking his communication or coming up with a solid plan for when he calls. I've been involved with more than my fair share of alcoholics and in my experience, they will ALWAYS reach out eventually. That was the main problem with some of these guys I've been nvolved with..they had a horrid sense of boundaries and had ex girlfriends making drunken late night phone calls to them and vice versa. Then when I was the ex, I'd get the drunken calls or messages from them.
Regardless, I say prepare yourself for the inevitable phone call by either blocking him or coming up with a firm, unemotional script telling him to back off.
This is a crossroads where you decide what you want: to stay sick and maintain a relationship with another sick person, or to take care of yourself, live up to a higher standard and make it clear that there s no place in your life for any of this. Don't be suckered into second chances (sounds like he's already blown that) and don't make the mistake of taking ownership of HIS recovery plan by trying to guide him. I'm sure he's heard of AA and other treatment options. He'll get help if and when he decides he wants to. In the mean time, he's not capable of existing in a healthy relationship and f a healthy relationship is what you want, he's simply not the guy.
Take care...
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Post by lilila on Dec 1, 2015 20:49:35 GMT -8
Thank you for your fast replies, I´m really in need of friendly words and support!
I´ve been thinking back at how things have evolved and the thing that makes me sad is that all this time I´ve had this idea in the back of my mind that perhaps he wouldn´t be with me if he didn´t drink because then he would realize he could do much better than me. So yes, I have a serious problem with my self esteem.
On the other hand, I think things have become like this gradually, though there were some warning signs in the beginning. I remember when we had been together for two weeks, we went to some family event of his, with his parents and siblings. At one moment he asked me to take a photo of him with his dad and brothers, and afterwards he told me over and over again that I had taken it all wrong and it was such a disappointment. When I told him he was making me feel like an idiot he stopped and changed the subject, becoming all nice again.
But then, he would be really angry whenever I was a few minutes late when we would meet, even when I let him know beforehand I would be late and even after I apologized. So then I learned to be completely stressed out whenever we had a date because I didn´t dare be late (which isn´t something I can always control since I am always very busy).
Some months into the relationship, he would fall into these horrible rants where he would complain about things that don´t really matter. For instance, if he asked me to bring a DVD over to his place so we could watch it together, he would criticize it all the time and make me take it out. Especially if it was something I was enjoying.
It´s hard for me not to become confused about if there has really been abuse, so it helps to write things down. I mean he has never been physically abusive, and in the beginning I used to think he was putting on an act when he started complaining, it was all so absurd. Like he was pretending to be a grumpy old bachelor or something like that, I was so naive.
But I think I can´t ignore his abuse anymore. The last few months he has taken to shouting "shut up" out of the blue when we´re together, mostly when we are in separate rooms and I´m not even talking. When I calmly asked him why he was doing that, he told me it was a precautionary measure, to "train" me not to nag him. He makes all these things sound like he´s joking, but it is still hurtful.
And yes, I´m sure he knows about treatments for alcoholism, especially as his own father is a recovering alcoholic and the whole family still abstains from drinking in his presence. It makes me angry that he feels entitled to drink in my presence even though he told me once, after I told him I felt bad about how he had behaved, that he wouldn´t do it anymore.
This is really hard for me because I have no experience at all with alcoholics and my own parents almost never drank. I don´t know much about it so I have trouble recognizing the dynamics, but I´m very stresed out by this whole relationship. The ironic thing is that I wasn´t looking for a relationship when he showed up, and that I was even a bit reluctant to embark on it.
I am also wondering if he has been "training" me to be afraid of him leaving me, or working on my fear of abandonment, because he has told me many times how some ex-girlfriends became hysterical after they left him, and pursued him when he was already with someone else. Whenever he tells me these stories it´s like he´s really letting me know I will have a hard time if I attempt to put an end to the relationship. Or maybe that´s just me being paranoid. But at the moment I´m very insecure and nervous about having left the other day.
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Post by havefaith on Dec 2, 2015 3:34:04 GMT -8
Nothing you have written tells me this is a healthy, edifying relationship.
If someone in my life brings me down, I know it is time to walk away. I know how 'simple' that sounds and yet how hard it is to do. I get that, I really do.
But sticking to healthy boundaries and detaching from toxic people is key to acknowledging and honoring our self-worth.
