Post by From the ashes on Jan 4, 2016 14:23:06 GMT -8
Taming Your Turbulent Past
by
Gayle Rosellini & Mark Worden
Chapter Ten
::
Avoiding the Pitfalls of Perfectionism
Lord, grant me the serenity
To do what I can do, to give it my best shot
And to be reasonably satisfied
If it doesn't come out perfect.
--Recovering Perfectionist's Prayer
Dr. David D. Burns, founder of the Behavioral Sciences Research Foundation, dares emotional perfectionists to attempt a new and perhaps audacious challenge: Try being average. At first glance, this idea sounds totally absurd, for who in their right mind would strive for such a boring, ordinary level of achievement? It takes no special effort to be mediocre.
But, wait. Upon reflection it seems to me that Dr. Burns is on to something wonderful here. Because, as he points out, if you are a perfectionist, you are bound to be a loser at whatever you do. A consummate failure. A sublime flop.
A perfectionist will always fail to meet the elevated standards of perfection. If examined with a critical eye, everything, every person, every idea falls short of perfection. Only in the movies was Bo Derek a "10." And even there, the critics ranked her acting "3" or below.
Likewise, every achievement falls short of perfection. It can be fixed up, honed, modified, fine-tuned and tinkered with in some way to make it "better".
When you pursue perfection, you will inevitably run headlong into frustration, self-hate, and misery. Yet, if you are willing to walk down the road of "averageness" for even one day, you are bound to feel successful, accomplished and pleased with yourself because maybe for the first time in your life you will be striving for an attainable goal. Finally, you can succeed.
HOW TO BE AN ANTI-PERFECTIONIST
Our perfectionistic tendency is usually so ingrained that it has become an unthinking emotional reflex for us. Breaking our reflexive responses takes both effort and practice. On the following pages I will describe several exercises that have proven effective in helping other adult children overcome the feelings of anxiety produced by their emotional perfectionism.
Set aside some time to do these exercises, remembering that the heavier your burden of perfection, the more practice you'll need to learn the joys of imperfection.
Anti-perfection Exercise 1: Doing It Right.
If you are a perfectionist, you are undoubtedly an expert at negative self-talk. If you are in any way typical, it's likely that you lay in bed at night going over everything you did wrong today. You know how to focus on the areas where you fall short. You catalog every mistake, blunder, and clumsy encounter. Why did you say this? Why didn't you say that? Did they like you? Why did they give you that funny look? And on and on. You fall asleep counting your shortcomings instead of sheep. No wonder you feel anxious.
Tonight, try something different. When your mind starts racing with negativity, say to yourself, "NO! Not now. I'm not going to dwell on the negative."
This is a technique called thought stopping, and it works.
Now, after you have ordered yourself to stop your negative self-talk, substitute at least five minutes of positive self- talk. What did you do right today? How many things can you count that are positive? Pay special attention to the little things you just normally expect of yourself.
At first, your perfectionistic negativity may be so automatic, so ingrained and habitual, that you can't think of a single thing you did right. But you probably did a lot of good things that you take for granted, like getting to work on time, passing up that second piece of chocolate cake, making a dreaded phone call, being patient with a rude store clerk, and so on. You don't need to score big. We want you to appreciate yourself for all the good ordinary normal things you accomplish in a day.
The purpose of this exercise is to break your emotional reflex of negative self-appraisal. If negativity creeps in, say "NO! Not now!" and continue giving yourself positive feedback.
Now, this doesn't mean that you should never again critique your behavior for areas that need improvement. We all need to do that occasionally. But we perfectionists get carried away with the habit. What we really need practice on is patting ourselves on the back a little bit for all the things we usually take for granted.
This exercise will be most effective if you practice it at least five
minutes a night over a period of weeks. It takes time to replace the habit of negative self-appraisal with the habit of positive self-appraisal. Remember that, because your perfectionistic reflex will make you want to become an expert in positive self-talk in just one night!
Anti-perfection exercise 2: Less is More
Like many perfectionists, you may believe that producing anything less than definitive work is just about the same as producing garbage. You feel deeply shamed if even small flaws are detected in what you do. Such feelings invariably lead to, 1) burn-out from trying to do everything perfectly, or 2) emotional and mental paralysis from the prospect of facing the impossible.
