what causes torchbearing?

Susan Peabody has an awesome interview on her website on types of love addicts and in it she describes what torchbearing is. It's about 2/3 through the video:

Hello Susan and group. I just watched this description of the types of love addicts.
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I went to A LAA meeting or perhaps it was a sex addict meeting many years ago, like 8 yrs, and and didn't relate as much but I am for sure a codependent and was actually in recovery for several years.

I feel that God is so strongly in my life and is the love of my life that this is my primary focus, But I do think I'm either a torch bearer which I finally have gotten over the person I carried a torch for for years, But anyway I very rarely like someone or even get interested and I think there was a type of love addict that kind of starves themselves of everything and that might also be me.



Here is my question. In your video you said it is good to demystify the object of your desire.... Well after several years of not really being attracted to anyone except 1 person 4 years ago I met a coworker, Who a no longer work with but we kept in touch. I have a crush on him and every month or so I do text him and he does within a day or hour sometimes... Finally 2 months had gone by and I had not contacted him and the thoughts began to fade which is growth for someone like me who I think is a torch bearer.. So he contacted me a week ago and we hung out for a couple days because he was in town for work and I get mixed messages. Sometimes I think he likes me sometimes I think he purposely keeps a wall up to protect himself or he puts me on a pedestal and thinks I'm out of his league and that's why he is shy and withdrawn I just can't figure it out because sometimes he also says very sweethat's very sweet things. He is a Southern gentleman in a way so I get confused on his politeness which I probably WANT To accidentally confuse as attraction but maybe he is only just friendly. He is younger than me and younger than me and sometimes says complimentary things but also sometimes seems withdrawn and shy
So I'm wondering if it's good to admit my crush on him just to demystify the object of my desire as you said... It could ruin the friendship and honestly he is not in the same place spiritually as me so I almost feel like I just want to admit it to him for relief but I'm almost certain he will not feel the same and we both know we are very far from each other like 2000 miles and 10 years apart and not on the same spiritual path... Is it naive for me to admit it to him? Will it bemystify things and that's good or would it blow up in my face because I may see him again on another work project or just the embarrassment or just the sadness of losing the friendship at least... I know you can't answer and give me exact advice but if you have any ideas of what I should be asking myself I would really appreciate it... In a strange way as a rescuer type CO dependent I almost feel like he is sad and has shame and if I told him this would be encouraging to him and build his confidence but that's not my job I know... I also think he might be surprised. Another another part of me thinks he might be annoyed by it and that the wall he kept up when we were together was to try to push me away but I just don't know because there's been mixed messages... And sometimes I think the stubborn part of me wants to ignore the negative messages and rationalize them and only remember the good things he did like coming back to give me a hug goodbye for the 2nd time when he didn't need to just the other day or really complimenting me a lot in front of his friends and telling them he thought I was one of the most talented/smartest workers and just very nice things like that.

Torchbeares are lovers at heart. We enjoy being in love, so we always love somebody either from the past, present, or future. This not only gets us high off love, but it distracts us from painful emotions that keep coming up. Recovery is hard for us because we are really hooked on the feelings of love even when they are painful. Our only hope is to transfer our need for love on to our Higher Power.

In high school I was obsessed with David. I was miserable. Twenty years later I could not wait to go to the high school reunion to see David. As soon as he came into the room, I started projecting an image of him left over from high school. We started dating. It took three months for me to stop projecting on to him and face the fact that he was drunk, high off cocaine, and a real mess. I had just started a Women Who Love Too Much meeting and I realized I had to walk away. Today, I still cannot believe I walked away from the love of my life. But it did raise my self-esteem and self-respect.

Today, I am still a torchbearer, but it is love for my Higher Power. Those I loved in the past just bring on nostalgia. I do not obsess on human beings anymore. I have friends and everything I need to be happy, joyous and free.

I'll try to find it it was you in a video explaining the types of love addicts and it was probably about 11 or 12 minutes long. I'll go check it out but do you think I would demystify the the dreamed up idea of this guy if I told him I had a crush or is it better to keep silent?