Who am I without addictions ?

I am still learning how to navigate. I find these huge emotional swings are completely insane. I feel like crying all the time and I struggle to cope day to day. It's a real battle-this struggle against addiction. I try to ensure I have a good first mate (therapist) to help me at times. When the waters are really rough I try hard to wait out the storm.

Hi Leahb, at least you safe and welcome here. And its good you have a therapist .BIG HUG FOR YOU.

I am quite lonely person, I prefer deeper conversations and I do struggle with outreaches in slaa. I promised to myself, that I would outreach every day. But there is no one, that I can call very close friend or who outreach first., Sometimes they don't reply.... negativity kicks in. I can feelings of sadness today, after slaa meeting, had few tears , it was quite surprising ,most of time I am like frozen, maybe ice will start melting

Waterlili-Me too on all of those feelings.

Susan-this pic made me laugh super hard! Water shot out of my nose! That's a good one
So appropriate for the codependent/LA inside.

I guess my biggest issue is dissatisfaction with the present moment. I don't like where I live, how I look, how much money I don't have, my job, and the fact that I'm single. I keep hoping that if I change the outside things I'll be happy. I'll get to happy-like it's a destination that you can will yourself to. I now know it isn't. This realization has devestated me and has left me shattered.

In all honesty, as much as I dislike my life as it is, the effort to change it feels like so much work. It feels like a never ending mess of pain and suffering-of which I have no tolerance for.

I feel like I used to be a happier person-particularly when I was with my exhusband before things got bad. We grew up together and it was nice to have someone in my life that was there. I didn't feel like a complete failure in life. Now I feel like everything in my life sucks and that nothing is worth being around for.

I have friends, but they don't want to be around someone who is down all the time. As my friends many years ago used to say "we like drinking Leah". Of course they would, drinking Leah was a lot of fun. She didn't feel anything and was exhuberant and outgoing. Sober Leah is sad and miserable most of the time-unless she's dating someone. Then she's a lot of fun again.

I don't know who I am without addictions. I do know that the person I am today I do not like. Sobriety, for me, was a promise of a better life. Though I've had some moments where this is true, this has not been true of the last few months. Sobriety has created a disconnect from everyone in my life. Putting up boundaries with my parents and such was a good idea in many ways, but the intense pain of loneliness is highly uncomfortable.

I would love to meet someone, but I don't think that's going to happen any time soon. Plus, I'm terrified of dating because the thought of being hurt again.

I guess I'm just being indulgent and have to snap out of it.

Life is settling down after Christmas holidays, thanks God. I attended yet another new fellowship . It's overwhelming!! I feel so powerless. Hopefully I ll get theraphy classes and there will be more profesional help for myself. 
    I am loosing a weight and it's like not me anymore. It's new person . I just wish I was tall.... That's not going to happen , and I don't realy like no more waking with hight heals . 

   I guess just keeping in the day . Not thinking about coming years , and just doing right thing with the grace of God. I can plan loads of things but he will plan differently . 

   I wish I had more clarity about myself , what is my meaning , purpose of life. .? Can I work/ do smth that brings me pleasure, or sence I love it.. That's not my current job. Not yet.