Here's an experiment suggested by Dr. Burns. Try changing your standards with various activities to see how your performance responds to high, middle and low standards. I've tried this with my writing, my counseling, and with dieting, and I've been very pleasantly surprised with the outcome whenever I have lowered my standards. I end up producing more and feeling better about myself.
For example, when I started writing the section on fear for this book, I thought I should cover every aspect of fear, from anxiety disorders through agoraphobia, traumatic stress disorder and obsessive-compulsive behavior. Now, let's see, what did I leave out? Oh, yes. I should outline all of the latest behavioral and cognitive research in addition to addressing the bio-chemistry and genetics of anxiety. And that was just for starters. I also decided I should write at least ten manuscript pages a day.
I would cover the field so thoroughly that I would qualify for an honorary degree in fear.
At one point, the workspace around my computer was so laden with piles of notes and clippings and reference materials that I couldn't find the keyboard. At that moment I developed writer's block.
My perfectionism had thwarted me.
I decided to lower my standards. Each day I made it my goal to cover a little less material and instead of aiming for ten pages a day, I aimed for one. This meant that I could accomplish my goal easily. I felt so good about this that I was spurred on to write more, knowing that each new paragraph was more than I had hoped for.
When my standards were high -- ten pages a day -- I failed consistently. I felt bad about myself and even considered giving up the project completely. The minute I lowered my standard, I started feeling like a success again. And over a period of days the manuscript pages piled up until the chapters were done.
Since that time I have never abandoned my aim of doing less each day. Consequently I never feel frustrated or inadequate. I feel good because I am achieving my goal and that motivates me to continue.
Try Dr. Burns' suggestion and dare to be average. When you start a project, lower your sights. Instead of aiming for 110%, go for 50% or 30% or even 10% like I did. Then see if you don't enjoy yourself and become more productive at the same time.
Anti-perfection exercise 3: Making Mistakes
Here's a contradiction for you-- emotional perfectionists are unrelentingly self-critical, yet we'll be dipped in hot tar before we'll take responsibility for our own mistakes.
There's a psychological reason for this. The knowledge that we have behaved badly or foolishly or with a mean spirit gives our self-image a brutal jarring. How can we be the perfectly wonderful person we're supposed to be and make all these naive blunders?
Psychologists call this conflict between perception and reality "cognitive dissonance." The human psyche just cannot tolerate such mental discrepancies -- anxiety and panic attacks are frequent manifestations of cognitive dissonance in process.
Now, how do we humans resolve this intolerable dissonance in our perceptions? It's really quite simple. We, consciously or unconsciously, redefine reality to meet our needs.
Either we accept the fact that we are not always perfect and wonderful or we maintain our self-image by throwing the blame for our mistakes on someone or something else.
"It was the secretary's fault that the budget and annual report didn't get finished in time for the site visit."
"I coulda been a contender." (But I didn't get the right breaks, know the right people, have the right connections, etc.)
"I didn't get all "A's" my senior year because my math instructor knew I had a high grade average and he was out to get me."
"I could have been a success if my father wasn't an alcoholic."
Unless we've done quite a bit of work to overcome our perfectionist tendencies, you can bet we'll opt for maintaining our emotional illusions.
So while we may moan more or less incessantly about our problems, burdens, and difficulties in life, we emotional perfectionists are loathe to honestly and truly take responsibility for our lapses in perfection. Oh, we hurl insults at ourselves, but that's not an effective way of admitting specific mistakes. Sometimes we even criticize ourselves in order to take the sting out of criticism from others.
Sadly, if we are unable to admit our errors, we have also cut off our ability to grow and change.
Consciously analyzing the irrational and self-defeating nature of our belief in the importance of perfection is one way of facing the transcendental truth that "to err is human."
Using your journal, write a list in which you outline why a fear of making mistakes is detrimental to you. How does attempting to maintain a self-image of perfection inhibit your potential for growth. Valerie's journal looked like this:
WHY IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO MAKE MISTAKES
1. First, it's okay for me to make mistakes because all humans make mistakes. Thinking that I can be perfect is grandiose and irrational--why should I be immune from the laws of humanity?
