mia21
New Member
Posts: 13 
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Post by mia21 on Dec 7, 2015 19:56:55 GMT -8
I have been in love with a guy for about 20 years. It was my first love and it still hurts.He is married and I am married to someone else.I can't transfer the love to my partner. I have not been in contact with this guy for 15 years.But the pain of missing him is killing me.What do I do ?Can someone guide me? I understand I am a torchbearer but transfer or no contact is not working for me.Should I just contact him and se what my feelings will be?
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Post by paisley on Dec 8, 2015 7:50:05 GMT -8
Hi Mia:
I had a similar experience with POA#1. I was obsessing over him (or rather, my idea of him) for nearly 30 years. When we dated (in my teen and early adult years) I looked towards him to save me from and abusive and neglectful childhood and validate my worth. I basically made him my higher power. When he rejected me, I was devastated and suicidal. I held out hope for decades. I held every man to this unrealistic standard from that point on.
I later passed the torch to another unavailable guy, POA#2.
Since I had such little interaction with these guys (eventually no contact at all), the perceptions were mainly fantasy.
I held my husband to this unrealistic standard and secretly pined for POA #1 and #2 through my entire marriage. This kept me from being fully available in my real relationships with men. After learning that *I* was the unavailable one, I began to see the purpose of these POA's in my life and begin to address the real issues (childhood neglect and abuse). Over time, I didn't "need" the POAs.
In my case, both of these men are dead. Literally, they passed away. POA#2 died of cancer a couple months ago. He connected to me on FB several months ago and I had no lingering feelings for him. I was especially relieved of this curse when I saw things he and his wife posted and realized we didn't share the same values. A relationship with him didn't last for good reason...he's not a good match for me and vice versa.
People who are ATTRACTED to you are in your life and near you. That's what the word means. I finally realized that I'm avoiding my life by spending all that energy hoping, pining or trying to convince someone he loves me. I wanted to stop, and eventually (with a lot of work and some steps backwards here and there) I figured out that I don't have to do that anymore.
Figure out what you're avoiding in your life. That's the ONLY purpose of an unavailable POA that I can see. You can do NC all day long and still fantasize, hope and pine. You really have to dig down to the root of the problem when you're a torchbearer (in my opinion).
I still find myself getting hung up on unavailable men from time to time, but I can see it for what it is now. I've had to re-define what love and relationships mean. I can love someone and not be with him, but I cannot waste my time fantasizing, hoping and pining over the unavailable lest I become unavailable myself. I think it's key to remember this makes YOU unavailable. For someone like me who claims she wants a relationship, that's a sobering thought.
Best wishes. -P
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