I don't 'hate' the toxic people that I have detached from. I pray for them, wish them well, and I truly hope they work on themselves so they can have better lives. But then I walk away before I get more ensconced in a codependent, unhealthy relationship with them. Because, under those circumstances, nobody wins.
At the end of the day, I cannot 'fix' someone. That is an inside job -- can't do it for them. But I can take care of myself. And I will, and I do. I wish (and hope) the same for you, lilia.
Blessings and prayers,
HaveFaith
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Post by Louise on Dec 7, 2015 15:08:22 GMT -8
lilila , I have no experience with alcoholics, but the things you wrote sound like something a narcissist would do. Take care.
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Post by lilila on Dec 8, 2015 7:34:10 GMT -8
Thanks for your input. I´ve been reading up a lot about alcoholics and it seems this is what they do, when the addiction is advanced they do become verbally abusive, unstable and don´t take any responsibility for themselves or the damage they do to others. Alcohol is the only thing they care about, everything else can fall apart.
The best thing I could do is to accept that I can´t do anything, that it isn´t a reflection of me. But it is so hard! It´s been over a week that I saw him and I haven´t heard anything from him since. In part, that´s a good thing because I was very stressed out by the relationship. But on the other hand, I feel terrible about being discarded just like that, as if I´m not a real person and as if I never existed.
I guess I had some hopes of receiving a phone call from him at some point, and was actually worried about how that would play out, but now I´ve been remembering some things he mentioned in the last few weeks that make me think he was secretly considering to break up with me. Like he would tell me about some former girlfriends and how that ended. So at the moment I thought that was weird, because why would he tell me somthing like that? (This is someone who says anything he has on his mind so it´s very easy to know what´s going on inside his head) But then he would be really nice with me and make me forget my uncomfortable feelings.
He was probably trying to shift the decision of breaking up to me, so he wouldn´t look bad.
Does that make sense?
Anyway, I don´t know what to do to make me feel good about myself. I can´t help feeling like he´s the one who disposed of me, even though I know he´s the one who is unhealthy and the relationship was making me ill. I miss the nice things, of course, and also the feeling of validation when he took me to family gatherings and introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend.
I´m wondering what is the most dignified way to deal with this and not end up looking like I´m the one who lost, so he won´t "win", if you know what I mean.
This is probably not the best way to go about things and not the healthiest reaction, but that´s what´s on my mind now.
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Post by paisley on Dec 8, 2015 8:11:59 GMT -8
I think you show dignity when you realize it's not a game with a winner and a loser but rather an adult relationship with someone who was a poor match that didn't work out.
This was especially hard in my case because the binge drinker was generally very sweet. He was incredibly inconsiderate and lacked boundaries though. He had no "filter" as you describe, saying anything that crossed his mind. No tact.
I don't feel either one of us won or lost. We were a bad match. It took me a while to realize it and get out, but that's because I was raised by alcoholics and had a high tolerance for this sick behavior. It's been a conscious decision to distance myself from people who are not good for me. At times I felt like I was "faking" this new, healthier lifestyle, but now it's just me.
Now I have a true aversion to someone trying to suck me into these codependent or abusive interactions. Apologies don't work after someone shows me that he has unhealthy or inappropriate ways of dealing with stress and adversity.
Alcoholics need enablers to take their abuse and or overlook and clean up their messes. It's a great opportunity for a codependent or another avoidant...so if you're not that gal (or no longer want to be) then that's all this was. A bad match. Not the right guy. Healthy people will see that for what it is...and the intimate details of your relationship are private anyway. I'm still dealing with people asking me WTF I was doing with this guy. He's a negative mark on my relationship resume that I can't undo, but I won't repeat the mistake. His drinking wasn't my mistake, but staying with him after realizing he was a problem drinker was.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 8, 2015 11:01:56 GMT -8
lilila , I have no experience with alcoholics, but the things you wrote sound like something a narcissist would do. Take care. Genuine alcoholics used to all be narcissists. Now they are mixed with second and third generations of people with other disorders like codependency. The original steps were designed to deflate the ego of the narcissist alcoholic, and I believe they need to be modified for alcoholics who are also codependent. Especially the fourth step which can be brutal and feed codependency. I can write more about this if you are interested . . . it is referred to dual addiction. The movement began with a subsidiary of Al-Anon called Adult Children of Alcoholics. Al-Anon was originally only for the wives of alcoholics in AA. In time it opened up for the families of men and women who are still drinking. Trivia . . . The ideal that the whole family was dysfunctional instead of just the alcoholic [identified patient] began in the 80's with Virgina Satir from Berkeley.  |
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Post by lilila on Dec 10, 2015 10:31:50 GMT -8
I needed some time to take this all in and everything you´ve all written makes so much sense, it´s been a great help. It does make sense that there is a great dose of narcisism, also because I grew up with a narcisistic father so there was some familiarity for me in adapting to someone else´s wants and needs and not expect much back.