2. Making mistakes is okay because I learn from them. When I refuse to accept my mistakes I become rigid and unable to improve myself.
3. It's okay to be less than perfect because one small flaw doesn't ruin an otherwise good outcome. 98% success with peace of mind is better than 100% success with a nervous breakdown.
4. If I recognize where I messed up, I can change it. The discomfort of admitting I've goofed will be worth it if I can make a positive change that will make me happier in the long run.
5. Whenever I try to do 110% perfect job, I either get burned out from the strain or I get so paralyzed from anxiety that I want to hide under my bed. Then I start procrastinating. When I lower my standards to 90%, I get more done.
6. It's okay to make a mistake because it makes me more human. Most people won't hold small mistakes against me. And I think sometimes my pretense of perfection puts other people off.
7. Lastly, even if I really blow it and a lot of people get mad at me and criticize me, I won't die from it. I will feel bad for a while, but if I honestly admit my mistakes I can make amends to the people I hurt and forgive myself. It won't be the end of the world.
Rationally analyzing mistake-making does not guarantee you emotional relief, but it is a start. Valerie reported a large decrease in her feelings of anxiety and fear immediately after writing her essay. However, about a month later, her perfectionist tendencies burst forth again when she had to present a proposal to her boss and co-workers. A panic attack struck as she was going over last minute details.
"I thought 'this is the end'," she recalled. "Then I said, "NO!" I sat down at my desk and did some slow deep breathing and mentally I recited all the reasons why I didn't have to be perfect. I remembered my list of why it was okay for me to make mistakes, and gradually my panic left me. My heartbeat slowed to normal, the lump left my throat, I was okay. I went to the lady's room and wiped the sweat off my face and body, all the time saying to myself, "It's okay to make mistakes. My self- worth does not depend on making a perfect presentation.' Then I went into the meeting room and knocked 'em dead! My legs felt like Jello, but, dammit! I did it!"
After that, Valerie practiced this exercise regularly, especially before any situation where she felt her skills and abilities would be tested and judged.
"I still get nervous," she admits, "but I haven't had to take a Valium in six months."
by
Gayle Rosellini & Mark Worden
Chapter Ten
::
Avoiding the Pitfalls of Perfectionism
Lord, grant me the serenity
To do what I can do, to give it my best shot
And to be reasonably satisfied
If it doesn't come out perfect.
--Recovering Perfectionist's Prayer
Dr. David D. Burns, founder of the Behavioral Sciences Research Foundation, dares emotional perfectionists to attempt a new and perhaps audacious challenge: Try being average. At first glance, this idea sounds totally absurd, for who in their right mind would strive for such a boring, ordinary level of achievement? It takes no special effort to be mediocre.
But, wait. Upon reflection it seems to me that Dr. Burns is on to something wonderful here. Because, as he points out, if you are a perfectionist, you are bound to be a loser at whatever you do. A consummate failure. A sublime flop.
A perfectionist will always fail to meet the elevated standards of perfection. If examined with a critical eye, everything, every person, every idea falls short of perfection. Only in the movies was Bo Derek a "10." And even there, the critics ranked her acting "3" or below.
Likewise, every achievement falls short of perfection. It can be fixed up, honed, modified, fine-tuned and tinkered with in some way to make it "better".
When you pursue perfection, you will inevitably run headlong into frustration, self-hate, and misery. Yet, if you are willing to walk down the road of "averageness" for even one day, you are bound to feel successful, accomplished and pleased with yourself because maybe for the first time in your life you will be striving for an attainable goal. Finally, you can succeed.
HOW TO BE AN ANTI-PERFECTIONIST
Our perfectionistic tendency is usually so ingrained that it has become an unthinking emotional reflex for us. Breaking our reflexive responses takes both effort and practice. On the following pages I will describe several exercises that have proven effective in helping other adult children overcome the feelings of anxiety produced by their emotional perfectionism.
Set aside some time to do these exercises, remembering that the heavier your burden of perfection, the more practice you'll need to learn the joys of imperfection.
Anti-perfection Exercise 1: Doing It Right.
If you are a perfectionist, you are undoubtedly an expert at negative self-talk. If you are in any way typical, it's likely that you lay in bed at night going over everything you did wrong today. You know how to focus on the areas where you fall short. You catalog every mistake, blunder, and clumsy encounter. Why did you say this? Why didn't you say that? Did they like you? Why did they give you that funny look? And on and on. You fall asleep counting your shortcomings instead of sheep. No wonder you feel anxious.
Tonight, try something different. When your mind starts racing with negativity, say to yourself, "NO! Not now. I'm not going to dwell on the negative."
This is a technique called thought stopping, and it works.
Now, after you have ordered yourself to stop your negative self-talk, substitute at least five minutes of positive self- talk. What did you do right today? How many things can you count that are positive? Pay special attention to the little things you just normally expect of yourself.
At first, your perfectionistic negativity may be so automatic, so ingrained and habitual, that you can't think of a single thing you did right. But you probably did a lot of good things that you take for granted, like getting to work on time, passing up that second piece of chocolate cake, making a dreaded phone call, being patient with a rude store clerk, and so on. You don't need to score big. We want you to appreciate yourself for all the good ordinary normal things you accomplish in a day.
The purpose of this exercise is to break your emotional reflex of negative self-appraisal. If negativity creeps in, say "NO! Not now!" and continue giving yourself positive feedback.
Now, this doesn't mean that you should never again critique your behavior for areas that need improvement. We all need to do that occasionally. But we perfectionists get carried away with the habit. What we really need practice on is patting ourselves on the back a little bit for all the things we usually take for granted.
This exercise will be most effective if you practice it at least five
minutes a night over a period of weeks. It takes time to replace the habit of negative self-appraisal with the habit of positive self-appraisal. Remember that, because your perfectionistic reflex will make you want to become an expert in positive self-talk in just one night!
Anti-perfection exercise 2: Less is More
Like many perfectionists, you may believe that producing anything less than definitive work is just about the same as producing garbage. You feel deeply shamed if even small flaws are detected in what you do. Such feelings invariably lead to, 1) burn-out from trying to do everything perfectly, or 2) emotional and mental paralysis from the prospect of facing the impossible.
Here's an experiment suggested by Dr. Burns. Try changing your standards with various activities to see how your performance responds to high, middle and low standards. I've tried this with my writing, my counseling, and with dieting, and I've been very pleasantly surprised with the outcome whenever I have lowered my standards. I end up producing more and feeling better about myself.
For example, when I started writing the section on fear for this book, I thought I should cover every aspect of fear, from anxiety disorders through agoraphobia, traumatic stress disorder and obsessive-compulsive behavior. Now, let's see, what did I leave out? Oh, yes. I should outline all of the latest behavioral and cognitive research in addition to addressing the bio-chemistry and genetics of anxiety. And that was just for starters. I also decided I should write at least ten manuscript pages a day.
I would cover the field so thoroughly that I would qualify for an honorary degree in fear.
At one point, the workspace around my computer was so laden with piles of notes and clippings and reference materials that I couldn't find the keyboard. At that moment I developed writer's block.
My perfectionism had thwarted me.
I decided to lower my standards. Each day I made it my goal to cover a little less material and instead of aiming for ten pages a day, I aimed for one. This meant that I could accomplish my goal easily. I felt so good about this that I was spurred on to write more, knowing that each new paragraph was more than I had hoped for.
When my standards were high -- ten pages a day -- I failed consistently. I felt bad about myself and even considered giving up the project completely. The minute I lowered my standard, I started feeling like a success again. And over a period of days the manuscript pages piled up until the chapters were done.
Since that time I have never abandoned my aim of doing less each day. Consequently I never feel frustrated or inadequate. I feel good because I am achieving my goal and that motivates me to continue.
Try Dr. Burns' suggestion and dare to be average. When you start a project, lower your sights. Instead of aiming for 110%, go for 50% or 30% or even 10% like I did. Then see if you don't enjoy yourself and become more productive at the same time.
Anti-perfection exercise 3: Making Mistakes
Here's a contradiction for you-- emotional perfectionists are unrelentingly self-critical, yet we'll be dipped in hot tar before we'll take responsibility for our own mistakes.