I´ve been thinking not everything was that bad, especially in the beginning. The abuse just grew over time and in the end I didn´t feel strong enough to put my foot down. I did try to talk with him about it when he was sober, and I think that was a big step forward for me because I was able to express how I felt about things. But even when he listened to me and apologized there would always be a next time, and then the abuse would be worse. So there was no way I could change the dynamic.
His family or origin is indeed very dysfunctional with a lot of alcoholism, I never felt comfortable around them. There is this family myth that they are all so original and artistic but I just found them arrogant.
Now I´m very angry that I cleaned up after him and participated in boosting up his ego. I feel aversion to having to deal with a phone call or whatever, and get nervous only trying to figure out what I will tell him if he ever contacts me again.
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Post by havefaith on Dec 10, 2015 15:53:15 GMT -8
You don't have to tell him much at all if he contacts you. Set boundaries; don't get into codependent, back-and-forth conversations that go nowhere.
Keep it simple. Wish him well and tell him you have moved on.
And then do just that. Move on -- towards healing, recovery, integrity and grace.
And yes, I know it is easier to say than to actually do -- but take it just one day at a time. Recovery is a process, a journey and yes it takes our time and our effort. But it is ultimately much more satisfying than staying in the pit of love addiction and staying stuck in relationships that are toxic and keep us in a state of angst and misery.
Surround yourself with people, places and things are are good for you and have your best interests at heart. Start today.
HaveFaith
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Post by terryt on Dec 16, 2015 6:53:14 GMT -8
I think the best thing about all you are going through is the awareness you have of it all.
Thinking you are over it (the addiction)....but then realizing you aren't is one.
Because we are never "over it". Just in a different place
The realization that you are in the spiral again, and feeling helpless to it....not trying to fix him....and feeling so sad that this d**n addiction will be ever present especially if we don't keep vigilant to it. We are so susceptible to the lure of it.
I think the sadness you are feeling is not because you are in love with someone you shouldn't be involved with.....but you are sad because your ever present foe has decided to show up in your life, as a reminder to take care of yourself. And taking care of ourselves is the only way through it. And it can be exhausting!
At least I'm pretty sure that is what I would be thinking
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Post by loveanimals on Dec 28, 2015 22:57:22 GMT -8
I agree with Susan's two steps forward and one step back.
Sometimes I feel in times of high stress, that's when I regress. When I'm more relaxed and away from work like now, recovering from major surgery, I'm taking more steps forward.
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 29, 2015 6:03:34 GMT -8
This happened to me. I write about it in The Break Up Journal. I had found myself almost fully recovered (so I thought) only to find out that the man I was dating was a chronic avoidant. He was a WORSE choice than my previous PoA.
Susan is right. Two steps forward; one step back.
The gift of recovery is that you RECOGNIZE that he is not an appropriate choice for you and that moving on is probably the healthiest choice. That's the GIFT of recovery. You either choose to open and accept the gift, or you don't.
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Post by leahb on Dec 29, 2015 11:09:24 GMT -8
One step at a time is right on Vivi! Let's keep on keeping on in our recovery.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 10, 2016 5:27:01 GMT -8
Hi lilila, It takes a lot of courage to write about our struggles again, especially, after having been in recovery for a long while. So in my book, you are a better person now than ever. Just coming back here is a true sign of recovery progress. Thanks for unselfishly sharing your struggle with us. And for others sharing their great advices and insights here, thanks for your generosity. We need each other's support. We are one loving family here. Keep us posted. We care about you. |
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Post by bluefly on Jan 16, 2016 16:11:41 GMT -8
I totally relate. I just escaped from my 7th physically abusive relationship. I am really working on 12 steps and self esteem so hopefully the last. Don't give up hope. You can escape and realize you deserve better. The past is in the past and the shame keeps us stuck. I started with positive affirmations. Write down a page minimum of positive I am statements in a journal daily. You are worthy! Also a nightly meditation with Neil Cooper on YouTube for victims of abuse will help!
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