There's a psychological reason for this. The knowledge that we have behaved badly or foolishly or with a mean spirit gives our self-image a brutal jarring. How can we be the perfectly wonderful person we're supposed to be and make all these naive blunders?
Psychologists call this conflict between perception and reality "cognitive dissonance." The human psyche just cannot tolerate such mental discrepancies -- anxiety and panic attacks are frequent manifestations of cognitive dissonance in process.
Now, how do we humans resolve this intolerable dissonance in our perceptions? It's really quite simple. We, consciously or unconsciously, redefine reality to meet our needs.
Either we accept the fact that we are not always perfect and wonderful or we maintain our self-image by throwing the blame for our mistakes on someone or something else.
"It was the secretary's fault that the budget and annual report didn't get finished in time for the site visit."
"I coulda been a contender." (But I didn't get the right breaks, know the right people, have the right connections, etc.)
"I didn't get all "A's" my senior year because my math instructor knew I had a high grade average and he was out to get me."
"I could have been a success if my father wasn't an alcoholic."
Unless we've done quite a bit of work to overcome our perfectionist tendencies, you can bet we'll opt for maintaining our emotional illusions.
So while we may moan more or less incessantly about our problems, burdens, and difficulties in life, we emotional perfectionists are loathe to honestly and truly take responsibility for our lapses in perfection. Oh, we hurl insults at ourselves, but that's not an effective way of admitting specific mistakes. Sometimes we even criticize ourselves in order to take the sting out of criticism from others.
Sadly, if we are unable to admit our errors, we have also cut off our ability to grow and change.
Consciously analyzing the irrational and self-defeating nature of our belief in the importance of perfection is one way of facing the transcendental truth that "to err is human."
Using your journal, write a list in which you outline why a fear of making mistakes is detrimental to you. How does attempting to maintain a self-image of perfection inhibit your potential for growth. Valerie's journal looked like this:
WHY IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO MAKE MISTAKES
1. First, it's okay for me to make mistakes because all humans make mistakes. Thinking that I can be perfect is grandiose and irrational--why should I be immune from the laws of humanity?
2. Making mistakes is okay because I learn from them. When I refuse to accept my mistakes I become rigid and unable to improve myself.
3. It's okay to be less than perfect because one small flaw doesn't ruin an otherwise good outcome. 98% success with peace of mind is better than 100% success with a nervous breakdown.
4. If I recognize where I messed up, I can change it. The discomfort of admitting I've goofed will be worth it if I can make a positive change that will make me happier in the long run.
5. Whenever I try to do 110% perfect job, I either get burned out from the strain or I get so paralyzed from anxiety that I want to hide under my bed. Then I start procrastinating. When I lower my standards to 90%, I get more done.
6. It's okay to make a mistake because it makes me more human. Most people won't hold small mistakes against me. And I think sometimes my pretense of perfection puts other people off.
7. Lastly, even if I really blow it and a lot of people get mad at me and criticize me, I won't die from it. I will feel bad for a while, but if I honestly admit my mistakes I can make amends to the people I hurt and forgive myself. It won't be the end of the world.
Rationally analyzing mistake-making does not guarantee you emotional relief, but it is a start. Valerie reported a large decrease in her feelings of anxiety and fear immediately after writing her essay. However, about a month later, her perfectionist tendencies burst forth again when she had to present a proposal to her boss and co-workers. A panic attack struck as she was going over last minute details.
"I thought 'this is the end'," she recalled. "Then I said, "NO!" I sat down at my desk and did some slow deep breathing and mentally I recited all the reasons why I didn't have to be perfect. I remembered my list of why it was okay for me to make mistakes, and gradually my panic left me. My heartbeat slowed to normal, the lump left my throat, I was okay. I went to the lady's room and wiped the sweat off my face and body, all the time saying to myself, "It's okay to make mistakes. My self- worth does not depend on making a perfect presentation.' Then I went into the meeting room and knocked 'em dead! My legs felt like Jello, but, dammit! I did it!"
After that, Valerie practiced this exercise regularly, especially before any situation where she felt her skills and abilities would be tested and judged.
"I still get nervous," she admits, "but I haven't had to take a Valium in six months."